Advice on girlfriend, marriage, kids....and a few more

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Erjoe79

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First of all some information: both my girlfriend and I are 33 years old, born and raised catholic, we live with our respective families, she has a 6 year old beautiful girl that I love as my own, and we are engaged and plan to be married sometime next year.

Now to the good stuff.

We’ve had several intense discussions regarding the fact that she thinks we should be living together. I don’t entirely disagree with her. I would love to, but I know it goes against what the church teaches, let alone it’ll create a s$&t storm with my parents. They are amazing people and conservative … Or should I say correct? I know they would deffinitely be against us living together before marriage. How about staying with her the weekends that her daughter goes away with her father? Is that a viable alternative, or something tone completely avoided as well?

Here’s the other part. We’ve been engaged since last December. We’ve been trying to plan an extremely low key wedding because of financial issues. But now that I am unemployed it makes it so much more difficult. I keep suggesting we could have a civil wedding and work on the church wedding as soon as we are better prepared, but she seems to be against that.

The children part goes as follows: I Lover her daughter as if she were mine but she agrees that it would a bit selfish not to have at least one of our own. Thing is while she was pregnant with her daughter she was told that it was a high risk pregnancy and she could have birth defects. Thank God she’s beautiful and healthy. One of our others arguments is that she is afraid to have children any older than 35 year sold. In other words she refuses to have any more children any older than 35 (redundancy?).So we technically according to her rule we have two years to have a child. I’ve gone so far out to even suggest having a child while we can according to her way of thinking, but she refuses that as well.

So here is my dilemma: how do I, or should I say how can I reconcile all these things to make it look like a coherent puzzle? All thoughts, comments, concerns, questions and prayers are welcome.
 
You already know that sex before marriage is sinful. TIme to prioritize. How important is God to the both of you? Your souls?

You already know that as a Catholic, you are subject to some rules about marriage, and you can’t make it up as you go. A civil wedding is not a solution for a Catholic. How important is God to the both of you? Your souls?

You already know that Catholics must be open to life, and that the Church may not approve any or all of her requirements for having another child. How important is God to the both of you? Your souls?

You already know that artificial contraception of any kind is not practiced by Catholics. People who are putting strict limits on potential children typically are not the type of people willing to do Natural Family Planning. How important is God to the both of you? Your souls?

It sounds like both of you have a pretty simple decision to make: Are you going to live like Catholics? If no, then there are no rules.

If yes, then you have some problems that need solving ASAP, and there’s no guarantee that you will both make the journey.

I’ve seen this type of situation many times, and I’ve never, ever seen it resolve into a valid, Catholic marriage. One or the other person is not willing to amend their lives sufficiently to agree with the Church.

Good luck.
 
Erjoe79 said:
Here’s the other part. We’ve been engaged since last December. We’ve been trying to plan an extremely low key wedding because of financial issues. But now that I am unemployed it makes it so much more difficult. I keep suggesting we could have a civil wedding and work on the church wedding as soon as we are better prepared, but she seems to be against that.
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If you’re worried about financial issues, getting married in the Church might actually be a better option! The only charge is a donation to the church/priest, usually in the range of $500, which can be waived based on your financial situation. Everything else is superfluous 😉
 
Coemgenus_O said:
If you’re worried about financial issues, getting married in the Church might actually be a better option! The only charge is a donation to the church/priest, usually in the range of $500, which can be waived based on your financial situation. Everything else is superfluous 😉
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My wife and I were charged nothing for our wedding. Maybe it is a choice of the diocese? I know it is customary to give a donation.
 
Erjoe79 said:
First of all some information: both my girlfriend and I are 33 years old, born and raised catholic, we live with our respective families, she has a 6 year old beautiful girl that I love as my own, and we are engaged and plan to be married sometime next year.

Now to the good stuff.

We’ve had several intense discussions regarding the fact that she thinks we should be living together. I don’t entirely disagree with her. I would love to, but I know it goes against what the church teaches, let alone it’ll create a s$&t storm with my parents. They are amazing people and conservative … Or should I say correct? I know they would deffinitely be against us living together before marriage. How about staying with her the weekends that her daughter goes away with her father? Is that a viable alternative, or something tone completely avoided as well?

Here’s the other part. We’ve been engaged since last December. We’ve been trying to plan an extremely low key wedding because of financial issues. But now that I am unemployed it makes it so much more difficult. I keep suggesting we could have a civil wedding and work on the church wedding as soon as we are better prepared, but she seems to be against that.

