Advice to a Young Woman: Secrets That Feminists Don’t Want You to Know

[JimG]

To me the most important point of the article for those wanting to marry is this: If you intend to marry, plan for it and do the things necessary to that end, rather than just assuming that it will happen on its own, or come about by happenstance. Marriage doesn’t occur by happenstance any more than obtaining a PhD occurs by happenstance.

I have five nieces who have married within the past few years, all recent college graduates. From what I have heard all of them specifically made efforts to meet the right person. It didn’t just happen by divine intervention.

Two quotes from the article:

“Do not confuse career with vocation. Career is at best something nested under and within your vocation, or maybe “career” is just a dubious modern concept. Either way, a career is not a life-path unto itself. This is why you need to take vocational discernment seriously rather than fixating on a career. To be sure, God’s timing is God’s, not ours. But don’t get distracted by the illusion that a career is a vocation; it is not. Don’t front-load your career quest and thereby push the vocation question into becoming an afterthought that you plan to get around to “someday.””

“But your vocation is quite unlikely simply to show up one day on your doorstep. You will need to be intentional and active in opening your heart and your life to this.”

 

[AdamP88]

Reasonable. The Church could stand, in my opinion, to do more outreach to those who are single and not called to either the married or religious life; maybe involve the various Secular Orders a bit more.

Good point. I do tend to think that the lay orders and vocations such as Opus Dei or similar could be promoted a bit more. I wouldn’t say that lay orders are not vocations but maybe could be considered a secondary vocations, as if you are married, your primary vocation is to marriage.

In my view, the Church has a certain need to promote the Religious life/Priesthood, and marriage above others, as these are the two forms of vocation that allow the Church to continue. Faith is nourished and passed on in families and good marriages become an example for children to follow. Priests generally come from families where the faith is fostered and the children are taught that priesthood is a noble path in life. Priests in turn are necessary for the faith to be celebrated and to lead our Catholic communities.

Of course, there is a place for single people in this, but I don’t think it’s necessarily something “personal” that the Church makes a big deal out of marriage and priesthood.

 

[blackforest]

Marriage doesn’t occur by happenstance any more than obtaining a PhD occurs by happenstance.

Are you projecting a personal experience? My own marriage did come about happenstance. I did not want to marry young. I was dead set on finishing grad school and maybe marrying in my 30s. I ended up meeting the Right Person through a mutual friend and getting married in my early 20s.

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to God’s plan for us.

 

[DeniseNY]

I guess because I’m not a mother the author is saying that I"m not only not a woman, but my status as a human being is also questionable.

 

[Sarcelle]

Move over.

I brought some refreshments and beverages.

 

[Sarcelle]

That doesn’t mean that it’s bad to be single or that single people are somehow lesser than married folks.

Sure doesn’t sound like it when others judge me as being morally defective just because I’m single.

If I’m really as selfish as my accusers say I am, will that selfishness go away when the wedding ring goes on my finger?

I doubt it.

The last time I checked being single isn’t sin.

 

[Sarcelle]

From what I have heard all of them specifically made efforts to meet the right person. It didn’t just happen by divine intervention.

Sometimes it just doesn’t happen even with one’s best effort. You can put in the work but sometimes it does take divine intervention.

What if, in spite of your best effort, the spouse doesn’t appear? What then?

As for careers, there is really no such thing as lifelong careers anymore. Lay-offs are getting more and more commonplace. Sometimes you have to reinvent yourself in order to find employment.

Life can be very unpredictable. You lose your job, you get sick, your longed for spouse never appears.

We all have to muddle through and cope as best we can.

 

[Peeps]

Sounds not unlike Phyllis Schlafly.

Apologies if someone has already posted this. Just clearing up any confusion–Ms. Schlafly was married with several children, and also earned advanced college degrees. She never advocated that women stay home and get pregnant, but neither did she advocate for women to abandon home and family for career. Her major platform and mission was fighting the ratification of the very sketchy Equal Rights Amendment, which thankfully, she succeeded in halting.

Phyllis Stewart Schlafly
Aug 15, 1924-Sept 4, 2016
Born in St. Louis, MO, died in Ladue, MO

Spouse Fred Schlafly, married 1949-1993

Children: Andrew, Liza, Anne Cori (one name), Bruce, Roger, John

Education: Radcliffe College, Washington University (St. Louis), Harvard, Washington University School of Law

 

[Sarcelle]

She never advocated that women stay home and get pregnant, but neither did she advocate for women to abandon home and family for career.

Why do people think that having a job means abandoning home?

I mean you need a job to have a home in the first place.

