Advice please - atheist husband will not attend sacraments

[catholicmom2015]

Hello!

I have been married for 10 1/2 years to a wonderful man, overall very happy. He was baptised Lutheran as a baby but is definitely an atheist as is his whole family - but to various degrees. As I was raised Catholic with a fairly strong upbringing - we went to church every week, I attended Catholic school - we did talk about religion before we got married. I was upfront and said that I would need any children we had to be raised in the Catholic faith - attend Catholic school, have the sacraments etc. He agreed to this. When we got married, he agreed to support me. Here is the problem- I feel we did discuss him personally attending the sacraments but maybe we didn’t get down to that much detail at that time.

Our marriage was blessed by a family friend and Catholic priest but we were not married in a church. Both our kids were baptised and he attended both baptisms. Right now, my son is in grade 2 and in our particular school they do the sacrament of reconciliation and then the sacrament of communion all in 1 year.

Over the last while religion has been more a part of my life than it had been. in fall of 2014,I ran for Catholic School Board Trustee for the school board (my husband was supportive of my efforts to run). I have also been attending church more and taking the boys with me. I never ask him to attend . I did ask him if he was going to come at Christmas this year when my son was a shepherd in the play. His response: I don’t go to church with you, why would Christmas Eve be any different? I guess in my head I do feel it’s different as my son asked to be in the play. I thought my husband would want to watch him perform and be there to support him.

My son’s sacrament of reconciliation was last week. We had a heated discussion several weeks before the sacrament where he told me exactly what he thought of the Catholic faith and that he wouldn’t be attending the sacraments. As it turned out, he had to help a friend last minute who has been battling a horrible alcohol addiction so he wasn’t able to attend anyway. I commend him for helping his friend, I know it weighs heavy on his mind.

I am trying to move on from this but I feel unsettled. I just feel this is out from left field and I do not think I am asking for too much. The next sacrament is Apr 12. Some of his family have no problem attending - they are doing it to show support to Peter. How I wish my husband would take the same view! Not to mention, I don’t want to have to explain this to my son, why daddy isn’t there. My husband said he would be honest and tell our son that there are different beliefs in the world and daddy doesn’t believe. I said we can’t be telling this to a 7 year old, he won’t want to go then. My hubby did agree that saying that wouldn’t change anything, my son would still need to go.

I want to reapproach this in a different way with my husband. I don’t want it to be confrontational. I do feel though, that him attending 5 sacraments over the next 9 years is not too much to ask. I want to ask him to do it as a favour to me and to support his sons. Marriage is a give and take, this is what I need him to give to me right now.

Sorry this post got a bit long, I just wanted to give some background to help you get the feel for the issue. I welcome your thoughts - thank you so much!!

 

[Millie123]

I’m married to a non-Catholic as well. He’s made the commitment to allow me to raise our children catholic. My son even attends catholic school. But my husband also does not attend Catholic mass. My suggestion to you is don’t argue about it. You put the invitation out there and he has said “no.” Arguing with him more will only put him more on the defensive and dig his heels in more. You knew your husband was not Catholic when you married him. All you can do is throw the invitation out there for him to participate, and if he says “no” then it really shouldn’t be any surprise.
My conversations with my husband usually go like this
Me: “honey, would you like to come to church with us today?”
Him: “no…I’m watching football”
Me, with kindness and a smile on my face: “I will bring you home a cookie”
Then when I come home I give him a cookie and a kiss and let it go, without any further discussion or argument. Occasionally he will say yes and I consider it a win. But, when when he says no, as your husband does to you, I refuse to argue on about it or even carry on the conversation further because he will dig in his heels further. You’ve invited your husband to participate and he has given you his answer of “no” which really should not be surprising. He is allowing you to raise your children Catholic. Right now I think you should accept your husband’s answer of “no” but pray for him like saint Monica…and accept that you may have to teach your children the Catholic faith without the participation of your husband.

