Advise is greatly appreciated...your prayers too please! Thank you!

[iluvmybabies]

Last night my daughter’s step mother sent her a text message and pic messages of her kids… My daughter has made a point to her before she’s not ready to interact with her nor her children the woman doesn’t understand…doesn’t stop bothering my daughter…even calls herself mommy K!^ (hiding true name here) to my daughter as if my daughter wants to call her mommy??!

She asked if she wanted to go visit them for Spring break, daughter asked me and I told her “it’s your choice make it yourself, if you are ready to meet your father’s new family!” She lies to her stepmother and sends a reply back, I think she did it to get out of the situation fast but instead got me into it… She wrote back saying “NO, I can’t go!” Mommy K writes back who said you can’t go, daughter responds “mother”…Then Mommy K tells her that its not right that their father wants to see them and I am being rude and greedy about the situation how much their father loves them so much etc etc etc…getting me name called and told off as if I have anything to do with her husband’s inability to be a good father??? Daughter tells her I am just not ready… she asks why not, she responds saying she just isn’t and to drop it…Mommy k continues with her texting…

a month ago daughter wanted to be in girlscouts, I had just given her 20 dollars for cheerleading and 20 dollard for girlscouts, then they were asking for an additional 61 dollars for girlscouts daughte knew we were short on cash at the moment so she goes and asks her father for help but she manipulated the situation the way her father taught her many years ago, turning me into the bad person as if I didn’t want to give her the money and how her friendships depended on it, her father responded with “I sent your mother child support tell her to give you the money!” She then responds with “we never get any of that money ever!” He responds with “WHAT?”

So my own daughter whom I have loved more than life itself has been turning against me in trying to see which parent over works themselves harder for her…The sad thing is that her father doesn’t send her anything and washes his hands with “I sent your mother child support tell her to give you that money!”

I explained to her that child support isn’t sent for me to give them that money for them to splurge on whatever they want, that money is sent for their SUPPORT, their food, clothes, entertainment, roof over their heads, it’s to make up for the missing parent to help the other parent give the children food to eat etc…

She apologized for her behavior…

I told her once how would she like it if I did what her father does, tell her “I paid for your clothes, your food, your electricity your cell phone for your toys your cheeleading stuff drove you around picked you up from school dropped you off so now I don’t have to do anything else for you I get to keep my money and give ou nothing!” She said she wouldn’t like it…I told her to remember that next time she’s trying to talk about me behind my back…That she was not going to have me as a friend anymore because friends don’t hurt each other nor betray each other…

Last night she brought me into the discussion with her step mother as if i have anything to do with their bs…Mommy K kept writing telling her how important it was for her to meet her and the kids and be with her father etc and how money was a problem because he didn’t have any making us think she was trying to say because he pays child support, it’s my fault he can’t see his kids…I reminded my daughter how many times I offered him to come even infront of my fiance to come visit the children i would pay for him to come here and he responded the last time “oh yeah I am going to just drop everything to go over there!”

I have never lied to my daughter, he sent her a picture 2 weeks ago of a brand new car saying it was his then when she responded with “if you say you dont have any money how are you buying a car?” He snapped blaming me for everything and telling her he loved them more than I loved them?!

I am so tired of this ****…I don’t know what to do…I made her respond to her step mother telling the truth how I told her it was her choice not mine, if she felt ready she explained that she lied and told her the truth, mommy k responded with ok well why dont you want to come? she said “i dont know where you live we have no address from you guys, and I am not ready!” She said why not daughter responded she just isn’t mommy k responded with if he goes to visit would you see him daughter responded with “i have been waiting for 3 years for him to come here like he promised to come here how would you feel?” mommy k said well don’t even let me get started with my father and the relationship of my children’s father, at least yours tries! Your mother should appreciate that and should let you guys come over here!" Daughter responds with my mother has nothing to do with this leave her out she has told me countless times how she would send him the money to come he never came, your father is not my father i have to go to sleep good night!"

Daughter was very upset, I don’t know how to help her… I don’t know what to do…I am tired of being in the middle of this **** as if I have anything to do with his lack of fatherly love…

your advise and prayers are greatly appreciated…Not sure what to do…

 

[that_name]

Your daughter needs to be disciplined for lying.

Next, take her OUT of the discussion of money and child support. That is none of her business or worry. Give her an allowance, she can spend that on girl scouts (a group that supports planned parenthood, BTW).

