advice please

[beth42862]

Hello all,
My husband and I seperated a while back,Got a civil divorce,but then decided not to get an annulment and try to reconcile.We are back together and things are a lot better.However…one of the problems my husband has always had is an explosive temper due to anxiety (which hes been told he needs to be on medication for but still isnt) Anyway,the problem is that when he gets mad while we are argueing about something,his tongue goes wild…I am called the most vile names,also that im stupid,and he will also say when our son grows up,hes leaving… I believe that is mental abuse! I pray and pray but wanted to turn to the forum for advice. Its very hurtful and damaging when he does this and I know it stems from his childhood and its his own issue that he needs to fix. But how much am I supposed to tolerate? Besides my mental health,our sons mental health is even more important! And for him to hear his Father call me the names that he does is just so wrong…Any advice would help.Thank you so much. Beth

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hello all,
My husband and I seperated a while back,Got a civil divorce,but then decided not to get an annulment and try to reconcile.We are back together and things are a lot better.However…one of the problems my husband has always had is an explosive temper due to anxiety (which hes been told he needs to be on medication for but still isnt) Anyway,the problem is that when he gets mad while we are argueing about something,his tongue goes wild…I am called the most vile names,also that im stupid,and he will also say when our son grows up,hes leaving… I believe that is mental abuse! I pray and pray but wanted to turn to the forum for advice. Its very hurtful and damaging when he does this and I know it stems from his childhood and its his own issue that he needs to fix. But how much am I supposed to tolerate? Besides my mental health,our sons mental health is even more important! And for him to hear his Father call me the names that he does is just so wrong…Any advice would help.Thank you so much. Beth

You need marital counseling, and he needs individual counseling. You might not be able to reconcile with this man, he needs help, and is influencing his son in bad ways. Please call Catholic Charities - they offer counseling on a sliding scale.

 

[R_C]

Hello all,
My husband and I seperated a while back,Got a civil divorce,but then decided not to get an annulment and try to reconcile.We are back together and things are a lot better.

This is the most extraordinary feat of love I’ve seen in a while. It is a great blessing that many wish they had. Do not forget that. Much has been given to you, because you were willing to endure much. You both showed willing to fulfill your freely exchanged vows:

to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part

an explosive temper due to anxiety (which hes been told he needs to be on medication for but still isnt… know it stems from his childhood and its his own issue that he needs to fix.

Obviously he is ill. He needs help. He needs medicine, but above all else he needs your help. He cannot do this without you. As his wife, you are God’s main instrument for his help, sanctification, and salvation. Help him. When he hurts you, remember that he is, in a sense, as those who during possession curse Christ without really meaning to. Remember that he loves you, even if this is not visible. Remember, when the lights go off and all seems darkness, that in that darkness there is a beauty that can make angels cry, and that only because at that time you cannot see it, it does not mean it is not there.

Anyway,the problem is that when he gets mad while we are argueing about something

It takes two to argue. Perhaps you also need to work on adapting your behavior to his illness, besides working on getting him treated for his illness. I know discussions can seem unavoidable, but I also know from personal experience that sometimes we must offer someone an environment that is somewhat free from the possibility of argument, even if it means agreeing when inside we disagree.

how much am I supposed to tolerate?

“As many times as you want God to forgive you.”

Besides my mental health,our sons mental health is even more important! And for him to hear his Father call me the names that he does is just so wrong.

True. But your husband’s mental health is also important. And your son needs more than tranquillity. He needs a father and a mother. He needs to know that the word of Christ, “they are no longer two but one”, is not a lie, because if it were, then Christ would not be God but a liar. He needs to know that the vow of matrimony, “for better and for worse, till death do us part”, is not a lie, because if it were, then matrimony is not a Sacrament but a man-made path towards pain and sorrow that should be avoided.

You are doing a heroic effort, both of you but you especially, for the love of God and for your son. Don’t give up and trust in the living God who will give the necessary grace to overcome everything.

Do seek help from your priest, and probably counseling from a Catholic psychologist would also help (the Church definitely has resources for such a situation).

 

[bsroufek]

Whether or not you stay with him, and whether or not your husband gets treatment, you are obligated to speak privately with your son and explain to him that what his Dad does isn’t normal.

Your son needs to know what is normal and healthy and good. I’ve seen kids grow up thinking that abuse was normal and became abusive themselves.

This talk with your son is most important. And don’t forget to keep praying, which I’m sure you do.

