Advice re Neice's visit

[Anna_Weber]

Has anyone else had this experience?

My niece now 17 year old niece Jessica stayed with me last summer for 2 months. Her parents (my Catholic brother and non-religious sister-in-law) are good people but not deep into their faith as I am. By this I do not mean that I am any more holy. Just that they are not regular church goers though Jessica has been attending church and praying for a few years.

I have always had a good relationship with Jessica and we have often shared the faith together. While she stayed with me, we prayed together, went to Church together, did Bible study together and we also discussed her vocation and the need for her to remain pure. It was, I think, a valuable time in her and my own life and I know Jessica is now discerning her vocation and has also turned her back on many of the temptations of modern life for young people.

However, I now have my sister-in-law accusing me of trying to make her daughter into a “religious freak” and that Jessica has been “affected” by staying with me. My sister-in-law has made my relationship with my brother quite difficult and I understand that Jessica’s devotional life is sometimes criticised by her mother.

Has anyone else had this happen to them?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

When I converted at the age of 16 my father and his mother started accusing everybody remotely religious of being a bad influence on me and of brainwashing me. People who are not religious or are a bit superficial in their relationship with God simply don’t understand these things. Your SIL is struggling to understand what is going on and needs someone to blame. It is that simple.

What does your niece have to say? Is she happy to stay with you again? Is her mother likely to forbid it? If that happens, pray for the girl and let her know she can count on you for support.

 

[severus68]

Has anyone else had this experience?

My niece now 17 year old niece Jessica stayed with me last summer for 2 months. Her parents (my Catholic brother and non-religious sister-in-law) are good people but not deep into their faith as I am. By this I do not mean that I am any more holy. Just that they are not regular church goers though Jessica has been attending church and praying for a few years.

I have always had a good relationship with Jessica and we have often shared the faith together. While she stayed with me, we prayed together, went to Church together, did Bible study together and we also discussed her vocation and the need for her to remain pure. It was, I think, a valuable time in her and my own life and I know Jessica is now discerning her vocation and has also turned her back on many of the temptations of modern life for young people.

However, I now have my sister-in-law accusing me of trying to make her daughter into a “religious freak” and that Jessica has been “affected” by staying with me. My sister-in-law has made my relationship with my brother quite difficult and I understand that Jessica’s devotional life is sometimes criticised by her mother.

Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I am sorry, but from your thread, you appear to be thinking and saying that only you can teach your niece and ‘save’ her. Perhaps you should have talked to her parents first?

 

[admonsta]

She’s 17, about to become 18. In Australia, 18 is legally adult. If her father is Catholic, then he really has a responsibility to teach her the faith, and his wife should be aware of that. That’s the ideal, but if he is passive in his faith, then I guess his wife has the greater control. I don’t think you were overstepping the mark - she is already interested in her faith.

Her mother, being not religious, probably sees a great waste in her daughter devoting lots of time to these things. It’s in the same vein as if a non-Catholic’s son decides to be a priest. What a waste of a life, eh? No grandkids, no millions of dollars, no fame.

I don’t see that there’s anything you can do about this except to pray for all involved, and be willing to help your niece whenever she needs you.

I don’t know whether you should go against the mother’s wishes if she expressly forbids you from guiding your niece. I really don’t know. If she was a legal adult then I say go for it, but as a minor, I don’t know. It would be sad to think that you couldn’t help to form her during this time when she’s really interested.

 

[Cryptic1]

Has anyone else had this experience?

My niece now 17 year old niece Jessica stayed with me last summer for 2 months. Her parents (my Catholic brother and non-religious sister-in-law) are good people but not deep into their faith as I am. By this I do not mean that I am any more holy. Just that they are not regular church goers though Jessica has been attending church and praying for a few years.

I have always had a good relationship with Jessica and we have often shared the faith together. While she stayed with me, we prayed together, went to Church together, did Bible study together and we also discussed her vocation and the need for her to remain pure. It was, I think, a valuable time in her and my own life and I know Jessica is now discerning her vocation and has also turned her back on many of the temptations of modern life for young people.

However, I now have my sister-in-law accusing me of trying to make her daughter into a “religious freak” and that Jessica has been “affected” by staying with me. My sister-in-law has made my relationship with my brother quite difficult and I understand that Jessica’s devotional life is sometimes criticised by her mother.

Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I agree that perhaps you ought to have made sure that your brother and sister in law understood what “Jessica’s visit” with you would entail. While I see nothing wrong with your taking her to church (as your brother is Catholic), you may have crossed the line in the bible studies, discussion of vocation (which was between Jessica and her parents) and the issue of Jessica’s virtue. While you were well meaning, your actions appear to have backfired as your sister in law seems to have taken a strong stance against you.

Parents have the authority to raise their children the way they want and as long as they are not abusive in any way, you have to leave it to them. While you and Jessica seem to have a special relationship, you still need to respect and honor the fact that she is just your niece, not your daughter, and that her parents have the final say.

