Advice on how to break news to parents

[edtaylor51]

Hello,

This is my first post and I will apologize in advance for this probably being long winded. Any advice others can give is greatly appreciated!

Here’s my situation. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children, ages 8 and 5. I was raised in a very traditional Catholic home. My wife was not raised in any religion, though her family celebrates Christian holidays in a secular manner. After our first child was born, she did go through RCIA and completed the conversion, but it was soon apparent that her heart did not truly believe. Since then, she has begun another conversion, this one for the right reasons (i.e. because she truly believes) - to Reform Judaism. I support her fully. Our children are still being raised Catholic as per our agreement when we got married. They attend Catholic school and my wife is very involved there. I am not seeking advice on her conversion, it is her decision and I support her.

My concern is telling my parents. They are very very traditional Catholics and to be quite honest, are sometimes unpredictable in how they react to anything non-Catholic. I know it’s silly for someone in his mid-30’s to be worried about telling his parents something, but most of you are Catholic, you know how Catholic moms can be. They live far away and we would rather tell them in person, however the next time we will see them is for our son’s first communion. Their reaction could be that they are happy for her, that she’s finding a path to God, or they could shun her for rejecting Jesus. I will not choose between my parents and my wife. I don’t believe that’s a decision they would force me to make, but rather they would make it for us. Their reaction will probably be somewhere in the middle - they will be upset and pray for her and us, but not cut off communication. If nothing else than for the grandchildren.

The advice I am seeking is on how to break this news to them as gently as possible. Maybe someone here has been in a similar situation and can offer guidance.

Thanks!!!

 

[Lily_Bernans]

There’s really no gentle way to tell them something they’ll hate. Just say it straight out.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Why do you feel the need to announce to your parents that your wife is rejecting Christ? It sounds as though you have some hostility toward them.

 

[HouseArrest]

They will pray for you and her, and not cut off communication…

What is so bad about that?

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Why does it need to be announced that your wife is going to become Jewish? I think it is good that she found something that she truly believes in, even if it isn’t Catholicism. If it happens to come up in conversation, then you could address it then. Otherwise, I think I would just let it go for now. You are married and on your own. Your parents don’t need to know about every aspect of your lives, IMO.

 

[edtaylor51]

Why does it need to be announced that your wife is going to become Jewish? I think it is good that she found something that she truly believes in, even if it isn’t Catholicism. If it happens to come up in conversation, then you could address it then. Otherwise, I think I would just let it go for now. You are married and on your own. Your parents don’t need to know about every aspect of your lives, IMO.

Well we thought about this, but if we don’t tell them, they will find out through Facebook, and it doesn’t seem appropriate to let them find out that way…

 

[edtaylor51]

Why do you feel the need to announce to your parents that your wife is rejecting Christ? It sounds as though you have some hostility toward them.

See, she’s not rejecting Christ, and this is how i fear they will see it as well. She never truly believed. She converted to Catholicism for the wrong reasons before - because she thought she should. Rejection implies malice or ill feelings, and that’s just not the case. Does that make sense?

 

[edtaylor51]

They will pray for you and her, and not cut off communication…

What is so bad about that?

Nothing, this is the good end of the spectrum of possible outcomes.

Personally, I’m happy she’s found a path to G-d (to keep with the Jewish theme).

 

[mary_bobo]

Well we thought about this, but if we don’t tell them, they will find out through Facebook, and it doesn’t seem appropriate to let them find out that way…

With all due respect, people sometimes put too much of their personal lives on Facebook. Why mention it there?

 

[boldlygo]

Hello,

This is my first post and I will apologize in advance for this probably being long winded. Any advice others can give is greatly appreciated!

Here’s my situation. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children, ages 8 and 5. I was raised in a very traditional Catholic home. My wife was not raised in any religion, though her family celebrates Christian holidays in a secular manner. After our first child was born, she did go through RCIA and completed the conversion, but it was soon apparent that her heart did not truly believe. Since then, she has begun another conversion, this one for the right reasons (i.e. because she truly believes) - to Reform Judaism. I support her fully. Our children are still being raised Catholic as per our agreement when we got married. They attend Catholic school and my wife is very involved there. I am not seeking advice on her conversion, it is her decision and I support her.