 

[Pax2u]

I just wanted to share a personal story. My Catholic great-aunt married someone who didn’t belong to any religion, and had no interest in joining the church–a sweet and good man, but just not interested in church. They married right after WWII ended. Raised a large family, my aunt was the church organist for many, many years. He never hindered her from raising the kids Catholic, they went to the local Catholic school, etc.

When they were quite elderly one year my aunt drove alone (as usual) to church to play at the Easter Vigil. Imagine her surprise when my uncle was in the group to be baptized and brought into the church! He had gone through RCIA without her knowing it, so he could surprise her at Easter. He had to have been close to 80 at the time.

Guess I just wanted to say…keep living your faith, loving him, and setting a good example. You never know how it will turn out!

 

[ClearWater]

Hello!

I have been married for 10 1/2 years to a wonderful man, overall very happy. He was baptised Lutheran as a baby but is definitely an atheist as is his whole family - but to various degrees. As I was raised Catholic with a fairly strong upbringing - we went to church every week, I attended Catholic school - we did talk about religion before we got married. I was upfront and said that I would need any children we had to be raised in the Catholic faith - attend Catholic school, have the sacraments etc. He agreed to this. When we got married, he agreed to support me. Here is the problem- I feel we did discuss him personally attending the sacraments but maybe we didn’t get down to that much detail at that time.

Our marriage was blessed by a family friend and Catholic priest but we were not married in a church. Both our kids were baptised and he attended both baptisms. Right now, my son is in grade 2 and in our particular school they do the sacrament of reconciliation and then the sacrament of communion all in 1 year.

Over the last while religion has been more a part of my life than it had been. in fall of 2014,I ran for Catholic School Board Trustee for the school board (my husband was supportive of my efforts to run). I have also been attending church more and taking the boys with me. I never ask him to attend . I did ask him if he was going to come at Christmas this year when my son was a shepherd in the play. His response: I don’t go to church with you, why would Christmas Eve be any different? I guess in my head I do feel it’s different as my son asked to be in the play. I thought my husband would want to watch him perform and be there to support him.

My son’s sacrament of reconciliation was last week. We had a heated discussion several weeks before the sacrament where he told me exactly what he thought of the Catholic faith and that he wouldn’t be attending the sacraments. As it turned out, he had to help a friend last minute who has been battling a horrible alcohol addiction so he wasn’t able to attend anyway. I commend him for helping his friend, I know it weighs heavy on his mind.

I am trying to move on from this but I feel unsettled. I just feel this is out from left field and I do not think I am asking for too much. The next sacrament is Apr 12. Some of his family have no problem attending - they are doing it to show support to Peter. How I wish my husband would take the same view! Not to mention, I don’t want to have to explain this to my son, why daddy isn’t there. My husband said he would be honest and tell our son that there are different beliefs in the world and daddy doesn’t believe. I said we can’t be telling this to a 7 year old, he won’t want to go then. My hubby did agree that saying that wouldn’t change anything, my son would still need to go.

I want to reapproach this in a different way with my husband. I don’t want it to be confrontational. I do feel though, that him attending 5 sacraments over the next 9 years is not too much to ask. I want to ask him to do it as a favour to me and to support his sons. Marriage is a give and take, this is what I need him to give to me right now.

Sorry this post got a bit long, I just wanted to give some background to help you get the feel for the issue. I welcome your thoughts - thank you so much!!

Your husband has made his feelings known. He does NOT want to participate in anything related to the faith. I’d say not to push him, not to invite him any more.

Well, he doesn´t believe in God, to go along with this, to him, would be insincere.

Why not let him be? Sometimes, the more pressure we apply on trying to change someone, the more he will resist. In some cases, once the pressure is off, he can decide, with it being HIS decision, HIS idea, he wants to go to something.

Try backing off. Know that you can´t change him. Accept him as he is, first.

Sometimes, it’s in accepting, surrendering, that we have more power, if that’s the right wording.

