Advice sought about my Catholic boyfriend...please

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Suzie_London

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Hello. I am 29 years old. I have been dating a wonderful Catholic man, aged 28, since March 2006.

I am not religious, having said that, I am certainly not against religion and can respect/appreciate people’s desire to have religion in their lives.

My boyfriend’s family are practicing Catholics. He considers himself Catholic too, although he does not follow the teachings to the letter.

What I am confused about is that recently he has been acting strangely. Our usually lovely relationship is going through a rocky patch. I guess this is nothing unusual, however it is the way that he is behaving that is perplexing me. He ignores me. He ignores my phone calls and text messages. He finds it hard to address issues and would rather bury his head in the sand. I have told him how much this hurts and upsets me, so he knows how I feel. He simply does not seem to be bothered. He says that he loves me, so why is he like this? I thought that his Catholic upbringing would teach him to treat people in the way he’d like to be treated, to have consideration, respect and compassion for others?

We had planned to move in together this summer, which I was thrilled about. Recently he has told me that this is not what he wants now. I suspect that his family are not happy about us living together if we are unmarried. I know he is not ready for marriage at the moment, which is not a problem, but he says he doesn’t want to move in with me now because I won’t like his untidyness!

I just do not understand. I thought that having religion was supposed to enrich your life and assist you on the way to become a ‘better’ person.

What do you think? :confused:
 
Hi Suzie 👋

It’s always hard to have answers based on so little information. It is interesting to me why you are connecting his distance from you to his “religion”? It appears probable that this is an issue that has come between you before? Something you have disagreed about?

Have you spoken to him and been honest about your concerns? What was his response?

I don’t think being religious automatically means anything…Except that perhaps you have been in touch with something that some people reject strongly in today’s secular world.
 
Thank you for your response.

I don’t connect his recently odd behaviour with his religion. To the contrary, I would have figured that a young man with a good Catholic upbringing would be more sensitive, more understanding and more compassionate. I am wondering why he is not putting into practice the values that his religion stands for?

I have discussed my feelings and my views with him, in depth. He must understand how much distress his actions (or lack of actions, as the case may be) are causing me.

I did not choose to fall in love with a Catholic man, but thought that it must be a positive element as it would suggest he knows right from wrong and has strong morals and principles. Right now, this simply does not seem to be the case. He is hurting me so much…😦
 
He has told me that work is getting him down at the moment and I know he has financial issues, but he is not forthcoming with sitting down and discussing these problems with me.

I realise that these factors can put strain on a relationship but I want to be his shoulder to cry on and help to support him. Instead he is just distancing himself from me which is dreadfully painful. Having my calls ignored makes me so sad and I cannot understand what he is trying to achieve, apart from reducing me to tears…

There is no reason why our relationship should come to an end, he has not said that’s what he wants and it is certainly not what I want.

I don’t know, perhaps this is the wrong medium for obtaining advice, I guess I just wanted other people’s views.
 
I think if nothing else, sometimes it just helps to get all this out, you know? Type it out and look at it. It’s cheap therapy!

You express a desire to nurture him and help him shoulder the burdens of his worries (which is wonderful of you :)).What do you think he wants from you? It appears to be different from what you are offering, any idea why?

Why does he say he is ignoring your calls?
 
I have asked him what he wants from me and if I am doing anything ‘wrong’. He told me he loves me and wants to be in a realtionship with me. The only thing he could say was ‘wrong’ with me is that I am too organised…he admitted that this was a kind of positive negative. I confess that I do like to know what’s what, but not to a fanatical extent! I just think it makes life a bit easier… I agreed to be slightly less organised. I am more than happy to make compromises with him, that’s what relationships are all about.

He doesn’t seem to know exactly what he wants from me. I am not desperate to marry or have children, I am not by his side 24/7, he has his own friends, I don’t stop him from seeing his family or doing his own thing. I love his family and enjoy taking part in family occassions (including the recent ordination of his Dad). When we are together, we get on really well. We share the same likes and dislikes and have fun together.

He doesn’t go into great detail about why he ignores my calls. He says to try and avoid confrontation. This upsets me as he knows that I am not a confrontational individual. I would rather talk things through and work things out than have a blazing row.

This is why I simply don’t get it…and why haven’t his religious principles kicked in yet?
 