Third, buy some of Dr Laura’s books about divorce, read them and follow the advice.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Your daughter needs to be disciplined for lying.

Next, take her OUT of the discussion of money and child support. That is none of her business or worry. Give her an allowance, she can spend that on girl scouts (a group that supports planned parenthood, BTW).

Third, buy some of Dr Laura’s books about divorce, read them and follow the advice.

Well yes she was disciplined, her new toys from XMAS were removed from her bedroom…

I don’t bring out child support and please advise on what other way do you explain you can’t afford something?

I didn’t have her join the girl scouts so she can go to planned parenthood, BTW, she wanted to join because her friends are very outgoing, they get to go out and do outdoor activities, help others, and have extra curricular activities like arts, crafts, skating, sports etc…

What does a divorce book have to do with anything? I don’t understand that one???

I thank you for your advise…

 

[whatevergirl]

*(((iluvmybabies))) So sorry to hear this. I understand why you punished her, but…I dunno. Your dd didn’t ask to be in this mixed up mess with your ex who sounds like a piece of work, and her stepmom…a bigger piece of work. She is confused, and it is so terribly sad when kids have to choose things that are in the adult realm. She doesn’t want to hurt you, she doesn’t want to call this woman mom, but she has to make very tough choices at her young age. I wouldn’t accept lying either, but she is troubled…like many kids in these situations. This is no fault of your own, I know the story about your ex. It is just heartbreaking to me to see kids that get stuck in the middle like this, having to make decisions that no kid should have to make. Ánd we wonder why our youth is not innocent anymore. (I’m just on a tirade about your ex, I know you are a good person, and doing your best as a mother)

And at the end of the day, you are looked at as a bad guy. I don’t know the solution, but I offer you my prayers.

PS–I now see that the cell phone your husband ‘‘bought’’ her, is going to such good use. (I remember your thread a few months back about that whole thing) Water seeks its own level…he found a manipulative woman to join forces with him, and the cell phone is a medium for drama, how sad!!! I don’t mean to sound harsh, but your dd is so young to have to deal with such adult drama. *

 

[iluvmybabies]

*(((iluvmybabies))) So sorry to hear this. I understand why you punished her, but…I dunno. Your dd didn’t ask to be in this mixed up mess with your ex who sounds like a piece of work, and her stepmom…a bigger piece of work. She is confused, and it is so terribly sad when kids have to choose things that are in the adult realm. She doesn’t want to hurt you, she doesn’t want to call this woman mom, but she has to make very tough choices at her young age. I wouldn’t accept lying either, but she is troubled…like many kids in these situations. This is no fault of your own, I know the story about your ex. It is just heartbreaking to me to see kids that get stuck in the middle like this, having to make decisions that no kid should have to make. Ánd we wonder why our youth is not innocent anymore. (I’m just on a tirade about your ex, I know you are a good person, and doing your best as a mother)

And at the end of the day, you are looked at as a bad guy. I don’t know the solution, but I offer you my prayers.

PS–I now see that the cell phone your husband ‘‘bought’’ her, is going to such good use. (I remember your thread a few months back about that whole thing) Water seeks its own level…he found a manipulative woman to join forces with him, and the cell phone is a medium for drama, how sad!!! I don’t mean to sound harsh, but your dd is so young to have to deal with such adult drama. *

Hi whatevergirl…thank you for your help… I am at a loss seriously…I dont mean to be rude to her or mean or anything like that but bringing me also into this is not fair either…these people don’t understand she’s still young and not in a good moment in time you know?! They just want to push her as if its ok instead of understanding her manipulating her again…

i knew you would remember the whole cell phone thing…yup so far working out marvelous!

I know she is, I know she is very young and shouldn’t have to deal with this…Not at all…

I don’t know how to help her i really dont and I don’t know what to tell her to comfort her…I don’t know how to deal with those people…you know?! They make me want to hurt them the way they hurt her seriously! AS horrible as that sounds forgive my lack of control over hormones but that’s how they make me feel! I dont like feeling this way but i hate seeing my child cry and suffer! I am trying to make positive and good memories for her not negative and all these people do is hurt her!!!

I am just so sad, and feel so bad for her…I wished there was a way I could make this all go away for her!

Thank you for your prayers!

 

[that_name]

Here is how you explain it to the kids:

Our budget will permit X for extracirricular activities.

