Advice Please - 4 Year Old Marriage

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armando148

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Hello All, I write this in the hopes of getting some advice on my 4 year old marriage, given I am catholic as well as my spouse I would like some feedback on the below, I haven’t been a good person throughout this marriage and I understand that I have done some horrible things which I take full responsibility for, my actions were mine and mine alone.

My wife and I married about 4 years ago, I was born in Mexico and have lived here in the U.S since the second grade, my wife moved here to the U.S from Mexico in order to be with me, we are both from the same state in Mexico and had a long distance relationship prior to getting married. I think when we both got married at the age of 24 for me and 23 for her we were both very immature, my wife probably more so but that’s just my opinion. I am college educated and have a good job and have always provided for the family we have a 2.5 year old son and another child on the way, both have been unplanned if you will. I was raised in in a mostly ok marriage between my mom and dad, my dad was bit on the controlling side, seems to be the norm on the Mexico side for hispanic relationships of their generation. My wife was raised by her grandmother for most of her life as her father left her mother and her mother left her in order to work in another city. I didn’t consider this fact prior to getting married, I was very naive on this point as it never entered my mind what this means/does to a person.

Fast forward and we are married and everything is ok for the most part except when we are around my family, my wife would make alot of demands and would become very controlling when around them to me, it’s almost as if she felt jealous. It would get to the point it would be embarrass me at times, given the traditional Hispanic role of the male being the leader in a relationship, this is a grown woman who would cry and throw tantrums at times in front of others, at first this didn’t bother me so much I thought I just needed to be supportive which I believe I was , she is adjusting to a new country etc., eventually though this got old and I couldn’t handle it anymore, it became physical on my part as my frustration grew and literally didn’t know what to do I would try to talk to her about why she would act that way around family and she would just shut down and cry, I would try to look for compromises etc. didn’t matter, we would only see them about 3-4 times a year for 2-3 days, I would suggest we end the marriage on a mutual decision, she would refuse it. This would have been a perfect time to walk away but marriage and kids and family are big values for me, so we keep going along and move closer to my family in another state and we started seeing my family more often and it seemed like non stop drama when we were around them, it was hard to relax , my family felt like they were on eggshells.

Things finally came to a head in January of this year when yet another incident at my brother in laws birthday party, she just became upset over the location of where we were having breakfast and I couldn’t handle it anymore I didn’t let it get physical, but I believe I had some sort of mental/nervous breakdown and I told her I simply couldn’t take this anymore and we neeeded to seperate. She of course was not in agreement but I felt we were clearly in some sort of pattern/vicious circle and I didn’t see the point in going forward, I stated I would only continue the marriage if she got therapy for the immaturity and clear issues she has with me being around my family. They are not the greatest family in the world but they have been considerate of her needs, and my mom has tried her very best to bond with her.

After this incident we seperated for about a month and lived seperately and she did go a therapist she trusts and has been doing much better, she has made what appears to be real bonds with my mother, we have spent a week with them and there were no incidents this was previously unthinkable. It’s been about 4 months since she came back and they have probably been the best in our marriage and the best for our son. However, I’m pretty much torn to pieces on the inside, I’ve done some very bad things like getting physical several times with her which was just wrong, I feel very very bad about that. Especially since I had always been a considerate person, who puts the needs of others before my own, I am very confused as to whether I have been the abuser in the relationship as I feel so tired and exausted from the whole ordeal. I really feel no need to control her , just act civil around family that’s all I ever really asked for but I didn’t get until 4 months ago when I made it absolutely clear I was just going to walk away, I didn’t see any point in getting physical or talking about it any longer as she was just doing what she wanted anyway. I’ve apologized to her for getting physical with her but she says it’s in the past and doesn’t matter, I’ve offered her half of what he have in savings which is about 15K if she wants to move out, I’ve also offered to not contest custody of our son or our unborn daughter if she were to move out and will dutifully pay whatever I am ordered to but she says it’s all in the past and has forgiven me which makes me very confused.

I realize the above is very long but I just wanted to get opinions on the above , I want to continue to my marriage as I do have feelings for her still, but I won’t do it any longer in fear of what she will do next when around my family. Is this marriage even salvagable anymore? I’m willing to go to therapy if I need to, she is currently seeing her therapist every two weeks, currently I am very broken and disgusted with myself I am a shell of my former self and have fallen into some type of depression I believe.
 
