Advice on how to deal with mother

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dashso40

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My mother is in her 60’s, is a widow, and I don’t know how to deal with her…She is so judgemental of everyone and everything…She is a nonpracticing Catholic,and she criticizes Catholic religion too, at times…I don’t want to disrespect her but I’m finding it increasingly difficult to curb my patience…Any advice?
 
I too have had worries over my mother.She is 60 also.Very controlling,hates me being a catholic an so on.Last month it got too much for me.Im 43 an just couldnt take her critism anymore.I told her over phone all my fears as i was fearful of her,all my moans.It got heated,an i know i upset her.i prayed an prayed.i said sorry for shouting,but that i did mean the words i had said,an that she wasnt to speak down to me or i would keep my distance.Things have been bit better.She still says im wicked for upsetting her but i know i did right,as uit was making my heatlh an nerves bad.Mary gave me the courage.I am no longer if fear of her an pray for her daily as i do love her.x
 
You can covert her by strong prayers and fasting… And you are ready to follow Jesus by carrying your problems in life.

Hope she will turn from that life.
 
There are books on “toxic personality disorder” and dealing with “toxic older adults”. This is a very common problem. And difficult.

Ultimately, some/ many therapists advocate “unplugging” to protect one’s own personal sanity and one’s own physical and mental health.

Sounds like you said the right thing and just repeat/refine the same speech to her. That if she persists you will stop talking with her.

Key thing is to get on with your own life and not look to your mother for approval … you’re not going to get any approval.

I know people in their 70’s who are still being tortured by their parents. The parents get pleasure from the difficulties they cause others. Their eyes light up when the succeed in pushing their adult children’s buttons.

So, you need to put yourself in the position of one of your friends … when they hear someone they are not related to carrying on in sadist mode, they just shake their heads and say “see ya later”. And they just write off the parents and minimize contact.
 
I think a simple straight forward “Mom, it is totally unacceptable for you to put down my faith” is what is needed. If she wants to engage you in an argument about it, don’t go there. Just let her know that you will not be putting up with it.
 
Good day and God bless…I have a very similar problem with my mother, except she’s a practicing Catholic…I used to call her “under my nose” hypocrite, when I was in my rebellious years as a teenager…One time she heard me and told me I was condemned to hell for all eternity for dishonoring my mother, as one of the Ten Commandments demands you to do… 🤷

I can’t raise my voice at her, I can’t speak over her, I can’t share my passions or dreams with her, I can’t speak my mind with her, nor what I have learned through Catholic Forums, or reading the Bible myself…Everything I say has to be double checked- Well I’ll ask your father and see if that’s true…It’s like whatever…If they need help with something and I volunteer to help them, like for example-this year they want to refinance but my father works really long hours, 16 hours a day, 5 days of the week, and when he’s home all he does is rest and sleep. Can you blame him?! Well the reason this is so is because they have an almost 2 grand mortgage…Well I offered to help them find a bank that would refinance their loan…all of a sudden she brings my sister into the conversation, I am like, UHM what does she have to do with what I am telling you…Since my sister’s her favorite and my father thanks me for helping them find their home to begin with, because all the banks he searched for denied his approval and I helped him find one, my mother was disappointed that my sister (her fav btw) doesn’t get any recognition in my father’s eyes, so she volunteered her into helping them out…

I felt a bit bad because I was more than happy to do so, but her comments of “well you need to do something with your house and make sure it’s clean so I won’t bother you!” Really upset and bothered me…When they came to visit me this year it had been 2 months since I washed the carpet, depending on the weather would wash it 1-3 months…Well during that time I didn’t have the money to rent the washer and when they came I was a disgusting slob…Very disappointing…Everything else was perfect except for the carpet so I was a lazy slob…She went and bought me a carpet shampooer…I shampoo the carpet every week…seriously…My gf went over 3 weeks ago and saw me shampooing, came over a week later saw me shampooing, came over this weekend saw me shampooing as well, she asked me if I was crazy??? I told her I was never going to be called a slob again because I can’t afford to wash the carpet…With 3 kids and 2 dogs…it’s really difficult to keep tan colored carpet clean…believe me no matter how much I wash it, still looks the same.

I have written in this forum asking for advice on my parents, and let me tell you everyone has advised that I just speak to them straight out but every time I try to I get told I am an ungrateful child, terrible daughter, the worst of the family, etc etc etc…SO I am stuck just keeping my distance…My mother is in her mid 50’s btw…I am 30 but going on 60 let me tell you- health wise…And then they call me fat and everything else because now my body is so difficult for losing weight, and have been going through some terrible health issues, and they compare with my sister on how skinny she is and I just listen overthe phone wishing I could just hang up…And they don’t put themselves in my shoes and think what all this can do to my well being, nope instead they continue to hammer things on and still talk behind my back about anything they want…And put me down…

So now I just keep the conversations to a minimum and pray for her even more than before…And hope that someday she just leaves me in peace you know…I love her to death she’s my mother but I just can’t even you know, have a moment of peace with her…

So if you can keep your conversations to a minimum maybe things will start going better for you…I know that now it’s almost like a hi and bye thing for us I am not so stressed over my own situations as I was when I would be on the phone for hours with her. Also if you can keep your visits to a minimum as well that might help you out.

And just keep praying for her as much as possible…God bless and may GOD enlighten your mother to do God’s will. Take care dear!
 
Offer it up and find good places to vent. My fil sounds like your mother, and it can be torture. I’ve had to limit my exposure to the negativity for my own mental health. It’s a constant struggle to figure out how to love without getting spewed on.
 
Let us pray for all of these moms and dads who create so many difficulties for their families.
 
A number of friends and I are dealing w/ aging parents. Our observation is that they get pretty negative and challenging as they age. (some have always been like that, but our quirks seem to magnify as we get older :()

I’m not sure we can change our parents, but we try to remind each other to remember these things so hopefully we won’t do the same things when we’re their age!
 
One of my main parenting goals is to be someone whom my kids look forward to visiting when I get old!
 
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