Advice on husbands wandering eyes

  • Thread starter Thread starter CaliSunshine
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
@OP:

If your husband only found you attractive, then his fidelity to you wouldn’t be nearly as special, because you would be his only choice. But since many are attractive to him, but he chooses fidelity, then you know it is because he loves you.

Physical beauty is a way for us to (imperfectly) understand the beauty of the human soul.
 
Anglewannabe said:
Actually, it seems to justify objectifying women. It just enraged me as a woman. Not a good video
Click to expand...
I can sympathize. I thought it was too lax. But I also thought it tried to get across how visual men are. It’s sometimes not something conscious when a man looks at a woman, and I think some women don’t see 😉 that.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I have never been married, so take this from where it is coming from

However, I do think it is not really a good idea to ask a man to elaborate on this subject. After, we are all tempted to sin (sexual and non-sexual sins) and it is not an easy subject for anyone to talk about. Add in a hurt wife and it becomes a mess

Unless your husband has done something to give you cause for concern, I don;t think you should bring it up again.

However, I must admit, I am curious as to why you were discussing ‘emotional cheating’. That is something women struggle with more than men. Was it just a casual converstaion? Or is there a bigger issue in your marriage?

Angie
Click to expand...
I would tend to agree with this. Unless his behaviour is cause for concern then there’s no need to worry.

At the end of the day, every person has their interior battles and temptations that are better off remaining interior, except for the confessional. If all spouses told their partners every little impure thought that popped into their heads for a microsecond then there probably would be fewer happy marriages.
The problem isn’t sudden impure thought’s, it’s dwelling on them.

Actually this thread reminds me of a joke.
Man in confessional: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I entertained some impure thoughts.
Priest: Ah yes, my son, but did they entertain you?

Funny as this may be, it actually does illustrate the sinful part of this, which is to actively engage the impure thoughts and allow oneself to be “entertained” by them.
 
Estevao said:
This Prager U course is a must see:

youtube.com/watch?v=dlZsGpWJmos
Click to expand...
This is a terrible video.
“Few men, even the most monogamously faithful and loving, have such willpower.”
Click to expand...
Well, of course they won’t if they watch a video that tells them it’s ok to oogle every woman they see and they can’t resist it because they’re men.

Willpower is practiced and mastered by a process of exercising it over time. If a man just accepts that he looks at women’s bodies and it’s all natural and ok, then he won’t ever have the willpower to resist larger temptations.

Also, this video actually puts too much emphasis on the visual for men if you ask me.
I mean, not every man sees an attractive woman and suddenly becomes all wide eyed and open mouthed.

Perhaps we should go back to practicing an old fashioned concept called “custody of the eyes.”
 
Irishmom2 said:
There should be the courtesy of not following an attractive person with your eyes **in front of your spouse. ** Also, no one needs to hear any comments out loud, "Woo! Will you look at that one! ":rolleyes:

I told my husband a long time ago, if he is looking, I better not notice. It is disrespectful to me, and it would kill the fairytale that I am the only woman in the world to him. 😉
Click to expand...
Excellent advice, Irishmom2. I have often felt extremely disrespected and hurt by my husband when he looks and then continues to stare beyond just a quick glance at other attractive women while he’s with me, so I definitely can feel the original poster’s anguish. In the past when I’ve mentioned to him how much it offends me as a wife, he just dismisses my feelings as purely ridiculous which hurts even more, unfortunately. I think it’s one thing to be human and look but totally another to continue to stare and disrespect your wife in so doing.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
Cali, I hope you don’t take this as beating up on you. I understand why your feelings were hurt…it’s just one of those things. I hope you guys move past it quickly.

But…I have to ask…is it REALLY that hard for you to grasp? Like, I know women tend to be less visually stimulated then men, but has it really never happened to you that you’ve been walking down the street, seen a guy you found attractive, and thought, “Wow, look at him…” I don’t mean followed him down the street drooling. I just mean a fleeting “bow chica wow wow” kind of thought.

I know this probably happens to men more than women, but I assumed women experienced it too.

I, for one, am under no illusions that my wife doesn’t find other men in the world attractive. Obviously, I trust her never to ACT on that attraction. But I’d be kidding myself if I thought she’d never noticed a guy in tight jeans or whatever.
Click to expand...
Every now and again, I’ll see a man and feel an attraction or just think, “Wow, he’s good looking!” But I love my husband and I’m not going to cheat on him. 🤷

I don’t think feelings of attraction to the opposite sex are exactly 100% controllable. As others have said, you can choose to fight the feeling and not dwell on it, but those fleeting feelings are not a choice.
 
