advice

[HNA444]

ok so to make a long story short, a so-called friend of mine whom recently i am not close with anymore has a book that i let her borrow about 6 months ago, and since than she hasn’t even read it!!! But, since we no longer talk, i want my book back. I did not want or want her to think i was being rude by asking her for it, but i really want it back , if she isn;t going to read it and i don’t want to forget about it. So, i ended up texting her that my cousin wanted to read it and if i could have it back. I tried to be as nice as possible. she texted me back, saying yes u can have it , and thats it. I asked her when she thinks i could get it, even though she should come give it to me. She texted saying she will let me know when she is off work. that was 2 weeks ago, and she has no mentioned anything to me. Should i ask her again? I don’t want to be rude, but i don’t think it’s nice of her to say she will give me it and than not tell me anything , when she knows i want it. i know it’s just a book, but the point is, i asked her for it back and it’s not hers to keep. What should i do???

 

[ljubim]

Call her! That way she can’t give a one sentence answer and drop it. Also if she lost it or is trying to take it, a call just might reveal that.

And depending on how awkward your relationship is now… be honest and say it’s not my cousin, it’s me, I just didn’t want to be rude.

That’s what I would do anyway. Sorry you have to deal with such drama

 

[HNA444]

Call her! That way she can’t give a one sentence answer and drop it. Also if she lost it or is trying to take it, a call just might reveal that.

And depending on how awkward your relationship is now… be honest and say it’s not my cousin, it’s me, I just didn’t want to be rude.

That’s what I would do anyway. Sorry you have to deal with such drama

lol ur so sweet. thanks i know i have been dealing with drama lol… but the reason i don’t want to call her is because i know she won’t answer, she never talks on the phone she only text messages, that’s why i texted her in the first place. i don’t want to call, and than have her ignore me and feel stupid. i wanted to text her again, but i don’t want to be rude. it’;s tought dealing with so-called friends who do not care about u for no reason and act childish. i try really hard to always be the better person, sometimes i just want to say rude things to them!!! lol

 

[HyeDetroit]

I would text her saying to bring the book to work and that you would be coming in to get it.
If she doesn’t respond either her phone number has changed or maybe she lost the book.

I have let my friends borrow clothes, dvds, books, and I would be lucky if half of them were returned (not always their fault, sometimes I forget they have it, moving away, don’t talk anymore etc.).
Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet, if the book wasn’t expensive maybe just forget about it. It may not be worth all the trouble to get it back.

 

[rk1776]

If she doesn’t give it back, she’s stealing. Ask for it. Who cares how she feels.

 

[HNA444]

If she doesn’t give it back, she’s stealing. Ask for it. Who cares how she feels.

lol … yea, it’s not even the boook, i can go buy it again, but it’s just the principle!! it’s my book and i asked her for it, she should have the decency to give me it back don’t u think??? i don’t want to be rude, but i hate when people do things like this!!

 

[aicirt]

Drop it. Stop texting. Go buy another book. Are you sure it is about the book or keeping up a relationship with someone who may not want a relationship?

You don’t want to become obsessive. Books get lost this way all the time. You learn never to loan.

 

[Newbie2]

Text her again. It’s not rude to be persistant as long as you’re cordial and not demanding.

Some folks are slow to respond, busy, etc. Clearly, returning your book is not a priority for her. Help her to make it a priority. Offer to meet her somewhere to pick it up.

 

[HNA444]

Drop it. Stop texting. Go buy another book. Are you sure it is about the book or keeping up a relationship with someone who may not want a relationship?

You don’t want to become obsessive. Books get lost this way all the time. You learn never to loan.

Its not about the book that i want!!! It’s the principle… i asked her for it back, and she doesn’;t even give me it back. That’s not right. I don’t want a relationship back with her at all, i just don’t think it’;s right to take something of mine and not give it back when i asked for it. i don’t even care for the book, i can clearly go buy another one. i just feel like she’s doing it on purpose

 

[aicirt]

Its not about the book that i want!!! It’s the principle… i asked her for it back, and she doesn’;t even give me it back. That’s not right. I don’t want a relationship back with her at all, i just don’t think it’;s right to take something of mine and not give it back when i asked for it. i don’t even care for the book, i can clearly go buy another one. i just feel like she’s doing it on purpose

Yes, you are right. I think she’s doing it on purpose too. For whatever reason, she’s trying to get you upset and she’s succeeding.

So your choice is to continue to ask, ask, ask, and get more and more upset over a book you don’t really care about OR stop letting her control you and drop the subject.

If and when she does change her tactics when she is no longer getting a rise out of you and offers you that book, you can accept it without saying a word OR tell her you don’t want it, she can keep it and then move on.

 

[HNA444]

Yes, you are right. I think she’s doing it on purpose too. For whatever reason, she’s trying to get you upset and she’s succeeding.

So your choice is to continue to ask, ask, ask, and get more and more upset over a book you don’t really care about OR stop letting her control you and drop the subject.

If and when she does change her tactics when she is no longer getting a rise out of you and offers you that book, you can accept it without saying a word OR tell her you don’t want it, she can keep it and then move on.

Yea, true. Thanks

 

[Joe_5859]

I would agree that, on general principle, you have a right to have your property returned to you. Thus, you have a right to expect this person to return your book.

However, sometimes, the best course of action isn’t always to assert our rights. Sometimes, it can be noble to simply let it go, even though you have a “right” to demand restitution.

