Advice on participating in non-Catholic wedding of my nominally Catholic brother

[PaulGH]

I am sure that this question has been asked many times in various forms here, but I would appreciate advice on my exact situation. Here are the relevant facts:

• My brother is getting married soon, with the wedding to take place in a Baptist church.
• My brother is nominally Catholic. He was raised Catholic, including receiving Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist, and Reconciliation. But he no longer attends church regularly, though he does attend sometimes. He does consider himself to be Catholic.
• My brother’s fiancee is Baptist, and as stated above, the wedding will take place in a Baptist church.
• My brother and his fiancee have been cohabiting for two or three years, and they have a son together. (I talked with my brother before the cohabitation started, and laid out the case against cohabitation.)
• I have informed my brother multiple times over the past two years of his obligation to be married in the Catholic Church in order for his marriage to be valid, or at least to go through the Catholic marriage preparation and receive a dispensation to be married in a Protestant church. I have even spoken to his parish priest on his behalf, and given the priest’s contact information to my brother. My brother has expressed an intention to go through these steps, but to my knowledge he still has not done so.
• I have been asked to be a groomsman in the wedding. I may also be asked to do a Scripture reading during the wedding ceremony, and possibly also to make a toast during the wedding reception.
• To add an extra wrinkle, my brother and his fiancee are already legally married. They went to a justice of the peace and had a small civil ceremony a few weeks ago, so that she could go ahead and be covered on his health insurance. (She has a serious health issue that needed immediate attention.) However, they are going ahead with the Baptist church wedding, and only a few close family members know about the civil ceremony. (Plus now all of you know, but you don’t know who he is, so no harm done hopefully.)

So, it appears that their marriage will not be valid, because my brother is obligated by canon law to be married in the Catholic Church, or to get a dispensation from form in order to be married validly in a Protestant church – and to my knowledge he has not obtained this dispensation. Here are my questions for you:

1. • Should I refuse to be a groomsman, based on the fact that the wedding will presumably not be valid?
   • Should I refuse to do a Scripture reading during the ceremony?
   • Should I refuse to make a toast (if asked or expected) at the reception?
   • Should I perhaps even refuse to attend the wedding at all?
   Until recently, I have held out hope that my brother would go through the steps to get the dispensation from form, but it appears now very unlikely that that will happen. Here are the conclusions that I have come to on the above questions, but I do want to hear what others think. (I will also be talking to my pastor about this very soon.)
   
   1. • I do plan to be a groomsman. I just don’t want to drive a wedge between me and my brother (and his fiancee) by refusing to participate. I want to keep a good relationship with him, primarily because he is my brother and I love him. Also, this will keep me in a position to continue to recommend convalidation to him (not that he has listened to my recommendations up til now though…). Also, there is already a huge amount of conflict between my brother and his fiancee on the one side, and my parents and my sister on the other side (about issues unrelated to where they get married). I feel like my wife and I are the only ones in the family who still have a good relationship with my brother and his fiancee, and because of that I think it would hurt them especially deeply if I refused to participate in the wedding.
      • I am leaning toward asking them to find someone else to do the Scripture reading. It seems to me that I can look at being a groomsman as an act of solidarity with my brother, even if I don’t agree with his choices – saying by my actions “I will stand with you because you are my brother, even if I think you are going about this the wrong way.” But doing the Scripture reading involves me more deeply in the wedding ceremony itself, so I am leaning toward not doing it. I am still undecided on this, but that is the direction I am leaning.
      • I am not sure how I can do the toast, mainly because what can I say without lying? It would be hard to make a good toast without being dishonest, since I don’t think that their marriage will be valid.
      • This one is answered by #1 above.
      This has really been a tough decision process for me, and as I say, I also plan to talk with my pastor about it soon. Any advice here would be appreciated.

 

[Warandpeace]

Have you spoken to him about this? He can get a dispensation to have a valid marriage in a baptist church. Otherwise, you cannot be advised to attend the actual wedding.