When they ask or beg for more, repeat like a broken record “our budget will permit X for activities”.

The books are professionals who help parents of broken families manage the horrible situation in a better way.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Here is how you explain it to the kids:

Our budget will permit X for extracirricular activities.

When they ask or beg for more, repeat like a broken record “our budget will permit X for activities”.

The books are professionals who help parents of broken families manage the horrible situation in a better way.

Thats still bringing in money situation…

I have done that all ready…to all 3 children…I am not that ignorant as to how to speak with them in the most delicate way possible and the only reason child support was brought up was because of her father telling her about it…to my 11 year old whom is forced to deal with these things “honey we have our budget set for this anything after that will have to wait for another time!” Doesn’t last more than about 30 seconds…then the screaming and tantrums and fighting and “why don’t you ever have enough money to get me what I want!” Starts… She’s learning slowly…it’s a work in progress and it gets harder with a father that tells her “i sent you mother all my money tell her to give you some to get the things you want!” Doesn’t help much…

I am not trying to make excuses just trying to explain situations and how my life with my manipulated daughter is like on a daily basis…

Thanks again…

 

[Marysann]

Your poor daughter needs some help to deal with all of this. I realize that finances are a problem in your family right now, but this young girl needs counseling. If you talk to your pastor he might be able to give you a referral to Catholic Charities. They should be able to provide counseling for your daughter and you too, if you think it would help you to deal with this miserable situation. They should have a sliding fee scale so that you would only pay what you could afford. You have a lot of years ahead to deal with your ex and his wife, it would be good to get help for your daughter now before things get even worse.

 

[PeterMuz]

Well yes she was disciplined, her new toys from XMAS were removed from her bedroom…

I don’t bring out child support and please advise on what other way do you explain you can’t afford something?

I didn’t have her join the girl scouts so she can go to planned parenthood, BTW, she wanted to join because her friends are very outgoing, they get to go out and do outdoor activities, help others, and have extra curricular activities like arts, crafts, skating, sports etc…

What does a divorce book have to do with anything? I don’t understand that one???

I thank you for your advise…

So I guess I am kind of answering a question you asked “that_name”, but Dr. Laura gives some of the best advice around for people in situations like yours. You should listen to her radio show. There are lots of people in the same situation and he may help to hear how they resolve issues.

It’s always hard trying to explain to a child why you cannot afford something. Its one of those difficult things in life, but it will help her understand that you are not not paying because you are using the money for yourself.

Also, your daughter needs your emotional support right now. I know you are in a tough place in life, but so is she. One could make the argument that she is in a harder spot than you are, being that she is so young and now is the time she is forming habits etc. You both have a lot to gain by being each others best friends. You said something in your first post about things she should think about next time and she would lose your friendship if she continued talking about you. Just remember, she shouldn’t have to think about this stuff. She is the one in the middle. Your daughter needs your love and support, even more than you need her respect and obedience.

I will pray for you and your daughter. I hope that everyone involved in the situation can resolve this enough to at least recognize the tough position everyone is in and try to get along. I will pray for the father. It sounds like he instigates a lot. I’m sorry.

Here are two links that you might benefit from. One is a list of patron saints of children whose parents are not married and the other is patron saints of divorced people. Ask those saints to pray for you and your daughter. Pray is best advice I can give.
saints.sqpn.com/patrons-of-children-whose-parents-were-not-married/
saints.sqpn.com/patrons-of-divorced-people/

 

[zz912]

I know you don’t want to be involved in the middle of the conversation/drama between your daughter and her dad and stepmom, but you are her mom, and you will be and need to be. She doesn’t have the maturity or defenses to deal with what seem to be two very manipulative and destructive people. You’ve got to be the protector of her and help her understand what is happening and how to work through the issues.

You also need to have a tough conversation with the stepmom. She sounds like a habitual line-stepper (she continually tests and crosses boundaries). Sad to let you know, but those people only respond to being firmly checked back into place. Otherwise they keep inching past the boundaries. You need to let her know that she is not to engage in this type of behavior, and if she does, her lines of communication will be severed. (Remember, she has NO rights with respect to your daughter, only her father does. By marrying him, she did NOT inherit any of those rights.)