I knew a woman who had married an atheist, I believe. She was very Catholic. Through her example, with NO pressure, she helped convert her husband. Then, when he died, she went out, became a nun!

She told me NOT to pressure people, to let them be.

 

[ClearWater]

My ex-husband was agnostic. It was when I stopped pressuring him he’d want to say grace, and once (with it being his idea), when to Christmas Eve mass. I would just say I was leaving, and he’d offer to go with me.

It’s sort of like reverse psychology.

 

[catholicmom2015]

Thank you to all for the quick and supportive replies! As a new member I was not sure what to expect but I really appreciate the advice so far.

Every week and at night if I remember to pray, I pray for strength to help me accept my husband for who he is and be thankful for what he is willing to do. I do try to think of it from his perspective - how would I feel if someone asked me to raise my kids without religion, or a religion I didn’t believe in. It is just hard to do that, because I don’t know any other way. It is even harder to rise above what others think. I see my friends and family, some of whose husbands are not Catholic, attending sacraments or important church services and it just hurts that I have to go it alone.

I’m picturing how the sacrament of communion will go in April - some of his family and mine attending the sacrament and everyone asking me where my DH is. Even worse, I was planning a celebration at our house afterward. Will he be here for that?

Good point about semantics and letting him come to his own decision. He does not like to be told what to do so re-raising this issue again could make it worse.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I agree with Millie123. I also struggle with a husband who does not want to come with me to Church, even for our children’s Sacraments–except mine’s a lapsed Catholic. It’s a hard situation to be in, but here are some things I’ve learned (mostly the hard way):

If you push him, whether he gives in or not, it will likely push him further from God. But you can be persistent without being pushy.

You cannot control your husband. You have to have a lot of trust in God for this, because you cannot be your husband’s Holy Spirit. In fact, you may have to work to keep yourself out of the way so the Holy Spirit can do his job! (For me, this usually includes knowing when to keep my mouth shut so that my husband can more clearly hear the whisper in his heart.) Now, let me be clear that I’m not saying you always have to hide your hurt feelings or that you should have no (name removed by moderator)ut, especially when he’s making a decision that affects you and/or your family. You can certainly tell him what outcome you’d want, give him your opinion… but leave the decision about what he does up to him.

You also cannot control your husband’s relationship with his child(ren). Let your husband be the one to explain to his son why he did not come see him perform in the play. Your answer, if your son asks you why Dad isn’t there, is, “I don’t know, sweetheart.” If he persists, tell him to ask his father. Don’t try to explain for your husband or make excuses for him. (I really struggle with this.)

Keep inviting your husband, but make sure it’s a real invitation… not a demand, a guilt trip, or a power struggle. When he does accept the invitation now and then, show that you are happy to have him there. I suggest that you don’t thank him–this is not a “favor” to you, and you probably don’t want him to see it that way, either. But you can certainly tell him that it makes you happy when the family is all together for important occasions (or something similar).

Each time he refuses your invitation, just act as though he must have a good reason, even if you’re sure he doesn’t (i.e., no pouting, passive-aggressive behavior, or arguing after the decision’s been made). Respect him, and respect that it’s his choice. He has to feel free to choose. Otherwise, even if he chooses what you want, it’s not going to come across as love; it’s just convenience, or keeping the peace, or placating the wife, or whatever you want to call it.

You might get the feeling that sometimes he’s refusing (or even making comments) just to “test” your response or your patience. That’s normal; he’s probably trying to assess whether he really has a choice, or if this is a manipulation tool on your part (like “reverse psychology”) to get what you want. Just keep praying and inviting. Have faith.

Most of all, keep in mind that the goal should not be just to get his butt in the Church. The goal is to get his heart there. And, unlike the butt, the heart cannot be kicked into Church–it has to come willingly.

You have my prayers.

 

[St_Francis]

Thank you to all for the quick and supportive replies! As a new member I was not sure what to expect but I really appreciate the advice so far.

Every week and at night if I remember to pray, I pray for strength to help me accept my husband for who he is and be thankful for what he is willing to do.