Sometimes your spouse isn’t the best person to work out certain problems with. You may end up getting unnecessarily hurt because of your emotional attachment.
AdamPeter said:
Impure thoughts happen to everyone. However, there is a difference between getting a “fleeting thought” and then turning one’s attention elsewhere and dwelling on an impure thought.
Click to expand...
Exactly. Temptations come to us as thoughts. It is what we do with the temptation that matters. It is no sin to have the thought enter your mind. It is a sin to entertain it.
 
exnihilo said:
Sometimes your spouse isn’t the best person to work out certain problems with. You may end up getting unnecessarily hurt because of your emotional attachment.

Exactly. Temptations come to us as thoughts. It is what we do with the temptation that matters. It is no sin to have the thought enter your mind. It is a sin to entertain it.
Click to expand...
I confessed my wandering thoughts once, and the advice my pastor gave me: “next time, just thank God for his beautiful creation.” I find it’s helped me end any thoughts.
 
CaliSunshine said:
impure thoughts coming to his mind sometimes and how he actively needs to fight them.
Click to expand...
You don’t “fight” impure thoughts. You avoid them by living properly and move on. Just like I don’t “fight” the thought to rob a bank, I go out and work for a living.

If your husband has wandering eyes and frequent impure thoughts, I suspect his prayer life, faith life, and/or work life might be out of balance or lacking. He needs holy men in his life that he can talk to. All men need to explore and consider what the Church says about sexuality. I highly recommend:

Bought with a Price by Bishop Loverde

arlingtondiocese.org/documents/bought-with-a-price-anti-pornography-letter/
 
Dear Friends in Christ:

Jesus puts a high standard on all of his followers.

Matthew 5:28 (NABRE): “But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

It’s best not to ask what your spouse is thinking about. Instead, keep your thoughts clean. Frequent trips to confession are highly advisable.

God bless you all.
 
Anglewannabe said:
‘Bow chica wow wow’ quite cathy 🙂
Click to expand...
“Bow Chica wow wow” is a expression used when people are talking about others having sex. It is not a “Wow, that person is good looking” expression. If I look at a woman and said “Wow,shes hot. Bow chica wow wow” people would assume it means I am saying that I want to sleep with her. Not that I only think she is attractive. The sound kinda mimics the way music sounds in pornography. That is the point of the expression. Porn sounding music… Sex. Not attraction. No, I am not making any of this up.

The expression was used majorly incorrectly earlier in this thread.
 
Bonnie said:
We sure do & you never get too old to appreciate a good looking guy. Bow chica wow wow indeed! 😉

I’ll have to admit I check out good looking old cars, too, but I don’t think it’s quite the same thing. With the cars I’m nudging my husband & saying “look at that!” 😃
Click to expand...
See my above post, please 🙂
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
See my above post, please 🙂
Click to expand...
That may be true for where you live, but I’ve never heard it here. I suspect you’re trying to mess with innocent fun, making something that sounds funny into something dirty. Not nice. :tsktsk:
 
AdamPeter said:
This is a terrible video.

Well, of course they won’t if they watch a video that tells them it’s ok to oogle every woman they see and they can’t resist it because they’re men.

Willpower is practiced and mastered by a process of exercising it over time. If a man just accepts that he looks at women’s bodies and it’s all natural and ok, then he won’t ever have the willpower to resist larger temptations.

Also, this video actually puts too much emphasis on the visual for men if you ask me.
I mean, not every man sees an attractive woman and suddenly becomes all wide eyed and open mouthed.

Perhaps we should go back to practicing an old fashioned concept called “custody of the eyes.”
Click to expand...
Ditto.
 
Bonnie said:
That may be true for where you live, but I’ve never heard it here. I suspect you’re trying to mess with innocent fun, making something that sounds funny into something dirty. Not nice. :tsktsk:
Click to expand...
Nope, I was being dead serious. I don’t joke around like that. I was trying to help because if a innocent girl says “Look at that guy… Bow chica wow wow” people who know what that phrase really means are going to think shes is being dirty. I have been on this site for 5 years. Look at my post history and see if it seems like I am someone who is just trying to tell a dirty joke to a lady. I do not get down like that. I have more respect than that. I chose my screen name after a song by Mary wells not because I am some sick joker.
 
Bonnie said:
Don’t ask - don’t tell.

As long as he isn’t drooling or being otherwise obvious, it’s normal.
Click to expand...
AdamPeter said:
there is a difference between getting a “fleeting thought” and then turning one’s attention elsewhere and dwelling on an impure thought.
Click to expand...
For this case, and for the vast majority of men under 35 who grew up in the age of internet porn, I suspect it’s the latter. The stats from surveys of those men say so.
 
As others have said, it is the actions and choices we make that are important, not the temptations. We have control over the former, but not the latter.

I’ve always though that taking several seconds to scan a woman up and down is generally a conscious choice. 🤷 A quick, involuntary turn of the head is one thing, but a lingering look is quite another. Maybe it’s different for different people, though. 🤷 I just know what it would be for me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top