 

[PietroPaolo]

I am sure that this question has been asked many times in various forms here, but I would appreciate advice on my exact situation. Here are the relevant facts…

Have you spoken with your brother about this? I assume you must have a close relationship for him to ask you to be in his wedding party. Perhaps you could sit down with him over a beer and explain the situation he is putting you (and more importantly himself) in. I’m sure he would respect your deeply held religious beliefs and either get the dispensation or not ask you to do anything to contradict your faith. I can’t imagine someone getting angry with a Muslim for not drinking the wedding toast (they are forbidden from drinking alcohol) or a Jewish man for not eating the main course if it was pork, or… you get the idea. Many times Catholics are afraid to just sit down and speak with their relative and let them know the situation from your P.O.V.

As to whether or not you should attend, you’ll get different answers here from different people (and even from different priests). Basically, It isn’t sinful to attend. The Church does not forbid us from attending. But, if the wedding is invalid your brother will not be actually married at the end of the ceremony (his marriage will be a legal fiction) so what are you really attending? Worse than that is the perpetual situation of having your brother and his non-wife acting like they are married when they are not (living in sin, expecting you to address them as if married, etc.) Thus the problem runs much deeper than deciding whether or not you should give a reading. It’s a tough situation, you really need to speak to your priest.

If you don’t attend the wedding or read the reading, etc, I would remind you to do so in a way that doesn’t come across as high and mighty and make sure you let him know you’ll still stand by him as a brother even if you disagree with what he is doing.

God bless.

 

[Catholic1954]

Speak to your priest as soon as possible, but if your brother still considers himself to be Catholic and is getting married outside of the Church without permission, you probably should skip the wedding entirely. Giving the toast at the reception would be fine, however, there might be some issues with you missing the wedding but showing up for the reception. What do your other Catholic relatives have to say about this?

 

[PaulGH]

Have you spoken to him about this? He can get a dispensation to have a valid marriage in a baptist church. Otherwise, you cannot be advised to attend the actual wedding.

Yes, I have spoken to him about it multiple times. He knows that he can get a dispensation if he talks to the priest and goes through the required marriage preparation program at his local parish. I don’t know why he has not pursued that route. Possibly his fiancee does not want to, but more likely it is simply not important enough to him for him to take the initiative to do it.

 

[PaulGH]

Have you spoken with your brother about this? I assume you must have a close relationship for him to ask you to be in his wedding party. Perhaps you could sit down with him over a beer and explain the situation he is putting you (and more importantly himself) in. I’m sure he would respect your deeply held religious beliefs and either get the dispensation or not ask you to do anything to contradict your faith. I can’t imagine someone getting angry with a Muslim for not drinking the wedding toast (they are forbidden from drinking alcohol) or a Jewish man for not eating the main course if it was pork, or… you get the idea. Many times Catholics are afraid to just sit down and speak with their relative and let them know the situation from your P.O.V.

As to whether or not you should attend, you’ll get different answers here from different people (and even from different priests). Basically, It isn’t sinful to attend. The Church does not forbid us from attending. But, if the wedding is invalid your brother will not be actually married at the end of the ceremony (his marriage will be a legal fiction) so what are you really attending? Worse than that is the perpetual situation of having your brother and his non-wife acting like they are married when they are not (living in sin, expecting you to address them as if married, etc.) Thus the problem runs much deeper than deciding whether or not you should give a reading. It’s a tough situation, you really need to speak to your priest.

If you don’t attend the wedding or read the reading, etc, I would remind you to do so in a way that doesn’t come across as high and mighty and make sure you let him know you’ll still stand by him as a brother even if you disagree with what he is doing.

God bless.

I have already spoken with him multiple times. At this point, I don’t see any point in speaking to him about the situation again. At this point, he has made his decision (not to go through the Catholic marriage preparation and not to seek the dispensation), and I have to make my decisions accordingly.

