Advice

[MariaBernadette]

I’ve been dating a man for some months now. Everything was great, we discussed marriage etc until a few weeks ago when he assumed something about me and somewhat rudely made known his assumption. Then last week we had contunual “discussions” about stuff.
Out of all of this I’ve come to find out that due to a situation that happened when he was a protesant minister (he’s since returned to the Catholic Church) he developed deep anger at the protestant denomination and has now spread that anger to the Catholic Church as well. He says he doesn’t agree with “religion” as an institution and is angry at the Church for the abuse issues anong other things.
Anyway, I dont know if this will cause an issue later on etc. I am looking to grow spirituality with someone, and I don’t know if this will be a barrier to that.
Opinions.

 

[1ke]

I think those are the exact types of problems that dating is meant to discern and weed out. Bringing that type of belief into a marriage is toxic. Particularly for future children of the marriage.

His communication with you also seems to have the same immature emotional issues-- assuming things, rudely communicating this to you… sounds problematic.

I think you’ve found a deal breaker. He has unresolved emotional issues. Not a healthy candidate for a solid marriage.

If it were me, I’d move on. I think it’s an indicator of deeper issues.

And yes, dating someone who “doesn’t believe in religion” definitely is a barrier to growing together in the Catholic faith.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve been dating a man for some months now. Everything was great, we discussed marriage etc until a few weeks ago when he assumed something about me and somewhat rudely made known his assumption. Then last week we had contunual “discussions” about stuff.
Out of all of this I’ve come to find out that due to a situation that happened when he was a protesant minister (he’s since returned to the Catholic Church) he developed deep anger at the protestant denomination and has now spread that anger to the Catholic Church as well. He says he doesn’t agree with “religion” as an institution and is angry at the Church for the abuse issues anong other things.
Anyway, I dont know if this will cause an issue later on etc. I am looking to grow spirituality with someone, and I don’t know if this will be a barrier to that.
Opinions.

He sounds kind of terrible–he’s showing a really ugly side of himself, and you’ve only been dating for a relatively short period of time.

I agree with 1ke.

 

[pianistclare]

I concur with the others…please don’t fall into thinking that you yourself will be able to “fix” his thinking.
These things have to be resolved from within oneself.
I’m sorry, but you deserve and can find better.
God bless you. At least you found out early.

 

[MariaBernadette]

He sounds kind of terrible–he’s showing a really ugly side of himself, and you’ve only been dating for a relatively short period of time.

I agree with 1ke.

He’s not kind of terrible…he has a medical issue and was having a bad day …not to excuse his behavior at all, but it was a one time thing with the rudeness. Obviously he has some unresolved emotional issue but at the same time who comes into a relationship perfect.
I brought up that I was concerned about this being an issue and he made a point to say that many catholics and non catholics marry and are fine. We are both too old to have kids so thats likely not going to happen.
He does pray the rosary daily and attends Mass on Sundays…hes not really wanting to do any more than that according to him ( he says he’s happy with doing the little bit that he does and that works fine for him) although we have started praying an additional prayer during the day together (at his prompting) since all of this happened.
I didn’t mean to give the wrong impression of him based on one argument. He does have a lot of good qualities but I am very concerned about his anger issues with the church. Of course I know that God can change his heart to so do I wait and see if God changes heart or call it all good and move on.
And just for full disclosure I do have emotional feelings for him so it will be hard to move on if that’s something that needs to happen.

 

[SuperHappy]

If you are looking to grow spiritually and your boyfriend only wants to do the absolute minimum for the church, I feel that it will become an issue in the future.

If you have only been dating a few months, even though your emotions are involved, it is a good time to pray and re-evaluate the relationship. You will want a relationship that enhances your life, not one that makes you feel conflicted.

Blessings to you!

 

[Xantippe]

He’s not kind of terrible…he has a medical issue and was having a bad day …not to excuse his behavior at all, but it was a one time thing with the rudeness. Obviously he has some unresolved emotional issue but at the same time who comes into a relationship perfect.
I brought up that I was concerned about this being an issue and he made a point to say that many catholics and non catholics marry and are fine. We are both too old to have kids so thats likely not going to happen.
He does pray the rosary daily and attends Mass on Sundays…hes not really wanting to do any more than that according to him ( he says he’s happy with doing the little bit that he does and that works fine for him) although we have started praying an additional prayer during the day together (at his prompting) since all of this happened.
I didn’t mean to give the wrong impression of him based on one argument. He does have a lot of good qualities but I am very concerned about his anger issues with the church. Of course I know that God can change his heart to so do I wait and see if God changes heart or call it all good and move on.
And just for full disclosure I do have emotional feelings for him so it will be hard to move on if that’s something that needs to happen.

You said in your OP, “Then last week we had contunual “discussions” about stuff.”

A week-long series of “discussions” sounds pretty terrible for a couple who should be enjoying a relatively conflict-free period.

If you haven’t done so already, I would suggest you pick up Boundaries in Marriage (you’re not married, but it’s relevant) and a book by John Gottman on how good relationships work.

Good luck!

