Advice on secret baptisms of children

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hello all

my husband is a non-practising catholic and I am Greek Orthodox. Before the wedding my husband was adamant we had to get married in his church as in his tightly-knit community of catholics ‘the man’, the ‘family leader’ should always be the one to determine the church. I thought this was a very old-fashioned opinion to hold and I could not accept it. We stuck with each other and after quite a lot of discussion we got married with 2 ceremonies one in a Catholic Church followed straight after by the Orthodox Church. We discussed that something similar would happen with the children in a very low-key ceremony. Anyway once our first child was born he changed his mind and said unless our son was baptised catholic he would not consent for any baptism at all, despite the fact I tried to talk to him and explain how uncomfortable and against this I was. He even threaten me with divorce when baby was only a few days old, over this very issue. He said alternatively our child could decide what religion to be when he is older, but I disagreed with this and saw it as leaving a problem unsolved. This put a real strain on our marriage which had deleterious effects on us and the baby so after a while we stopped discussing it.

I then went ahead and baptised my baby son christian orthodox in secrecy without telling my husband. I am not proud of what I did but felt I did the right thing for my son. Since then I had really beaten myself up about this on a daily basis, as my actions of course are not sitting right in my mind. We had 2 more children and I did the same for the other two in fear that if my husband found out he would stop me from having them baptised and also as I was afraid that he would leave me. The time has come to now tell him all the truth and wonder if someone has any advice on how to approach this long-standing unsolved problem with him? The children are 7, 4 and 1 years old. I have no issues with his religious denomination, just the way he handled the whole thing felt very mean especially as he only declared his preference for no baptism unless catholic, after the first baby was born.

thanks for your help
 
Hooboy. Prepare for him to be really, really mad at your betrayal of trust.

Are you sorry for what you’ve done? Would you not have done it if you could go back in time? If so, you should tell your husband this, ask forgiveness, and agree that you will never go behind his back again in such a manner.

If you are not regretful, then I think you need to tell him this, too. You’ve made it clear that you won’t follow his lead, and he needs to know that rather than be confronted with more lies.

I don’t know how your husband will react, but I don’t think there’s any way to get through this without a difficult conversation. You and he seem to have some very different ideas about what it means to be in a marriage, and if your marriage is to survive you need to get on the same page, now.
 
I would talk with his Catholic pastor, without him there and share everything you have told us. He seems very unknowledgeable about the Orthodox whom the Catholic Church regards as true Churches with apostolic succession and valid sacraments.

As Orthodox your children have received all three sacraments if initiation- baptism, confirmation, and Eucharist. They are fully members of the Church and should be receiving the sacraments and attending Divine Liturgy.

If they ever wanted to become Catholics all they do is make a profession of faith— they don’t go to RCIA, etc. they are fully initiated.

The Orthodox do not allow intercommunion so they should not be receiving at the Catholic Church without your Orthodox priest’s knowledge and approval.

They should be in religion classes at the Orthodox Church.

You did the right thing in baptizing them, that is both his obligation and your obligation.

After talking with his pastor alone, make an appointment for the two of you. He is in the wrong in many respects and his pastor needs to tell him that.

His man of the house routine is complete cr*p. And he’s non practicing to boot? What a hypocrite. I have no respect at all for your husband, who sounds like a controlling jerk.
 
To be honest. The fact that you secretly baptised them would p me off.
I’d be raging. Especially since it’s his duty as a Catholic to raise the kids Catholic.
 
I believe that I did the right thing towards my children. No point talking to my husband’s pastor as I know he believes the men should determine the religion where as the women should follow their husbands’ wishes, ie no issue if a catholic woman baptised her children orthodox if her husband is orthodox. My husband is a Maronite Catholic so perhaps slightly different. The whole idea of just doing as I am told because I am the woman goes against all my beliefs and education as well as makes a bad example for my children, especially my daughter.
 
christian.orthodox.g said:
My husband is a Maronite Catholic so perhaps slightly different
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That certainly impacted cultural issues as well as religious.

Also you spoke of trying to baptize the children both Catholic and Orthodox- you know that’s not possible, right? Baptized is baptized.
 
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Yeah. I don’t think it’s a good attitude toward women. Though does it really matter if your denomination is in communion with Rome?
 
It should if you are a Catholic.

But the OP is not a Catholic. She has no obligation to the CC. But certainly does to baptize her children.

A non practicing Catholic making demands of his practicing Orthodox wife is the worst hypocrisy imaginable— this is a control issue and a save-face-in-front-of-family issue, not a religious one. He doesn’t even care if his children are baptized.

He sounds like an immature, insecure, bully.
 
I missed the nonpracticing part. Apologies. Though is the OP not in a religion similar enough to Catholicism?
 
I guess I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal. If they’re baptised in the correct manner. Father, Son, Holy Spirit…
I wouldn’t tell him at all now.
 
I decided to tell him as this has put an enormous strain on me for many years now and i need to put a stop to this. My church is not in communion with Rome. It is similar to CC but not the same. It is very much a saving face in front of family issue 1ke you are spot-on…
 
No.

The CC recognizes the OC sacraments. Not the other way around.

It’s much more complex than than that.
 
Wouldn’t you agree that systematic deception is also a poor example for your children? I think you know this, or else you wouldn’t post about it. When you have this difficult conversation with your husband, it will go best if you don’t try to justify yourself or dwell on his failings.

AdamPeter, her husband is going to have to know about the kids’ baptism when they take up whatever obligations are necessary to Orthodox practice.
 
I get that. But if they were already baptised in the Catholic Church then it doesn’t matter if the OP secretly baptised them. Or it shouldn’t matter since you can.only be validl baptised once.
 
They were NOT baptized in the Catholic Church.

They were baptized in the Orthodox Church—. These children are Orthodox.
 
Im shocked that the Orthodox priest would baptize the children without permission of both parents unless the child were in danger of death.
 
For some reason I assumed they had been baptised Catholic first. In any case…it’s a valid baptism. Though probably not the best thing for your marriage to make these decisions behind your husband’s back.

And yeah…I’m surprised any priest went along with this.
 
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