Advice: RE, going to Japan

[Cristiano]

You don’t think her child will be happy and content with his father?

No! A 2.5 y/o needs both parents but foremost the mother. Attachment disorders are usually established at young ages. Try to think of a child has been breast fed until 2 y/o and still sleeping in bed with his mom and then finding himself without her for 2 weeks. To me that is an unnecessary trauma.

 

[rayne89]

No! A 2.5 y/o needs both parents but foremost the mother. Attachment disorders are usually established at young ages. Try to think of a child has been breast fed until 2 y/o and still sleeping in bed with his mom and then finding himself without her for 2 weeks. To me that is an unnecessary trauma.

Well you certainly are entitled to your opinion. This has not been my experience. I think was the OP is doing is a wonderful thing, and I think her son will be perfectly fine with his daddy.

 

[shannyk]

No! A 2.5 y/o needs both parents but foremost the mother. Attachment disorders are usually established at young ages. Try to think of a child has been breast fed until 2 y/o and still sleeping in bed with his mom and then finding himself without her for 2 weeks. To me that is an unnecessary trauma.

Oh my goodness, this is really overboard. If you want to assert that leaving a child in the care of his own father for 12 days is going to traumatize him for life you’d better back it up with some facts.

The OP has already decided shes going and feels at peace with her decision. And I have no doubt she and her wee one will both be fine.

 

[pia]

Lizziebits something you mentioned in you’re op, you said you have never been afraid of flying or travelling, i was wondering is it since you had you’re child that you have developed this fear or has it something to do with the resent event of the rio to paris flight. I myself am terrified of flying always have been, you said you are terrified you will die on the plane, this is me every time i get on a plane. We are going on holiday in five weeks time and i am so not looking forward to it, my husband and my daughters aged 20&18 don’t understand my fear but thats the way i am, so i make myself get on that plane so my girls and 2 boys don’t miss out.From the minute i get on the plane i pray and don’t stop until we have landed and thank God for getting us there safely, thats the only advice i can give you with regards to flying.With regards to you’re son, us mums like to think our children would be lost without us, no one can take care of them like we can , of course this is because of our love for them. You’re son will be ok, I think it is a good thing for children to have some time with their dads without us mums interfering, and i am sure afterwards you’re husband will appreciate more just what you do for both him and you’re son.I hope some of this helps you out, and if you decide to go let us know when, and when you are due to fly home and i am sure there will be lots of prayers for you to have a safe journey. God bless

 

[Cristiano]

Oh my goodness, this is really overboard. If you want to assert that leaving a child in the care of his own father for 12 days is going to traumatize him for life you’d better back it up with some facts.

The OP has already decided shes going and feels at peace with her decision. And I have no doubt she and her wee one will both be fine.

I am not saying that being with a father would be a trauma for a child. It is the extended absence of a constantly present mother that will affect him. A trauma is a trauma, and at that age is for life. It can have a minimal or major impact on the individual but I think that it is naive to discount it. I hope that in his case it will have a minimal impact.

 

[Jennifer_J]

The sister in law is not going to be left at the park with a basket of cold cuts and a cell phone, she will be with the husband and infrastructure support.

I really question how people set priorities.

The SIL has no infrastructure support…did you miss the fact that she’s in Japan w/no one but her dh. While that’s good enough for some women, others need MUCH more support postpartem, esp those dealing with severe PP depression.

You can question everyone’s priorities all you want, but there is nothing morally questionable about leaving a 2 year old or ANY OTHER BABY OR CHILD with it’s own father. Give me a big break.

 

[Catholic1954]

Go! I was ALL ALONE when my husband was in the Navy and we were in Japan. We lived off base and I did not know anyone, speak or read the language or have a car. Your 2.5 year child will survive and not recall a few weeks while you are out of town, but your sister will always remember that you were there for her. Bring your rosary on the plane and ask God to send his angels to protect you and the rest of the passengers on the flight. Japan is beatiful.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

There seems to be 2 dilemma’s here.

1. SIL in Japan needs post-partum help, OP wants to help.
2. Two year old needs mommy, Mommy feels torn about leaving.

My question is, is the OP the only person who could provide help for SIL? Could anyone else take her place? It is far (Japan), it isn’t as if she were going to the next state.

I have been a mom for almost 8 years. I’ve only been away from my kids for an occasional sleep over at grandparents, short week-end trips, and hospital stays when babies 2 and 3 were born. Just my own experience DS1 was almost 3 when his sister was born, and me being in the hospital was traumatic for him, and he got to visit me.

It is absolutely wonderful that the OP would want to help, but it wouldn’t at all be wrong if someone took her place.

 

[lizziebits]

Oops! Didn’t notice all the new replies.

Cristiano – I know you are trying to make a point. And I’m not saying that my going away for 12 days will not be difficult to my son. I think where you are making your mistake is saying that my priorities are wrong, or that my son will form an attachment disorder from a separation for 12 days.

My family is of course my number one priority, and right now my son is typically the one with the highest level of need on a day to day basis. What I think you are missing here is that I’ve decided that there is a strong possibility that for a brief time my sister in law needs will be higher and less able to be met then my son’s. While my son generally prefers me meeting his needs, he has a whole host of other people who are thrilled to meet those needs. My SIL, on the other hand, will shortly have a whole need set of very pressing needs, and only her husband (who works, in the Air Force) to meet them. It’s not like I’m deciding to go a 2 week trip to Europe with her just for kicks while my son stays with his great aunt Bethel who he has met only once.