Thank him for what he is willing to do. Accept him for who he is. God can only do so much You do it, then thank God for sending the grace to do it.

Think more about what you were thinking when you were so happy to marry him; do little things for him or whatever shows him you love him (are there things you did when you were dating that you no longer do?); chase negative thoughts about your husband out of your mind gently. If you have trouble doing that, pray right that very second for help, and keep praying til the thoughts go away. Whne they come back, pray some more.

I do try to think of it from his perspective - how would I feel if someone asked me to raise my kids without religion, or a religion I didn’t believe in. It is just hard to do that, because I don’t know any other way. It is even harder to rise above what others think. I see my friends and family, some of whose husbands are not Catholic, attending sacraments or important church services and it just hurts that I have to go it alone.

You are concerned about what others think… don’t be. What your husband decides is not a reflection on you. You just say, he couldn’t make it, how’s your sciatica? (or whatever, change the subject.) And ask God to take away the sin of human respect from you. Confess it when it happens (Confession helps a lot, btw–it gives additional graces to fight the sins we confess. Go often!)

I’m picturing how the sacrament of communion will go in April - some of his family and mine attending the sacrament and everyone asking me where my DH is. Even worse, I was planning a celebration at our house afterward. Will he be here for that?

Why are you doing this to yourself? (ETA: Why are you torturing yourself by “picturing how it will go”?)

Good point about semantics and letting him come to his own decision. He does not like to be told what to do so re-raising this issue again could make it worse.

Never, ever, ever bug him about this. He is an adult, you knew he was an atheist when you married him, so just focus on the positives reasons you married him rather than making a big deal of his continuing to be who he was when you married him.

WRT your son, if he is concerned about his dad’s lack of faith, teach him to pray for his soul with you. It could be an intention for one of the decades of the Rosary you two pray together at night (hint, hint).

 

[CatholicRaven]

I’m picturing how the sacrament of communion will go in April - some of his family and mine attending the sacrament and everyone asking me where my DH is. Even worse, I was planning a celebration at our house afterward. Will he be here for that?

Your response, when people ask where your husband is, could be, “He wasn’t able to come today. But I’ll let him know you asked about him.” It’s the truth, and you don’t owe anyone any more explanation than that. Then you can ask about their family, or otherwise gently change the subject.

No matter the occasion, I wouldn’t invite a bunch of people over without discussing it with my husband first (and he wouldn’t do that to me, either). But it almost sounds like you’re planning this celebration without telling him. Or maybe I’m just misunderstanding what you said.

Anyway, I’d suggest that if you can get a little help from him in the planning stages, you should be able to get some idea of where he’s going to be, whether it’s to attend the party, or find somewhere else to be entirely, or whatever the case may be.

I’d suggest simply asking your husband about having people over afterward for a reception. Something like: “Honey, I’d really like to have some kind of reception after Junior’s First Communion, maybe some cake and punch. If we do, I was thinking it might be easiest to just have it here. What do you think?”

 

[Auntie_A]

Perhaps your mistake is in thinking that if the kids see Daddy doesn’t believe then they might not believe. Your goal, like St Monica is to show Christ by your example and pray for your grace, patience, love to increase. You are at your best when you are immersed in faith: “see Mommy swimming in the deep end of the pool–she is happy and safe; can we swim out to join her? Daddy sits on the bank…maybe he’s afraid. Let’s show Daddy how good we are at swimming.”

And if one or more of your children might be wanting to “sit on the banks” with Daddy, why would you love them or treat them any less than if they were swimming with you? We worry about how someone on the banks will manage if they fall into deep waters but we continue to pray for them and love them.

And I have another anecdote of an auntie whose husband did not join her at mass until their fiftieth year of marriage. Then he became a lector and a Eucharistic minister!

 

[PaulfromIowa]

You freely chose to marry someone whom you knew was an atheist. You have no right to nag him about this. It was your choice.