You cannot be really saying that you are going to leave your wife because she has a bad habit of having tantrums in front of your family. That is not a sufficient reason to abandon your vows. She is not unfaithful with another man, she is not being abusive. She is merely being a sinner. Well, congratulations, you have that in common, because she married a sinner, too! If it makes you feel any better, all of the rest of us did, too.

You will find as a parent that one of the great temptations will be to lose your composure and your compassion for your children when they misbehave in public. Why? Because parents, whether they know it or not, usually have some pride wrapped up in how their children behave in front of others. They secretly believe that well-behaved children make them look good. The child does the work, but they want to take the credit.

When your wife mistreats you in front of others, even your own family, learn to let her “take the credit” for how she is behaving. If you married a real shrew, that doesn’t make you a bad husband. If you are willing to disconnect from your desire to show off your submissive wife to your family instead of letting them see her at her worst and rashly assume she is always like that, you will find it much easier to control your temper.

More to the point, when someone mistreats you in front of others in a way that they never do normally, it is time to figure out what is going on!! Your wife, for instance, may do better if you take special care to show how special she is to you when you are with your family. Maybe she is jealous of how you try to please your mother or how you try to impress your siblings, ignoring her as *you *never do normally. Talk to her about that. I would suggest you invent a code word that you use to let the other know that you are falling from your usual habits of love and honor, or simply that you are upset and need some support and maybe some fresh air. It can be any odd word, or even the name of a person. You might have a saint you name to let on that there is some particular problem. Whatever works.

Whether things work or not, though, quit throwing around the prospect of divorce or separation. You quite simply have no right to talk like that, because you have no excuse for leaving her. Don’t do it, don’t even think about it, and certainly don’t ever threaten to do it again. Promise her that: If you are always faithful to me and you never hit me or attack me (or our children), I will never leave you, no matter what. Safety and fidelity: those are the only two things that are not negotiable. Everything else, I will endure from you as I hope that God endures me, as penance for my own failures before Heaven. That is what I promised you when we married, and as I am a man, that is what I will do, and I mean that as surely as I promised it before God.

If your family ever challenges you about the way she treats you, just tell them: She is my wife, and I will decide what treatment I will take from her, not you. I will protect her from all comers, no matter what. If you don’t like that, too bad. I am a man, and I can run my own marriage, thank you very much.
 
Armando, you are married and your job is to love your wife and family, your immediate family. If you find that she is immature, you should help her with whatever she needs to learn. You should not be putting your hands on her except to hold her close to you in love. She wants to remain married even though you have done this, and even though you have tried to push her away or separate. In some ways Armando, you are more immature than she is. You are willing to tear apart your marriage instead of doing what it takes to make it work.

I can’t help but notice how intertwined you are with your family. You worry about your wife embarrassing you in front of your family. Maybe you don’t realize that your marriage is not about what your family thinks, or expects or wants. It is about you and your wife. You need to do what it takes so that you two are happy together. Personally, I think maybe you need to not see your family as often as you do. You need to build a life with your wife, not offer her money to go away.

I think that if you desire so, you and your wife can work together and build a strong marriage. But the old ways are out. Don’t lean on the “traditional Hispanic role of the male being the leader” because you do not seem to have been able to lead. A strong male does not put his hands on a woman. Please don’t downplay your part in all of this.

Please take your wife and go for marriage counseling. Go for counseling for your anger issues. Separate from your family, not your wife.

May God bless and guide you and your wife.
 
armando148 said:
I am very confused as to whether I have been the abuser in the relationship as I feel so tired and exausted from the whole ordeal.
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Armando148, with all do respect, I’m not sure how you could be confused as to whether you’ve abused your wife when you admit several times in your post that you’ve been “physical” with her.

I’m not sure exactly what “getting physical” entails but if you were standing before Jesus and told him “my wife has been controlling and threw fits in front of my family” and then told him what you’ve physically done to hurt her- who do you think he would say has done the greater wrong to the marriage? Husbands are called to love and sacrifice for their wives, up to and including giving their lives for them. How does physically harming your wife align with what God has called you, as a husband, to do?

I think you need to seek both individual and couples’ therapy. You need to learn to express your frustration in a way that is not sinful and likely illegal, and she needs to get to the root of whatever her issue is that causes her to act like the way she does around your family.
 
danavee said:
Armando148, with all do respect, I’m not sure how you could be confused as to whether you’ve abused your wife when you admit several times in your post that you’ve been “physical” with her.

