Advice on how to break news to parents

[edtaylor51]

Have you talked to your wife about Jews who have become Christian? A lot of info online.

Well she’s going the opposite direction 14 years of attending mass, RCIA, and having two kids in Catholic school haven’t done the trick. But really this is a side track, I know not everyone will agree with this, but I’m OK with her decision to become Jewish. That’s not my concern or reason for posting. I understand this line of questions, and I expect them from my parents as well.

 

[edtaylor51]

I completely agree with Monicad’s post. Also, from the perspective of your son, that occasion is about him and Jesus, and not about your wife leaving the faith. Regardless of how your parents act in the long term, the first conversations have the potential to be uncomfortable or contentious, and it really wouldn’t be fair to your son to mar his special celebration by “dropping that bomb” in the middle of it. And you won’t be able to hide it, since your parents will likely notice her not receiving communion herself and may ask about it. So I do think that you should do it over the phone, well in advance of their arrival. I would even recommend that you tell them soon enough that this not be the last conversation you have with them before they arrive. Let the information settle with them, and talk to them again on the phone after that. If this is coming out of the blue for them, it is reasonable to expect that they might want to talk about it again - a second conversation gives you the chance to answer questions, set boundaries (ie-I understand this is a shock, and I’m happy to answer questions, but I don’t want to argue… or… it is really important that we keep the First Communion about our boy, so please let’s not get into that conversation at that time…), or even just have a friendly conversation that reassures you all that you can still get along. As for how to do it, I think you just have to come right out and say it. But don’t get mad if they get upset at first. Certainly expect them to be respectful of you and your wife, but do try to be understanding that it might be quite shocking and might make them very sad and worried for you and your kids. Remember, you will go into the conversation having thought a lot ahead of time and planned how you will say it, whereas they will be surprised with it. Their first reaction is not necessarily indicative of how they will deal with the situation long term.

In conversations with the Rabbi, your last point was emphasized - that their initial reaction will not be their final reaction.

My biggest struggle is indeed deciding when to tell them, either in person or over the phone (or Skype). I can see valid arguments for both…

 

[edtaylor51]

When is your son’s First Communion?

in a couple of weeks…

 

[edtaylor51]

Did your parents raise you that it was disrespectful to give important news over the phone? If so, I can see why you are concerned about this and I would begin any conversation or Skype with the explanation that you are doing it in advance of your son’s event deliberately because you don’t want his First Communion to be a time of discussing your wife’s faith journey and wanted to give everyone time to let the news sink in.

Forgive me, but I wonder if there may be a small part of you that is stalling? If you are seeking the perfect way to give them this news I can tell you that there isn’t one. There aren’t any perfect words either. Sometimes hard news is simply hard news, no matter how it is delivered, you are going to have to accept the fact that this news is going to be hard for your parents, this is hard though because you love them and you love your wife.

Jesus knows this is hard for you, Jesus knows this is a hard journey for you. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. Pray for your parents before you talk to them. Ask the Holy Spirit to soften their hearts before you call them. I have children that live outside of the home and grandchildren, I also have children that still live home with me. I can tell you that I would rather have this news in advance instead of being blindsided on a happy occasion. This way too, you won’t have these same anxieties you might be feeling now when you are going to meet your parents when they arrive. Please be assured of my prayers, you are probably worried because you love everyone so much. This is a good thing!

Honestly my pause with doing it over the phone or Skype is that they won’t come to First Communion…but yes this is hard because their reaction is hard to gauge. They are unpredictable when it comes to this kind of thing.

 

[Irishmom2]

Honestly my pause with doing it over the phone or Skype is that they won’t come to First Communion…but yes this is hard because their reaction is hard to gauge. They are unpredictable when it comes to this kind of thing.

I guess I am the only one that thinks it could wait until your son’s communion day is over.

I just don’t see why an announcement needs to be made beforehand. Someone mentioned your wife not going to communion that day, but I would never ask someone why they did not go to communion. It is none of my business. However, it may give your conversation a starting point. “Mom and Dad, you may have noticed that (name) did not go up for communion…”

 

[edtaylor51]

I guess I am the only one that thinks it could wait until your son’s communion day is over.