You need to be the protective wall between your daughter and these people. And she is at the age where you can start to be very honest with her about what you are doing and why. She needs to understand this so that as a teenager and adult, she builds the defenses and maturity to handle these people.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Your poor daughter needs some help to deal with all of this. I realize that finances are a problem in your family right now, but this young girl needs counseling. If you talk to your pastor he might be able to give you a referral to Catholic Charities. They should be able to provide counseling for your daughter and you too, if you think it would help you to deal with this miserable situation. They should have a sliding fee scale so that you would only pay what you could afford. You have a lot of years ahead to deal with your ex and his wife, it would be good to get help for your daughter now before things get even worse.

We’ve done the counseling thing before, last year for over 6 months because he kept lying to her about visiting her, she kept getting overly frustrated with him took it out on everyone even tried hurting herself she was only 9 when she tried to do this…it was very painful to see her deal with things…and when i told him she had to go see a counselor he responded with “look who her mother is!” There is no reasoning with him there is no talking there is no communication there is no compromise its his way or the highway its his laws or nothing he doesnt care for his kids he just wants to ruin them…and hurt them esp our daughter whom he had manipulated for many years…

i think I will need to go back and take her to counseling…I am going to call someone today…She needs help badly…I dont need her feeling anymore pain from this man and his wife…

 

[iluvmybabies]

So I guess I am kind of answering a question you asked “that_name”, but Dr. Laura gives some of the best advice around for people in situations like yours. You should listen to her radio show. There are lots of people in the same situation and he may help to hear how they resolve issues.

It’s always hard trying to explain to a child why you cannot afford something. Its one of those difficult things in life, but it will help her understand that you are not not paying because you are using the money for yourself.

Also, your daughter needs your emotional support right now. I know you are in a tough place in life, but so is she. One could make the argument that she is in a harder spot than you are, being that she is so young and now is the time she is forming habits etc. You both have a lot to gain by being each others best friends. You said something in your first post about things she should think about next time and she would lose your friendship if she continued talking about you. Just remember, she shouldn’t have to think about this stuff. She is the one in the middle. Your daughter needs your love and support, even more than you need her respect and obedience.

I will pray for you and your daughter. I hope that everyone involved in the situation can resolve this enough to at least recognize the tough position everyone is in and try to get along. I will pray for the father. It sounds like he instigates a lot. I’m sorry.

Here are two links that you might benefit from. One is a list of patron saints of children whose parents are not married and the other is patron saints of divorced people. Ask those saints to pray for you and your daughter. Pray is best advice I can give.
saints.sqpn.com/patrons-of-children-whose-parents-were-not-married/
saints.sqpn.com/patrons-of-divorced-people/

Thanks I appreciate your help!

Thank you so much for your prayers… You are right…I need to be closer to her not push things further because I know she needs me as much as I need her…

 

[flyingfish]

Don’t feel like your kid is turning on you, she’s so young she doesn’t think like that.

It must be really hard for a kid to tell an adult that she doesn’t want to hang out with them when the adult is being pushy, saying that you told her she couldn’t was a way to protect herself. I wouldn’t feel bad about that. It’s too much pressure on a kid to make that kind of a decision.

The stepmom is behaving very inappropriately by having those kinds of conversations with an 11 year old.

 

[chevalier]

You also need to have a tough conversation with the stepmom. She sounds like a habitual line-stepper (she continually tests and crosses boundaries). Sad to let you know, but those people only respond to being firmly checked back into place. Otherwise they keep inching past the boundaries. You need to let her know that she is not to engage in this type of behavior, and if she does, her lines of communication will be severed. (Remember, she has NO rights with respect to your daughter, only her father does. By marrying him, she did NOT inherit any of those rights.)

I agree. Don’t shy away from taking legal steps if things get out of hand, from sharply defining visitation rights to a restraining order. As for your ex supposedly not having money, if there is evidence that he might be saying mutually exclusive things on separate occasions, that could disprove his claims and perhaps improve the amount of child support he is obligated to pay.

 

[PeterMuz]

…it’s a work in progress and it gets harder with a father that tells her “i sent you mother all my money tell her to give you some to get the things you want!” Doesn’t help much…

I will pray for the fathers maturity, it sounds like he could use it. Do you have any contact with him? At some point even though the two of you are not together and may never see each other, you still have to find a way to have a united front in raising your children. I know this is easier said than done, but that is something I would pray about and search for.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I know you don’t want to be involved in the middle of the conversation/drama between your daughter and her dad and stepmom, but you are her mom, and you will be and need to be. She doesn’t have the maturity or defenses to deal with what seem to be two very manipulative and destructive people. You’ve got to be the protector of her and help her understand what is happening and how to work through the issues.