I also agree that the issues go beyond just the wedding itself.

Thank you for your very reasonable and level-headed advice. I do appreciate it.

 

[PaulGH]

Speak to your priest as soon as possible, but if your brother still considers himself to be Catholic and is getting married outside of the Church without permission, you probably should skip the wedding entirely. Giving the toast at the reception would be fine, however, there might be some issues with you missing the wedding but showing up for the reception. What do your other Catholic relatives have to say about this?

My only Catholic relatives who attend Mass regularly and who I know for sure are attending the wedding are my parents, and I just don’t think that the non-Catholic wedding is an issue for them. The much bigger issue for them is that they are not entirely happy with who he is marrying, unfortunately.

 

[bobbyhillisabro]

You need to make sure he know that his marriage will be invalid, putting him in a perpetual state of mortal sin, and he will be committing fornication. I would not advise you to be a groomsman because it would be endorsing an invalid marriage, giving the impression that it is ok. Do your best work to get him to have a Catholic wedding.

 

[PaulGH]

You need to make sure he know that his marriage will be invalid

I have told him this multiple times, over a period of about two years, with the most recent time being about a month or two ago. He definitely knows this.

Do your best work to get him to have a Catholic wedding.

I already have, but I can’t force him to do something that he doesn’t want to do.

 

[acadiANNA]

Gee, I hate to see families divided at a joyous celebration of a wedding. Doesn’t sound like it’s a good start. I can understand how you feel. My first thought when my son married was that I was not going to go because they were being married by a non-denominational church minister. I am glad I dismissed the thought and went. It was for my son. I didn’t like the idea at all and I didn’t like the ceremony. But for him, I put all feelings aside. His wife has made him a happy home. I still pray every day that they will come back to the Catholic Church. You have said that you spoke to your brother about this. I can only see, that since it is his wedding, that he and the bride have the right to do it their way. Wishing it were different is not going to change it. If you are not comfortable doing a reading and giving a toast, I would just tell your brother that. You are very devout and strong in your Catholic beliefs and want to remain faithful to that. Your brother will need to understand that. He should not fault you for feeling that way. You just have to respect each other’s differences. I will pray for peace and a resolution to blending these two families.

 

[Marysann]

I hope that this does not sound uncharitable, but maybe your parents do not appear to be more upset about your brother marrying outside of the Church because they don’t think that the marriage will last, and when it fails he will not need to pursue an annulment. I have heard parents say that. Unfortunately, the parents were right.

 

[Lancer]

Participate…No.
Attendance…**prudential judgment **.

My experience…it doesn’t help to attend…your “happy face…joyful demeanor” at the ceremony and reception…becomes morphed into you “participating” and “approving” your brother’s decision…you will be congratulating, hugging and kissing…that’s all that he needs…he will never discuss/argue/fight over it again if you attend…he gets what he wants “your approval and validation” of him violating his Catholic Faith and your “best wishes” as he continues life in grave sin…and the substance and seriousness of what you want to communicate and witness to him as a loving brother and family member…and as a faithful Catholic is lost.

Better, IMHO, thing to do for him:-- prayer…fasting…almsgiving…on his “big day”…remember…its not a marriage…so you are not missing a Mystery of God’s Work. If you don’t participate and don’t attend, he may be darn mad…but you won’t have to look for him to discuss it…he will come to you and bring it up…he will often be thinking about you not being there…in anger for the most part…but if he is thinking about it/you and is mostly angry/irritated to some degree…the Holy Spirit now has a mind…his mind…that is active on the Marriage issue…and can work his powers for conversion…in answer to your prayers for your brother. Attend.-- Mind closed…Case Closed (in human terms)…IMHO.

