Advice on future in-law please

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dolly_finn

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Hello all, I need some advice about dealing with my future sister-in-law. The advice I am looking for would be what specifically would a priest/Bible tell me to do.

First let me say that I am the only Catholic in my entire family (both my side and my husband’s side). I converted in college. I was not raised a Christian and so sometimes the answer which might seem obvious to some are things I have not yet learned about my faith and/or the Bible. So, please be patient with me. I am trying to catch up:)

So my husband is a Christian (not a Catholic, but considering converting) and we go to Mass together every weekend. We are dedicated to living according to the Word of God and the Church’s teachings. That is not to say we are holier-than-thou types but we are quite different than my husband’s brother.

My husband’s brother is now living with a second girlfriend and he just proposed to her after living with her for three years (but they have dated for 5 years). Their major hobby is getting drunk. My future sister-in-law has been fired from at least two jobs over the last few years for “being a bully”. And, she has a second business selling obscene items (I have no idea how to nicely say what she sells). I am not judging. I am just trying to show there is a bit of difference between us.

Since she will be my only sister-in-law I have been trying to get to know her over the last few years. I have invited her to do things (have coffee or attend various activities). She has always turned me down but now out right. She says she will go and a the last minute there is always an “emergency”. Let’s just say she has had more than her fair share of emergencies lately. I never confront her even though she usually posts on Facebook what she did instead of spending time with me and it is never the emergency she mentioned. I have always just let it go in an effort to be nice. At family events she refuses to actually talk to me and has actually openly mocked me at times. I have tried to brush this off as I am being overly sensitive and move on. This week there was another occasion where she once again was very unkind and lied to me about something (about which again she again posted the truth about on Facebook). I just feel that I have had it.

But, I know as Christians we are suppose to forgive no matter what. And, I feel that we are suppose to keep trying to be kind. My husband says that from his reading of the Bible he feels that I am now “off the hook” trying to be nice to her. He says I don’t have to do one more thing for her (he said I could even decline an invitation to the wedding shower). He says forgiveness only is required. But, I feel like I was taught that not only do I have to forgive but that I have to keep putting myself out there for her, even if she is abusive.

Can anyone tell me what the Church teaches on this?! I am tired of putting myself in an abusive situation at the same time, if Jesus asks me to do so…than I will. I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you and God Bless.
 
dolly_finn said:
But, I feel like I was taught that not only do I have to forgive but that I have to keep putting myself out there for her, even if she is abusive.
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No!!!

Now that we have that out of the way . . . 😃
Forgiving someone does not mean you have to be their doormat. You’ve been far kinder to her than I would have been – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, mind you. You’ve put up with her lies and her rudeness for years. She’s had every opportunity to meet you halfway. Or a quarter of the way. Or even a tenth of the way . . . Your fiance is right. Enough is enough.

Here’s what you ARE obligated to do:
  1. forgive her
  2. pray for her
  3. be civil to her when you have to meet in person or otherwise personally interact
That’s it.

Now go, and spend the energy you’ve been wasting on her, on your fiance instead.
 
agnes_therese said:
No!!!

Now that we have that out of the way . . . 😃
Forgiving someone does not mean you have to be their doormat. You’ve been far kinder to her than I would have been – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, mind you. You’ve put up with her lies and her rudeness for years. She’s had every opportunity to meet you halfway. Or a quarter of the way. Or even a tenth of the way . . . Your fiance is right. Enough is enough.

Here’s what you ARE obligated to do:
  1. forgive her
  2. pray for her
  3. be civil to her when you have to meet in person or otherwise personally interact
That’s it.

Now go, and spend the energy you’ve been wasting on her, on your fiance instead.
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👍

Honestly, if you really want to be nice to her, take the hint. She does NOT want to spend time with you. She realizes you have nothing in common. It is not a reflection of you at all. It is a reflection of her. Trust me, if she has had more than her fair share of emergencies lately, that indicates she is more fed up with your invitations. She does not want you being nice to her
 
Sounds like she doesn’t want a friendship with you. If you don’t want to go to the shower, just send a gift with regrets for attending. Do be civil to her when you have to attend family events.
 