Hi Suzie - if you don’t mind me jumping in…

Sounds like he’s not ready to make a commitment to you yet. This has nothing to do with his religion or how he practices; rather, it’s what he feels he’s ready to do in this relationship.

On the other hand, maybe he’s starting to understand more of his Catholic faith, and he may have second thoughts about moving in with you and living with you as if you were married. This would be considered against Catholic teaching. If this is the case, maybe he’s not able to tell you this straightforward.

I’m assuming that his father was ordained a deacon, correct? Even more so, this may have made him think more about his Faith and how important it is to him. I know someone who’s in the seminary, thanks in part to his parent’s commitment to their faith - his father is also a deacon.

But rather than speculating, try your best to get together with him, sit down, and discuss the issues with him. Tell him that you would appreciate his honesty, and be sincere about it. If the answers do not satisfy you, then maybe it’d be best to leave things be and move on.

I hope this helps. God Bless.
 
Is it possible that some of this behavior was there from the beginning, and that it’s only recently that you’ve noticed it more?
 
Great post Tonks…If he has developed concerns about marriage to a non Catholic, perhaps it might help if you found out a bit about what he believes?
 
Suzie_London said:
I am not religious, having said that, I am certainly not against religion and can respect/appreciate people’s desire to have religion in their lives.
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Suzie, Two people who plan to be married need to share their values, beliefs, and religious practice. It is not enough to both have separate spheres of operation here.

He, as a Catholic, is expected to practice his faith and raise his children Catholic.

You are not a Catholic. How on earth do you expect to have a solid marriage when you don’t agree on something so foundational to the relationship?
Suzie_London said:
What I am confused about is that recently he has been acting strangely. Our usually lovely relationship is going through a rocky patch. I guess this is nothing unusual, however it is the way that he is behaving that is perplexing me. He ignores me. He ignores my phone calls and text messages. He finds it hard to address issues and would rather bury his head in the sand.
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This has nothing to do with his religion. Clearly he is using an avoiding behavior to avoid conflict. This is a *communication *issue.

And, it’s not a good sign of his ability to communicate.

I believe he may have come to the realization that he is going down an unwise path. He is violating the tenets of his faith. If he becomes a fully practicing Catholic-- he will be even more stressed as you do not believe in the tenets of the faith.
Suzie_London said:
We had planned to move in together this summer, which I was thrilled about. Recently he has told me that this is not what he wants now. I suspect that his family are not happy about us living together if we are unmarried.
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Well of course it’s wrong to live together. It’s wrong to have premarital sex, it’s wrong to use contraception. These are basic foundations of the Catholic faith. Why would you expect his parents to just let him sin away without talking to him about it and trying to talk some sense into him?

The fact that you see nothing wrong with living together without marriage is just another indication of how far apart you are. It seems to me perhaps he was being led away from his faith by his relationship with you, and now he is moving back in the other direction.

OR, he’s not but his parents have that much sway over him. Which doesn’t bode well for your future either way.
Suzie_London said:
I know he is not ready for marriage at the moment, which is not a problem,
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He’s not ready for marriage, and that means he’s not ready to move in and play house with you either. What do you think ‘living together’ is all about? Why would you live with someone who is not ready to be married to you?
Suzie_London said:
I just do not understand. I thought that having religion was supposed to enrich your life and assist you on the way to become a ‘better’ person.
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“Religion” is not about giving a group hug. The Catholic faith is about following Christ-- wherever he leads. It is about the path to Heaven.

Living with your girlfriend is a path in the opposite direction.

Suzie-- you come from a completely different frame of reference than he does. He has a different set of values, or at least his family does (and he seems to value their opinion).

I really recommend you find someone with whom you share a worldview. And, let him do the same.

If you are not interested in becoming a Catholic, then move on.
 
Agree with others.

His Dad is now a deacon in the Catholic church. It would cause much scandal to the church parish and hurt and embarass the family if you two indeed moved in together as purity and chastity are tenets of the faith.

Since you are the planning type, perhaps he is avoiding that discussion to spare your feelings - although it isn’t fair to you at all.

Perhaps you both just need a little space and time to consider how you both feel about your commitments. Try not to call him for a period of time - it’s going to be hard - but it may be the catalyst that helps him figure out what he wants in the relationship. Good luck.
 
Hi Suzie,

Welcome to the forums!