I’m not sure exactly what “getting physical” entails but if you were standing before Jesus and told him “my wife has been controlling and threw fits in front of my family” and then told him what you’ve physically done to hurt her- who do you think he would say has done the greater wrong to the marriage? Husbands are called to love and sacrifice for their wives, up to and including giving their lives for them. How does physically harming your wife align with what God has called you, as a husband, to do?

I think you need to seek both individual and couples’ therapy. You need to learn to express your frustration in a way that is not sinful and likely illegal, and she needs to get to the root of whatever her issue is that causes her to act like the way she does around your family.
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If he physically harms her or gives her any reason to believe she is in grave danger, or if they treat each other in a way that erodes the victim into self-contempt or fear, then the victim has the authority for a separation with the bond remaining. That is very serious, however, and should be done to preserve one’s own safety and self-integrity, not just because the person doesn’t like to be annoyed by rudeness.

He does need to realize that he could get a felony arrest on his record in the US, and maybe even a conviction, if the police are called on account of domestic violence, something a neighbor could do even if his wife would not. His wife may not have the freedom to elect not to press charges. The lawmakers are getting very serious about preventing spousal abuse. More and more, laws err on the side of safety, not on the side of the benefit of the doubt.

Since the OP is college-educated, I’m sure he could educate himself on the rules in his state. It is well worth it for people with a temper to educate themselves on that, but particularly men and (sadly) probably particularly Hispanic men, because the police may be prejudiced to judge a college-educated man with a Spanish accent more strictly than a college-educated man without an accent, just as they can be prejudiced against working-class men compared to college-educated men and dark-skinned men compared to light-skinned men.

As for being “immature” at 24 and 23–oh, please! Don’t give yourself excuses, OP. You graduated from college, I think you are capable of self-determination. If you think you weren’t grown up then, well, grow up now. You can decide to control yourself. I am sure you do it all of the time, when it is expected of you. Well, expect it of yourself. You can do it! 👍
 
Irishmom2 said:
Armando, you are married and your job is to love your wife and family, your immediate family. If you find that she is immature, you should help her with whatever she needs to learn. You should not be putting your hands on her except to hold her close to you in love. She wants to remain married even though you have done this, and even though you have tried to push her away or separate. In some ways Armando, you are more immature than she is. You are willing to tear apart your marriage instead of doing what it takes to make it work.

I can’t help but notice how intertwined you are with your family. You worry about your wife embarrassing you in front of your family. Maybe you don’t realize that your marriage is not about what your family thinks, or expects or wants. It is about you and your wife. You need to do what it takes so that you two are happy together. Personally, I think maybe you need to not see your family as often as you do. You need to build a life with your wife, not offer her money to go away.

I think that if you desire so, you and your wife can work together and build a strong marriage. But the old ways are out. Don’t lean on the “traditional Hispanic role of the male being the leader” because you do not seem to have been able to lead. A strong male does not put his hands on a woman. Please don’t downplay your part in all of this.

Please take your wife and go for marriage counseling. Go for counseling for your anger issues. Separate from your family, not your wife.

May God bless and guide you and your wife.
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I agree on not seeing my family as often, it’s a big part of Hispanic life the family but it’s clear I have my own now which I must look after, this is very hard, have only come to this realization in the past few months. We have moved out of the state where my family resides and have recently moved to a neighboring state where she has family here in the U.S including her mother. I agree that I may be more immature than her and I have been doing my own soul searching the last 4 months. It always puzzled me that this would only happen around my family and I do realize that my personality was probaly shifting around them, I have only realized this in the last few months.

I am very very sorry for what has happened, I take full responsiblity for my actions which were wrong, I am also just as much to blame for the mess we have made of it all. I have not been a good strong leader in fact a very weak one.
 
armando148:

EasterJoy has some very good advice.

I would also add, figure out with your wife how much of your family she can take. As people were suggesting, have a code word or signal. and when she feels like she can’t take any more. It sounds like staying with your family is probably not a good choice, as your wife probably needs more space and privacy and the knowledge that when she’s had enough, she can go away and not be trapped.

And when you are feeling overwhelmed, tell your wife and do something like walk around the block or go buy groceries or wait until after dinner for difficult situations. Learn to stop and take a break when you find yourself losing control.