My concern is telling my parents. They are very very traditional Catholics and to be quite honest, are sometimes unpredictable in how they react to anything non-Catholic. I know it’s silly for someone in his mid-30’s to be worried about telling his parents something, but most of you are Catholic, you know how Catholic moms can be. They live far away and we would rather tell them in person, however the next time we will see them is for our son’s first communion. Their reaction could be that they are happy for her, that she’s finding a path to God, or they could shun her for rejecting Jesus. I will not choose between my parents and my wife. I don’t believe that’s a decision they would force me to make, but rather they would make it for us. Their reaction will probably be somewhere in the middle - they will be upset and pray for her and us, but not cut off communication. If nothing else than for the grandchildren.

The advice I am seeking is on how to break this news to them as gently as possible. Maybe someone here has been in a similar situation and can offer guidance.

Thanks!!!

Welcome to CAF! I don’t have any answers for you, but you and your [extended] family will be in my prayers…

 

[edtaylor51]

With all due respect, people sometimes put too much of their personal lives on Facebook. Why mention it there?

It will be mentioned, if not by her or me, by someone. It’s inevitable.

And besides, isn’t that the point of Facebook?

 

[Don_Ruggero]

It will be mentioned, if not by her or me, by someone. It’s inevitable.

And besides, isn’t that the point of Facebook?

As a priest, yes I have encountered variations of this theme many times over the years.

Of course it is absolutely inevitable that it will be discovered – this will be an important part of her identity going forward and anything but something to be hidden or not spoken of.

It is wonderful that you are supportive of her in her faith journey and I will pray for both of you. I am happy that she is not making an issue of the children continuing to be raised in the Catholic faith – even as they will surely be exposed to their mother’s faith.

There is the wonderful document of Vatican II, Dignitatis Humanae, which speaks to aspects of this issue, should your parents be of a mind to read it. If not, perhaps they could be encouraged to speak with a priest – preferably who is quite well versed with work in interfaith or at least ecumenical endeavors since we have our own experience and knowledge in these fields to draw from.

Obviously, you know your parents and no one on this board does. Let us pray, at least, that their reaction will be as positive as their sentiments can possibly permit…for their own sakes as well as you, your wife, and the children.

 

[edtaylor51]

As a priest, yes I have encountered variations of this theme many times over the years.

Of course it is absolutely inevitable that it will be discovered – this will be an important part of her identity going forward and anything but something to be hidden or not spoken of.

It is wonderful that you are supportive of her in her faith journey and I will pray for both of you. I am happy that she is not making an issue of the children continuing to be raised in the Catholic faith – even as they will surely be exposed to their mother’s faith.

There is the wonderful document of Vatican II, Dignitatis Humanae, which speaks to aspects of this issue, should your parents be of a mind to read it. If not, perhaps they could be encouraged to speak with a priest – preferably who is quite well versed with work in interfaith or at least ecumenical endeavors since we have our own experience and knowledge in these fields to draw from.

Obviously, you know your parents and no one on this board does. Let us pray, at least, that their reaction will be as positive as their sentiments can possibly permit…for their own sakes as well as you, your wife, and the children.

That’s great, I will read this document! Thank you for the guidance, Father.

 

[Viki63]

Just a thought: Catholicism is the completion of Judaism.
Maybe after she’s been practicing the Jewish faith for awhile, she’ll realize that Jesus is the promised Messiah.
She could become a Messianic Jew.

.

 

[edtaylor51]

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story.

I agree that your parents need to know something like this, since it is something they will find out about eventually. I disagree that you should wait to tell them face-to-face, only because you live so far away and it is impractical. When they arrive for the beautiful occasion of your son’s First Holy Communion, a completely Catholic celebration, they will simultaneously discover that their grandson’s mother does not believe that this Holy Communion is indeed the body of Christ which will be hard for them.

Therefore, I would consider calling and gently telling them this via phone, and being honest that you are doing this only because the next time you see them in person it is going to be your child’s First Communion. I am a grandparent, and I would be very sad to hear such news at my grandchild’s First Communion. If I heard news in advance I could have time to think about it, and “digest” it as it were.

I don’t think you are silly for worrying about what your parents think! You love and care about them this is kindness, not silliness. Also, you know that part of their worry is that your children are being raised in a household with two faiths, that is concern for any grandparent but you already knew that. You and your wife need to focus now on what you have in common instead of what separates you. Your wife is a good woman who supports your children being raised Catholic, this is wonderful! Praise her for being a good and supportive mother, tell your parents this. Thank your wife every Sunday after you and your children go to Mass! Thank her for being supportive of your faith life this is important and share this with your parents. I will pray that your wife comes back to the Catholic church but in the meantime concentrate on what you DO have. Also, make sure to intercede if necessary for your wife in case your parents want to talk with her or anything this is your duty to protect her as her husband. Please be assured of my prayers, God bless.

