advice/support needed about pornography

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psalm42

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After doing *much *research and reading people’s stories concerning the issue of pornography, I still feel a need to get some advice/(name removed by moderator)ut. No matter who I talk to, I feel like no one that knows me the best really knows that much about porn or can relate to my situation, although I read MANY stories about it.

I have a boyfriend who struggles with pornography. We have been together almost two years and I love him so much! Before we dated I knew he watched porn before he met me, but thought that that part of his life was over. We both agreed that it was unhealthy. I didn’t realize he struggled with pornography until I saw something on his laptop almost a year later. Then, EVERYTHING went downhill at that time in our relationship. I felt so betrayed and hurt…but if you have experienced this, I do not need to write further. I honestly never, ever knew wailing or how much my heart could break until this event happened in my life. He prayed about it and talked to people for help/ went to confession, which was good. I told him that I truly love him and WILL support him in this struggle if he worked on it/got help.

A few months later I caught him again by sneaking on his laptop (which was wrong), this past May, and he was leaving for the summer. After that point he said we could talk about porn anytime with no outbursts and I can look at his history any time I want. We did great in the summer and when he came back, he said he didn’t watch any porn, which made me very glad. We live in the same city now.

My boyfriend and I are both Catholic, too and we have struggled sexually in this relationship. It goes in cycles. We struggle and then go back to just pecking on the lips to not tempt one another… I just want you to know this.

But my emotions about porn go in cycles, too. We have been talking about marriage for the past few months and are getting serious about it, but the issue of porn is always in my head, for I will not marry him if he is still struggling with it. But I want to marry him so much. Although this is a short version of my story, he is an amazing man. This is my major issue. I really want (need) some support/advice from people who experience (d) any issues concering this, because I am struggling for God’s plan for my boyfriend and I.
 
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggle. My struggle with it lasted… far, far longer that I would like to admit to anyone besides my priest or God.

I think you rightfully are weary of marrying a man with a porn habit. There are so many ways that porn affects a marriage, and now that I have sufficiently separated myself from it, it physically makes me sick to imagine looking at it while being married to my wife.

I don’t think there is any magic answer to your situation besides that he needs to stop. So I will share what I think are helpful solutions to stopping, if he truly wants to stop.
  1. Make sure he realizes the severity of the issue. After trying a number of things and continually coming back, realizing what a terrible sin it is was the only thing to stop me. It was always so easy for me to rationalize that “it wasn’t that bad,” or “it will clear my head.” Not until I said to myself “it is a mortal sin” was I able to stop. And not until I made a pact with God to confess it every time it happened. After nearly 15 years of my habit, after the first confession where I really addressed it, I have never touched the stuff since.
  2. Use x3watch.com software. If he puts it on his computer, you can set it up so it will e-mail you (as his “accountability partner”) if he visits a porn site. And even if he is downloading the stuff using file sharing, this is still useful because when I stopped, I stopped downloading and just went to the “light” sites instead, telling myself it wasn’t as bad.
  3. Learn together how bad the porn industry is. We tend to think of these sexually-liberated women, having fun together on camera, making a lot of money, and thinking that it can’t be that bad. It is that bad, and much worse. One of the most famous and successful porn stars, Chrissy Moran, recently quit and found Christ. She now talks publicly about the abuse, the drugs, the STDs… the near sexual slavery of the industry. Even if Catholicism were 100% OK with porn, the industry itself provides enough reason to be disgusted at the very idea.
  4. Put pictures of Mary everywhere. On his background. As his cursor (that’s a neat trick I just thought off–try clicking Mary’s face on a porn link!) Put pictures up around his computer. Or tape a tiny paper crucifix next to the screen on his laptop. No one will watch porn with Mary staring at them.
  5. I think you two should read up on a few books about marriage and sex from a Catholic/Christian perspective. One good one is For Men Only/For Women Only (two books), and the one for guys discusses how they can never, ever look at porn if they respect their wives and want their trust and respect.
This is what I can think of for the moment. Good luck, you two are in my prayers.
 
Also, I want you to realize that this has much less to do with you than you might think. I’m sure it is hurtful, and I don’t blame you for being hurt–but this is an extremely powerful addiction that women, in my experience, simply cannot relate to. Most women have no idea how powerful lust is over men, and I don’t think any women really understand it. If he struggles with it, it does not mean he cares for you any less, it means that he is human and is struggling under the cross he has been given. He is truly blessed to have someone who is so patient with him. The two of you can absolutely conquer this.
 