The children part goes as follows: I Lover her daughter as if she were mine but she agrees that it would a bit selfish not to have at least one of our own. Thing is while she was pregnant with her daughter she was told that it was a high risk pregnancy and she could have birth defects. Thank God she’s beautiful and healthy. One of our others arguments is that she is afraid to have children any older than 35 year sold. In other words she refuses to have any more children any older than 35 (redundancy?).So we technically according to her rule we have two years to have a child. I’ve gone so far out to even suggest having a child while we can according to her way of thinking, but she refuses that as well.

So here is my dilemma: how do I, or should I say how can I reconcile all these things to make it look like a coherent puzzle? All thoughts, comments, concerns, questions and prayers are welcome.
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You both have drastically different priorities - one wants to move in before marriage, the other wants to wait, one wants to get a civil ceremony, the other wants a church ceremony… Go and talk to a priest.

If you both wish to be married in the Catholic church, they typically require 10-12 months notice. Tell your beloved you will set a date as soon as you find a new job. The “church” part of my wedding cost $430 (over half that was just for music! and $75 was a refundable deposit) I spent $210 on my dress and shoes (including alterations) and my husband wore a suit with a new tie. I spent $9 on the tie. He spent $35 getting suit fitted. So, the total for that (dress, suit, and church) is $684. I got a $75 refund from church and total was $609. Have you or her talked to parents about helping pay for the cost of the wedding?

After you are married and settled, go see a Dr. to discuss the risks of pregnancy. You would also want to find out more specifically what went wrong and if it could be avoided (or if it is genetic, etc…) I have had two high risk pregnancies myself. We see the age “35 and over” for a lot of birth defects, particularly with Down Syndrome babies. However, there are other ways to expand a family such as adoption. I say this because this was seven years ago, she will probably go to a different OB who will have a different opinion/course of treatment, etc.

It sounds like you both are putting a lot on the table, and neither one of you are willing to negotiate. Neither partner gets to create a “rule” IMHO that destroys whatever partnership you two could build together.
 
Hi, Erjoe 79! If either of you wants to live your life as a Catholic, you have many issues to decide. It may be in your best interest to call it quits and look for other life mates.

Since you are both Catholic, and assuming that your fiance has never before been married, you both need to begin pre-Cana classes. If she has been married, she’ll need proof of an annulment through the Church (not the state) in order for either of you to marry, according to God’s laws. Since neither of you has a consistently across-the-board understanding of the rigors involved in maintaining a Catholic home, attend RCIA, too. Since both of you are Catholic, you’d likely be permitted to enter the class at this late date (they usually begin in September). Ask for the reading lists for both classes because it’s vitally important that you each know what being a practicing Catholic entails.

Although you both might feel now that your love will carry you through any adversities once you marry, these CAF threads are rife with broken hearts, broken marriages, and broken futures because people with seemingly 100% marriages do change as time goes on. A lasting and happy marriage requires that you’re able to grow together, not as Siamese twins–so joined together that you have no lives nor minds of your own–but as two distinct persons who work for the same goals, cherishing each other while serving God as you struggle with the mundane banalities of everyday life, for better or worse. Your marriage has little chance of lasting unless both of you are on the same page when you say, “I do.” Don’t forget that divorced Catholics have an extremely thin chance of annulment and without an annulment a divorced Catholic is considered still married until his/her spouse dies, and, therefore, must live celibate until that death occurs.

Those of us posting with warnings aren’t trying to discourage you; we’re trying to help both of you prepare to make the best choices as you contemplate this most important decision of your life. After carefully studying the faith together, if you can both be in agreement, go ahead and marry. If not, you’ll both be better off breaking up and dealing with heartache now so that you’re both free to find someone else to marry within the Church. You won’t have that option if you wish to remain a practicing Catholic and divorce. The choice of a spouse is the most important decision you’ll make in your entire life.

As for expenses, if you get past the hurdles you’ve mentioned, visit consignment and thrift shops for the wedding finery. Magnificent gowns can often be purchased for less than $20 plus the cost of drycleaning and fitting alterations.

Best wishes to both of you! I shall keep you in my prayers.
 
To marry in the Church does not have to be grand or involve any more than a brief ceremony after Mass. You do not have to have special clothes or anything like that, altho paint spattered jeans and worn boots might not be appropriate.

Many many women have children after 35. I had one at 35 and 2 more after that, the last at 43. I would have had more, but *God *said no.

I would start pre-Cana now so you will be prepared to marry and then plan to marry in whatever way is appropriate when you get a job or after you finish the pre-Cana, which ever comes last.

Don’t move in together. Don’t put yourself in the way of temptation by spending too much time alone with her.
 
Erjoe79 said:
First of all some information: both my girlfriend and I are 33 years old, born and raised catholic, we live with our respective families, she has a 6 year old beautiful girl that I love as my own, and we are engaged and plan to be married sometime next year.

Now to the good stuff.

