Advice on MIL

[Pianofish]

My husband and I have been married just over a year so I’m learning the ins and outs of dealing with in laws. So far things have been pretty good except that his mother drives me crazy. She loves us very much and I know that the things she does are out of love, but most of the time I feel she is trying to be more involved in our lives than she needs to be and when I feel she is intruding my initial reaction is anger. I do not want to hold resentment to a woman who raised such an incredible man, but when these things happen almost every time we spend time with her and even when we don’t see her, I have a very hard time appreciating her love. Here are a few of the things she does that I don’t react well to; I realize some of these things are not huge, which is why I’m asking for help. She does things like tells us she wants to stop by to see us, when really all she wants to do is use our bathroom so she doesn’t have to use a public restroom when she’s on a long car trip (we live about an hour away from her). She has even gone into the bathroom to use it while my husband was showering She has asked what we are doing about certain insurance policies we have. Each holiday or birthday she likes asking for pricey gifts such as ipads or other electronics. At family functions if we have to be somewhere early, she calls us to make sure we are up even when we tell her not to because we are adults and can get up on our own. If she sees us tagged in something on facebook she texts to ask where we are and what we are doing.

How do I overcome this? What can I do to stop being so angry? Does anyone have any practical advice on dealing with mothers in law? I think we may also need to set some boundaries with her because there isn’t any reason for her, or anyone else, to have to know so much about our lives. She is just the only one so far who tries to be so involved (my mother and FIL don’t do this). I’d like at least some privacy in our marriage. Any sound advice (or prayers!) is greatly appreciated.

 

[pensmama87]

As far as the visiting/fake visiting: “I’m sorry, but we already have plans for that day.” And put a lock on the bathroom door and use it (even if it’s just when she’s visiting). If she surprise visits, don’t let her in the door. “I’m sorry, we just can’t take unexpected guests.”

About life insurance/financial stuff: “That’s so thoughtful for you to be concerned. We are taking care of it.”

If she’s giving you a wake-up call on your cell, many of them have a setting now to be “asleep” during certain hours where calls do not ring, or for only certain numbers to go through. If you have a landline take it off the hook the night before knowing she’s likely to call in the morning. Unfriend her on Facebook or put her outside those privacy settings (lots of people have an “acquaintance” category and their FB friends are none the wiser that they don’t see everything.)

As far as gifts: If her requests are unsolicited, thank her for the suggestion, then get something within your budget. If you’re asking her what she wants and that’s what she says, then quit asking.

Most importantly, you and your husband should be on the same page with this stuff and if anything ever needs to be explicitly said to her about her behavior, it’s better coming from him. But really, while what you’ve described sounds like crazy to me, I don’t see the need for an intervention - yet. See what happens when you set up some privacy for yourselves and how she responds first.

“Well, this is how we are doing things” repeated calmly and firmly as needed can clear up a LOT of issues with intrusive (but still mostly well-meaning) relatives.

 

[EasterJoy]

The first thing you learn is that boundaries are best maintained by the adult child, not by the spouse. Always talk about them as “I (the adult child) decided” or “we decided,” rather than “your DIL/SIL wants me to tell you that.” (That is not iron-clad. If the spouse wants to deal with in-laws directly, it can work.)

The second thing to learn is that the first delineation of a boundary ought to be delivered kindly, as a communication. “You do this, that’s your business, but my boundary is this.” Do not get into some overarching dispute that supposes there is some universal principle about where a boundary ought to be. Don’t tell your parents they are rude or intrusive or whatever. Just tell them what your rules are for yourself and your household. That’s it. After that, let them think what they think about what all decent humankind ought to allow or forbid.

The third thing to realize is that it is human nature from the cradle to the grave to test whether or not other people’s boundaries are real boundaries or just parrot talk. This is particularly true when a boundary is new or is newly being enforced. It is also particularly true before the person or persons establishing the boundary haven’t established their authority to set boundaries and their capability to enforce them. In other words: Expect to be put to the test. Don’t take it personally. Do have a plan for every boundary you set concerning how you are going to police it and enforce it. Make a plan that allows the boundary to be defended with the minimum of drama, avoiding power struggles wherever possible.

The fourth thing, also just as true with children as with in-laws, is that it pays to pick your battles. On the bathroom thing, I’d choose to be hospitable enough to be a bathroom stop, but not so hospitable that I give anyone permission to enter a bathroom without knocking. If someone in my family couldn’t figure that out, then I’d have to check that everyone in the house had the door locked if they were in the bathroom before I answered the front door!

How do you stop being angry? Well, anger comes from having expectations violated. You’ll be less angry if you are realistic about what boundaries you can maintain and if you go to the trouble to establish the ones that are important to you. You’ll also be less angry if you expect that you are never going to have a life in which everyone else respects your boundaries without you ever lifting a finger to put up a fence or put locks on any gates. In this vale of tears, we humans are not that trustworthy. We will sin. Half of being merciful instead of angry is to see that sins against us will happen, and having a plan to deal with them in advance that does not involve getting our knickers in a twist nor getting too upset when others who get theirs in a twist.

 

[1990Domer]

Thank you for taking the time to come here and share your story, please know I will be praying for your intentions.

Did she do these things to her son before he married you? Did she call him and ask questions about insurance, or call to wake him up because of a family event? I am guessing “YES”. now she has to (hopefully gently) be told that certain behaviors need to change.

This dynamic is not unique to mother’s-in-law either by the way. I know of people that had friends, siblings, co-workers, and other relationships that they were in the habit of years of treating the person a certain way but then after marriage they had to adjust , calling late at night might be one example of a behavior that would change after marriage or texting someone often.

