Advice on What to Do

[jenwha]

I find myself in a unique situation and am seeking advice. A few years ago I started fostering dogs for a rescue organization in my town. My husband and I got to be pretty close friends with the guy who ran the rescue, and somewhat with his wife. We fostered a lot of beautiful dogs until they got homes through his rescue.

This man has done a great deal of good in this community. He and his wife took in five sibling foster children and then adopted them all to keep them together. He took in, cared for and saved countless cats, dogs, horses, goats, and other farm animals. He also ran a temporary home and shelter for troubled youth.

He was however, arrested last year due to allegations of sexual abuse with the boys he had in said shelter. I was shocked and thought none of this was true, but he was convicted of eight counts of sexual abuse in October and this month was sentenced to 10-15 years in state prison. He arrived in prison on Tuesday.

At first I was completely convinced of his innocence, now I am not. The whole situation makes me very sad for his children, his wife, his animal rescue that no longer exists, and for the choices he made.

Basically I still care for him and see him as a man who while doing a lot of good, also has sinned greatly, and all I want for him is to admit his guilt, and get right with God again. We’ve eaten dinners with them, have spent time with them, bought them Christmas gifts, donated to his causes, supported his efforts at city council meetings, etc.

There are so few true heroes in the world and I am very disappointed to understand he is probably not the man I thought he was.

I want to write to him in prison, or possibly put money on his commissary, but would this be morally wrong to do? He kind of sideways halfway admitted his guilt in a very roundabout way at the sentencing, but he has always before that denied any wrongdoing whatsoever to me and all who know him. I want to support him and let him know I still care about him and that God still loves him, but if he is steadfast in refusing to accept or admit what he did would this be wrong to do?

I’m just very sad at the whole situation and kind of confused.

Thanks.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

One of the corporal works of mercy is to visit those in prison.

It doesn’t take away his guilt or remove the evil he has done. It simply recognizes that he is still our brother in Christ.

Perhaps you would feel better if, in addition to writing to him, you made a donation to a charity that helps abused children.

 

[agnes_therese]

Visiting or writing would certainly be OK. I really wouldn’t put any money into his commissary account, though.

 

[1ke]

Why do you think it would be wrong?

 

[Catholic1954]

I find myself in a unique situation and am seeking advice. A few years ago I started fostering dogs for a rescue organization in my town. My husband and I got to be pretty close friends with the guy who ran the rescue, and somewhat with his wife. We fostered a lot of beautiful dogs until they got homes through his rescue.

This man has done a great deal of good in this community. He and his wife took in five sibling foster children and then adopted them all to keep them together. He took in, cared for and saved countless cats, dogs, horses, goats, and other farm animals. He also ran a temporary home and shelter for troubled youth.

He was however, arrested last year due to allegations of sexual abuse with the boys he had in said shelter. I was shocked and thought none of this was true, but he was convicted of eight counts of sexual abuse in October and this month was sentenced to 10-15 years in state prison. He arrived in prison on Tuesday.

At first I was completely convinced of his innocence, now I am not. The whole situation makes me very sad for his children, his wife, his animal rescue that no longer exists, and for the choices he made.

Basically I still care for him and see him as a man who while doing a lot of good, also has sinned greatly, and all I want for him is to admit his guilt, and get right with God again. We’ve eaten dinners with them, have spent time with them, bought them Christmas gifts, donated to his causes, supported his efforts at city council meetings, etc.

There are so few true heroes in the world and I am very disappointed to understand he is probably not the man I thought he was.

I want to write to him in prison, or possibly put money on his commissary, but would this be morally wrong to do? He kind of sideways halfway admitted his guilt in a very roundabout way at the sentencing, but he has always before that denied any wrongdoing whatsoever to me and all who know him. I want to support him and let him know I still care about him and that God still loves him, but if he is steadfast in refusing to accept or admit what he did would this be wrong to do?

I’m just very sad at the whole situation and kind of confused.

Thanks.

You should keep in touch with him (and his wife who needs the support even more). Is he still in your area? If he is, you can look into prision ministery at your diocese and see if you can visit him with spiritual help.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What a sad situation indeed. If it were me, I would grieve the loss of the relationship, but I would not contact him in person. I might continue to see his wife, depending on her involvement (I would hope she was not involved, but it does happen - at least the coverup or denial of the abuse). If my husband wanted to pay him visits in prison, I might encourage that. But not alone, as part of a prison ministry.

I would not put money in his commissary account. You are then contributing to the prison economy, which is not a good thing to contribute to.

If it were me, I’d contribute to the victims’ legal fund or a scholarship for them.

Sickening.

 

[Francie3]

Consider his victims before you consider him.
You seem more concerned about him still, than you are about them .
You are still emotionally caught up in who you thought he was.
That was illusory. He was a predator of children whom he may have scarred for life.
He betrayed his wife and innocent children who already were vulnerable.

I wouldn’t contact him as to do so could make him feel his betrayal of innocents was viewed as okay by you.
It is up to his wife to decide whether she will visit and contact him.

Put your energy into support for abused innocents, and also for animals at risk.

He has relied on people’s impressed and admiring view of him as a cover to callously abuse and betray children.

If with financial and emotional support, you affirm him that this ‘cover’ he used, does supersede his crimes and still has power over others, his ability to face the seriousness of his crimes, and repent and reform will be lessened, not increased.

He will have access to psychologists and others who can help him reform,
and also the just consequence for his crimes…a prison sentence with all that entails to help him realize how wrong were his furtive and evil actions.

There is mercy in praying for his repentance and reformation, and for his eternal soul.

I’m sorry for your sadness and disillusionment, even more for that of his family…but it’s wise to remember that no one should be viewed on a pedestal, we are all fallible human beings.