We’ve had several intense discussions regarding the fact that she thinks we should be living together. I don’t entirely disagree with her. I would love to, but I know it goes against what the church teaches, let alone it’ll create a s$&t storm with my parents. They are amazing people and conservative … Or should I say correct? I know they would deffinitely be against us living together before marriage. How about staying with her the weekends that her daughter goes away with her father? Is that a viable alternative, or something tone completely avoided as well?

Here’s the other part. We’ve been engaged since last December. We’ve been trying to plan an extremely low key wedding because of financial issues. But now that I am unemployed it makes it so much more difficult. I keep suggesting we could have a civil wedding and work on the church wedding as soon as we are better prepared, but she seems to be against that.

The children part goes as follows: I Lover her daughter as if she were mine but she agrees that it would a bit selfish not to have at least one of our own. Thing is while she was pregnant with her daughter she was told that it was a high risk pregnancy and she could have birth defects. Thank God she’s beautiful and healthy. One of our others arguments is that she is afraid to have children any older than 35 year sold. In other words she refuses to have any more children any older than 35 (redundancy?).So we technically according to her rule we have two years to have a child. I’ve gone so far out to even suggest having a child while we can according to her way of thinking, but she refuses that as well.

So here is my dilemma: how do I, or should I say how can I reconcile all these things to make it look like a coherent puzzle? All thoughts, comments, concerns, questions and prayers are welcome.
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  1. No, staying at her place on the weekends is having sex before marriage and you know that’s a sin. So is shacking up as an unmarried couple.
  2. Seems like you’re saying she’s on birth control now. Are you already having sex with her? I would call BS on what she says - I had my first son at 34 and the doctors called me “advanced maternal age” and advised that my child could have birth defects. I think your girlfriend just doesn’t want any more kids.
  3. Time to go see a priest and do the pre-Cana course. If you haven’t done this yet, why not?
 
At 35 there is still less than a 1% chance of issues like Down’s Syndrome. The culture of death has made people worry when they shouldn’t.

And a child with a difference is just as beautiful and valuable as one more typical.

All that said, you have received some good advice from previous posters.
 
Wow I had no idea of the incredible amount of support I have revived fom all you. God does grant blessings in disguise. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, they are purely needed!!!

On a side note I have a few possible job offers lined up, so lets all pray hard!
 
Erjoe79 said:
We’ve had several intense discussions regarding the fact that she thinks we should be living together.
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What really concerns me about this situation is not just the fact that she wants to be living together, but that she has a young child. That is a sign of extreme immaturity. That absolute worst thing you can do to a child is having men coming in and out of the house with young children. That fact that you are engaged is irrelevant; you are not married, and might not get married even after you move in. That sends a bad message to the child, and I am seriously concerned that a mother doesn’t recognize this.

Why am I saying this? Because I’ve seen this people screw up their kids by doing this.
 
Erjoe79 said:
First of all some information: both my girlfriend and I are 33 years old, born and raised catholic, we live with our respective families, she has a 6 year old beautiful girl that I love as my own, and we are engaged and plan to be married sometime next year.

Now to the good stuff.

We’ve had several intense discussions regarding the fact that she thinks we should be living together. I don’t entirely disagree with her. I would love to, but I know it goes against what the church teaches, let alone it’ll create a s$&t storm with my parents. They are amazing people and conservative … Or should I say correct? I know they would deffinitely be against us living together before marriage. How about staying with her the weekends that her daughter goes away with her father? Is that a viable alternative, or something tone completely avoided as well?

Here’s the other part. We’ve been engaged since last December. We’ve been trying to plan an extremely low key wedding because of financial issues. But now that I am unemployed it makes it so much more difficult. I keep suggesting we could have a civil wedding and work on the church wedding as soon as we are better prepared, but she seems to be against that.

The children part goes as follows: I Lover her daughter as if she were mine but she agrees that it would a bit selfish not to have at least one of our own. Thing is while she was pregnant with her daughter she was told that it was a high risk pregnancy and she could have birth defects. Thank God she’s beautiful and healthy. One of our others arguments is that she is afraid to have children any older than 35 year sold. In other words she refuses to have any more children any older than 35 (redundancy?).So we technically according to her rule we have two years to have a child. I’ve gone so far out to even suggest having a child while we can according to her way of thinking, but she refuses that as well.

So here is my dilemma: how do I, or should I say how can I reconcile all these things to make it look like a coherent puzzle? All thoughts, comments, concerns, questions and prayers are welcome.
Click to expand...
I would just be straight with her, and be prepared to walk if you don’t get what you need.
  1. No living together before marriage. Period.
  2. Get a job first. Then, get married
  3. Kids are from God, you can’t plan/age that’s silly. If you have a child with a defect, that is your own idea, but remember, it’s not God’s to see defects he is perfect.
Hope this helps.
Lily
 
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