I just don’t see why an announcement needs to be made beforehand. Someone mentioned your wife not going to communion that day, but I would never ask someone why they did not go to communion. It is none of my business. However, it may give your conversation a starting point. “Mom and Dad, you may have noticed that (name) did not go up for communion…”

Yeah, the tentative plan is after First Communion for sure. That evening when the rest of the family has cleared out. They are aware that my wife doesn’t take communion, we’ve been to mass together a number of times since she’s stopped…that part isn’t a surprise.

 

[edtaylor51]

Yeah that’s what I meant by shunning in the original post…That extreme of a reaction is unlikely, but not unthinkable.

 

[edtaylor51]

This is your first thread here so I will try and be helpful but I am honestly puzzled.

It was not clear to me in your first post, when you said your parents would “shun her” (meaning your wife) that they would boycott your son’s First Holy Communion. I thought that meant they would treat your wife differently. Therefore take my original advice and perhaps forget it? Your first post in fact said that “they would not cut off communication, if nothing else then for the grandchildren” so I thought that your children were a priority for them. Now it seems (according to you) this is not the case as it is possible they would boycott their own grandson’s sacrament in order to shun their daughter-in-law.

I am indeed confused here, trying to be of some use to you but don’t think I understand your family dynamic. I am sorry that you are going through this. Your parents must be very hard to have a relationship with when you don’t know how to predict their behavior, please be assured of my prayers it must be very stressful. Not knowing whether or not your parents are going to boycott your son’s Sacraments must be awful. When you have a relationship like that there must be a long and stressful family history I can only imagine. Please take care as best as you can and best wishes for a great day for your son it is a joyous day!

The complete shun (of myself and my wife, and through the transitive properties of shunning, the kids) is worst case scenario. I don’t THINK it would happen, but it’s a possibility. Sorry if the scenarios are confusing, i do appreciate the advice and prayers.

In a nutshell the range of outcomes with estimated probabilities…

1% - they never speak to us again
10% - they only speak to us as a conduit to the children
30% - We speak but rarely visit, and NEVER talk about Judaism
59% - They are shocked and upset at first, but eventually things return to normal, and they pray for my wife and I and the kids A LOT more (best possible outcome, and one I would expect from devout Catholics and would be sad if they didn’t pray).

There is a complicated history within the family, which doesn’t help. It can be stressful at times, having to walk on egg shells, never knowing what comments or opinions might cause issues.

 

[Irishmom2]

Ed, I am hoping and will pray that your 59% choice is actually as high as 99%.
To cut someone out of their life over differing religions when they are related to you is not very compassionate. I will remember you in my prayers and pray for a positive outcome. Maybe one we haven’t even dreamed of.

 

[edtaylor51]

Ed, I am hoping and will pray that your 59% choice is actually as high as 99%.
To cut someone out of their life over differing religions when they are related to you is not very compassionate. I will remember you in my prayers and pray for a positive outcome. Maybe one we haven’t even dreamed of.

Thank you! I hope you are right.

 

[StGerardMajella]

59% - They are shocked and upset at first, but eventually things return to normal, and they pray for my wife and I and the kids A LOT more (best possible outcome, and one I would expect from devout Catholics and would be sad if they didn’t pray).

What does your wife think? How does she want to handle this news to your parents?

With this kind of expected reaction in the negative, I would be hesitant to tell your parents much of anything without at least laying some groundwork and context first.

I’d be more concerned about your wife right now and how she might be treated unfairly and poorly by your parents.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

If you are truly worried that bringing it up ahead of time might cause them to boycott the First Communion, then DEFINITELY, do NOT tell them during the First Communion Weekend. On the one hand, the stubborn person in me would say that if they are so petty as to punish your son for the decision his mother is making, then we’re better off without them, and therefore it wouldn’t hurt to tell them ahead of time. But the mommy in me would understand that my little first communicant might not understand that, and to make his day special, I would be willing to hold back that conversation until afterwards.

So the fact remains that your wife’s behavior at Mass might lead them to question - in particular, her lack of reception of Communion (or does she also not say the prayers/responses or sing the songs either?). And yes, it is rude and nosy to ask a person why they did not receive Communion, but lots of people ask rude and nosy questions, so better to be prepared for the possibility.

These may sound silly, but I have a couple of suggestions for avoiding those tough conversations.

