Advice on my nephew´s behavior

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todoeldiapulpin

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Hello.
Let me begin by saying that I´m a young man (19). I live with my parents, my brother, my sister (28) and her family.
I´m having problems with my nephew. He is a young kid (5), studious and playful. However, I´m getting tired of the things he does to me. When he gets angry at me, he hits me -say, he punches me, mostly-. He has also insulted me (“you´re an idiot”; I guess he has also called me imbecile, but I can´t remember very well) and kicked me. In these moments, he gets very violent towards me. As he is a very strong kid, and I am weak, it´s getting more and more difficult to hold him. I think he spat on me today. I was surgically operated in my head a few months ago, I think I have not fully recovered, and, despite asking him not to do it, he punched me in there repeatedly (mildly, though).
Moreover, he also finds it fun to touch my buttocks and my genitals, despite me telling (and even begging) him not to do it. This has caused me discomfort. He also likes to show me (and not only me) his genitals (we have told him not to). The worst thing that he does is spying me when I lock myself in my room. He laughs while I´m changing clothes (getting somehow naked before, of course), recounting what I´m doing to me.
I don´t know if some of the blame is on the kind of music he listens to (reggaeton; does it exist in America?). The lyrics are full of sexual references. Well, all his family listens to that genre. Part of the blame is also on me, for I have been a very troubled teen, and I have disrespected my parents and my sister and my nephew himself GREATLY many times (but I have never violented them in a sexual manner).
I am not my nephew´s father nor mother, so I don´t have the authority nor the responsability that they have over him. I can´t yell at him, nor punish him with no TV (or similar). But I can´t let this go on. If he does this now, I don´t want his behavior to get to more violent ways, be it verbally, physically or sexually. When I tell my sister or my parents, it seems they don´t take me seriously. Once my sister said to me that he didn´t do it with a sexual intention, it was I who took it that way, but the disrespect is still there. Besides, I´m his elder, I´m a figure of authority in his life, and he can´t do this to an authority.
Don´t think my nephew is a monster, he´s a great child with whom I spend time playing and having fun with. Having said that, do you have any piece of advice for me?
Don´t forget to pray for him, for me, for my family. Pray for an old lady, neighbor of mine, friend of my dad´s, who died on friday, too, please.
Thank you for your answers. Peace.
 
His behavior, as you described it, is not normal. It almost sounds as if he has been or is being sexually abused and his mother is turning a blind eye.

Unfortunately, your choices are limited.

  1. *]You could move out on your own.
    *]You could take hm in hand every single time and take him straight to his mother to deal with every single time.
    *] If there is more going on here, you could call CPS.
    *]If you feel you are being threatened or abused, you could call Adult Social Services in your area, pretty much the same number as CPS.

    I’m sorry I don’t have other options. Your nephew sounds troubled. I hope he and his parents are able to get the help they need.

    Peace,
    B
 
Greetings!

Bridgit_Andrew mentioned CPS; that stands for Child Protective Services. Bridgit gave good insights.

At 19 you are, in many Latin American countries, an adult. You could move out, but that is not our tradition. Is there another family member with whom you could live? Aunts, Uncles? It is not easy.

Does your nephew have other 5-year-old boys to play with and use up his energy? Would he go for a walk around the block (dar vuelta a la manzana) with you - and obey you? That could use up his energy a little.

If you are rough-housing (jugando de mano) with him, you might want to stop that.

Since your nephew is looking into your locked room, could you put a piece of masking tape or tape paper over the keyhole? If the child has access to your room when you are at University, you may have to keep a supply. You could also put a room dividing screen just inside your bedroom door - depending on the setup.

Growing up, two cousins used to harass me (prevent me from falling asleep for the siesta). My Mother saw it, in front of them told me to take the hammer (she was holding it) and break it on his (plural) head! When I told her I’d kill him, Mom said she’d be responsible. "! Remedio santo! (holy remedy). Never again was I bothered. Of course, this is not your situation.

One thing that works wonderfully with me for Spanish-speaking kids when they get out-of-hand is to whisper at them. They may scream, I whisper. They want to hear what am saying and stop screaming. Also, they know this is not the “normal” way for adults scream! It could scare the child into thinking you are really, really controlling yourself or you would. . . ! You might want to try that trick.

I have never had the troubles you are having, so . . . these ideas might not help.