Thank you for the kind words, I will definitely mull this one over. Just a note, my wife actually does attend Mass with us. We go as a family

 

[AdamP88]

Just a thought: Catholicism is the completion of Judaism.
Maybe after she’s been practicing the Jewish faith for awhile, she’ll realize that Jesus is the promised Messiah.
She could become a Messianic Jew.

.

This thought crossed my mind as well. She may gradually realise, through her Jewish faith, that Jesus is the Messiah and convert to Catholicism.

 

[Irishmom2]

This thought crossed my mind as well. She may gradually realise, through her Jewish faith, that Jesus is the Messiah and convert to Catholicism.

Count me in on that thinking as well. She has to make her own journey back.

 

[StGerardMajella]

Their reaction could be that they are happy for her, that she’s finding a path to God, or they could shun her for rejecting Jesus.

I think you could preview their reaction by casually inserting questions into normal conversations. For example, “What do you think of Paul Ryan’s recent trip to Israel?” and similar questions. If they react in a highly negative manner, then I think you have a better estimate as to their plausible reaction.

Tell them you are planning a Passover meal with some Jewish friends. Then sit back and watch their reaction. Or tell them that since Pope Francis lights the menorah, your family has decided that next year you will do the same in fraternal brotherhood and solidarity with the Jewish people. Then sit back and listen carefully to their response.

Test questions such as these will give you a good ideas as to their ultimate reaction.

The advice I am seeking is on how to break this news to them as gently as possible. Maybe someone here has been in a similar situation and can offer guidance.

See above. If they act in a really negative manner towards Jewish people or Judaism in general, then I think you will have to really re-think your approach. Ultimately, you will have to tell them, but how, when, and what approach you use will depend on your analysis of the situation. If they are even in the least bit antisemitic, then I think you will need to be very careful about how you choose to approach this discussion.

Judaism is a wonderful religion, and the Jewish people are simply wonderful. Of all the religions your wife could have chosen, she should be commended for her choice.

There are some sectors of society and religion that are quite hostile to Judaism. Just be aware that not everyone will understand, and how you explain this decision to others will depend on the person’s background, understanding, and openness to change.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story.

I agree that your parents need to know something like this, since it is something they will find out about eventually. I disagree that you should wait to tell them face-to-face, only because you live so far away and it is impractical. When they arrive for the beautiful occasion of your son’s First Holy Communion, a completely Catholic celebration, they will simultaneously discover that their grandson’s mother does not believe that this Holy Communion is indeed the body of Christ which will be hard for them.

Therefore, I would consider calling and gently telling them this via phone, and being honest that you are doing this only because the next time you see them in person it is going to be your child’s First Communion. I am a grandparent, and I would be very sad to hear such news at my grandchild’s First Communion. If I heard news in advance I could have time to think about it, and “digest” it as it were.

I completely agree with Monicad’s post. Also, from the perspective of your son, that occasion is about him and Jesus, and not about your wife leaving the faith. Regardless of how your parents act in the long term, the first conversations have the potential to be uncomfortable or contentious, and it really wouldn’t be fair to your son to mar his special celebration by “dropping that bomb” in the middle of it. And you won’t be able to hide it, since your parents will likely notice her not receiving communion herself and may ask about it. So I do think that you should do it over the phone, well in advance of their arrival. I would even recommend that you tell them soon enough that this not be the last conversation you have with them before they arrive. Let the information settle with them, and talk to them again on the phone after that. If this is coming out of the blue for them, it is reasonable to expect that they might want to talk about it again - a second conversation gives you the chance to answer questions, set boundaries (ie-I understand this is a shock, and I’m happy to answer questions, but I don’t want to argue… or… it is really important that we keep the First Communion about our boy, so please let’s not get into that conversation at that time…), or even just have a friendly conversation that reassures you all that you can still get along. As for how to do it, I think you just have to come right out and say it. But don’t get mad if they get upset at first. Certainly expect them to be respectful of you and your wife, but do try to be understanding that it might be quite shocking and might make them very sad and worried for you and your kids. Remember, you will go into the conversation having thought a lot ahead of time and planned how you will say it, whereas they will be surprised with it. Their first reaction is not necessarily indicative of how they will deal with the situation long term.

 

[oneofmany]

Have you talked to your wife about Jews who have become Christian? A lot of info online.