This is the first time I have talked about this on this forum, so I’m feeling a little vulnerable , but I feel the need to tell you my experience…perhaps it will help you sort out things

I am a woman, but I have never been with a man who struggles with pornography…
I myself have since my childhood when I came accross my older brother’s stuff…
It has caused my much grief and yet I am now 43 and still struggle with it…

I have tried sex and love addicts anonymous…and yes it can be helpful…as staying away from an addiciton is not just a matter of will … I had several other problem behaviors too that have been eradicated from my life and what helps me is knowing that what I am looking for when I seek pornography is actually to be in close connection…I seem to go to it when I am feeling empty already inside… For me my addiction has turned into a blessing, because now I realize (with the help of a Catholic nun/spiritual advisor) that when I felt I was close to acting on my addiction, it was actually an an opportunity to seek real connection in some way (is with God, or with my husband)
Now…I just have to reach inside and reach out to someone and the desire is gone…

Peace be with you…

and I hope this helped

I do not know if your boyfriend has an addiction to it…but poeple can go for years, as I have and not seek it out…and then something happens…and its back to it again.
 
Thank you both SO MUCH for responding. I did not know whether anyone would respond or not and I truly value your honesty. I was praying about this before I wrote it because I really wanted some help. I have not met anyone else who has struggled with this–I wouldn’t call this a meeting but it is sufficient enough for me!

I will be praying for you, and I am sorry you have struggled with this since you were a child. I really cannot imagine the emotions/things you have been through so I appreciate you telling me about this.

I have read a lot of articles about porn and how it affects the brain, spouses, other people…etc. so I understand how addicting it could become, especially for men (and women–but many writings I feel are more toward men). I really did not know anything about porn until all of this happened with my boyfriend.

If either of you read this post ( I just subscribed so I do not know yet how it works) I was wondering how I should pray for him/us/me and how to prevent me from stumbling upon this sin because I find myself wondering about it and thinking about it more. I have prayed the rosary for him and his struggle and for us–when I remember to pray about us it is sometimes sporadically throughout the day but I have been doing it more. I just want to know if he is to be my future husband, but that is where the praying comes in…

He has a filter on his computer, so that is good 🙂 I will have to look more into reading books or articles together…
 
and just this past year my husband LOST HIS JOB. yes in this economy… because he had porn movies i knew nothing about on his work laptop.

my husband wont talk about it.

if your young man isnt willing to see a Christian counselor (someone who takes this seriously) and isnt willing to understand that because of HIS weakness, someone else will have to be able to check any of his computers at any time…
then walk away now, before you get married.

this is very much like alcoholism. many many people can have a “social drink” and walk away…not a drink addict… and a porn addict is an addict. small things like ads in a magazine, can be like a sip of alcohol to a drinker.

and there is porn everywhere… and he doesnt need to store it on his computer, but his browsing history will show it.

if he knows that… say… your priest, or you, or his mom. or someone. has the keys to his computer and the permission to do “random checks” then he is less likely to lose to temptation.

if he hasnt developed the full blown addiction yet, maybe you dont need to go that far, but…

porn is everywhere
EVERYWHERE
and he will be very hard pressed to stay “sober” without help and counseling

good luck
 
Before you say “I DO”, consider this - if it were any other habitual grave sin, would you marry him? If her were often robbing banks or an extortionist or a murderer or an adulterer would you want to think about having babies with him?

Pray for him, suggest he seek the help of a good priest - remember, this is a spiritual battle that he needs to fight and win.
 
The key word in your post is CYCLE. That is the indication that all is not healed. Get a really good priest who works with sexual addictions and go to him as individuals, and as a couple. Let him lead you on your hopes for marriage.

You’ve had sex with one another, so a healthy amount of objectivity has been compromised. That’s the need for the voice of objective guidance. God Bless.
 
These comments are very good points and suggestions. They have made me think the past couple days 🙂 Porn seems such a tricky issue, when one learns about the effects it has. It is sad.
 
I would put any wedding plans on hold for at least a couple of years; you already have trust issues with your boyfriend, to have a sucessful marriage, you MUST have complete trust in each other at all times. He can overcome this addiction, but he must be 100% commited to so.
 
Having experienced this issue myself, I do not think it is such a stumbling block to your marriage as others. If he continues it, of course–but it can be solved. I disagree strongly with the posters above who say this is an unfixable addiction like alcohol. Sure there are some how are addicted, but the vast majority are not. Merely because someone looks at porn after promising not to does not indicate an addiction or a lack of trustworthiness, it indicates a weakness that we all have in one way or another.

You absolutely do NOT need to postpone talking about getting married. You two just need to solve this and move on. I and lots of others have; my past porn habit is no impediment at all to my marriage, though I struggled to quit for months. But once I found the magic bullet, it was done. I would rather die than look at pornography now. Your boyfriend can have the exact same experience, and this will be a closed chapter in his life.
 