Pray for him and your children. Set a good Christian example.

 

[PennyinCanada]

He said No, that’s all there is to it. No. He was an atheist when you married and he’s continuing on. No surprise to you. I think the surprise is that you have strong feelings of missing him during these important faith events with your children. In light of this, would you like to have a ministry on Catholic Answers? There are many people who come on who are Catholic and are dating an atheist or maybe a Christian who is hostile to the Catholic faith, or a Jew who does not believe in Christ. Come and reply about how much you love your children (who can imagine that while dating?) and how it makes your heart ache that your husband isn’t interested in participating in faith matters, especially when the children are involved. Write how his noninvolvement impacts your children. His absence in faith matters is seen by your kids, and maybe too nephews and nieces of a similar age. Your experience can have a lot of weight for others who are in the process of discerning their life partner. In the meantime, offer up your suffering and heart ache for the conversion of sinners that our Blessed Mother has asked for at Fatima, with your husband as a special intention.

 

[1ke]

I disagree with the “you knew he was an atheist” camp on this one.

This is a 7 year old having a big day. Dad is being a self-centered word I can’t say on here to be so petty as to not attend his own child’s first communion. I would say this if it were a birthday party, play, recital, or whatever.

The child is 7.

When the child is 18 or over he can deal with his father’s behavior however he sees fit-- i.e. when Dad refuses to attend his child’s wedding because it’s also a sacrament.

But you do not do these things to children.

There is a different place to wage an ideological war, it is not on the back of a 7 year old.

 

[CatholicRaven]

1ke,
While I do agree with you, remember that she is the one here, not him. She cannot control him or make the decision for him… even if that means he decides to be a petty, self-centered word-I-can’t-say-on-here. And even if his decision hurts his son’s feelings.

She can only do so much. I’d certainly say that she could point out to her husband that their son would really like him there to see him perform in the play–that it’s not about religion, it’s about being present for important events in their children’s lives. That she would really like him to be a part of this memory for their son.

Will for this situation.

 

[catholicmom2015]

Thanks all,

I did mention that I wanted to have people over here after the sacrament so it won’t be a surprise. But I will have to raise it again to remind him of the date and yes, ask for his thoughts on having it here.

This is exactly my issue where I keep going back and forth in my mind. Yes, I knew he was an atheist. But he agreed to support me. So I guess I failed to quantify with him what the ‘support’ would be. I thought he would attend the sacraments and he seemed to be going down that path as he attended both baptisms. I guess we have different visions of support. His ‘support’ is not standing in the way of me raising the kids Catholic, where I thought he would at least attend the sacramental milestones.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Thanks all,

I did mention that I wanted to have people over here after the sacrament so it won’t be a surprise. But I will have to raise it again to remind him of the date and yes, ask for his thoughts on having it here.

This is exactly my issue where I keep going back and forth in my mind. Yes, I knew he was an atheist. But he agreed to support me. So I guess I failed to quantify with him what the ‘support’ would be. I thought he would attend the sacraments and he seemed to be going down that path as he attended both baptisms. I guess we have different visions of support. His ‘support’ is not standing in the way of me raising the kids Catholic, where I thought he would at least attend the sacramental milestones.

As a nonbeliever husband married to a Catholic, I guess that not standing in the way of something and not discouraging others is it’s own support. I suppose it is impossible to really explain, but for the most part attending church is a rather uncomfortable experience. It is in essence a participation in what I don’t believe mixed with other things I better not go into.

May I suggest that as far as him attending performances your son participates in you may emphasize the non religious reasons he should go, in the same way I would hope he attends whatever plays or recitals come up in other venues too. For the other sacraments to come, perhaps try to work out some sort of compromise regarding his attendance ahead of time. Have a short description of what it means to both of you and possibly if he can just “be there” as opposed to having to actively participate. (I honestly don’t know if parents “participate” in the sacraments)

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Thanks all,

I did mention that I wanted to have people over here after the sacrament so it won’t be a surprise. But I will have to raise it again to remind him of the date and yes, ask for his thoughts on having it here.