You are not being overly sensitive 🙂 And you must have an extra gift of kindness!

I agree with Anglewannabe and your fiance. You have fulfilled any obligation you have to her.
 
Our Lord Jesus Christ tells us to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves.

Absolutely correct when someone tells you not to be a doormat! When they wanted to push Jesus over a cliff, he disappeared. The apostles were told when they were not accepted they should shake the dust from their feet, and move on.

Pray for her, but do not run after her.
 
agnes_therese said:
No!!!

Now that we have that out of the way . . . 😃
Forgiving someone does not mean you have to be their doormat. You’ve been far kinder to her than I would have been – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, mind you. You’ve put up with her lies and her rudeness for years. She’s had every opportunity to meet you halfway. Or a quarter of the way. Or even a tenth of the way . . . Your fiance is right. Enough is enough.

Here’s what you ARE obligated to do:
  1. forgive her
  2. pray for her
  3. be civil to her when you have to meet in person or otherwise personally interact
That’s it.

Now go, and spend the energy you’ve been wasting on her, on your fiance instead.
Click to expand...
👍
 
Thank you all a million times over!!! I felt that I had to keep reaching out due to my religious beliefs. I could quote you scripture that I read on the topic that I thought meant I had to keep trying with her but I won’t bore you with that:). I am actually totally relieved to be off of the hook now. Thank you all again for your help!!!
 
I have to agree with all of the other post-ers’ advice - I just spend an evening with a family member who talked about the last 20 years of trying to befriend a sister in law and being consistently rejected, and finally received prayerful confirmation that she is not sinning by maintaining a non-personal relationship with her SIL. She can be kind, available when requested, and prayerfully supportive of her, but released from further obligations. I myself have 2 SIL’s whom I have almost no relationship with, and it seems to suit them and me fine. They fulfill their needs for relationship with other family members, as I do. It’s ok to develop and stick to an expectation of your in law relationships that fits you! God bless~
 
agnes therese; said:
I couldn’t agree more with this!

I have had my fair share of in law issues. Right now I don’t interact with my husband’s stepmother and it has caused a lot of chaos. It took so much of both mine and my husband’s energy.

The woman hates me so much that she refuses to be within 5 feet of me. This started over something personal that she posted about me on facebook. I apologized to my FIL when he came by alone to see me one day; for nasty stuff that I had said. I told him that I forgive her for what she put on my facebook and I would guess that he told her. I had tried to talk to her myself as I would have loved to tell her this myself but she won’t even look at me .

My husband’s father does absolutely nothing to try to ease the tension. He actually caters to this woman and does everything to accommodate her including excluding me from family activities. My husband put this to a stop very recently. He only communicates with his father when he absolutely has to. It’s hard, but sometimes you have to take a step back and pray.

What makes this even more difficult is that my SIL lives with them and all of a sudden she doesn’t have time for us, she’s too busy. We tried getting a hold of her to ask her if we could take her out for a birthday lunch this past weekend and she was claiming to have had plans with her gaming friends. We asked her if we could take her out a different weekend and she said that she’s busy pretty much every weekend. She and I used to be very close but ever since my FIL and his wife moved back into that house my SIL is a completely different person.