As a computer technician I will tell you that whatever software you put on a system that might track his usage is not only bypassable but easily so… I don’t feel like I should give details as to the how, that wouldn’t help anyone, but the basis of a marriage is trust… if you don’t trust your partner… don’t marry him… if you do… deal with the fact that temptations (especially in today’s day and age… occur by the minute…) AND TRUST HIM… I’m not saying that an indulgence in porn watching is ok… I really don’t think it is… get married and take his mind off of the porn… give him no reason to go back to it…

You want to be toward one another like the couple in the Song of Songs…
 
camerong— you said once you found the magic bullet, you were done. How did this happen? And, if you don’t mind me asking, did you watch porn before you got married?

I talked to my boyfriend today and asked him if he has been struggling with porn lately (I have got the sense that he has) and he answered me, “it’s always a struggle.” This was via text messaging. That answer shows me that he is still having problems with pornography, wouldn’t you think?

I also have been trying to pray the rosary for him and I before I go to bed the past few days. I sent him an email of articles from a Christian website about pornography, so I hope that helped him.

Sometimes I think are all guys like this? Do all guys struggle with porn? I know not all men do, but I feel like they do. My dad and mom have been married 36 years and he has never struggled with this, or my mom (I talk to them a lot about my bf and I so they know our issues). So I know there are men out there like my dad, but it’s so difficult to believe this now that this situation has entered my life. I am not saying I am perfect, but porn is a deal-breaker for me. I do love my boyfriend and am choosing to be with him-- he is an amazing man. However, I have to accept the fact that we may not work out–and I pray fervently for God’s grace if we break up someday because I wouldn’t be able to handle.
 
we talked more today and he said i can put a password on his filter because that will help him. so i am going to when I see him this week…he took it off to write a paper last week but i emailed him a link from whodoesithurt.com a Catholic website that has been beneficial to me. …
 
:)Hi psalms42: does your bf understand the effects porn can have on your relationship,in the way he may view you as a person?I suffer from this same issue and my habit was a lot longer than his.It can take time for him to get this out of his system or like others it can be gone in a heartbeat.It is very healthy for you to pray the rosary for him every night, you are a blessing to him so given the fact that you are a blessing to him, do you want to take away this blessing from him?
 
psalm42 said:
camerong— you said once you found the magic bullet, you were done. How did this happen? And, if you don’t mind me asking, did you watch porn before you got married?

I talked to my boyfriend today and asked him if he has been struggling with porn lately (I have got the sense that he has) and he answered me, “it’s always a struggle.” This was via text messaging. That answer shows me that he is still having problems with pornography, wouldn’t you think?

I also have been trying to pray the rosary for him and I before I go to bed the past few days. I sent him an email of articles from a Christian website about pornography, so I hope that helped him.

Sometimes I think are all guys like this? Do all guys struggle with porn? I know not all men do, but I feel like they do. My dad and mom have been married 36 years and he has never struggled with this, or my mom (I talk to them a lot about my bf and I so they know our issues). So I know there are men out there like my dad, but it’s so difficult to believe this now that this situation has entered my life. I am not saying I am perfect, but porn is a deal-breaker for me. I do love my boyfriend and am choosing to be with him-- he is an amazing man. However, I have to accept the fact that we may not work out–and I pray fervently for God’s grace if we break up someday because I wouldn’t be able to handle.
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It’s especially hard these days because free, simple, private access to it is so easy. Your dad never had these options, most likely.

All men struggle. Some more than others. One can only give up the fantasy world for a real marriage if they are willing. And my advice is to not marry until he has the proper concept for marriage to you.

TOB for Beginners can explain the marriage concepts well enough. For an understanding about porn, I suggest The Drug of the New Millennium. It does an excellent job of describing porn addiction and how it works and why it’s such a problem. I suggest you read it no matter what your decision for your boyfriend.

I just found this resource and don’t have any experience with it. Yours to investigate. freedombeginshere.org/_docs/statementstuffer.pdf

People can fight it. People can beat it. It’s harder for some than others. And the temptation is always there.
 