At this point, it seems your sister in law has a lot of pull and what she says goes. I’m not sure if the relationship between you and your brother and Jessica will ever be the same again, but I certainly would heed your sister in law’s wishes, though you may not agree with them.

Lastly, pray to the Holy Spirit to guide you through this trying time. Also, pray for your brother and sister in law, that they may see the light. Every situation, good or bad, can always be used by God for good.

God Bless

 

[Hokomai]

Parents should respect the right of their children (and nieces and nephews) to make their own decisions about religion, and about not having a religion. They should not use their position of authority to influence the child one way or another.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Parents have the authority to raise their children the way they want and as long as they are not abusive in any way, you have to leave it to them. While you and Jessica seem to have a special relationship, you still need to respect and honor the fact that she is just your niece, not your daughter, and that her parents have the final say.

Surely Jessica’s parents knew about the OP’s beliefs before allowing their daughter to spend time with her for 2 months. Jessica is obviously keen to deepen her spiritual life and she found someone to talk to. I doubt that the OP could have influenced her if she hadn’t been open to discussing faith in the first place. Why and how did the OP overstepped her boundaries? Is Jessica a small child? Should she ask her parents’ permission to have conversations with other people?

 

[severus68]

Surely Jessica’s parents knew about the OP’s beliefs before allowing their daughter to spend time with her for 2 months. Jessica is obviously keen to deepen her spiritual life and she found someone to talk to. I doubt that the OP could have influenced her if she hadn’t been open to discussing faith in the first place. Why and how did the OP overstepped her boundaries? Is Jessica a small child? Should she ask her parents’ permission to have conversations with other people?

Knowing about the OP’s beliefs is one thing, thinking she was going to influence her ( a minor) about vocations etc is quite another thing. The OP is not Jessica’s parent. It was not just about encouraging and accompanying her to mass.

 

[mandajane]

From the way OP worded the first post, it came off to me that her niece was already religious and discerning a vocation before coming to visit her, and happily participated in these things with her aunt during her visit. I don’t think the aunt forced anything on her.

As far as people thinking you’re a “religious freak”, I get that all the time. I’ve also been accused of “brainwashing” friends of mine after we have a long religious talk. It’s just a cross you have to bear, being devout in a secular world.

Like PPs have said, people who aren’t religious, or are only superficially so, do not like being confronted with real devotion, and they don’t see being a priest or nun as a “real” life. They would rather see their child get married, have children, and be someone they can brag about at parties. If you’re not religious, and none of your friends are religious, it’s kind of a mood killer when you say, “My daughter’s a nun.”

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Knowing about the OP’s beliefs is one thing, thinking she was going to influence her ( a minor) about vocations etc is quite another thing. The OP is not Jessica’s parent. It was not just about encouraging and accompanying her to mass.

I’m inclined to agree. If my 17 year old wants to go to church, pray, etc I would not have an issue with a family member taking her.

However, no one is going to talk about “purity” with my child. Instilling values and talking about sex are my job. I would hit the roof if someone did that. You just do not talk about sex with someone else’s child without express permission from the parent.

As for vocation, if I found out that someone was encouraging my daughter to look at convents they wouldn’t be around my child again until she was 18. Same if she is being told to look at non cloistered orders before college.

Yeah, there were some lines that were crossed here.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Like PPs have said, people who aren’t religious, or are only superficially so, do not like being confronted with real devotion, and they don’t see being a priest or nun as a “real” life. They would rather see their child get married, have children, and be someone they can brag about at parties. If you’re not religious, and none of your friends are religious, it’s kind of a mood killer when you say, “My daughter’s a nun.”

That’s not it at all, and you made a lot of uncharitable assumptions about non religious people. Bragging rights have absolutely nothing to do with it. If my daughter wants to be a nun, I will support her 100% as long as she has gone to college and used those few years to discover more about herself.

But at 17 no one in our extended family should encourage that. I have a soon to be SIL who has been in a convent for 4 years. I see how that has affected the family and how huge of a decision that was for her. If that’s something my daughter wants I’ll help her. But it isn’t an aunt’s place at all.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

When you say “we discussed her vocation”, do you mean that you discussed how to discern a calling to married, religious, or single life, or do you mean you discussed the possibility of her joining a religious order specifically?

I do think that discussions about purity and such should be handled by parents. It sounds like you mean well and you have a good relationship with your niece, and it’s important for teenagers to have good role models and relationships outside of their immediate families. It’s hard to know where the line is, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with discussing your views or the Church’s on vocations and purity. However, when the conversation becomes more personal, you could be overstepping.

It is certainly sad that your niece’s religiosity is not supported by her mother. But I would definitely have a conversation with your sister in law to correct any misconceptions and perhaps apologize if you did indeed overstep your boundaries as an aunt, not a parent. It might give her an opportunity to reconsider her label of “religious freak” as well, which is uncharitable.