Advice - tough years in early middle age

[Prodigal_40s]

I’m 46 and struggled for the last 5-6 years. My Mom is a constant worry and while I love her very much, I find it impossible to look after her. She has elderly psychiatric problems and physical issues which requires a hip replacement. Her Doctor is incompetent and has mixed medical records up, is impossible to contact and doesn’t seem to care about her welfare (“she’s just old and that’s just it”). However, I have ensured that we deal with other Doctors in the practice so that problem has been removed. I wish he was… from the practice!
My sibling has a learning disability and lives with her while I am working (when I can) away from home. This is another issue in that I’ve lost 2-3 years of work with the problem of coming home due to another crisis. My Mum’s behaviour can be challenging but I do love her and would do anything for her. Without sounding selfish, it’s just that I won’t have anyone to do the same when I reach her age.
I have few friends and since I graduated when I was 30, I have worked all over the place but never settled with the result that I have no social life and haven’t had a steady girlfriend since I was 27. I find social situations difficult and cope badly with rejection which I hoped would fade as I got older but I feel it as acutely as I did when I was in my 20’s. I have real issues knowing where to settle and what to do about my family. I love them and have sacrificed a lot for them but I have no life at the moment. I feel my life is NO more difficult than any one elses but the loneliness is hard to take. I think if I had that support away from work and even as part of work, things would be easier. I have found it hard to make genuine friends although I have a large network of professional contacts. It is a pity that so few want religion even mentioned but that’s their choice and it’s an incredibly, catastrophically bad one.
My job can be boring. I work as an IT analyst bridging the gap between the business and the IT side of things and I struggle with it but I feel that if I could talk and mix more when I’m in work, it would be much more interesting and less stressful.
I’ve started trying to learn Mandarin and German and I want to do some practical carpentry and joinery courses to gain a qualification in that to be able to do work in the house and maybe elsewhere. I also want to do decorating and papering, plumbing and building courses but I never get any time. I also want to learn a musical instrument too. I’m always a phone call away from a distressing incident that requires me to spend my work evening calming my Mum down or phoning her care team to work at a solution to a crisis. I know that as an adult, that responsibility is mine but I’d like to manage my time better and be assertive.
Anybody in a similar situation with parents and struggling to carve out their own life especially in their 40’s and 50’s and any similar experiences?

 

[bisco]

the Lord has given you a cross, make the most of it. offer it up to His glory. you sound like a wonderful person, pray for His help and thank Him for the graces He has given you. a lot of us are taking care of elderly parents, it’s not easy by any means. i pray each day for strength, patience and perseverance. i know He is pleased with me if i take care of my responsibilities without complaining. you will get a lot of good advice here, i will pray for you, God bless!

 

[Prodigal_40s]

the Lord has given you a cross, make the most of it. offer it up to His glory. you sound like a wonderful person, pray for His help and thank Him for the graces He has given you. a lot of us are taking care of elderly parents, it’s not easy by any means. i pray each day for strength, patience and perseverance. i know He is pleased with me if i take care of my responsibilities without complaining. you will get a lot of good advice here, i will pray for you, God bless!

Thanks Bisco. God bless you too

 

[mountee]

Praying for you to find a way to do all the things you want and need to do for others as well as yourself. I am going to pray for you to meet some friends that you can enjoy and share with for you to have a time just for yourself. Your life is very difficult and I will pray for you to have some support with everything you are managing.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m 46 and struggled for the last 5-6 years. My Mom is a constant worry and while I love her very much, I find it impossible to look after her. She has elderly psychiatric problems and physical issues which requires a hip replacement. Her Doctor is incompetent and has mixed medical records up, is impossible to contact and doesn’t seem to care about her welfare (“she’s just old and that’s just it”). However, I have ensured that we deal with other Doctors in the practice so that problem has been removed. I wish he was… from the practice!
My sibling has a learning disability and lives with her while I am working (when I can) away from home. This is another issue in that I’ve lost 2-3 years of work with the problem of coming home due to another crisis. My Mum’s behaviour can be challenging but I do love her and would do anything for her. Without sounding selfish, it’s just that I won’t have anyone to do the same when I reach her age.
I have few friends and since I graduated when I was 30, I have worked all over the place but never settled with the result that I have no social life and haven’t had a steady girlfriend since I was 27. I find social situations difficult and cope badly with rejection which I hoped would fade as I got older but I feel it as acutely as I did when I was in my 20’s. I have real issues knowing where to settle and what to do about my family. I love them and have sacrificed a lot for them but I have no life at the moment. I feel my life is NO more difficult than any one elses but the loneliness is hard to take. I think if I had that support away from work and even as part of work, things would be easier. I have found it hard to make genuine friends although I have a large network of professional contacts. It is a pity that so few want religion even mentioned but that’s their choice and it’s an incredibly, catastrophically bad one.
My job can be boring. I work as an IT analyst bridging the gap between the business and the IT side of things and I struggle with it but I feel that if I could talk and mix more when I’m in work, it would be much more interesting and less stressful.
I’ve started trying to learn Mandarin and German and I want to do some practical carpentry and joinery courses to gain a qualification in that to be able to do work in the house and maybe elsewhere. I also want to do decorating and papering, plumbing and building courses but I never get any time. I also want to learn a musical instrument too. I’m always a phone call away from a distressing incident that requires me to spend my work evening calming my Mum down or phoning her care team to work at a solution to a crisis. I know that as an adult, that responsibility is mine but I’d like to manage my time better and be assertive.
Anybody in a similar situation with parents and struggling to carve out their own life especially in their 40’s and 50’s and any similar experiences?

