Advice

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Alkene

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Hello, I am seeking advice about a difficult situation I am in.

My husband and I do not use any form of birth control. My husband believes NFP is only to be used in dire situations, but does not believe our situation to be dire.

We have two children, and with both pregnancies I suffered from severe depression, mood swings and mental break downs. Before getting pregnant I suffered mild depression every few years, but it seems becoming pregnant agitates it into something I can’t handle.

After our first I was very scared to get pregnant again, but my husband insisted we do not use NFP. He wants a big family. I got pregnant again and had the same experience…some things were easier (like this time I didn’t try to physically injure my husband) but some things were harder. I left my husband and my daughter for 4 days and refused to see either of them… I wanted to run away until I gave birth to the baby, then give my husband the baby and leave for good. None of this makes sense to me now, but I was …just…not myself. I was suffering from delusional thoughts and severe depression and anxiety.

I was on medication after my daughter was born and halfway through my second pregnancy but I got off of it because of the potential risk to the baby.

I just don’t know what to do now. My husband doesn’t know how to reassure me or convince me to have more kids… but he keeps trying. It seems like he doesn’t understand the fear I have…especially as our family grows. I don’t want my kids to be subject to my mood swings and to me possibly abandoning them.

I have discussed this with my husband and he thinks everything will be okay…even if I end up scaring our children in the process, because all parents will in one way or another hurt their kikds (we are all sinful).

To me though, our situation is dire and I think it would be best for me to not have more children at this point in our lives. My husband is just not convinced… he asked me to seek out council.

Do you have any advice or thoughts on the matter?

Prayers are appreciated as we try to determine which choice is best for our family. Thank you for taking the time to read through.
  • Alkene
 
Alkene said:

“My husband and I do not use any form of birth control. My husband believes NFP is only to be used in dire situations, but does not believe our situation to be dire.”

NFP to avoid is for serious or just reasons. I suggest you read Humanae Vitae together and see a pastor you respect to talk about what are serious or just reasons.

“After our first I was very scared to get pregnant again, but my husband insisted we do not use NFP. He wants a big family.”

It’s not uncommon for men to underestimate the gravity of women’s mental health issues that can be exacerbated by hormone fluctuations associated with pregnancy or breastfeeding. I had a friend who seriously wigged out for a while under the influence of severe lactational amenorrhea, and her husband (who is a smart guy) was totally clueless as to how close she was to the edge.

You may also wish to take him to meet with your OB with him and/or a mental health professional, so they can explain to him how genuinely dire your situation is.

A “big family” probably is not a reasonable goal for a woman with your handicaps.
 
Alkene said:
Hello, I am seeking advice about a difficult situation I am in.

My husband and I do not use any form of birth control. My husband believes NFP is only to be used in dire situations, but does not believe our situation to be dire.

We have two children, and with both pregnancies I suffered from severe depression, mood swings and mental break downs. Before getting pregnant I suffered mild depression every few years, but it seems becoming pregnant agitates it into something I can’t handle.

After our first I was very scared to get pregnant again, but my husband insisted we do not use NFP. He wants a big family. I got pregnant again and had the same experience…some things were easier (like this time I didn’t try to physically injure my husband) but some things were harder. I left my husband and my daughter for 4 days and refused to see either of them… I wanted to run away until I gave birth to the baby, then give my husband the baby and leave for good. None of this makes sense to me now, but I was …just…not myself. I was suffering from delusional thoughts and severe depression and anxiety.

I was on medication after my daughter was born and halfway through my second pregnancy but I got off of it because of the potential risk to the baby.

I just don’t know what to do now. My husband doesn’t know how to reassure me or convince me to have more kids… but he keeps trying. It seems like he doesn’t understand the fear I have…especially as our family grows. I don’t want my kids to be subject to my mood swings and to me possibly abandoning them.

I have discussed this with my husband and he thinks everything will be okay…even if I end up scaring our children in the process, because all parents will in one way or another hurt their kikds (we are all sinful).

To me though, our situation is dire and I think it would be best for me to not have more children at this point in our lives. My husband is just not convinced… he asked me to seek out council.

Do you have any advice or thoughts on the matter?

Prayers are appreciated as we try to determine which choice is best for our family. Thank you for taking the time to read through.
  • Alkene
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Would your husband be willing to go to marriage counseling, especially one through Catholic Social Services?
 
Alkene said:
Hello, I am seeking advice about a difficult situation I am in.

My husband and I do not use any form of birth control. My husband believes NFP is only to be used in dire situations, but does not believe our situation to be dire.

We have two children, and with both pregnancies I suffered from severe depression, mood swings and mental break downs. Before getting pregnant I suffered mild depression every few years, but it seems becoming pregnant agitates it into something I can’t handle.

After our first I was very scared to get pregnant again, but my husband insisted we do not use NFP. He wants a big family. I got pregnant again and had the same experience…some things were easier (like this time I didn’t try to physically injure my husband) but some things were harder. I left my husband and my daughter for 4 days and refused to see either of them… I wanted to run away until I gave birth to the baby, then give my husband the baby and leave for good. None of this makes sense to me now, but I was …just…not myself. I was suffering from delusional thoughts and severe depression and anxiety.

I was on medication after my daughter was born and halfway through my second pregnancy but I got off of it because of the potential risk to the baby.