The idea that a man finds a woman attractive is a given… the fact that we live in a society that involves millions of people only multiplies the temptation…

In a small civilization you were only exposed to say a dozen or so potential mates and in today’s day and age we are exposed to THOUSANDS if not MILLIONS of potential mates…

In the earlier ages, without this level of exposure, it was probably much easier for a man to cleave to the woman he chose… however, in today’s day and age it seems almost impossible… (just check the divorce rates…)

The lack of dedication in marriage is due to the plethora of alternates combined with the ease of divorce… (annulment is pretty much just as difficult as before, at least as far as my research has shown…)

However, most people don’t involve themselves with annulment, and a lot of churches recognize divorce and therefore make remarrying easy…

You should have a greater level of dedication towards marriage before it is even accepted in a church and should be denied unless such is shown…

In my opinion (shallow as it is) it should not be allowed to be remarried within the church for at least 10 years after a divorce or 5 years after an annulment…

This objectionable lack of intention that any number of people go through should be limited…

If you get married it should be considered for EVER, there are individual exceptions to this rule:

"Wedding Etiquette Most annulments are based on canon 1095, psychological reasons. These include a wide range of factors. Some of them may be misrepresentation or fraud (concealing the truth about capacity or desire to have children for example, or about an preexisting marriage, drug addiction, felony convictions, sexual preference or having reached the age of consent)

Wedding Etiquette Refusal or inability to consummate the marriage (inability or refusal to have sex) ,

Wedding Etiquette Bigamy, incest (being married to someone else, or close relatives)

Wedding Etiquette Duress (being forced or coerced into marriage against one’s will or serious external pressure, for example a pregnancy)

Wedding Etiquette Mental incapacity (considered unable to understand the nature and expectations of marriage)

Wedding Etiquette Lack of knowledge or understanding of the full implications of marriage as a life-long commitment in faithfulness and love, with priority to spouse and children.

Wedding Etiquette Psychological inability to live the marriage commitment as described above.

Wedding Etiquette Illegal “Form of Marriage” (ceremony was not performed according to Catholic canon law)

Wedding Etiquette One/both partners was under the influence of drugs, or addicted to a chemical substance."

Outside of these things… annulment is not really possible… they extend these tenets occasionally, however, this extension is only valid per person… not across the board…

Perhaps you should consider marriage far more deeply than today’s society proposes…
 
psalm42 said:
After doing *much *research and reading people’s stories concerning the issue of pornography, I still feel a need to get some advice/(name removed by moderator)ut. No matter who I talk to, I feel like no one that knows me the best really knows that much about porn or can relate to my situation, although I read MANY stories about it.

I have a boyfriend who struggles with pornography. We have been together almost two years and I love him so much! Before we dated I knew he watched porn before he met me, but thought that that part of his life was over. We both agreed that it was unhealthy. I didn’t realize he struggled with pornography until I saw something on his laptop almost a year later. Then, EVERYTHING went downhill at that time in our relationship. I felt so betrayed and hurt…but if you have experienced this, I do not need to write further. I honestly never, ever knew wailing or how much my heart could break until this event happened in my life. He prayed about it and talked to people for help/ went to confession, which was good. I told him that I truly love him and WILL support him in this struggle if he worked on it/got help.

A few months later I caught him again by sneaking on his laptop (which was wrong), this past May, and he was leaving for the summer. After that point he said we could talk about porn anytime with no outbursts and I can look at his history any time I want. We did great in the summer and when he came back, he said he didn’t watch any porn, which made me very glad. We live in the same city now.

My boyfriend and I are both Catholic, too and we have struggled sexually in this relationship. It goes in cycles. We struggle and then go back to just pecking on the lips to not tempt one another… I just want you to know this.

But my emotions about porn go in cycles, too. We have been talking about marriage for the past few months and are getting serious about it, but the issue of porn is always in my head, for I will not marry him if he is still struggling with it. But I want to marry him so much. Although this is a short version of my story, he is an amazing man. This is my major issue. I really want (need) some support/advice from people who experience (d) any issues concering this, because I am struggling for God’s plan for my boyfriend and I.
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First, just to get it out of the way, the “struggling with sex” is a separate issue – related, but essentially separate.

Second, the answer to the pornography thing is “at the bottom of the latrine.”

By that I mean that stopping your boyfriend from looking at porn is not the answer. Just that will leave him unenlightened. It will not give him the knowledge he needs to not want to “do porn.”

What he needs to do is look at all the porn he wants, and then feel where that leaves him – no where, just a human ape with a happy area between his legs, without connection to the people around him, but, instead, just a happy relationship to the soul-less images on paper and on his computer screen.

Tell him to say, “I love you!” to the big boobed girls baring their essentials to him, and they say nothing back!

Ask him what he will give as his answer to God at judgment time, when God asks, “What did you do with the time I gave you on Earth? How did you make that ‘war zone’ called ‘the human race’ a better place with your life?” Will he answer, “God, I looked at girls baring their business at me, and gave myself an erection! A thousand times! Pretty good, huh, God!”?

Be gentle and non-accusatory as you talk with him.

A single conversation won’t do it. He needs to be restructured, inside.

Give him time, give him time, give him time.
 
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