 

[jjkadavil]

Hello all,
My husband and I seperated a while back,Got a civil divorce,but then decided not to get an annulment and try to reconcile.We are back together and things are a lot better.However…one of the problems my husband has always had is an explosive temper due to anxiety (which hes been told he needs to be on medication for but still isnt) Anyway,the problem is that when he gets mad while we are argueing about something,his tongue goes wild…I am called the most vile names,also that im stupid,and he will also say when our son grows up,hes leaving… I believe that is mental abuse! I pray and pray but wanted to turn to the forum for advice. Its very hurtful and damaging when he does this and I know it stems from his childhood and its his own issue that he needs to fix. But how much am I supposed to tolerate? Besides my mental health,our sons mental health is even more important! And for him to hear his Father call me the names that he does is just so wrong…Any advice would help.Thank you so much. Beth

Only one answer…Pray to our Father in Heaven. He will direct you to His Son. And His Son will send to you His Holy Spirit with His blessings to find peace which is Jesus Himself.
Lets not be judgemental. Lets not much focus on what happens after he gets anxious. Based on your explanation it should be something much more than just an anxiety attack. He seems to be reaching to a level of identifying himself to his anxiety and what happens from then is done by his anxiety. Enable him to understand he is different from his anxiety and he will still be able to think separately, keeping his anxiety aside.
Please do not think about medications at this stage. Medications just block our neurotransmitters and make us unaware of those triggering factors. Understand, being unaware doesn’t mean the problem is solved. Also definitely medications do not have intelligence. It will also affect other aspects of our thinking resulting a mess gradually. We get adapted to medications always and the dosage increases always, then side effects…messss…
Please be empathetic and may you be able to find the triggering factor of his anxiety. Depends on how old the triggering factor is, it can be unconscious, semi conscious or conscious. You may need to seek professional help if it is too old and if your husband is unable to explain it.
Let our Holy Spirit heal him there, shower His peace upon him. You or any professional can be the tools in His hands. His presence is still in between you that’s the reason you are together. God bless…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Whether or not you stay with him, and whether or not your husband gets treatment, you are obligated to speak privately with your son and explain to him that what his Dad does isn’t normal.

Your son needs to know what is normal and healthy and good. I’ve seen kids grow up thinking that abuse was normal and became abusive themselves.

This talk with your son is most important. And don’t forget to keep praying, which I’m sure you do.

She can talk to her son all she likes - it’s what his dad is DOING that will impact the son more than words. That’s his role model, that’s his paradigm of what a man is, and he’s absorbing those lessons without a word being spoken, just through the attitude his father carries toward his mother. This man needs immediate intervention, not the OP trying to counter those negative messages. Also, her staying and taking the abuse is a powerful negative message as well.

 

[Auntie_A]

Please go to your library or bookstore and find the book: The Mood Cure by Julia Ross, a nutritionist. Have everyone in your family take the tests at the beginning of the book, study the appropriate chapters and then read about nutritional supplements that diminish the symptoms. Talk with your doctor, of course, but these solutions are pretty gentle and effective in dealing with anxiety. And those who won’t take pills might agree to take nutritional supplements instead.

Also, try to find a NAMI family support group.

I think the danger in doing what we call “the right thing” by staying in the abusive home is that we don’t do much more than accomodate the person.

At the first negotiation we should make sure that person agrees to conditions that require they be responsible for their mental health AND if they fail, we need to lay out the consequences. We should have present trusted family members or friends or a professional counsellor/priest to witness the terms and to be consulted when the behavior starts up again.

IT IS POSSIBLE for your son to see that his father’s behavior is not to be emulated but he needs the detachment to achieve that. Again, a family support group would help him see that others are dealing with a broken parent. It is very important for him to know that this is not normal parent behavior. Everyone needs to step back and look at family problems clearly.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

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Inform your Husband he is to see your Parish Priest and attend Reconciliation weekly; try and get him to attend through the working week too as from experience its the way to go.

I have three (possibly more) family members who suffer from anxiety; Jesus and Our Lady Mary are interceding in all of their Lives since both have been praying daily and attending Mass and Reconciliation regularly their anxiety has decreased and Jesus pushed them along to receive help with this condition.

With the male suffering from anxiety on my Dad’s side; praying The Holy Rosary daily and attending Mass and Reconciliation during the working week has turned his Life around in terms of few outbursts of anger and insults directed at Family or people. All as a result of anxiety. I know exactly what you are going through as I’ve lived it in my parents generation with family members and lived it in my married life waiting for a humorous comment here that I may have caused the anxiety! In my opinion it appears to be genetic.

