Advice please true story

[michaelmac]

A mother has managed to find her son, who was put up for adoption, She two problems, One is she never gave her son up for adoption, The care home she was in took the child off her, So what does she tell her child, Second problem what does tell her son about his father , When she was raped in the care home, and the nuns who run the home made sure he was not brought to justice, Sorry about the questions but need some answers please , Thank you michael

 

[Meggie]

I’m sure there are plenty of situations like this out there. The mom should tell the son she was in a care home and while she felt capable of caring for him, they did not feel she was, and he was put up for and he was put up for adoption. This, after the son is 21+ years old, mind you…don’t go telling a 15yo this. Even an 18yo is quite young to hear disturbing info. The son musn’t be made to feel that any orginization was “evil” or somehow he was saved and his mom left behind. Insted the focus should be on how he’s lived his life, how much mom prays, and that the adoptive parents (who I assume have no fault in this) are respected. Remember, no matter the biological bond, this young man (I assume) has had a life and has been raised (lets hope well) and probably cares a great deal for his adoptive parents. Do not make the wrong be a reason why they shouldn’t matter. Just like the mom does and will always matter, so do they.

Second, about how his life came to be. There are many psycologists that have had to help answer that questions for mom’s all over the world. I’d suggest that the mom go to a psychologist dealing in family adoptive situations. It’d be especally good if the son was involved so here could be a decision made as to his mental health vs his need to find out who he is.

 

[michaelmac]

Meggie Thank you for your reply,I hope it can help what you have writen, I know the second part will be very help full, thank you once again,

 

[chevalier]

How about dealing with the situation on appropriate levels? Making sure the rapist gets prosecuted if the crime is not yet expired? Making sure that whoever made sure he wasn’t prosecuted, gets prosecuted also? How about making sure such people no longer work with those whom they are supposed to protect?

Siding with rapists is not acceptable. Obstruction of justice is a crime. A crime is a crime, no matter who commits it.

 

[gmarie21]

Tell the biological child the truth. All of us adoptees weren’t born of pleasant situations. I know that I don’t blame my biological family for anything and other adoptees feel as I do.

 

[michaelmac]

How about dealing with the situation on appropriate levels? Making sure the rapist gets prosecuted if the crime is not yet expired? Making sure that whoever made sure he wasn’t prosecuted, gets prosecuted also? How about making sure such people no longer work with those whom they are supposed to protect?

Siding with rapists is not acceptable. Obstruction of justice is a crime. A crime is a crime, no matter who commits it.

I agree with what you have writen, But my main concern was for every one involved now, Meggie gave me some thing i believe will help a lot and have already given her advice to my friend Sue and she says thank you. And would like to thank the mods for puting the post in the right place, I will let every one know how it goes yours michael

 

[abb]

Everyone deserves the right to know the truth about how they came to be. Be sure to be straightforward and truthful when telling the child what has happen, the above suggestions on how and when are great. Remember, the truth!

 

[michaelmac]

Everyone deserves the right to know the truth about how they came to be. Be sure to be straightforward and truthful when telling the child what has happen, the above suggestions on how and when are great. Remember, the truth!

This is about the truth not name calling or blaming, Sue has other children and they are so looking forward to seeing their big brother, They have had hardly any sleep, They are so exited, From What Sue has been told about him he is very like her Daughters in looks and temprement, I wrote the story how it was so if any advice was forth coming Sue would deal with it properly, Thank you once again for reading and helping to try and sort this out, W is coming on Saturday so i will give you the news when i get it, I know every one of you will want this to have a great ending so do i Yours michael

 

[DAWNCUROLE]

I am the mother of an adopted child from a similar situation. we have always told our son that while his mother loved him she was unable to care for him at that time. We make a point of praying for his biological family. There are issues surrounding his father that while he may have the right to know at some point, because of psychological factors that make it a bad idea at the present time. We have spoken with his therapist, pyschatrist, our pastor, and prayed alot. I have no intention of keeping the truth from him but he needs to be told in God’s time not our time. Just keep that in mind. My prayers go out that God’s hand will guide the situation.

 

[duskyjewel]

Honestly, I don’t think it benefits any child, regardless of age, to know that he is the result of a violent violation of a woman. I think I would keep that part of it private. It could cause so many self-worth issues…

About the unwilling adoption thing, just explain that as it being a different time then, and thank God those things have changed.

 

[michaelmac]

Sue has always wanted to see her son grow up, It mattered to her she wa raped, But what was and is more important, She has never stooped loving that baby, Yous michael

 

[duskyjewel]

I am sure it did matter to her that she was raped…how could it not? And to be further violated by people who were supposed to help her…awful!

BUT not all truth needs to be spoken. Some crosses are ours to bear, and it is wrong to pass them on to others. I just think it would cause so much damage to a person to know that they came from rape that, as painful as it may be for the mother, she should keep that to herself. Some people use the excuse of “telling the truth” to go spreading their pain around inappropriately. And it will not lessen her pain any, it will only cause new pain to the son and multiply the bad effects of the original rape way beyond where they had to go.

 

[Nordar]

I am praying for Sue and her son hope all goes well!

 

[gmarie21]

I am sure it did matter to her that she was raped…how could it not? And to be further violated by people who were supposed to help her…awful!

BUT not all truth needs to be spoken. Some crosses are ours to bear, and it is wrong to pass them on to others. I just think it would cause so much damage to a person to know that they came from rape that, as painful as it may be for the mother, she should keep that to herself. Some people use the excuse of “telling the truth” to go spreading their pain around inappropriately. And it will not lessen her pain any, it will only cause new pain to the son and multiply the bad effects of the original rape way beyond where they had to go.

I disagree with you. I am in contact with my biological family and eventually the truth comes out (trust me) and it would be better for her biological adult child to know the whole truth than to find out eventually from the slip up of someone related to “Sue”. I would not underestimate the ability for an adult biological child to handle the truth. Heck, until I met my biological family every possible scenario for how I came about (including rape) went through my mind (as it does for every adopted child I know) so I don’t think Sue’s biological son would be too shocked. I think him being taken away from Sue would be more of a shock to him and if he’s Catholic, would make him question his faith a lot more.