It is true, being part of the Catholic Church does enrich your life and assist you on the way to being a better person, it encourage us all to strive to be saints (do no sin), but given the fact that we are imperfect it is not a reflection on the Church but on our own weaknesses if we aren’t what we should be.

With that said, although I understand if it hasn’t made you feel this way, the fact that your boyfriend does not want to move in with you is good. There are many reasons, moral and secular, that it is not a good idea to move in pre-marriage.

The problem is the communication, and this is not something that is fruit of his being Catholic, its just the result of some issues he may have that we here have no way of figuring out.

Your bf may be a great guy, but he is not treating you like you should be treated. You need to talk with him and ask him to be honest with you. If he does not see himself ever marrying you, you need to know. If he is growing closer to his Catholic faith, he should share this information with you. Sure, it may be easier for him to ignore problems, but it is not healthy for you nor the relationship.

Also, if your problems get solved and you do end up deciding to get married, I would really encourage you to look into the Catholic Faith (or even if you don’t decide to get married 😉 ). I know you mentioned you are not religious, but you also mentioned:
Suzie_London said:
…I am not religious, having said that, I am certainly not against religion and can respect/appreciate people’s desire to have religion in their lives.
…
I just do not understand. I thought that having religion was supposed to enrich your life and assist you on the way to become a ‘better’ person.
Click to expand...
So if you ever do desire to have religion in your life, please look into the Catholic Church, as the One Truth, you will be pleasantly surprised 🙂 (sorry if I’m going off on a limb here)

Either way, I hope your bf comes clear with you soon, it must be very difficult to be in such relationship. If he doesn’t want to come clear, I would walk away.
 
Suzie,

If you were raised a certain way by your parents and you have a good relationship with them then you probably feel guilty that you’re not living the way you were raised.

It can be heartbreaking and very distracting to know you’re not doing what you should be doing or doing something you shouldn’t be doing. We Catholics call this sin.

Of course, when we’re doing something that we know in our hearts we shouldn’t be doing, the natural but stupid thing we sometimes do is to look at someone else as the cause (because it’s much easier than to take responsibility for our own actions). I can only speculate that this is the cause for the disharmony in your relationship.

I imagine that your boyfriend might not feel he can talk to you about this since you don’t come from the same background. He probably does want to remain in a relationship with you but knows he shouldn’t be living with you and that’s probably tearing at him. Believe it or not, sometimes it’s easier to sabotage a relationship than to deal with guilt.
The proper thing for him to do would be to remember what he has learned about his Faith and share it with you remembering all the while that he should be putting your soul first. Unfortunately, the whole lot of us don’t always do the proper thing. Being Catholic doesn’t instantly mean you perfect. We all still suffer the effects of original sin.

He shouldn’t be ignoring you but it sounds like he’s pretty conflicted right now. I would suggest you learn about his Faith and why the Church teaches what it teaches to help you better understand him. There’s a lot of good things on this very site. You might also want to invest in a Christopher West book as a start.
 
Suzie_London said:
Hello. I am 29 years old. I have been dating a wonderful Catholic man, aged 28, since March 2006.

I am not religious, having said that, I am certainly not against religion and can respect/appreciate people’s desire to have religion in their lives.

My boyfriend’s family are practicing Catholics. He considers himself Catholic too, although he does not follow the teachings to the letter.

What I am confused about is that recently he has been acting strangely. Our usually lovely relationship is going through a rocky patch. I guess this is nothing unusual, however it is the way that he is behaving that is perplexing me. He ignores me. He ignores my phone calls and text messages. He finds it hard to address issues and would rather bury his head in the sand. I have told him how much this hurts and upsets me, so he knows how I feel. He simply does not seem to be bothered. He says that he loves me, so why is he like this? I thought that his Catholic upbringing would teach him to treat people in the way he’d like to be treated, to have consideration, respect and compassion for others?

We had planned to move in together this summer, which I was thrilled about. Recently he has told me that this is not what he wants now. I suspect that his family are not happy about us living together if we are unmarried. I know he is not ready for marriage at the moment, which is not a problem, but he says he doesn’t want to move in with me now because I won’t like his untidyness!

I just do not understand. I thought that having religion was supposed to enrich your life and assist you on the way to become a ‘better’ person.

What do you think? :confused:
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hi suzie london,

peace and all-good!

if your boyfriend acted strangely without a reason, then there is a reason. talk with him in private. you will know the reason.

i’m glad you that you consider the catholic upbringing of your boyfriend as a positive factor, but it is the heart that dictates whom to love.