How else is the mortgage and rent supposed to be paid?

 

[JimG]

I guess because I’m not a mother the author is saying that I"m not only not a woman, but my status as a human being is also questionable.

As far as I can tell from her bio, the author is not married, nor a mother, so I don’t think she was making a moral judgment about single women. She was simply giving advice that if a young womanl plans to get married, then start planning.

 

[Raxus]

Of course, there is a place for single people in this, but I don’t think it’s necessarily something “personal” that the Church makes a big deal out of marriage and priesthood.

I don’t think it’s personal either. I do think there are a good number of single folks who feel a bit left behind sometimes, though. I do agree with your larger point, by and large, but feel the situation could still do with a bit of simple tweaking.

 

[JimG]

Well, introduction by a mutual frend is sort of like divine intervention. Matchmakers used to be more prevalent, and they can be a help.

In my case the matchmaker was my future wife’s younger sister, only a teenager at the time. I was just out of the Air Force, starting a new job, and had no interest in marriage or dating. Neither did my future spouse, for that matter. Our parents knew one anther from church but only as acquaintences. The younger sister had decided that her sibling needed to marry, and somehow pegged me as a possible candidate.

I was living at the time in the former mother-in-law’s cottage on the same grounds as my parents home. One evening the phone rang. It was the younger sister. “Hello,” she said. “This is K. So, are you going to take my sister to her company Christmas party?”

“Christmas party?” I said. Well, um, yes, sure, I guess so."
That was how it started. Divine intervention by a relative.

 

[Sarcelle]

This is why I do not socialize at Church.

I go in and go out.

I know I do not belong with the married club.

 

[Raxus]

This is why I do not socialize at Church.

I go in and go out.

I know I do not belong with the married club.

Feel the same way, honestly.

 

[Peeps]

Why do people think that having a job means abandoning home?

I mean you need a job to have a home in the first place.

How else is the mortgage and rent supposed to be paid?

Again, I am not being clear. Apologies!

In the past, in the generation right before mine, the one where men and women came of age in the 1950s–it was a man’s responsibility to go to work and earn all the household money (including mortgage), and it was expected that the woman would stay home, keep the house clean, shop for and cook good food, and raise children.

At the beginning of my coming of age (in the late 1960s), a movement arose among women (I think it had been around for decades, but it became very visible and vocal in the 1960s) that WOMEN didn’t necessarily want to give up a career and stay home. They wanted to have the career, and in many cases, still have a marriage, keep a house (along with their husband), and raise children (again, with the help of their husband).

Of course, there were many “traditionalists” who denounced this and considered these women “libbers” who wanted to upend “God’s plan.” That’s what I thought you were saying about Ms. Schlafly. But obviously I am incorrect, and you do recognized that Ms. Schlafly was actually a pretty good role model for women who wanted to have a career and raise a family.

The one thing I would say about this is that many of us women discovered that having a full time job/career and raising children/keeping house is exhausting, even if our husbands divide up the work with us. It’s especially difficult in the early years of a child’s life, when he/she is nursing–doing this usually requires well-rested, well-fed, and well-relaxed mom–and Dad can’t really help much, at least not back in the 1970s. Nowadays in the 21st Century, there are beautiful pumps that can get milk even out of the most shy bosom. (I never ever had any luck pumping when I had my babies in the early 1980s).

But I know many women who seem to be successful at balancing work and family, so it works.

Again, sorry for making assumptions and not making myself clear in my posts. Back in the day, I admired Ms. Schlafly (R.I.P.) for her work to defeat the ERA.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

To me the most important point of the article for those wanting to marry is this: If you intend to marry, plan for it and do the things necessary to that end, rather than just assuming that it will happen on its own, or come about by happenstance. Marriage doesn’t occur by happenstance

Some marriages actually do happen when the two people definitely weren’t planning on it or even looking for a marriage partner when they met.

I think every couple’s story is different and it’s impossible to generalize. If someone was super anxious to be married, then there’s nothing wrong with doing as much as you can to make that happen, but that’s not the only way people end up married. I can tell you if marriage required as much work as a degree program, I’d have stayed single for life.

 

[blackforest]

That’s really cool! Matchmaking seems to be such a lost art. And if you’ve seen The Dating Project, you know how dating-illiterate our culture has become!

I met my husband-to-be just hanging out on campus. We weren’t thrown together by any busybody. We just both showed up at a lot of the same events and hung out with the same people.

That said, I think that to some degree, most marriages begin divinely.

 

[Xantippe]

Not having a good career is not going to make a husband appear more quickly.