Advice on how to handle divorce while trying to convert…

[Chris1112]

The last month has been wonderful as I’ve gotten farther into studying the Catholic faith and I am enrolling in RICA this upcoming September. It’s been bittersweet … right after I started getting serious, my husband hits me with the news that while he loves me, he doesn’t feel we are “soul mates,” or are meant to be with each other and he is going to finally file for divorce. He says religion is not the reason, insists it’s not me, says I haven’t done anything wrong, and there is nothing I can do to make him change his mind. This isn’t completely new. This attitude surfaces regularly and he even left me 2 years ago with the same line of reasoning but I refused to willingly divorce. His plans fell through, he came back home, and we moved forward trying to repair the damage. I attempted to have him join me at marriage counseling and church, but he refuses both saying there is no point to counseling because he doesn’t want to be married and no point to church because he’s grown past that. Debating either point has not been fruitful and now I give him space on the issues hoping he will reconsider if I just be patient.

Here’s the kicker… neither of us want children and ever since a middle schooler I have had no desire to raise a family. I’ve always been told I would ‘grow out of it’ but at 25 I still feel this way. If he does divorce me, I wouldn’t plan to remarry… it’s a hard thing to accept, but I don’t want children and I can logically understand the church’s teaching on this (I’m still working on emotionally understanding it).

1. Would my current marriage be considered valid if I get confirmed, etc. I read that a previous marriage is recognized as valid… but this doesn’t seem accurate because I still don’t want children.
2. Do I let him divorce me b/c we don’t want children and the marriage wouldn’t be validated due to this? I have no idea how I would emotionally get through something like this and the thought just about breaks my heart. I’ve always believed marriage takes work and no matter how much counseling or effort I need to make, I wasn’t giving up on it.
3. Do I continue to pray about it and try to salvage the marriage like I’ve been doing over the past 5 years? This is what most Protestant-oriented books suggest I do but I’m not sure if this is aligned with the Catholic teachings. I read the ‘Love Dare’ and ‘Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage’ and that was the theory in these books: don’t divorce, pray, and stay the course unless he is physically abusive or cheats (neither apply).
4. What are my other options? I don’t have a solid foundation in Catholic teachings yet… what other issues am I not considering?
5. This is embarrassing to ask… but I understand if we don’t want children we shouldn’t be having sex. I feel guilty because when we married I didn’t have a problem with this and feel I’m condemning him to celibacy if I am successful in working out the issues with him and he doesn’t divorce me.

I will talk to a priest about this too when I am able to (out of town next week,etc.) Any perspectives or suggestions would be greatly appreciated – these forums have been so helpful to me so far. I’m sincere about following the church’s teachings and I’m not looking for the easy way out… I just want to know what the ‘right’ thing to do.

Sorry if this post sounds cold towards the man – I love and respect my husband and consider him my best friend. However, I’m trying to separate myself emotionally from the issue so I can make the right decision.

 

[Greg27]

You will probably need to consult with your priest. Your marriage will be an issue if you choose to divorce and remarry, since in the Church’s view marriage is sacred and lifelong and must remain that way (even if you married before becoming a Catholic) and your access to the sacraments could be impeded unless you regularise your situation in accordance with church teaching and law.

 

[Catholic1954]

You should try everything within reason to salvage your marriage, however, if your husband refuses to reconcile and demands a divorce anyway there is little you can do to stop him, but you would still be considered married in the eyes of the Church. If you ever wanted to remarry in the Church, you would not be allowed to do so until your present marriage was annuled. Not being open to having children is a serious impediment to marriage, and that would also prevent you from being remarried in the Church. Twenty five is still rather young to resist having children. I NEVER wanted children, until my daugher came along when I was twenty threee and now I can’t believe I could have existed in a world without her. Maybe instead of marriage counseling, you should try and find out why you really don’t want to have a family? Talking to a priest is the best way to answer your specific questions about your situation. Talk, study, pray and keep an open mind to the teaching and wisdom of the Church; everything will work itself out according to God’s plan for you. Welcome Home!!