And stop talking about divorce. Give your marriage time to improve without that kind of pressure.

You’ll both probably find yourself under a lot more time and work pressure once the baby is born, so be prepared for that in advance. The first year is probably going to be 4X as difficult as just having your first. If your wife doesn’t have local friends, encourage her to meet other mothers who will be a good influence on her. Also, you may wish to do a mother’s day out program for your oldest one day a week, if your wife is not coping well with two little children.

I would suggest that both of you read a book called “Don’t Shoot the Dog,” together. It’s about positive reinforcement, something both of you need to learn to use on each other. As you’ve discovered, the effect of mutual negative reinforcement has been quite disastrous for you both–there’s a sort of downward spiral where the relationship gets worse and worse. The good news is, that if you do positive reinforcement, it’s possible to create an upward spiral. Marriage counseling might help with this.

Best wishes!
 
armando148 said:

“I do realize that my personality was probaly shifting around them, I have only realized this in the last few months.”

That’s very likely. I definitely notice my husband being very different around his parents, and I’ve seen the same in other people I know.
 
There may be several reasons why your wife is acting this way…maybe your wife doesnt like your family…they may act pleasant to her in front of you and could be making remarks and glances once you are out of earshot…if that is whats happening then that may be why she over reacts when she see you talk to them…if they have said cruel things to her and then she sees you being friendly to the people who hurt her then it would make anybody over react…i may be wrong but thats my suggestion of what could be happening…

Its good that shes in therapy…but it would be even better if you went to therapy together and worked through this issue together as a married couple…

Dont leave her over this…if she never acts like this except around your family then there has to be something happening between them and her that has upset her
 
Well Armando, now that you realize that not being near your family helps, or that you had a part in all of the problems, you can now work on your marriage. Apologize to your wife for how you changed when with your family, but most of all you must apologize for putting your hands on her. Promise her that you will never do that again. Tell her that you see your part in the problem and that you want to work on things. Arrange for marriage counseling for the both of you, perhaps through your church. Go to confession if you haven’t already.

We are all sinners, but we can all start over at any time if we choose to do so. There are many honeymoons in the life of a marriage. The first one of course, but there is the honeymoon of the first house, the first child and now for you, a new start with the understanding that you had a part in the problem and are now striving to begin again. Be the husband you were meant to be to your wife.

May God bless you and your wife, Armando.
 
armando148 said:
I agree on not seeing my family as often, it’s a big part of Hispanic life the family but it’s clear I have my own now which I must look after, this is very hard, have only come to this realization in the past few months. We have moved out of the state where my family resides and have recently moved to a neighboring state where she has family here in the U.S including her mother. I agree that I may be more immature than her and I have been doing my own soul searching the last 4 months. It always puzzled me that this would only happen around my family and I do realize that my personality was probaly shifting around them, I have only realized this in the last few months.

I am very very sorry for what has happened, I take full responsiblity for my actions which were wrong, I am also just as much to blame for the mess we have made of it all. I have not been a good strong leader in fact a very weak one.
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Do not be too hard on yourself or your wife. We have to learn how to be married, and when we marry we find that the fire of it uncovers some uncomfortable truths about ourselves. That does not mean we were too immature to marry. It means that marriage has this way of showing us how far we had to go in order to be mature!

Hang in there. It is good to be truly repentant, but don’t beat up on yourselves. Work on this, fix it, and be ready to have to poke some fun at yourselves when you tell your grandchildren about it. Think about this: It may do them some good to know that such a happily married couple was not born knowing how to be a great husband and a great wife, but had to learn and put in a lot of hard work. “Ah, if my grandparents had troubles even four years after they married, then maybe there is hope for us, yet!” That might encourage them more than it would have if you were very good at marriage from the very start–a very rare occurrence!

Be a success story! If you are determined to succeed and refuse to fail, you still have lots of time!
 
It sounds like you might be letting fear control whether you are willing to work on the marriage, even though there seems to be progress on your wife’s part. What will it take for you to decide to work on your marriage? What I mean is, is there something specific and reasonable that you want from her before you feel you can move forward, or are you being unrealistic or unfair in your expectations? How will you help her meet your needs–and how will you handle it if she messes up a few times (because none of us are perfect)? These are not things you need to answer here–just some things to consider in your own heart and mind.