None of your feelings are unreasonable. You have a heavy load to deal with and, as you point out, little prospect at the moment of having the sort of relationships that would provide you the sort of support that you are providing when it’s your turn.

I’m not sure how good assisted living is for older people in your part of the world, but at some point, your mother is going to need more care than you can provide while working a full time job. It may be time to start figuring out whether that time has come yet, or what that time will look like.

Are there any support group for caregivers in your area or any respite care available? You might meet a very nice 40-something single lady in a support group for caregivers that would understand you perfectly, and also be a compassionate, loving person.

I’d try to make a goal of blocking out one evening a week for self improvement, two a week if you can manage it.

Best wishes!

 

[edwest2]

I’m 46 and struggled for the last 5-6 years. My Mom is a constant worry and while I love her very much, I find it impossible to look after her. She has elderly psychiatric problems and physical issues which requires a hip replacement. Her Doctor is incompetent and has mixed medical records up, is impossible to contact and doesn’t seem to care about her welfare (“she’s just old and that’s just it”). However, I have ensured that we deal with other Doctors in the practice so that problem has been removed. I wish he was… from the practice!
My sibling has a learning disability and lives with her while I am working (when I can) away from home. This is another issue in that I’ve lost 2-3 years of work with the problem of coming home due to another crisis. My Mum’s behaviour can be challenging but I do love her and would do anything for her. Without sounding selfish, it’s just that I won’t have anyone to do the same when I reach her age.
I have few friends and since I graduated when I was 30, I have worked all over the place but never settled with the result that I have no social life and haven’t had a steady girlfriend since I was 27. I find social situations difficult and cope badly with rejection which I hoped would fade as I got older but I feel it as acutely as I did when I was in my 20’s. I have real issues knowing where to settle and what to do about my family. I love them and have sacrificed a lot for them but I have no life at the moment. I feel my life is NO more difficult than any one elses but the loneliness is hard to take. I think if I had that support away from work and even as part of work, things would be easier. I have found it hard to make genuine friends although I have a large network of professional contacts. It is a pity that so few want religion even mentioned but that’s their choice and it’s an incredibly, catastrophically bad one.
My job can be boring. I work as an IT analyst bridging the gap between the business and the IT side of things and I struggle with it but I feel that if I could talk and mix more when I’m in work, it would be much more interesting and less stressful.
I’ve started trying to learn Mandarin and German and I want to do some practical carpentry and joinery courses to gain a qualification in that to be able to do work in the house and maybe elsewhere. I also want to do decorating and papering, plumbing and building courses but I never get any time. I also want to learn a musical instrument too. I’m always a phone call away from a distressing incident that requires me to spend my work evening calming my Mum down or phoning her care team to work at a solution to a crisis. I know that as an adult, that responsibility is mine but I’d like to manage my time better and be assertive.
Anybody in a similar situation with parents and struggling to carve out their own life especially in their 40’s and 50’s and any similar experiences?

I don’t know how things work in your country. In my case, my mother stays with me and my sister. I am fortunate in this and she has grandchildren she can call upon. We were fortunate to avoid having to put her in a home. Although my mother has a health problem, and a mild mental health issue, she seems to be managing to cope with things as they are.

Are there support groups in your area for people in similar positions? Or some place you can contact that might be able to give you some advice?