Mentally make Jesus’ Sign of His Cross looking at your Husband when he starts the anger and quick temper stuff, then walk out of the room praying The Our Father to Jesus and Mother Mary for your Hubby to cease the dreadful behaviour and to be truly remorseful. If he does the sulking and silent treatment; let him go, say nothing and keep busy until he comes around contrite or sweet again. Ensure he apologises for the behaviour. One of my family members has learned the hard way and no-one will be around her while she continues to leave the major stressors in her life and refused to deal with the anxiety. Always there for her; however not tolerating it.

Jesus and Our Lady Mary are healing them and have left it in Our Lord’s Hands in which He is removing it!

The following is working for both of them;

Praying The Holy Rosaries:
Attending Mass and Reconciliation twice a week and The Holy Rosary group within their Parishes
Handing everything over to Jesus and Our Lady Mary
Exercising a couple of times a day
Visiting a Counsellor or Psychologist for strategies
Keeping busy with non stressful tasks or interests that are not placing pressure upon them in their own minds
Removing the major stressors in their lives bit by bit
Reading relaxes both of them greatly - hand your Husband the Bible and some Christian based books or a few best sellers that are not blasphemous or filthy.

 

[Falco]

GO - get your son and get away from this man.

I am a child of a marriage like this, and is has affected my whole life. I used to pray from my mother to take me away from the abuse. I saw her destroyed. I was myself damaged.

 

[Aggies08]

You are not required to tolerate any abuse, and especially with a son watching on… this will train him to think that type of interaction between men and women is normal. Telling him it is not won’t override what he sees in “real life.”

You certainly can set boundaries that if XYZ happen again, you will be living separately/conditions on getting back together/etc.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I agree that you should leave this man. It isn’t going to get any better. For your own sake, and that of your child’s future, get out. This isn’t acceptable except for the air head that suggest you stay. You got a civil divorce, now go ahead and get an annulment. It can be done by just you. Well, with a bit of help.

I went through the annulment process several years ago, and it was faily painless. My ex was abusive as well, and I’m so glad that I am no longer in contact with him. Apparently when he got his paperwork on the annulment (he still had to fill out some papers, as did a few "witnesses, he had a hissy fit. And that’s putting it mildly.

 

[maryjk]

It takes two to argue. Perhaps you also need to work on adapting your behavior to his illness, besides working on getting him treated for his illness. I know discussions can seem unavoidable, but I also know from personal experience that sometimes we must offer someone an environment that is somewhat free from the possibility of argument, even if it means agreeing when inside we disagree.

I cannot believe you have just blamed this woman for the abuse she is receiving.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

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God’s Spirit is in my heart,
He has called me and set me apart.
This is what I have to do,
what I have to do.

He sent me to give the Good News to the poor,
Tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more,
Tell blind people that they can see,
And set the downtrodden free
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come,
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come.

Just as the Father sent me,
So I’m sending you out to be
My witnesses throughout the world,
The whole of the world.

Don’t worry what you have to say,
Don’t worry because on that day
God’s Spirit will speak in your heart,
Will speak in your heart.

 

[Pablopedro]

Hello all,
My husband and I seperated a while back,Got a civil divorce,but then decided not to get an annulment and try to reconcile.We are back together and things are a lot better.However…one of the problems my husband has always had is an explosive temper due to anxiety (which hes been told he needs to be on medication for but still isnt) Anyway,the problem is that when he gets mad while we are argueing about something,his tongue goes wild…I am called the most vile names,also that im stupid,and he will also say when our son grows up,hes leaving… I believe that is mental abuse! I pray and pray but wanted to turn to the forum for advice. Its very hurtful and damaging when he does this and I know it stems from his childhood and its his own issue that he needs to fix. But how much am I supposed to tolerate? Besides my mental health,our sons mental health is even more important! And for him to hear his Father call me the names that he does is just so wrong…Any advice would help.Thank you so much. Beth

I suffer from anxiety and sometimes have a bit of a temper but in 8 years of marriage have never once called my wife a name, or cussed at her. Don’t just think of this in terms of anxiety he also doesn’t or doesn’t know how to respect you. You need to find a good Catholic counselor and give him a fair and honest ultimatum to either change his behavior and go with you to counseling, or pack his bags.