I’ve lost books over the year because of lending to the unconscientious. I say a prayer and hope that perhaps that book is out there doing more good than it would be sitting on my shelf collecting dust. Perhaps this person hasn’t read this book yet, but maybe they’ll pick it up two or three years down the road and it will be a moment of conversion for them. Wouldn’t that be worth forfeiting your right to have the book back? (Though I suppose this only works if it was a Catholic book you lent to her )

Believe me, I used to get really worked up about these sorts of things (I still recall that kid in fifth grade who borrowed a quarter from me and never paid me back…seriously!!!). But I’ve found it’s really not worth dwelling on.

 

[HNA444]

Well, it wasn’t a catholic book… it was just a fun book to read …a self-help book kind of. I lent it to her and she never read for the 6 months or more she had it. I just found it rude , that’s all. But, yea it’s not worth dwelling on after all.

 

[KrazyKaiju]

DON’T TEXT!

In my personal opinion, texting isn’t a really spectacular practice. I’d much rather have an audio conversation because of certain elements that are contained in such a dialogue (like emotional nuances). It’s easy to screw things up when you’re texting but not-as-difficult to screw things up when on a phone or something. (Oh yeah…I messed up many of my friendly relationships via e-mail or IM, not on the phone. That’s the reason I’m saying this. I refuse to get in AIM anymore. It kinda pains me to look at it.)

That was my off-topic rant. Just try talking to her - and calling her, mind you - again. Two times should do it. If not, just get a new one. Then that’s it.

 

[HNA444]

Thank you all for ur advice ! it helped. But, i ended up texting her again asking her if she thinks i could have my book back. and she said that she will ship it to my house!!! i thought that was very rude, because we live about 25 min away from each other, and i would have picked it up from her, rather than her come to me. Than i tell her my address and say thanks, she texts me saying she would rather give the book to a mutual friend to give to me. And, the reason she probably did that is because she probably thought about all the fuss shes going to have to do just for a book. But, i ended up telling her to just ship it, because that’s what she said. do any of u think i did anything wrong?

 

[Lorrie]

Thank you all for ur advice ! it helped. But, i ended up texting her again asking her if she thinks i could have my book back. and she said that she will ship it to my house!!! i thought that was very rude, because we live about 25 min away from each other, and i would have picked it up from her, rather than her come to me. Than i tell her my address and say thanks, she texts me saying she would rather give the book to a mutual friend to give to me. And, the reason she probably did that is because she probably thought about all the fuss shes going to have to do just for a book. But, i ended up telling her to just ship it, because that’s what she said. do any of u think i did anything wrong?

I think you did nothing wrong. She said she would ship (mail) the book to you, she came up with the idea, let her spend the $3 to do it!

I understand why some people are saying, “Take the high road, buy another book”, but it’s the principal of this whole deal that is irking me. It’s your book and you’re entitled to have it back, plain and simple.

If she wants to overly act like she’s trying to avoid you then let her spend the money. Her acting this way is comical at best.

 

[HNA444]

I think you did nothing wrong. She said she would ship (mail) the book to you, she came up with the idea, let her spend the $3 to do it!

I understand why some people are saying, “Take the high road, buy another book”, but it’s the principal of this whole deal that is irking me. It’s your book and you’re entitled to have it back, plain and simple.

If she wants to overly act like she’s trying to avoid you then let her spend the money. Her acting this way is comical at best.

Aw, thank you for understanding my point!! I appreciate that, because I feel like people on here are thinking I am stingy for my book, but it wasn’t about the book. Thanks for supporting my point!

 

[Lorrie]

Aw, thank you for understanding my point!! I appreciate that, because I feel like people on here are thinking I am stingy for my book, but it wasn’t about the book. Thanks for supporting my point!

I don’t think the people who have posted on your thread were thinking you were stingy about wanting your book. I think they were saying, “It’s not worth it, take the high road, forget about it, etc.”

I do understand what you’re saying though (regarding the principle of it). Situations like this (in my own life) tend to irk me to no end. When I’m in a predicament like this I feel like someone is trying to treat me like a doormat, like they’re walking all over me. I’ve lost so many clothes, DVD’s, books, earrings, shoes, etc. to so called friends because I didn’t speak up. Finally a few years ago I said, “No more!” I still let friends borrow things but if I don’t have the item(s) back within a few weeks I’m on them like white on rice!

 

[HNA444]

I don’t think the people who have posted on your thread were thinking you were stingy about wanting your book. I think they were saying, “It’s not worth it, take the high road, forget about it, etc.”

I do understand what you’re saying though (regarding the principle of it). Situations like this (in my own life) tend to irk me to no end. When I’m in a predicament like this I feel like someone is trying to treat me like a doormat, like they’re walking all over me. I’ve lost so many clothes, DVD’s, books, earrings, shoes, etc. to so called friends because I didn’t speak up. Finally a few years ago I said, “No more!” I still let friends borrow things but if I don’t have the item(s) back within a few weeks I’m on them like white on rice!

haha, i know what you mean!! I feel the same way. I always feel bad or I try to be nice, but people take advantage of you when you are nice. I speak up a lot more now than I used to, but I just don’t want to do hurt anyone’s feelings.

 

[Lorrie]

haha, i know what you mean!! I feel the same way. I always feel bad or I try to be nice, but people take advantage of you when you are nice. I speak up a lot more now than I used to, but I just don’t want to do hurt anyone’s feelings.

I know exactly what you mean. I was the same way when I was younger (re: not having much of a voice). I think one acquires a voice with age (or from being stepped on too many times, laugh.)

The key is to be nice but firm, sweet but direct, charming but…you get the idea. And in this situation I think you’ve done exactly that. You’ve been extremely courteous by waiting for 6 months on the return of your book and when inquiring about it you haven’t been ugly to her.

Having a “voice” can be bad and it can be good. It all depends on how you use it. When it comes to this I say, “Good job!”