1-Have your wife eat something less than an hour before communion, so that she can honestly tell people that she didn’t fast for an hour before communion. She can even slyly steer the topic away from herself like this: “Oh, I ate something less than an hour before communion…Tell me mom-in-law, do you remember when you had to fast since midnight? Was that really difficult?..”
2-Have your wife go to the bathroom (after your son receives), so that she can honestly say that she missed it, being in the bathroom.
3-There is always the more blunt approach of telling people you’d rather not answer that question. Or of telling them that it is rude to ask a person why they’re not receiving, because reasons are sometimes very personal, and you make it a practice never to ask OR ANSWER that question, even when your reasons are NOT private.

Prayers for your family.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If you are truly worried that bringing it up ahead of time might cause them to boycott the First Communion, then DEFINITELY, do NOT tell them during the First Communion Weekend. On the one hand, the stubborn person in me would say that if they are so petty as to punish your son for the decision his mother is making, then we’re better off without them, and therefore it wouldn’t hurt to tell them ahead of time. But the mommy in me would understand that my little first communicant might not understand that, and to make his day special, I would be willing to hold back that conversation until afterwards.

So the fact remains that your wife’s behavior at Mass might lead them to question - in particular, her lack of reception of Communion (or does she also not say the prayers/responses or sing the songs either?). And yes, it is rude and nosy to ask a person why they did not receive Communion, but lots of people ask rude and nosy questions, so better to be prepared for the possibility.

These may sound silly, but I have a couple of suggestions for avoiding those tough conversations.

1-Have your wife eat something less than an hour before communion, so that she can honestly tell people that she didn’t fast for an hour before communion. She can even slyly steer the topic away from herself like this: “Oh, I ate something less than an hour before communion…Tell me mom-in-law, do you remember when you had to fast since midnight? Was that really difficult?..”
2-Have your wife go to the bathroom (after your son receives), so that she can honestly say that she missed it, being in the bathroom.
3-There is always the more blunt approach of telling people you’d rather not answer that question. Or of telling them that it is rude to ask a person why they’re not receiving, because reasons are sometimes very personal, and you make it a practice never to ask OR ANSWER that question, even when your reasons are NOT private.

Prayers for your family.

I have a hard time imagining any self respecting adult jumping through that many hoops to ensure that their MIL is comfortable with their personal religious choices.

If after Mass MIL wants to comment then the DIL can either say “I’m exploring other religious paths”/“I’m converting to Judaism”/“I don’t feel comfortable participating in communion” or whatever. But don’t let your MILs judgement make you leave mass or lie about eating.

It really doesn’t matter what this woman’s in laws think.

 

[Irishmom2]

1-Have your wife eat something less than an hour before communion, so that she can honestly tell people that she didn’t fast for an hour before communion. She can even slyly steer the topic away from herself like this: “Oh, I ate something less than an hour before communion…Tell me mom-in-law, do you remember when you had to fast since midnight? Was that really difficult?..”
2-Have your wife go to the bathroom (after your son receives), so that she can honestly say that she missed it, being in the bathroom.
3-There is always the more blunt approach of telling people you’d rather not answer that question. Or of telling them that it is rude to ask a person why they’re not receiving, because reasons are sometimes very personal, and you make it a practice never to ask OR ANSWER that question, even when your reasons are NOT private.

Please, do not do any of these. The first two ideas wouldn’t technically be lies, but the reasons for doing them are not true. The third idea attempts to answer a question, not yet even asked, by answering rudely. These are not strangers that you need to tell off, these are your parents.

 

[StGerardMajella]

The first two ideas wouldn’t technically be lies, but the reasons for doing them are not true.

Honesty is still the best policy.

Whether you rip off the Band-Aid all at once, or you peel it away slowly, the Band-Aid is still going to be removed one way or another.

 

[Irishmom2]

Honesty is still the best policy.

Whether you rip off the Band-Aid all at once, or you peel it away slowly, the Band-Aid is still going to be removed one way or another.

I agree. I meant that to me, they are dishonest, even if not technically lies. And therefore, wrong.

 

[edtaylor51]

I agree. I meant that to me, they are dishonest, even if not technically lies. And therefore, wrong.

Yeah, we are not going to lie or deceive. My parents have seen her not take communion, the fact that my wife’s Catholic conversion didn’t stick (for lack of a better term) is not a surprise. When it’s time for First Communion, my wife will simply cross her arms and accept a blessing. Like I said, she is not hostile towards the Catholic Church.