For your consideration…an experts words below…recommend reading article at link.
Pax Christi

Church Weddings: Obligation to Faith or Family?
by Fr. William Saunders

catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=6610

[excerpt]
This brings us to another point. So what then is a good, practicing Catholic relative actually witnessing when he attends the marriage ceremony of a practicing Catholic outside of the Catholic Church? Whatever one wants to call it, it is not a marriage in the eyes of God and the Church. Most importantly keep in mind that when a person attends a wedding, he is not simply attending but participating in that wedding: He is witnessing the exchange of vows, asking God to bless the union, and rejoicing with the whole Church for this “new creation” of husband and wife. Therefore** to participate in a ceremony which is invalid in the eyes of the Church and which places the couple in a state of mortal sin is wrong. Such witness gives tacit approval of sin, violates one’s own good conscience, gives scandal to others and may lead astray those who are weak in faith**. Think of the message such an action gives to young people present at such a wedding who see the approval of grandparents and other relatives who are respected and trusted.

Some relatives** fear alienating the relative getting married invalidly, and so they attend the wedding. The rationale here is that by attending the wedding, they hope to persuade the couple to have it later “validated” in the Church.** The tragedy here is that the couple is entering into a state of mortal sin and depriving themselves of holy Communion. If by chance this couple died and were deprived eternal salvation, what then would the relatives think and how liable would they be for their complicity? This language might sound stern or old fashioned, but it is Gospel reality.

Fr. Saunders is pastor of Our Lady of Hope Parish in Potomac Falls and a professor of catechetics and theology at Christendom’s Notre Dame Graduate School in Alexandria.

 

[PietroPaolo]

Gee, I hate to see families divided at a joyous celebration of a wedding. Doesn’t sound like it’s a good start. I can understand how you feel. My first thought when my son married was that I was not going to go because they were being married by a non-denominational church minister. I am glad I dismissed the thought and went. It was for my son. I didn’t like the idea at all and I didn’t like the ceremony. But for him, I put all feelings aside. ** His wife has made him a happy home**. I still pray every day that they will come back to the Catholic Church. You have said that you spoke to your brother about this. I can only see, that since it is his wedding, that he and the bride have the right to do it their way. Wishing it were different is not going to change it. If you are not comfortable doing a reading and giving a toast, I would just tell your brother that. You are very devout and strong in your Catholic beliefs and want to remain faithful to that. Your brother will need to understand that. He should not fault you for feeling that way. You just have to respect each other’s differences. I will pray for peace and a resolution to blending these two families.

Not to be a nitpicker, but if the marriage is invalid (as it is in the case of the OP’s brother) then the woman is not a wife, nor a bride - that is what a marriage being invalid means (i.e. the couple isn’t really married at all, its a legal fiction). Your son’s case might be different, but the OP is in a very tough spot, not just for one night, but for the duration of the “marriage.” I speak from personal experience, my marriage was invalid for 5 yrs and my sisters is to this day.

 

[LoveEveryone]

From this site

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=420351

While there may be just reason to attend a particular wedding that will be presumptively-invalid,** I cannot recommend participating as a member of the wedding party in such weddings**. There is a difference between attending as a non-participating observer and actively involving yourself in the wedding as an honor attendant.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Could you take your Brother to visit your Local Priest at all?

In the meantime I am including my Brother and his Family in The Holy Rosaries for he and his Wife and Children to open up their Hearts to Jesus and Our Lady Mary to pray and come closer to God; returning to his Catholic Faith and Church. It is my Dad’s wish for this to happen with my Brother too! Jesus and Our Holy Mother have just reminded me through you to pray again for this, as it has been a few months since asking this particular request.

Praise and thanks be to Thee Dear Jesus Christ our Saviour and Dear our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus now and for Eternity Dear Lord.

 

[PaulGH]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Could you take your Brother to visit your Local Priest at all?

Thank you for the suggestion, but my brother does not live very close to me, so this would be difficult. I have already talked to a priest at my brother’s local parish on his behalf, and I have given the priest’s contact information to my brother on multiple occasions. As I have said to others, I think that the time for trying to convince my brother to take the proper steps to have a Catholic wedding is past. I have already done what I can do on that front.