This is exactly my issue where I keep going back and forth in my mind. Yes, I knew he was an atheist. But he agreed to support me. So I guess I failed to quantify with him what the ‘support’ would be. I thought he would attend the sacraments and he seemed to be going down that path as he attended both baptisms. I guess we have different visions of support. His ‘support’ is not standing in the way of me raising the kids Catholic, where I thought he would at least attend the sacramental milestones.

I think that you’ll have to let the idea of him “supporting you” go, but as others are suggesting, appeal to him that he ought to go to his child’s special days much like he would go to a school play. It is pretty low to boycott your child’s special event and the message the child might get is that your own dislike of the faith is more important to you than your love for the child. I would approach him with that idea, and make it completely about just being a loving Dad, and not about supporting you in your religious endeavors. I’d also pick the battles - if you have other children, don’t worry about the infant baptism - the baby won’t care, and it doesn’t matter what other people think. Focus on the events that the child would really want to share with their father.

 

[ClearWater]

I agree with Millie123. I also struggle with a husband who does not want to come with me to Church, even for our children’s Sacraments–except mine’s a lapsed Catholic. It’s a hard situation to be in, but here are some things I’ve learned (mostly the hard way):

If you push him, whether he gives in or not, it will likely push him further from God. But you can be persistent without being pushy.

You cannot control your husband. You have to have a lot of trust in God for this, because you cannot be your husband’s Holy Spirit. In fact, you may have to work to keep yourself out of the way so the Holy Spirit can do his job! (For me, this usually includes knowing when to keep my mouth shut so that my husband can more clearly hear the whisper in his heart.) Now, let me be clear that I’m not saying you always have to hide your hurt feelings or that you should have no (name removed by moderator)ut, especially when he’s making a decision that affects you and/or your family. You can certainly tell him what outcome you’d want, give him your opinion… but leave the decision about what he does up to him.

You also cannot control your husband’s relationship with his child(ren). **Let your husband be the one to explain/**B] to his son why he did not come see him perform in the play. Your answer, if your son asks you why Dad isn’t there, is, “I don’t know, sweetheart.” If he persists, tell him to ask his father. Don’t try to explain for your husband or make excuses for him. (I really struggle with this.)

Keep inviting your husband, but make sure it’s a real invitation… not a demand, a guilt trip, or a power struggle. When he does accept the invitation now and then, show that you are happy to have him there. I suggest that you don’t thank him–this is not a “favor” to you, and you probably don’t want him to see it that way, either. But you can certainly tell him that it makes you happy when the family is all together for important occasions (or something similar).

Each time he refuses your invitation, just act as though he must have a good reason, even if you’re sure he doesn’t (i.e., no pouting, passive-aggressive behavior, or arguing after the decision’s been made). Respect him, and respect that it’s his choice. He has to feel free to choose. Otherwise, even if he chooses what you want, it’s not going to come across as love; it’s just convenience, or keeping the peace, or placating the wife, or whatever you want to call it.

You might get the feeling that sometimes he’s refusing (or even making comments) just to “test” your response or your patience. That’s normal; he’s probably trying to assess whether he really has a choice, or if this is a manipulation tool on your part (like “reverse psychology”) to get what you want. Just keep praying and inviting. Have faith.

Most of all, keep in mind that the goal should not be just to get his butt in the Church. The goal is to get his heart there. And, unlike the butt, the heart cannot be kicked into Church–it has to come willingly.

You have my prayers.

 

[ClearWater]

I would stop inviting him, since he’s already made his position clear. I believe if he were to have a change of heart, he would tell you.

 

[Jimdandy]

***Our marriage was blessed by a family friend and Catholic priest but we were not married in a church. ***

I think that this is the root of your problem-perhaps you should apply for a radical sanction-unless you meant that the your marriage was convalidated.

Pray to St Monica & St Augustine for your husband’s conversion.