Although it hasn’t been easy we find that limiting our contact is easier on us both mentally and physically. We sleep better at night knowing that we have done everything we could. We just keep praying. Hopefully one day My FIL’s wife will either wakeup and realize how her behavior has negatively affected everyone or my FIL will wake up and realize that there’s a serious problem and it’s time for him to put his foot down.
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jazzy0710,
Thank you for sharing that with me. I am very sorry for what you are going through with your family. I will keep you in my prayers. Hopefully, God willing, we will both find peace with this situation. God Bless!!
 
dolly_finn said:
I am not judging.
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Stating facts is not “judging”. And, making judgments about actions is not wrong-- in other words, it is not wrong to state that selling obscene materials is wrong, it is judging the action but not what Christ talks about in the Gospels (which is about judging someone’s soul).
dolly_finn said:
But, I feel like I was taught that not only do I have to forgive but that I have to keep putting myself out there for her, even if she is abusive.
Click to expand...
Not sure who taught you that, it is not any sort of Church teaching.
dolly_finn said:
Can anyone tell me what the Church teaches on this?!
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We are called to forgive. We are called to be charitable when we are with those who are uncharitable (i.e. at family gatherings). We are not called to seek out abusive people, invite them to activities, be “friends” with them on facebook, or in any way interact with them.
dolly_finn said:
I am tired of putting myself in an abusive situation at the same time
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Please don’t do that any more.
dolly_finn said:
if Jesus asks me to do so
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He does not.

Be nice at Thanksgiving, pray for her and your BIL, always be pleasant, but stop trying to befriend her and invite her to do things. Just go your own way.
 
dolly_finn said:
Hello all, I need some advice about dealing with my future sister-in-law. The advice I am looking for would be what specifically would a priest/Bible tell me to do.

First let me say that I am the only Catholic in my entire family (both my side and my husband’s side). I converted in college. I was not raised a Christian and so sometimes the answer which might seem obvious to some are things I have not yet learned about my faith and/or the Bible. So, please be patient with me. I am trying to catch up:)

So my husband is a Christian (not a Catholic, but considering converting) and we go to Mass together every weekend. We are dedicated to living according to the Word of God and the Church’s teachings. That is not to say we are holier-than-thou types but we are quite different than my husband’s brother.

My husband’s brother is now living with a second girlfriend and he just proposed to her after living with her for three years (but they have dated for 5 years). Their major hobby is getting drunk. My future sister-in-law has been fired from at least two jobs over the last few years for “being a bully”. And, she has a second business selling obscene items (I have no idea how to nicely say what she sells). I am not judging. I am just trying to show there is a bit of difference between us.

Since she will be my only sister-in-law I have been trying to get to know her over the last few years. I have invited her to do things (have coffee or attend various activities). She has always turned me down but now out right. She says she will go and a the last minute there is always an “emergency”. Let’s just say she has had more than her fair share of emergencies lately. I never confront her even though she usually posts on Facebook what she did instead of spending time with me and it is never the emergency she mentioned. I have always just let it go in an effort to be nice. At family events she refuses to actually talk to me and has actually openly mocked me at times. I have tried to brush this off as I am being overly sensitive and move on. This week there was another occasion where she once again was very unkind and lied to me about something (about which again she again posted the truth about on Facebook). I just feel that I have had it.

But, I know as Christians we are suppose to forgive no matter what. And, I feel that we are suppose to keep trying to be kind. My husband says that from his reading of the Bible he feels that I am now “off the hook” trying to be nice to her. He says I don’t have to do one more thing for her (he said I could even decline an invitation to the wedding shower). He says forgiveness only is required. But, I feel like I was taught that not only do I have to forgive but that I have to keep putting myself out there for her, even if she is abusive.

Can anyone tell me what the Church teaches on this?! I am tired of putting myself in an abusive situation at the same time, if Jesus asks me to do so…than I will. I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you and God Bless.
Click to expand...
Unless they are going to have a Christian wedding and as long as neither of them have been priviously married, you could attend the wedding. And if she sends you an invitation, you should probably go.

Given her attitude, you don’t have to invite her or them to your home. But that is a judgment call. I would leave it up to your husband.

May I suggest you begin studying the Catechism and become more active in your parish. Start making friends there.

One final thing. Given her " occupation," don’t leave your children alone with either of them - not even for five minutes.

Linus2nd
 
Again, thank you all for your feedback and advice on all of this!!
 
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