Best of luck. I will keep the child in my prayers.

Luz Maria
 
Bridgit_Andrews said:
His behavior, as you described it, is not normal. It almost sounds as if he has been or is being sexually abused and his mother is turning a blind eye.

Unfortunately, your choices are limited.

  1. *]You could move out on your own.
    *]You could take hm in hand every single time and take him straight to his mother to deal with every single time.
    *] If there is more going on here, you could call CPS.
    *]If you feel you are being threatened or abused, you could call Adult Social Services in your area, pretty much the same number as CPS.

    I’m sorry I don’t have other options. Your nephew sounds troubled. I hope he and his parents are able to get the help they need.

    Peace,
    B
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  1. I’m sorry to say that my thoughts were similar when reading your post. Bridgit’s advice is excellent and I don’t really have anything to add. I will say that any kind of bad behaviour needs to be dealt with quickly, firmly and consistently. I hope all works out for you and your nephew, OP.

    Lou
 
There is something “up” with this child. I’d ask my sister why she believes this is typical behavior for a five-year-old. It is not. I don’t know if he resents the attention you get because you are post-op and he’s just doing whatever it takes to get attention or what it is, but you’re not describing behavior typical of a five-year-old.

You don’t mention his father. Could he be angry at an absent father who is more or less your age, and taking it out on you?

No, your nephew is not a “great child,” at least, he’s not acting like one. Right now, he’s a child you find amusing from time to time but who spends far too much of his time violating the boundaries of decent behavior. It is worrisome that he even wants to do these things and worrisome that his parents and grandparents aren’t worried about it. He is also not a two- or three-year-old. He’s getting to be school age! If he were to treat anyone else the way he treats you, they wouldn’t want to be around him. If he did the flashing thing in kindergarten or pre-school, they’d have to send him home. They might call CPS, certainly.

You certainly have the authority to let him know you don’t want to be around him because he refuses to show you the normal kindness that any human being ought to get, whether older than he is or younger. Draw that line and stick with it. He should not think that charming people who know how to show their friends a good time get to do whatever they want. There are certain things that no one gets to do, and you’ve described several of them.

Yes, you can stop him. Any adult who is–let’s face it–assaulted by a child whose parents will not step in can stop the child themselves. After all, if he were beating on his brother or calling his sister names, would you just stand by and refuse to step in? If your sister objects, you can tell him that you would stop her if she treated you that way and that you will certainly not take that kind of treatment from a five-year-old. Either she stops him or you will. Before you do that, however, I’d suggest you learn how to discipline a five-year-old. It is not done by yelling at him, for instance, nor through corporal punishment. You need to learn to discipline him in the way a kindergarten or pre-school teacher would, for instance.

If your family gangs up on you and prevents you from stopping him, you don’t have much choice but to move out, the same as you would if an adult in the household were feeling free to do all these things.

Yes, I would ask my sister to seriously think about when he started the sexual acting out and whether there has been anyone with the slightest chance of molesting him. The chances are that your diocese has educational materials and classes intended to help parents identify the signs of sexual abuse. Get her to sign up with you to take one of those.

Whether she accepts your offer or not, take one of those classes yourself. Those classes are intended not just to protect children from abuse but also to protect adults from false accusations. As the 19 year old uncle in the house, you are a prime candidate for false accusations by a child who is actually being abused by someone else. Learn how to keep yourself from any allegations of abuse. (For instance: Do not volunteer to spend time with him alone.)
 
Bridgit_Andrews said:
His behavior, as you described it, is not normal. It almost sounds as if he has been or is being sexually abused and his mother is turning a blind eye.
*]You could move out on your own.
*]You could take hm in hand every single time and take him straight to his mother to deal with every single time.
B
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Sexually abused? But who could be? He’s a very confident child, he hasn’t shown any signs of being, or having been, defiled.
I can’t move on my own, not now, I do not have enough resources to live on my own.
To Luz Maria: Yes, he has a lot of friends his age; he also plays with his cousins. Good idea about the rough housing. Whispering… but I don’t want to scare him, but maybe I’ll try it.
To Lou2U: Thank you for your prayers.
To EasterJoy: I forgot to mention his father. He lives with us, he gets along great with my sister and his children. I fear, indeed, that my nephew ends up watching pornography (as he has fun at spying on me). He gets along better with his parents, but sometimes he disrespect them, and my sister is very strict with him. He likes kindergarten. I could spend less time with him because of his disrespect, thanks for the idea. I will also research on kindergarten discipline. Moreover, I’ll see on those classes you described.
Peace.
 