I just don’t know what to do now. My husband doesn’t know how to reassure me or convince me to have more kids… but he keeps trying. It seems like he doesn’t understand the fear I have…especially as our family grows. I don’t want my kids to be subject to my mood swings and to me possibly abandoning them.

I have discussed this with my husband and he thinks everything will be okay…even if I end up scaring our children in the process, because all parents will in one way or another hurt their kikds (we are all sinful).

To me though, our situation is dire and I think it would be best for me to not have more children at this point in our lives. My husband is just not convinced… he asked me to seek out council.

Do you have any advice or thoughts on the matter?

Prayers are appreciated as we try to determine which choice is best for our family. Thank you for taking the time to read through.
  • Alkene
Click to expand...
You definitely need professional psychological counselling as well as a Catholic oriented Marriage Counselor. Please make an appointment to see the Pastor of your Parish, or of the Church you regularly attend A.S.A.P.; explain your situation as you did here, and get a referral for counselling from him
 
Alkene,
What you describe sounds more like postpartum psychosis, which is more rare and more serious than postpartum depression. It does not sound like your husband is treating you as an equal partner, with a large say in the matter of family planning. I would very much recommend that the both of you go to counseling- whether to your parish priest at first or contact catholic charities or something, but it is important that you are under professional care. This is a matter that should not be lightly dismissed, especially since a) one time you resorted to physical violence b) you stated you had delusions c) as a couple, you have not agreed upon a family planning scenario and d) you physically left your family for four days. If that last one did not wake your husband up to the fact that you require extra care and consideration, and that your present children need a healthy and happy mother, I don’t know what would.
 
Alkene,
GK Chesteton wrote this: “But I do say, to start with, “What can we do for posterity, except deal fairly with our contemporaries?” Unless a man love his wife whom he has seen, how shall he love his child whom he has not seen?” (in his book *Eugenics, *Chapter 8).

It seemed like an idea which might be helpful to you. Your husband seems to have an ideal in his head and to be ignoring the reality on the ground.
 
“What can we do for posterity, except deal fairly with our contemporaries”

That is a great quote, St. Francis!
 
I agree with the other posts, and would also suggest that you discuss adoption as an alternative way to have a large family. As things stand now, it doesn’t seem worth the risk for you to suffer through another pregnancy, but a large family is still possible.

The above posters are correct that it doesn’t seem like your husband is respecting you as an equal partner. It is not healthy or Christlike to force pregnancies upon an unwilling wife, especially when they put you through this! It’s downright selfish. Your feelings and wants are just as valid as his, if not more so. After all, you’re the one experiencing these difficult (almost impossible!) pregnancies, and it’s your body and mind that have to suffer through them. I repeat the suggestions to seek out your pastor and a Catholic marriage counselor. And I’d either start using NFP or abstain until you get these things figured out!
 
Alkene said:
To me though, our situation is dire and I think it would be best for me to not have more children at this point in our lives. My husband is just not convinced… he asked me to seek out council.
Click to expand...
I agree with your husband, you should seek out council.

BUT…he needs to come along!

Whether you see a psychologist, doctor, counsellor, or priest, it should be a process you undertake together. Hopefully by hearing advice from professionals regarding your mental health and from your priest regarding “dire” reasons (as pointed out, this isn’t even the right term to apply to NFP), he will be convinced to repect your struggles and not pressure you into further pregancies that are serious problems (note, the term “serious” is the right term to use regarding NFP).
 
Monicad said:

“Obviously your husband either has a totally different memory of what happened during your pregnancies or has chosen to forget.”

That’s an interesting theory, and I think it could be true without any malice on the OP’s husband’s part.

I’ve had a number of conversations with my husband (on much less important subjects) where I discovered that he had absolutely no recall of various negative events that we had both experienced, whereas I remembered every detail and was eager to prevent a repeat. (I’m trying to think of examples where this has happened, and I think the primary one was travelling long-distance with 10 month olds-3-year-olds. I remembered all the horrors of repeatedly trying to put a big baby or toddler down to sleep in a strange bed, while my husband couldn’t remember any of it until I reminded him.)

So, maybe he needs to have his memory jogged, perhaps with the help of your OB and your mental health professionals? I’m sure you have a nice fat file or files–you might want to talk to health care practitioners (with your husband there), review the files at home together, and then go talk to a priest whose judgement you trust about the content of the files.

Best wishes!
 
Alkene, Where did your husband learn about NFP? I’m just curious. You might ask him to read this article regarding just reasons for NFP use. It’s not dogma, obviously, but it makes a lot of sense to me and I think it’s compelling.
 
As a lot of people here know, I am NOT a fan of NFP and it has never worked for me. That being said, I think that what you are describing, if accurate, is a case where NFP is not only acceptable but is necessary. I do agree with your husband that you need to seek council. You should be monitored and also medicated if necessary. If you have struggled with depression even before your first pregnancy it’s not going to get better on it’s own. You need help and your husband needs to have a professional explain that to him.
 
Alkene said:
Do you have any advice or thoughts on the matter?

Prayers are appreciated as we try to determine which choice is best for our family. Thank you for taking the time to read through.
  • Alkene
Click to expand...
I will pray. This situation sounds really serious to me, and I agree with a lot of the advice you’ve gotten. This isn’t something that can be ignored, and I don’t think it’s realistic to expect you to go through this again and again. You at least need help and advice from an expert on these kinds of problems.
 
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