Advice Please - 4 Year Old Marriage

[EasterJoy]

I thank everyone for the advice and their wishes.

I have started to sacrifice more for my wife as of recent, we moved to a different city so she could be closer to her family support structure, I do not wish for her to isolated from her family in the end I have always wanted what is best for her, it was just my definition of best which I believe I was wrong about, she needs to define what is best for her. I suppose my great fear now is that I am no longer worthy of her given my past actions which I will be honest about I didn’t see the seriousness of my actions at the time, I knew it was wrong but I was not putting myself in her shoes fully. Unfortunately, alot of stuff happens in the Mexico/Hispanic community and it’s been hard to accept that some of the behaviors of what I was raised in aren’t really healthy, it makes me feel inferior, but it is what it is, the control is unhealthy it’s expected you must “control” your wife and when we are on our own I don’t really try to control or even make an effort of it and everything seems to work out. I take some comfort that I have not resorted to drinking/cheating as a coping method and I have remained true to her and my son the whole time we have been married in my heart. I was just desperately seeking whatever would work because of a fear I suppose I had that I would look weak in front of others, I was wrong about this I should just let her own her actions as someone suggested and I have been doing that and it has worked , stopped any serious disagreements as there is nothing to be upset about on my part as it’s her actions not mine.

I get confused at times as I have always believed in god and placed my faith in him leading us down the right direction and that honoring a marriage by staying faithful and being a responsible provider is a top goal. I supposed I have lacked on the intimate side and listening more to my wife about her emotional needs/concerns about my family, it’s almost as I haven’t even considered her on that part. Also I tend to place importance on what I hear in the media/internet and their expectations of a wife/husband and it can make me unhappy as it leads to comparison of myself and her even though deep down I know no one is perfect and to go down the multiple partner route is not what I desire. I really need to grow up and be a man and become vulnerable to my wife and trust her 100%, I will seek counseling in the near future for what may be depression I’m not sure. Since I started examining myself and my actions I have been feeling real guilty for stuff I did when I was younger that I didn’t think was wrong at the time and now I can see it clearly was. My wife is understanding of this but again I struggle as I read media/internet and everything is portrayed as having to be perfect without any mistakes and if you make mistakes you are a monster/bad, sorry this is long but this seems like a place were one can share openly.

Remember that a feeling of guilt is only meant to prompt you to examine your conscience. When we have to admit we have chosen to sin, we are not intended to be filled with shame, but with repentance. Shame is sort of a dark color of pride, whereas repentance followed by mercy towards the offenses of others against us and reliance on the mercy of God is humble. It is also a lot more peaceful. That is what the Lord wants for you! Listen to the words that conclude the sacrament of penance:

Priest: God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, + and of the Holy Spirit.
Pentitent: Amen.
Priest: Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
Penitent: His mercy endures for ever.
Priest: The Lord has freed you from your sins. Go in peace.

 

[Mayita30]

I agree on not seeing my family as often, it’s a big part of Hispanic life the family but it’s clear I have my own now which I must look after, this is very hard, have only come to this realization in the past few months. We have moved out of the state where my family resides and have recently moved to a neighboring state where she has family here in the U.S including her mother. I agree that I may be more immature than her and I have been doing my own soul searching the last 4 months. It always puzzled me that this would only happen around my family and I do realize that my personality was probaly shifting around them, I have only realized this in the last few months.

I am very very sorry for what has happened, I take full responsiblity for my actions which were wrong, I am also just as much to blame for the mess we have made of it all. I have not been a good strong leader in fact a very weak one.

Please do not let the culture of machismo ruin your marriage. A man is more of a man if he loves his wife, protects her and serves her not the other way around.

A woman wants to feel love and protected by her husband at all time. When she feels this, she will naturally love, respect and serve her husband. Do not buy into the culture of hispanics where men are superior than women, i don’t think Jesus will like that.

 

[AliR14]

Stop hitting your wife. Immediately.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I don’t believe at all that you are “inferior” to her. However, if you feel that you are not currently a “good enough” husband because of the choices you have made, then that is an opportunity to make better choices and become the man that you feel she deserves.

When you want to become better at something, like a new hobby or sport, what do you do? Usually, you would begin by understanding what skills you need to work on, and then you would begin practicing those skills. If you wanted to become the best you could be at it, then you would continue practicing until (and even after) those skills became second nature to you.

So, what kind of husband do you want to be? Start behaving like that kind of man would behave (just like you would practice the skills for a sport or hobby), and loving your wife the way she deserves to be loved. You can do this.