"In him who is the source of my strength I have strength for everything." (Phil. 4:13).

ave maria

jpaul
 
I personally think he is afraid to move in together because of his upbringing and family etc… just as you pointed out. I can understand this. He wants to be with you and make you happy, but he is conflicted.

Living together before marriage isn’t for the best anyways and I know you expected to hear that, coming here. Even from a non religious perspective, it isn’t the best for a relationship.

I would point blank ask him if this is all the case, and it sounds like you really love him and support him so you would understand.

Have you ever gone to mass with him? Just to see what it was like?
 
You’re getting tons of good advice here, especially the later consequences (when you’re married) of having previously lived together. Just not good policy!

Look, the big issue here, the reason I’m bothering to type this, is that you need to appreciate that God doesn’t let you do whatever feels good. Some feel-good things are innately bad. Sometimes being a Christian ends up making you appear “mean” to the world, or “intolerant”. Sometimes you have to abstain or speak out, instead of just enjoying something since it is pleasurable.

Interesting situation: baed on your sketch here, he’s perhaps at a point where he’s looking at the long-range picture. Especially since this is a non-Christian wife possibility. . . what are the long-term implications of this? he may be wondering. It’s not just you; he’s thinking in terms of an overall family situation, possibly.
 
Suzie_London said:
Thank you for your response.

I don’t connect his recently odd behaviour with his religion. To the contrary, I would have figured that a young man with a good Catholic upbringing would be more sensitive, more understanding and more compassionate. I am wondering why he is not putting into practice the values that his religion stands for?

QUOTE]

Suzzie, I don’t mean this offensively, but if you want him to stick to his catholic upbringing so much then you simply need to understand and accept that he does not want to move in - as a catholic living together out of marriage is wrong and a sin. So, just because he doesn’t want to live with you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just means that he is sticking to his Catholic faith. If you want a catholic man who is all those things you say you want, then you should accept that too.

Now, if he is treating you badly or anything like that, that is another thing, and maybe he’s not right for you. Good luck and I hope it works out!
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This sounds familiar to me. Given what little I know about this relationship, my experience might not apply here, but like I said, it just sounds familiar.

Here’s my theory: his conscience and his faith is trying to reassert itself. Said another way: God is calling him to repentence. Before I “reverted” to the Faith, I was in a sexual relationship with someone. I knew, somewhere deep down, that eventually I would want to marry a woman who shared the Faith with me, but I knew that I was not exactly carrying on as a “good Catholic” should. It made me pensive, distant and irritable. Things were moving along so that I would either have to move in, marry her, or break it off. As it turned out, circumstances pretty much forced me to break it off.

Anyway, Catholicism is about much more than making someone a “basically good person” with “respect for others.” His faith sounds immature (by that I mean “embryonic,” or “young”), and he might be growing up. If this is the case, and he responds positively to it, he may be coming to realize the sinfulness of certain aspects of his life, i.e. your sexual relationship.

I don’t know you, and you write as though you’re one of these “basically good people,” but if I were your boyfriend’s buddy, I’d tell him straight: “You only get one life and sin is sin. You need to stop the sinful activity RIGHT NOW. You don’t have to break up with your girlfriend, but if she’s not willing to take this walk with you, you should end it.”

There is a hierarchy of priorities in life, and God is at the top. Putting anything between you and God is spiritual suicide. Continuing sinful behaviors muddies things, confuses things, and if you don’t know what’s going on, you’re going to be distant, irritable and pensive.

That’s just my two cents. I’ve been there, and that’s what this sounds like.
 
I haven’t read every responce, so sorry it I repeat. Let’s be brief

~ If you love each other, DO NOT move in together. Those who do have something like 80% divorce rates. Check out anything by Jason Evert to find out why. (If You Really Loved Me is his boook, Romance without Regret is his DVD)

~ If you love each other, get on the same page with Religion. I have watched too many marriages fail because of unshared religious convictions, even among non-practicing Protestants marrying non-practicing Catholics. These issued become HUGE when kids enter the picture.

~ Don’t sleep together till married.

~Personally, I wouldn’t commit to marriage until both of you are committed Catholics who are committed to not contracept or sterilize. Then your marriage has about a 95% chance of lasting.
 
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