I would say therapy would probably be a good idea for you, too, since you have been physically abusive to your wife in the past, and especially if you think you may be suffering from depression now. A therapist could help you to figure out how to better communicate with your wife and how to deal with your frustration and anger when the two of you have a conflict.

The fact that your wife is willing to forgive, willing to get therapy, and willing to work on the relationship is commendable, and I think it also indicates that there is strong hope for a really good marriage–if you are also willing to work on it.

With that said, it’s natural for you to feel confused and have difficulty trusting that things will be different in the long run. You will need to be patient, forgiving, and focus on the progress made. If she takes two steps forward and one step back, don’t let yourself focus too much on that one step back–remember that she’s still a step ahead of where she was before, and that’s what matters.

Also, remember that you need to put your wife and children before your side of the family–she and your children ARE your family now that you are married. Your relationship with your wife is a higher priority than your relationship with your mother and father, siblings, etc. (Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-9, Matthew 19:4-6)

This doesn’t mean you can’t speak to your family or spend time with them even if it upsets your wife. It does mean, however, that you should not leave your wife (or pressure her into leaving you) because she could not seem to get along with your family in the past–especially since she is apparently putting in the effort to change to solve that problem.

It also means that when you visit with relatives, you need to find a compromise that works for both you and your wife. Is she actually jealous of the time and attention you’re giving your relatives, or is there another issue? Would your wife prefer to stay home while you go visit them sometimes (it doesn’t sound like it, but it might be an option)? Maybe 2-3 days at a time is just too much (it would be too much for me with my in-laws–and I get along fine with them!); would she prefer to stay for a shorter visit, or even be willing to make shorter visits more often?

When you visit relatives, are you staying in their home? If yes, then perhaps she needs her own space if/when she’s feeling anxious or overwhelmed, so staying in a hotel might be a better option. Does she feel that you leave her out or ignore her when you’re with your relatives (even if you don’t feel that you are doing this, you may be able to reassure her in simple ways so that she doesn’t feel left out or overlooked.)? Are you spending all your time and energy with your relatives when you visit so that you don’t have much time/energy left for her and your child, or do you and your wife take some time to reconnect with each other each day?

These don’t need to be answered here, but are all things for you and your wife to consider. Remember that the goal isn’t to “win” the argument, but to find solutions that meet both your needs.

If she has difficulty expressing herself when she’s upset (I have had difficulty with that, too), perhaps you could take time to write letters to each other about your feelings instead of trying to talk directly.

Have you considered Retrouvaille or a Marriage Encounter Weekend? I think either one could be helpful to you both.

Will pray for you! :gopray2:
 
Irishmom2 said:
Armando, you are married and your job is to love your wife and family, your immediate family. If you find that she is immature, you should help her with whatever she needs to learn. You should not be putting your hands on her except to hold her close to you in love. She wants to remain married even though you have done this, and even though you have tried to push her away or separate. In some ways Armando, you are more immature than she is. You are willing to tear apart your marriage instead of doing what it takes to make it work.

I can’t help but notice how intertwined you are with your family. You worry about your wife embarrassing you in front of your family. Maybe you don’t realize that your marriage is not about what your family thinks, or expects or wants. It is about you and your wife. You need to do what it takes so that you two are happy together. Personally, I think maybe you need to not see your family as often as you do. You need to build a life with your wife, not offer her money to go away.

I think that if you desire so, you and your wife can work together and build a strong marriage. But the old ways are out. Don’t lean on the “traditional Hispanic role of the male being the leader” because you do not seem to have been able to lead. A strong male does not put his hands on a woman. Please don’t downplay your part in all of this.

Please take your wife and go for marriage counseling. Go for counseling for your anger issues. Separate from your family, not your wife.

May God bless and guide you and your wife.
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THIS^^. Print it out and put it in your wallet.
Go see the priest. Get counseling. and start praying! For each other, and your children, who depend on the two of you!
Peace,
pianist
 
If you want to continue, you would both need to go to marriage counseling. A counselor would tell you that any violence, physical and verbal, would need to stop.
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There are also cultural issues to work through.

As to the depression, that can be treated as well, through counseling, and if necessary, medication.

You really can´t know if the marriage is salvageable unless you both agree to give it your best effort.
 
ClearWater said:
…You really can´t know if the marriage is salvageable unless you both agree to give it your best effort.
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A marriage is salvageable until you have worked very hard to prove otherwise. It is not OK to abandon the common conjugal life without compelling reasons.
 