todoeldiapulpin said:
Sexually abused? But who could be? He’s a very confident child, he hasn’t shown any signs of being, or having been, defiled.
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Denial is not just a river in Egypt, but the engine that has driven a world-wide crisis in regards to incest and sexual abuse. 😦

The sad truth is that sexual abuse is extremely common in a family context, and that young boys can easily react to it by exhibiting both sexualized and defiant behaviour.

Confidence is deceptive. Those who make the loudest noise are often crying for help.

I agree with all the posters who say that this possibility must be ruled out at the earliest.
 
As someone who has a lot of younger siblings and works with kids on a regular basis I don’t think his behaviour is that far outside the norm. A lot of kids this age (especially boys) have excess energy and need an outlet. You could always offer to take him to the park or do something sportsy with him. He’d probably be very happy with your attention.
Also, it’s not that unusual for kids to have no concept of personal space and give inappropriate touches. You should just explain to him that it’s not polite to do that.

Those who are going on about sexual abuse and so forth are jumping the gun I think.Are you seriously telling me that no child ever makes an inappropriate gesture or remark?
 
AdamPeter said:
Also, it’s not that unusual for kids to have no concept of personal space and give inappropriate touches. You should just explain to him that it’s not polite to do that.

Those who are going on about sexual abuse and so forth are jumping the gun I think.Are you seriously telling me that no child ever makes an inappropriate gesture or remark?
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Dear AdamPeter, I have no younger siblings, and he isn´t one. I have told him not to touch me in that manner, but he still does it. Telling him it´s not polite… I´ll try it.
The claims of sexual abuse seem far-fetched. Still, I´ll see on the classes EasterJoy described. Thanks
Peace.
 
You need professional assistance from a social worker who can evaluate your nephew and from whatever protective services your country offers for adults who cannot care for or defend themselves from abuse.

This is WAY beyond the competence of this forum or people posting here. There are so many problems here, both with what your nephew is doing-- at age 5 if he is doing these things yes something is SERIOUSLY wrong with him-- and with the fact that your entire family is standing by doing NOTHING and allowing him to physically assault you, a sick person who has recently had surgery.

This is really messed up. Please seek help from whatever social services are available in your country. Social worker, child protective service, police.

Something is VERY wrong in your family.
 
todoeldiapulpin said:
Sexually abused? But who could be?
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Any adult in your household. Any adult in his life at school, church, or recreation. Another child in his school or neighborhood. Any adult in your neighborhood. A stranger.

All are possible.
todoeldiapulpin said:
He’s a very confident child, he hasn’t shown any signs of being, or having been, defiled.
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I don’t think you know what the signs of sexual abuse are if you don’t think violent aggression, inappropriate sexual touching, voyeurism, exposing himself, and all of the other things you’ve listed aren’t “signs”.

If he is not being abused, then he is a violent, aggressive abuser who has sexual predatory behavior at age 5-- that is some sort of serious mental illness.
todoeldiapulpin said:
I can’t move on my own, not now, I do not have enough resources to live on my own.
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You need to seek professional help from a social worker.
 
todoeldiapulpin said:
Sexually abused? But who could be? He’s a very confident child, he hasn’t shown any signs of being, or having been, defiled.
I can’t move on my own, not now, I do not have enough resources to live on my own.
To Luz Maria: Yes, he has a lot of friends his age; he also plays with his cousins. Good idea about the rough housing. Whispering… but I don’t want to scare him, but maybe I’ll try it.
To Lou2U: Thank you for your prayers.
To EasterJoy: I forgot to mention his father. He lives with us, he gets along great with my sister and his children. I fear, indeed, that my nephew ends up watching pornography (as he has fun at spying on me). He gets along better with his parents, but sometimes he disrespect them, and my sister is very strict with him. He likes kindergarten. I could spend less time with him because of his disrespect, thanks for the idea. I will also research on kindergarten discipline. Moreover, I’ll see on those classes you described.
Peace.
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Having access to sexually explicit language through music at his age may be a form of sexual abuse.
 