I think it’s fair enough to say that in your estimation my son’s needs still outweigh my SIL needs. However, you have to admit that there is the possibility that at 2.5, there are scenarios that could come up that would warrant a mother leaving her child for 12 days.

pia – thanks for the advice! I think my anxiety more comes from generalized anxiety I’ve been feeling over the past year or so, which I think is the remnant of some PPD. I’m working on the overall anxiety, because its soooo night fun!

Jennifer J – Thanks! I can see you’ve realized the crux of the issue.

Catholic1954 – I give you so much credit for doing all that. I personally shudder at the thought of being so far away from family and friends, and am glad it seems God’s plan for us currently involves being minutes away from both.

 

[lizziebits]

MaryGail – I think you’ve summed it up nicely. Unfortunately, at this point, I really am the only one who can make the trip.

Like I said, I feel peace with my decision, but it is still enjoyable to hash it out as I always enjoy a good discussion!

 

[pia]

lizziebets, from you’re previous post you seem so much more sure and confident of your decision to go to you’re sil than when you first posted, good for you. Your sil is very lucky to have you and i am sure she will appreciate what you are doing for her,don’t forget to post round about the time when you are going so we can offer up prayers for you .

God bless

 

[lizziebits]

Pia,

Yes, God gave me a great sense of peace yesterday, which is wonderful thing He is quite faithful!

Liz

 

[kage_ar]

Liz - last night I dreamed that I was going to Japan with a friend Guess you were on my mind then. Anyway, in the dream it was a lovely trip and I saw some beautiful scenery.

 

[lizziebits]

Kage –

Too funny! I have heard it’s beautiful, and they are on Okinawa, which is basically a tropical island.

Oh, and, you were probably having the dream right around when she went into labor! I got a call from my MIL that she went into labor last night in the middle of the night. I haven’t heard anything more yet though!

 

[kage_ar]

Prayers!!

 

[purplesunshine]

I’ve studied neurology and I’m cringing at the fact some are telling a mom that a 2-week, non-negletful absence will traumatize a child for life.
It may, and probably will, cause some initial anxiety, but most small children live in the moment. He will have plenty of people to assure him mommy will come back, and she is. He’s not going to suffer malnutrition or sensory deprivation. Infact, at 2.5 he may enjoy living with just daddy a bit too much. Daddies tend not to worry about getting really scrubbed in baths, eating too much candy, watching too much TV. My 1.5 year old neighbor has a mom who has to attened weekend conferences. Dad and extended relatives fill in. It has never caused a single attachment problem in her, and the little screamer knows she can get away with alot more…

Things that cause attachment disorders, which can really only be created in the first 3 years…after that its an anxiety disorder in ordinarily healthy families are things like traumatic hospital stays where the parents have to leave and cannot hold a child, materinal ppd, head trauma, deployment of father after initial contact, (eg a child born while a father is at war will fare better than a child who’s 8mo’s when a father leaves), multiple births, nutrition issues, and death/seperation from a secondary caregiver (grandma, aunt, uncle, etc).

Although this is akin to deployment where she has to go away, its not at all like it in the fact she can call, and there is no resilant adult anxiety about when/if she’ll return.

 

[Cristiano]

I’ve studied neurology and I’m cringing at the fact some are telling a mom that a 2-week, non-negletful absence will traumatize a child for life…

What does neurology have anything to do with the discussion? I understand that some mental illnesses are believed to be neurological disorders affecting the central nervous system. However, there is quite a big difference between a psychological issue and a mental illness induced by neurological diseases.

 

[purplesunshine]

What does neurology have anything to do with the discussion? I understand that some mental illnesses are believed to be neurological disorders affecting the central nervous system. However, there is quite a big difference between a psychological issue and a mental illness induced by neurological diseases.

Attachment disorders are diagnosed with the help of brain scans. Severe attachment disorders are created in early childhood when certian parts of the brain that are supposed to be developing wither up and die. They are unrecoverable. A person can be trained with therepy to use other parts of the brain, but their brain structure will never be normal.
I agree that there is a difference…thats why in medical circles attachment disorder happen while the brain is in its initial development and anxiety disorders happen during that time and after it, but attachment problems (again in some circles) don’t happen with a, say, healthy 5 year old. Their brain already has the right chemestry, although things can happen to disturb that…but they have the potential. A child with an attachment disorder looses that potential, and loads of therepy has to happen before they can live a normal life.

 

[flyingfish]

No! A 2.5 y/o needs both parents but foremost the mother. Attachment disorders are usually established at young ages. Try to think of a child has been breast fed until 2 y/o and still sleeping in bed with his mom and then finding himself without her for 2 weeks. To me that is an unnecessary trauma.

This is crazy, my mother got very sick when I was 3 which is not that much older than 2.5 and she was in the hospital for a month or more and I never visited her during that time. I don’t even really remember it, and only really know about it because my parents told me it happened. My dad took care of me during that time, and I turned out just fine.

Her 2.5 year old is not going to develop attachment disorders if he is with his dad for 2 weeks. Attachment disorders is what happens when kids are in understaffed orphanages laying in cots without being touched or talked to by anyone.

 

[Feanor2]

Go! I was ALL ALONE when my husband was in the Navy and we were in Japan. We lived off base and I did not know anyone, speak or read the language or have a car. Your 2.5 year child will survive and not recall a few weeks while you are out of town, but your sister will always remember that you were there for her. Bring your rosary on the plane and ask God to send his angels to protect you and the rest of the passengers on the flight. Japan is beatiful.

Yes- Japan is beautiful- Have a great time. Have some excellent sea food!!

And have some fruit- it is so much better than what we get in the US!!

I love Japan. . . and miss it. . .

P.S. I am a therapist (LCSW) believe me- children are resilient and your child will love spending time with her Daddy- saying this as a new father of a three week old DD!