I can’t add much that hasn’t already been said.
The only thing I’d add is to not be concerned about public opinion (including family).
Often those of us who have been raised overseas or have parents that were,have been brought up believing we should fear other peoples negative opinions of us.
So we are told don’t make a scene in public or at get togethers etc or we risk judgment or disapproval etc.
So as an adult your job is to learn how to make it not matter how people or your family react to your wife.
Some of this will likely involve having to “break against tradition”.
Your role is to make harmony between your wife and you,and between her and your family.
Your role isn’t though,impressing your family,pleasing them,trying to fit the mould of behaviour they expect,or anything else similar.
Obviously,it’s not ok ever to get physical with your wife and in addition it’s important to communicate with her exactly about your family is it that bothers her.
It’s unlikely that what really bothered her was where you would be sitting.There must have been a deeper underlying issue than this.
 
I thank everyone for the advice and their wishes.

I have started to sacrifice more for my wife as of recent, we moved to a different city so she could be closer to her family support structure, I do not wish for her to isolated from her family in the end I have always wanted what is best for her, it was just my definition of best which I believe I was wrong about, she needs to define what is best for her. I suppose my great fear now is that I am no longer worthy of her given my past actions which I will be honest about I didn’t see the seriousness of my actions at the time, I knew it was wrong but I was not putting myself in her shoes fully. Unfortunately, alot of stuff happens in the Mexico/Hispanic community and it’s been hard to accept that some of the behaviors of what I was raised in aren’t really healthy, it makes me feel inferior, but it is what it is, the control is unhealthy it’s expected you must “control” your wife and when we are on our own I don’t really try to control or even make an effort of it and everything seems to work out. I take some comfort that I have not resorted to drinking/cheating as a coping method and I have remained true to her and my son the whole time we have been married in my heart. I was just desperately seeking whatever would work because of a fear I suppose I had that I would look weak in front of others, I was wrong about this I should just let her own her actions as someone suggested and I have been doing that and it has worked , stopped any serious disagreements as there is nothing to be upset about on my part as it’s her actions not mine.

I get confused at times as I have always believed in god and placed my faith in him leading us down the right direction and that honoring a marriage by staying faithful and being a responsible provider is a top goal. I supposed I have lacked on the intimate side and listening more to my wife about her emotional needs/concerns about my family, it’s almost as I haven’t even considered her on that part. Also I tend to place importance on what I hear in the media/internet and their expectations of a wife/husband and it can make me unhappy as it leads to comparison of myself and her even though deep down I know no one is perfect and to go down the multiple partner route is not what I desire. I really need to grow up and be a man and become vulnerable to my wife and trust her 100%, I will seek counseling in the near future for what may be depression I’m not sure. Since I started examining myself and my actions I have been feeling real guilty for stuff I did when I was younger that I didn’t think was wrong at the time and now I can see it clearly was. My wife is understanding of this but again I struggle as I read media/internet and everything is portrayed as having to be perfect without any mistakes and if you make mistakes you are a monster/bad, sorry this is long but this seems like a place were one can share openly.
 
For me personally I don’t see you as a monster or bad.
You have a willingness to change and better your relationship.
I agree there can be societal pressure not to make mistakes or risk being labelled or judged.
Best just not to listen to judgmental or critical people.Often they are that way as a reflection of something going own in their own lives.
Luckily,not everyone is like that.
Take Care
 
Don’t compare yourself to other people’s marriages. People are usually putting their best foot forward in public. They may be doing stuff at home that would surprise you! (When I was a kid, my parents would have HUGE arguments at home but were sweet as pie in public. That wasn’t a sign of dire marriage problems–it’s just a common way to handle marital problems.)

Work with a sympathetic third party and just think about improving your marriage, rather than what you see on TV or social media or what you think other people’s lives are like. They’re all hurting, just like you, but for a variety of different reasons. Everybody has problems.
 
I strongly recommend that you seek counselling for yourself and consider Retrouvaille. (From what I understand, Marriage Encounter is for couples whose marriages are generally going well - it’s a chance for them to take some time to evaluate their marriage and do a “health check”. Retrouvaille is for marriages in serious trouble.)

IMHO, the only reasons to leave someone are abuse or continued, unrepentant adultery (and then only because in these situations it may be necessary to protect yourself). It sounds as if currently there is no reason for you to leave your wife. Marital counselling for the both of you together may also be helpful.
 
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