Also just to answer some other questions, my wife is not comfortable telling people big news on the phone or over Skype. It’s a family trait - just the other day, her brother told us his wife is pregnant again. He would not tell family this over the phone either, he insisted on telling family and close friends in person.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Yeah, we are not going to lie or deceive. My parents have seen her not take communion, the fact that my wife’s Catholic conversion didn’t stick (for lack of a better term) is not a surprise. When it’s time for First Communion, my wife will simply cross her arms and accept a blessing. Like I said, she is not hostile towards the Catholic Church.

Also just to answer some other questions, my wife is not comfortable telling people big news on the phone or over Skype. It’s a family trait - just the other day, her brother told us his wife is pregnant again. He would not tell family this over the phone either, he insisted on telling family and close friends in person.

Ok, so clearly my first two suggestions of mental reservation were not taken well. Whatever - I don’t think it’s that big a deal, to give half (and truthful) answers to avoid fully answering a question that is no one’s business to ask in the first place. But I’m not sure why folks are saying that my third suggestion is lying or deception in any way. That was the one that if someone asks why she isn’t receiving just to say that as a policy you don’t answer those questions. Honestly, this is a good policy to take in general, especially as your son gets older. If he ever needs to abstain from receiving Communion because of a sin he has yet to confess, do you really want him taking Communion anyway, because he knows you might ask him why he didn’t receive? But your recent mention that your family has watched your wife not receive Communion before is pretty important. So they won’t care and won’t ask, is what you’re saying. Then what’s the problem? It shouldn’t be difficult to avoid discussing this at this point.

I kind of get the feeling that you have always been and still are intent on telling them at the First Communion. I still strongly recommend against that. So she isn’t comfortable telling people big news over the phone. Is her comfort in how she gives the news more important than potentially ruining the First Communion? Sometimes we have to do things that are uncomfortable, and for the sake of your little boy, this conversation should either happen before or after that occasion, but not ON it. Do it before - if they can’t handle it and boycott his First Communion, you can frame it in a way that he will not be devastated (my in laws didn’t come to my daughter’s First Communion last week. I was bothered, but I don’t think she was). Or do it after and avoid all of the immediate problems that you are worried about. So yes, it might not be the ideal way to break the news to them, but is it really worth ruining your son’s celebration, just so that you can be the most comfortable?

Plus think about this. If you tell news of a pregnancy in person, you all have the joy of celebrating together, in person. Totally understandable why you would want to wait to tell in person if you can (but seriously, you wouldn’t tell long distance relatives over the phone? Can you always afford to wait that long in pregnancy?) If you tell news of a terrible illness in person, you all have the benefit of being able to comfort each other more personally (and again, I have to assume that not everyone can just hop a plane and fly to family every time there is bad news - wouldn’t there be some situations where you wouldn’t have time to wait to tell?). But if you tell someone news that makes them angry in person, while you might be able to communicate a little more clearly in person than over the phone, you also might totally ruin one of your few visits that you have with arguments and bad feeling. That doesn’t sound all that fabulous, compared to the other types of news you would give in person.

 

[edtaylor51]

I spoke with my parish Priest today and he was very supportive of my wife’s decision considering her background, which is nice. He made it clear she’s welcome at Mass and welcome to help at the kids school. His main question was if we planned to continue to raise the children Catholic, and of course the answer is yes - they go to the parish elementary school. To no surprise, he talked about Saul/Paul, and my wife and I agreed that we would have been shocked and a little offended had he not. He also discussed the contents of Digitatis humanae (though he did not mention it by name). Also he encouraged us to discuss the similarities in the faiths rather than the differences. If you’ve ever been to a Passover seder you would see that it’s very similar to what the priest does during Mass. Just no bitter herbs or lamb shank. And we just get a sip of wine instead of 4 glasses. Jews win on this point! He saw no issue with exposing the children to the jewish traditions, and in fact encouraged it since it can lead to a better understanding and appreciation of Catholic traditions and rituals.

Thanks to all who responded, this plus the conversations we’ve had with the priest and rabbis have put us a ease. Whatever happens, happens and there’s not much we can do about it. They will either accept this or not. Odds are they will become more comfortable with this over time, once the initial shock wears off.

Thank you!!