No one on earth today is perfect. How we behave with someone we love is not something that just “happens” to us; it’s a decision, a choice (or a series of choices). Start trying to make the right choices, even in the small things, and keep trying despite your struggles… and the more you practice, the more you will find yourself getting better at it.

Marriage is not about perfection–it’s about persistence. You are human, and that means you will probably mess up sometimes, especially at the beginning. We all do. Remember when you mess up, that it just means you aren’t perfect–you’re still practicing! Even pro-athletes strike out, drop the ball, or lose a game occasionally, right? But they don’t let it hold them back–they pick themselves back up and keep practicing! So don’t let your past hold you back, either; forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes, and resolve to do better next time.

I will continue to pray for you!

 

[armando148]

Well here as a 1 month later update.

My wife is currently staying with her mother she had our daughter two weeks ago, all is well with our daughter. Since I last posted a sister of mine who recently graduated from college in May came to stay with us at my offering , it’s created a lot of tension in our already rocky marriage, I can tell my wife is bothered by it but has not had any tantrums but I notice a suttle changes in her mood at times. She has openly stated to me in private that my sister’s presence in the home bothers her at times and feels ignored by me at times in favor of my sister, this may be true. Either way it’s not good because while she agreed with me to privately let her stay for a month until she found a job in this larger metro area I can tell that she feels I wouldn’t enforce the one month timeline and it’s true I didn’t, sister has now found a job and is starting this week on her new job. I plan on asking sister to go apartment hunting this weekend.

I guess the big decision is coming up, the one I have avoided since getting married , who is more important my wife and now kids or my original family. While the decision sounds simple , it should be my wife and kids it’s terribly hard to make, we have had a tough time of marriage and I still have some feelings for my wife they are nowhere near as strong as when we first got together I have been detaching since the start of the year when he had a huge family related argument yet again, the patience is no longer there. I feel like my wife is also tired of the whole thing, she cannot live up to my original family’s expectations to her credit she has tried but I don’t think my siblings ever liked her partly due to her actions and partly them just being biased because of her background of not growing up in a two parent household like we did, their view is she is flawed and I supposed I’ve bought into that lately, thinking maybe she has a personality disorder, but she doesn’t have any addictions and doesn’t cheat and I can tell generally cares for our kids and want’s the best for them, she is not selfish towards them and genuinely believes in god, hard for me to reconcile that with a personality disorder given that our arguments are always about my family and the role they play in our lives you would think a disorder would manifest itself in other areas not just around my family.

This is all very tough because the idea of divorce is so appealing, it seems like the magical solution it calms me down and gives an escape from all our problems. I’ve thought the concept of co parenting if we divorce might work between me and her as I don’t wish her any will and am willing to be a responsible adult and support my children irrespective of the outcome. It seems like perhaps we might be able to pull off a non nasty divorce. I watched the movie Fireproof and it gave me some hope, I know if I did what the husband did my wife would be receptive, I identified with the couple. I believe God has always been there for me in the tough times so it’s hard to reconcile this at times, why is this happening is this some sort of test ?

 

[Kindness]

Have you been going to regular Confession? I think this would help a lot and give you graces that you need to proceed. By regular I mean at least once a month.

The irony that you might consider yourself superior to your wife because you had two parents (something that was obviously outside her control) and that your solution would be to leave your children with no father in their home. The devil delights in splitting up marriages and families. It has only been one month, hardly anytime. Have you begun any kind of counselling? If all that has changed is that you invited your sister to stay when your wife was just about to have a baby I can see there might be tensions. It was kind to think of your sister but at this time your wife really needed/needs some psychological space and privacy with you because introducing a new baby to the family is obviously a huge change. Please tell me you are not serious about abandoning your wife with a newborn and toddler because your family don’t accept her and want to diagnose her with a personality disorder.

I think you might want to look a bit closer to home for a disordered personality. Where is your love, mercy and compassion toward your wife who has given you two beautiful children? She is very vulnerable right now and needs your love and support. Please become serious about saving and building your marriage. A great website is MarriageBuilders. Please don’t bail on your wife and children because life is challenging, they need you and you need them. You made vows before God and your marriage is your vocation and route to heaven.

I think you and your family are very unfair to lay all the blame at your wife’s feet. It is common that in - laws don’t see eye to eye, what you are experiencing is a common marriage problem and you need third party help outside your two families to help you resolve it.

You would be a much weaker man to abandon your family than letting your wife have more say and balance in how you relate to people outside your marriage.