In another case, a friend has a mother who developed health problems and could no longer stay in her home alone. She tried placing her with some relatives but she was from the country and being away from her home caused a lot of anger in her. She was then placed in an “assisted living” situation. This is a series of connected apartments with a 24 staff that could attend to her needs. Finally, my friend worked out a living arrangement with her older sister and her mother calmed, or I should say, got used to the idea that she needs someone to look after her.

I like the fact that you have the motivation to consider doing other things. That is wonderful. I don’t know how common apprenticeships are, but perhaps you could contact a company in any field you’d like and ask about this. I know when my dad was put in a home, I was the crisis management team whenever a problem arose. I know what that’s like. He had dementia.

I am blessed with a few real friends who can offer me a little help and advice. Coming as I do from a self-sufficient, work hard and take care of your aging parents background, I soon came to realize I can only do so much.

In the US, incompetent doctors can be sued for malpractice. I’m not saying you should but switching to another doctor seems to be in order.

Here’s a link I found that may be helpful:

carersireland.com/nowyoureacarer_icare_oldage.php

God bless you,
Ed

 

[Prodigal_40s]

God bless you and thank you for sharing!

You are not selfish for wanting friends or a girlfriend. Those things are natural and healthy. Taking classes or having hobbies are wonderful too, it is good that you want to do those things! It is just hard for you because you are torn. Jesus loves you very much, Jesus has plans for you and your life that include joy, pure joy without pain or guilt. You are a loving son. Jesus knows you don’t want to see your mother hurt. Jesus knows what it is like to be a son seeing His mother hurting, turn to Him, He will be your source of comfort. Please be assured of my prayers.

God bless you too Monicad.
My Mum’s quite fragile and she has had issues all along. She moved here a long time ago so I feel a responsibility to look after her. You are very right though. I need to move my life along especially with the amount of time I feel I’ve wasted. I got a degree and post graduate degree and have 12 years of experience in my profession but I have no real friendships or a relationship. I have dropped things to come back to my Mum but the thought of leaving her to it disturbs me. This is a comparatively recent thing; well when I say that I mean about 6-7 years. I feel angry at myself that I didn’t focus and get really good at my work at the very least instead of procrastinating.

Praying for you to find a way to do all the things you want and need to do for others as well as yourself. I am going to pray for you to meet some friends that you can enjoy and share with for you to have a time just for yourself. Your life is very difficult and I will pray for you to have some support with everything you are managing.

Thanks Mountee. God bless you

I’m not sure how good assisted living is for older people in your part of the world, but at some point, your mother is going to need more care than you can provide while working a full time job. It may be time to start figuring out whether that time has come yet, or what that time will look like.
I’d try to make a goal of blocking out one evening a week for self improvement, two a week if you can manage it.

Best wishes!

Thanks Xantippe. My Mum has respite care but it’s very limited. They call 3 times a day and provide medication from a strong box and wash and dress her so that is a good support.
Excellent idea about blocking out some time. I need to spend more time than two nights a week but it’s a start. Another thing I need to do is to create some SMART goals for myself as I feel a bit aimless.
I also feel it’s too late for me with my age

I don’t know how things work in your country. In my case, my mother stays with me and my sister. I am fortunate in this and she has grandchildren she can call upon. We were fortunate to avoid having to put her in a home. Although my mother has a health problem, and a mild mental health issue, she seems to be managing to cope with things as they are.

Are there support groups in your area for people in similar positions? Or some place you can contact that might be able to give you some advice?

In another case, a friend has a mother who developed health problems and could no longer stay in her home alone. She tried placing her with some relatives but she was from the country and being away from her home caused a lot of anger in her. She was then placed in an “assisted living” situation. This is a series of connected apartments with a 24 staff that could attend to her needs. Finally, my friend worked out a living arrangement with her older sister and her mother calmed, or I should say, got used to the idea that she needs someone to look after her.

Here’s a link I found that may be helpful:

carersireland.com/nowyoureacarer_icare_oldage.php

God bless you,
Ed

God bless you too Ed. My Mum doesn’t want to go into assisted living although the other day she said to me if it’s necessary. After that she became so stressed that she couldn’t get out of bed. I wouldn’t want to force anything on her but I agree the best option is the one where she can manage and cope with the situation she’s in. Moving her into a home or far away from it (as you described) wouldn’t suit her.
The social worker is someone I could talk to if it got worse and thanks for that heads up.Her psychogeriatric consultant is very poor too and he’s seen her a handful of times in 4 years. He does exactly the same thing every time; gives her a short term memory test and tells me that she doesn’t seem too bad. Then he blames her GP for not reviewing her medication even though he recommended 50% of her prescription!
I know that her problems are caused by anxiety and show delirium symptoms. Her shrink told me that he would find it difficult to treat anxiety so I asked the GP to forward her to another consultant and the GP refused. I had considered going for a private consultation (we don’t pay for medical care here) to get a diagnosis and if she doesn’t get her Hip operation date within the next 2 weeks, I will do that. The reason for that is that the Hip operation and her inability to move or get out and about could be a contributory factor in increasing her delirium as well as the pain killers she’s been on which are very strong.
She’s had scans which have shown no evidence of degenerative brain functionality but I’d still like a neurologist or someone with some professional competence to look at her. That will help her and me. Where I live now and the standard of health care makes me fully understand why people move to cities. I had a look at those links and a lot of it is relevant to the Republic of Ireland but I’ll talk to her consultant (the new one!) and have a look at some it to see if we could use some of the resources contained in this. Thanks for your advice and God bless brother

 

[Xantippe]

God bless you too Monicad.
My Mum’s quite fragile and she has had issues all along. She moved here a long time ago so I feel a responsibility to look after her. You are very right though. I need to move my life along especially with the amount of time I feel I’ve wasted. I got a degree and post graduate degree and have 12 years of experience in my profession but I have no real friendships or a relationship. I have dropped things to come back to my Mum but the thought of leaving her to it disturbs me. This is a comparatively recent thing; well when I say that I mean about 6-7 years. I feel angry at myself that I didn’t focus and get really good at my work at the very least instead of procrastinating.

Thanks Mountee. God bless you

Thanks Xantippe. My Mum has respite care but it’s very limited. They call 3 times a day and provide medication from a strong box and wash and dress her so that is a good support.
Excellent idea about blocking out some time. I need to spend more time than two nights a week but it’s a start. Another thing I need to do is to create some SMART goals for myself as I feel a bit aimless.
I also feel it’s too late for me with my age

God bless you too Ed. My Mum doesn’t want to go into assisted living although the other day she said to me if it’s necessary. After that she became so stressed that she couldn’t get out of bed. I wouldn’t want to force anything on her but I agree the best option is the one where she can manage and cope with the situation she’s in. Moving her into a home or far away from it (as you described) wouldn’t suit her.
The social worker is someone I could talk to if it got worse and thanks for that heads up.Her psychogeriatric consultant is very poor too and he’s seen her a handful of times in 4 years. He does exactly the same thing every time; gives her a short term memory test and tells me that she doesn’t seem too bad. Then he blames her GP for not reviewing her medication even though he recommended 50% of her prescription!
I know that her problems are caused by anxiety and show delirium symptoms. Her shrink told me that he would find it difficult to treat anxiety so I asked the GP to forward her to another consultant and the GP refused. I had considered going for a private consultation (we don’t pay for medical care here) to get a diagnosis and if she doesn’t get her Hip operation date within the next 2 weeks, I will do that. The reason for that is that the Hip operation and her inability to move or get out and about could be a contributory factor in increasing her delirium as well as the pain killers she’s been on which are very strong.
She’s had scans which have shown no evidence of degenerative brain functionality but I’d still like a neurologist or someone with some professional competence to look at her. That will help her and me. Where I live now and the standard of health care makes me fully understand why people move to cities. I had a look at those links and a lot of it is relevant to the Republic of Ireland but I’ll talk to her consultant (the new one!) and have a look at some it to see if we could use some of the resources contained in this. Thanks for your advice and God bless brother

That’s really awful about the psychogeriatric consultant.

From what I hear (my family has strong professional ties to the mental health specialty as well as a lot of mental health needs), it’s really hard to find a good psychiatrist, and it’s especially difficult to find one that is competent to deal with multiple issues in the same patient. The interactions get very difficult to deal with. And I suspect you are correct about the benefits of the big city–some of our relatives have recently moved into a large city in Canada because the suburban hospital just was not up to dealing with a complicated mental health situation (PTSD, substance abuse issues, short term memory loss due to brain injury, and if that wasn’t enough, some unidentified mental health problem).

I would definitely encourage you to get her to some sort of private specialist–in the US, the place to look would often be at a teaching hospital where they do research on her type of condition. With an evaluation and some help with drugs (and it may take quite a while to get the drugs right–this stuff is very tricky and individual), you may find that the situation improves enough that the out-of-pocket outlay more than pays for itself.

It is definitely not too late for you.

Best wishes!