It isn’t easy living with three generations under the same roof. That’s the plain and simple of it. I’ve done it; it is challenging. The little drama that was the Finding in the Temple happened in a family made up solely of the patron saint of fathers and the only two perfect people who ever lived. That ought to tell you that every family has something going on once in awhile.

As others have pointed out. exposing an innocent child to pornography or sexually explicit talk is obviously a form of sexual abuse and defilement, in that it robs them of their innocence and warps their view of sexuality by exposing them to things they’re not prepared for that aren’t appropriate for anyone of any age. At any rate, this kind of behavior doesn’t just come out of nowhere. Either he has been exposed to inappropriate sexual content or sexual experience OR he’s found in the course of typical boundary-testing that he gets a huge reaction out of the adults around him when he has done anything sexual in nature, or both.

I would suggest that you always correct him a calm and matter-of-fact “that’s rude; grown-up boys have good manners and don’t stare, we can’t have you doing that” rather than making it a big deal that he sees you unclothed or unclothes himself. In fact, the more matter-of-fact and come-come-it-is-time-to-grow-up you are about this, the better. You cannot let him get your goat or feel he has any power over you, but you especially do not want to lend any more glamour to sexual acting out than it already has in his mind. Also, do not allow him “mulligans,” where he always gets away with the first recent offense. He only gets a mulligan when he doesn’t know the rule. When he knows the rule, impose a consequence when he breaks it. Otherwise, the rule he’ll get into his head is not “this behavior is forbidden and brings consequences I don’t like” but rather “I can only get away with this once, and after that there is a consequence.”

Instead of putting him down in any way when you correct him, you need to communicate that his behavior is falling short of where a fine boy like him ought to be in his course of maturation. You want to preserve his desire to please you by being someone he can please, someone who does put value on him. Yes, you can express disappointment, rather than indignation. You can say, “You’re going to be in 1st grade soon. You can do better, and if you don’t, we aren’t going to be playing together later. People aren’t going to choose to play with you when you’re rude to them.” In other words: impose the natural consequences on rudeness that he is already learning at school comes when people choose rude actions. Don’t say “you’re a rude kid” but “that was a rude thing to do, and beneath what I expect of you, because I want you to be the best kid in the room, not one of the worst ones.” Make your consequences serious enough to be something he wants to avoid them, but light enough that you can impose them every time. (I’d also say, “always keep a more serious consequence in reserve that is worse than the one you impose at first” in case he decides to ramp it up rather than back down.)

Since he is in school, you can also ask him what happens when someone at school uses insults like “stupid” and “imbecile” or if the boys at school are allowed to flash themselves at the other students or hit other people. No, of course they’re not. If he were to flash his genitalia at someone at school, his parents would be called to come and take him home immediately. (Oh, but good heavens, do NOT tell *him *that, lest he decide to spice up a boring day by having Mom called down to get him out of school for the day!! :eek:)

It has been suggested you get professional advice, and that is a very good suggestion. You have limited means and perhaps you don’t want to go to the local child welfare officials. The school probably has a counselor or teacher who would be happy to help you with strategies to cope with your nephew’s acting out in an effective way. Teachers, after all, have to discipline children who aren’t theirs all day long. They’re really good at drawing boundaries on children whose parents failed to teach them manners without making it into a criticism of the parents. It’s falls under “well, your mom and dad have their rules, but these are my rules.” Teachers and school counselors are also trained to know when local child welfare officials with more training in child psychology need to be called in. Tell them the things you have told us. They may feel they need to call someone themselves. Be ready for that and defer to their judgment.

Dioceses around the world are establishing free classes for preventing sexual abuse and to train Catholics to spot and stop possible opportunities for sexual abuse. Essentially every parish in the US has something (offered without cost to the trainees) through their diocese. It is typical for every adult staff member or volunteer working at a Catholic church to be required to take these classes before working with children. If your local parish or parish school has none to offer, call your diocese and ask how you can get training of that sort. Those of us who have had that training see lots of red flags in this situation. Take that seriously. Do get real professional help, either by going to the boy’s teacher or by going to the local child welfare authorities. It ought to be the boy’s parents doing that, but they’re not acting on his behalf. That leaves the duty to other adults in the boy’s life who see the problem.
 
1ke said:
Any adult in your household. Any adult in his life at school, church, or recreation. Another child in his school or neighborhood. Any adult in your neighborhood. A stranger.