 

[Lou2U]

He’s not kind of terrible…he has a medical issue and was having a bad day …not to excuse his behavior at all, but it was a one time thing with the rudeness. Obviously he has some unresolved emotional issue but at the same time who comes into a relationship perfect.
I brought up that I was concerned about this being an issue and he made a point to say that many catholics and non catholics marry and are fine. We are both too old to have kids so thats likely not going to happen.
He does pray the rosary daily and attends Mass on Sundays…hes not really wanting to do any more than that according to him ( he says he’s happy with doing the little bit that he does and that works fine for him) although we have started praying an additional prayer during the day together (at his prompting) since all of this happened.
I didn’t mean to give the wrong impression of him based on one argument. He does have a lot of good qualities but I am very concerned about his anger issues with the church. Of course I know that God can change his heart to so do I wait and see if God changes heart or call it all good and move on.
And just for full disclosure I do have emotional feelings for him so it will be hard to move on if that’s something that needs to happen.

Think about what you do in your faith - go to church every Sunday, pray every day, study your faith and talk about it…would you like your future husband to do the same, and have the same interest in Catholicism as you? Then think about the person you’re dating. Will he do those things?

Honestly, you have a very good reason for wondering about this. I know you’ve said it was a one off and he was having a bad day - but I think you might be wondering if it really is a problem. And I think it is.

You can’t grow in something if you have a partner who is unwilling or apathetic. If you want to become more spiritual but he doesn’t like religion as an institution, or the Catholic Church, then that is a conflict of interest between you. You can’t grow spiritually with someone who doesn’t want to move. You can’t ignore it and hope it works because you can’t change his thoughts. I think it would be best for you to move on.

Lou

 

[ShrodingersCat]

With discerning a relationship, the head and the heart must discern. There are certain things that should be red flags. At that point, the head needs to take over no matter what the heart says.

Some red flags apply to everyone (for example, history of abuse, addictions, etc). Some red flags are more specific to an individual. For me, lack of interest in the faith was one of the bigger red flags.

 

[1ke]

Of course I know that God can change his heart to so do I wait and see if God changes heart or call it all good and move on…

What you do is base your decisions on what is, not what might be or what you would like to be.

You must operate with the fact of how he is. If you cannot accept that how he is now is how he will be for your entire marriage, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Marrying someone with the secret hope or wish or belief that it is just a matter of time before they change to be what you actually want is (a) not fair to the person who has told you who they are and what they believe and (b) setting yourself up for unmet expectations and conflict in marriage.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

You post for advice. Advice is given, then you try to defend him.

I know it hurts to let a bad decision go but that is what this time is for.

 

[Rosebud77]

I have known happy couples where one is not interested in the faith of the other…

The anger is a different matter.

does he talk about what actually caused it?

I was abused in many ways in many churches including RC but my faith is in Jesus and I know that it was because there are people making bad choices in every church Some of what went on still bewilders but that was their choice and their responsibility

He needs to sort this else it will fester and poison life for him and for you. Praying for you.Bless you!

 

[MariaBernadette]

Just an update-
We broke up last Saturday. Friday night I went to Adoration and I prayed and asked that if I wasnt meant to be with him that he would break up with me (although I never thought that would happen), the next day he shocked me by breaking up with me (via text no less).
He wanted to stay friends but he’s been kind of emotionally abusive, especially since the break up, so I cut all contact with him.

 

[Xantippe]

Just an update-
We broke up last Saturday. Friday night I went to Adoration and I prayed and asked that if I wasnt meant to be with him that he would break up with me (although I never thought that would happen), the next day he shocked me by breaking up with me (via text no less).
He wanted to stay friends but he’s been kind of emotionally abusive, especially since the break up, so I cut all contact with him.

Good. Stay busy.

You can do better, even all by yourself.

 

[pianistclare]

yup. He’s not the one.

 

[Lou2U]

Just an update-
We broke up last Saturday. Friday night I went to Adoration and I prayed and asked that if I wasnt meant to be with him that he would break up with me (although I never thought that would happen), the next day he shocked me by breaking up with me (via text no less).
He wanted to stay friends but he’s been kind of emotionally abusive, especially since the break up, so I cut all contact with him.

You’ve done the right thing. He’s shown his true colours, and you’re better off without him.

Lou

 

[Sugabee43]

He’s not kind of terrible…he has a medical issue and was having a bad day …not to excuse his behavior at all, but it was a one time thing with the rudeness. Obviously he has some unresolved emotional issue but at the same time who comes into a relationship perfect.
I brought up that I was concerned about this being an issue and he made a point to say that many catholics and non catholics marry and are fine. We are both too old to have kids so thats likely not going to happen.
He does pray the rosary daily and attends Mass on Sundays…hes not really wanting to do any more than that according to him ( he says he’s happy with doing the little bit that he does and that works fine for him) although we have started praying an additional prayer during the day together (at his prompting) since all of this happened.
I didn’t mean to give the wrong impression of him based on one argument. He does have a lot of good qualities but I am very concerned about his anger issues with the church. Of course I know that God can change his heart to so do I wait and see if God changes heart or call it all good and move on.
And just for full disclosure I do have emotional feelings for him so it will be hard to move on if that’s something that needs to happen.

Sorry, but I think your emotions are getting the better of your common sense. I would walk away if I were you. Just noticed your last update- I’m glad the Lord gave you a clear direction!!!