As EasterJoy noted though, your **HUSBAND **has to be the communicator here, not you. This is key. Also he has to approach his mother and speak for the two of you, and say “Mom please don’t call” not “Mom, my wife doesn’t want you to call” that would be awful yikes you see the difference? Your husband needs to speak for the two of you as a team and be as gentle as possible with his mother. Clearly she seems a bit nosey but you can ignore her frequent phone calls and texts easily enough. That will come over time, hopefully.

As for the bathroom visits, it seems she is squeamish or has a phobia about public bathrooms and is using your home as an excuse. You didn’t say if this happened once a week or once every six months so you will have to pick your battles and decide if this is worth going to war over or just let it go.

One thing for sure, please reassure your husband as much as possible. My mother-in-law was very difficult and not only did she make life difficult for my husband and me, but I believe I made it even worse. My poor husband had to sit and listen to me “vent” about her constantly, it took me years to realize that my venting was really hurting him. I learned that if I built my husband up, that when I encouraged him, that when I told him I loved him and thanked him for calling his mom and thanked him for talking to her and minimized how much I complained about her it made our marriage much better. Not sure if that is what you are doing or not, just don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. God bless.

Those who remember me as 90 Domer remembers my MIL stories. Monicad’s advice is spot on.

 

[1990Domer]

The first thing you learn is that boundaries are best maintained by the adult child, not by the spouse. Always talk about them as “I (the adult child) decided” or “we decided,” rather than “your DIL/SIL wants me to tell you that.” (That is not iron-clad. If the spouse wants to deal with in-laws directly, it can work.)

The second thing to learn is that the first delineation of a boundary ought to be delivered kindly, as a communication. “You do this, that’s your business, but my boundary is this.” Do not get into some overarching dispute that supposes there is some universal principle about where a boundary ought to be. Don’t tell your parents they are rude or intrusive or whatever. Just tell them what your rules are for yourself and your household. That’s it. After that, let them think what they think about what all decent humankind ought to allow or forbid.

The third thing to realize is that it is human nature from the cradle to the grave to test whether or not other people’s boundaries are real boundaries or just parrot talk. This is particularly true when a boundary is new or is newly being enforced. It is also particularly true before the person or persons establishing the boundary haven’t established their authority to set boundaries and their capability to enforce them. In other words: Expect to be put to the test. Don’t take it personally. Do have a plan for every boundary you set concerning how you are going to police it and enforce it. Make a plan that allows the boundary to be defended with the minimum of drama, avoiding power struggles wherever possible.

The fourth thing, also just as true with children as with in-laws, is that it pays to pick your battles. On the bathroom thing, I’d choose to be hospitable enough to be a bathroom stop, but not so hospitable that I give anyone permission to enter a bathroom without knocking. If someone in my family couldn’t figure that out, then I’d have to check that everyone in the house had the door locked if they were in the bathroom before I answered the front door!

How do you stop being angry? Well, anger comes from having expectations violated. You’ll be less angry if you are realistic about what boundaries you can maintain and if you go to the trouble to establish the ones that are important to you. You’ll also be less angry if you expect that you are never going to have a life in which everyone else respects your boundaries without you ever lifting a finger to put up a fence or put locks on any gates. In this vale of tears, we humans are not that trustworthy. We will sin. Half of being merciful instead of angry is to see that sins against us will happen, and having a plan to deal with them in advance that does not involve getting our knickers in a twist nor getting too upset when others who get theirs in a twist.

This is also very good advice. As EasterJoy said, anger comes from hurt. If you can remain calm, express what angered you, why it hurt you, and brainstorm together with your husband for a resolution.

 

[underacloud]

My husband and I have been married just over a year so I’m learning the ins and outs of dealing with in laws.

It’s very natural in the first year or so to need to adjust to having in-laws. Every family has different dynamics that are very hard to change and when someone marries into that it can be a shock.

I think EasterJoy and Monicad have given some very helpful advice for dealing with difficult in-laws, but I have to wonder whether the MIL here is being so very difficult anyway. Frankly, I don’t see any major red flags here and the sorts of annoyances in this thread pale in comparision compared to many MIL related theads on CAF.

Seriously, who cares if she’d prefer to use your bathroom than a public bathroom? Who cares if she makes gift suggestions? Most people appreciate suggestions, rather than playing guessing games. These are not things to get angry at.

Sure, every married couple needs to set their own boundaries, and your MIL’s behaviour could get worse over time and start to become a real problem, but for now I’d ask yourself questions about why you are getting so angry. Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like a reasonable reaction. So, apart from starting to implement the excellent suggestions of EasterJoy and Monicad, I’d be working through your own anger issues and exploring how you might be able to calm yourself down in these times. You are married now, and you’ll have these in-laws for life, and it will prove very difficult to change their ways greatly, so I’d suggest if you can learn to react differently you’ll set yourself up for the most harmonious married and family life possible.

 

[Lorelei12]

These things would bother me too, but it doesn’t sound like any of them are beyond your control yet- it just sounds like your husband hasn’t set any boundaries.

If you do not want her to visit without advanced notice, you can either not answer the phone or door when she calls, or have your husband tell her that you need to know in advance (and decide what “in advance” means) when she is planning on being in the area and wants to stop by. That’s just common courtesy- personally I think it’s rude to barge in on people without any notice. Some people though, don’t mind unannounced visitors and don’t seem to understand that other people do mind, so give your MIL the benefit of the doubt and have your husband let her know what you expect.

The bathroom thing…well that’s weird. Why didn’t your husband ask her to get out?

One thing you haven’t mentioned in your post is how your husband feels about all this or whether you’ve even talked to him about it. That’s your first step. Don’t expect him to know that these things bother you unless you tell him. Once he understands that his mother is being inappropriate, it’s up to you both to decide on boundaries and up to him to enforce them.