All are possible.

I don’t think you know what the signs of sexual abuse are if you don’t think violent aggression, inappropriate sexual touching, voyeurism, exposing himself, and all of the other things you’ve listed aren’t “signs”.

If he is not being abused, then he is a violent, aggressive abuser who has sexual predatory behavior at age 5-- that is some sort of serious mental illness.

You need to seek professional help from a social worker.
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The advantage of going to the boy’s school is that there may be things going on at the school. For instance, there may be a child at the school who has been sexually abused who is now acting out sexually around the other children, such as in the boys’ bathroom.

Children, even small children, do sexually abuse other children, too, whether as a form of bullying or as a way of acting out after their own sexual abuse. If the nephew is doing that or having that done to him that could be causing devastating and long-lasting harm.

If the school does nothing or sees nothing wrong with a kindergarten boy acting out repeatedly in this way, then the child welfare authorities ought to be called. The OP ought to see that as his duty, if the parents and grandparents who are aware of this behavior do nothing. One instance would be concerning enough, but repeated instances just have to be investigated. The things that could be causing this kind of behavior are too serious to ignore.
 
I am not sure of the mental problems your nephew has but I can tell you that with small children if they are doing something that is inappropriate you have to call them out immediately. Instead of “begging” him not to grab you, the appropriate response is to tell him in no uncertain terms, “do not touch me.” Say it firmly and look at him when you do.

Children need firm and established boundaries and those boundaries are made by telling him that he must not do this or that.

If he continues the behavior that’s when you bring him to his mother or father and tell them. He is their responsibility, not yours. His behavior must be addressed. He is only 5 years old, imagine how he will be when he is 10.

Also, if you are injured and he is damaging you, and no one will help you, it may be time to call social services for your own self to see what help is available so you can move out.

Prayers going up.
 
You mentioned that you are from Latin America.
With that the case,there may be some accepted cultural norms that you have to battle but you need to this so that you can be a good role model for your nephew.

Regarding the inappropriate sexual touching-providing that your nephew is not being sexually abused then it is very likely that he is learning this from the Regaetton music clips and perhaps other things that family are watching in the house.
I like Regaetton music too,but a lot of the music clips are very sexualised and some of the lyrics too are not appropriate for children at all and they shouldn’t be watching or be exposed to them.
Children are like sponges and they are “monkey see,monkey do”.
In other words,they will mimic what they are exposed too.
Adults (usually) have a filter when viewing things etc but children are still learning and they don’t have this filter and are impressionable.

Your sister is right in the sense that at this stage the little boys “grabbing” genitals etc does not have a sexual meaning to him,BUT that doesn’t mean they won’t in the future as he grows older.
At his age now,in his mind, doing these things is just funny,outrageous or cheeky,but remember,he is being socialised so the outcome can result that as he matures/grows older he comes to perceive that over sexualised behaviour is just “completely normal”.
Of course that doesn’t necessarily mean that he will become a rapist or anything like that,but it will influence his perception of women and how women should be treated because this was “normalised” to him as a child through the “non chalant” watching of video clips that paint women in a certain way.

To be honest,I don’t think the problem really is about the child but is about your sister and her husband.
They should at least commit to not having music videos of an over sexualised nature on when your nephew is present and they could perhaps turn the clips off but leave just the music sound (providing the lyrics aren’t explicit).
Any clips that feature girls shaking their bums in bikini’s,gyrating,twerking or being touched etc should definitely not be on around children.

Do you know if any pornography is viewed in the house or whether your nephew could have seen something?
Do you know if your sisters husband views pornography at all?
If he does,and thinks this is normal,then that may be an even bigger reason why you are needed to be a positive role model in your nephews life.

You mentioned that your sister is strict with your nephew,but does she teach him about treating people with kindness and consideration?
Does she say anything to him when he hits or “pesters” you when you were recovering from the operation?
What does she say to him when he punches you?

Does he act in any of the ways with your mum or dad?
What did they say about him hitting you?

For yourself,when the little boy grabs you or spies on you getting dressed tell him/education him in a kind but straight tone “that we don’t do that to other people because these are private areas” but don’t overreact or seem too bothered or have too much emotion because if you over react then it will possible become even more “taboo” or naughty for him and he will want to do it even more.
 
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