You also need to have a tough conversation with the stepmom. She sounds like a habitual line-stepper (she continually tests and crosses boundaries). Sad to let you know, but those people only respond to being firmly checked back into place. Otherwise they keep inching past the boundaries. You need to let her know that she is not to engage in this type of behavior, and if she does, her lines of communication will be severed. (Remember, she has NO rights with respect to your daughter, only her father does. By marrying him, she did NOT inherit any of those rights.)

You need to be the protective wall between your daughter and these people. And she is at the age where you can start to be very honest with her about what you are doing and why. She needs to understand this so that as a teenager and adult, she builds the defenses and maturity to handle these people.

I want to be…but i dont want to get introuble with any law or anything that can protect his wife as his wife or him because he’s trying to “be a good father” and I am the evil witch!!! DENYING HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS!

You have no idea how badly I wanted to get on that phone and ring her off the hook! How badly I just want to go over there and hurt them the way they hurt her, of course that’s wrong and my way of thinking isn’t all that great when i am angry at the moment dealign with a lot of hormonal imbalances right now, but it’s true, how could they live with themselves knowing they are hurting a child? WORST MY CHILD! I have stuck up for my kids in every possible situation, when the teachers kept calling my son retarded etc and wanting to fail him because they had no patience I didnt give up and I didnt let them, he has ADD and I knew he had some problems that needed a little extra attention from school teachers they just didnt want to deal with him, I made sure they did! When my daughter lied to me about the unfairness of her not being able to eat breakfast because of her violin class I snapped at the school and her teacher for not saving anything for her yes she lied and told me it was because she didnt have enough time after violin class because her teacher made them eat fast, I of course apologized for putting them in their place after daughter lied to me… BUT I don’t know how to defend her against these people! I just dont! Thats the main reason I left him, he had my daughter as a damn puppet and I had to take her to counseling once…I am devastated unable to help…What can I really do?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Don’t feel like your kid is turning on you, she’s so young she doesn’t think like that.

It must be really hard for a kid to tell an adult that she doesn’t want to hang out with them when the adult is being pushy, saying that you told her she couldn’t was a way to protect herself. I wouldn’t feel bad about that. It’s too much pressure on a kid to make that kind of a decision.

The stepmom is behaving very inappropriately by having those kinds of conversations with an 11 year old.

Yes I understood that one, I knew that’s why she told her I said NO so that her stepmother would not cross that boundary and question her mother instead it turned worst for her esp when she was talking bad about me…it was hard for her to write anything back knowing what she said was a lie just to try and get out of the situation…

What can I say to that woman? I was advised before to just leave things be…How do I speak with her about speaking with my daughter? And what boundaries are ok and not?!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Anyone who hasn’t been in an divorce with a narcissist has NO clue what it’s like. THEY bring up money and other inappropriate discussions to young children. My kids would do the same… ask their father for something and he’d say “That’s what I pay child support for. Go ask your mother.” As he bought new cars and motorcycles and luxuries and diamond rings for his fiancees. They saw me in a used old car trying to get by.

Sure it’s logical to say “Don’t talk about money to kids.” Yeah. Try that in the real world. If you remain silent, you look like you have no defense to his accusations that you’re hiding the money from the kids. If you say “He only gave me this much and YOU cost THIS much” then YOU somehow become the bad guy. It’s a no-win situation.

Luv, I suggest you do two things. Block step-mommy from your daughter’s phone. That phone was given so daddy could call her. Not so step-mommy could call her and harrass her and insist on her calling her mommy and rant about money and demand your daughter come visit.

Have your lawyer write a cease and desist letter to her or something. She is no relative of your daughter. Her badgering a young girl is harrassment.

The other option is for you to confiscate the phone and put it on silent and only let your daughter use it once a night to make an outgoing call. And when the ex complains, you say your daughter was sick of the harrassing calls from his wife/fiancee/whatever she is.

As for the money… you just tell your daughter: Next time I get an envelope in the mail with money from your father, I’ll show it to you. Any time he sends me money, I’ll show it to you.

I promise.

Then let her wait till hell freezes over. Let her go out to the mailbox every day and see if there is a check from daddy.

If you do get one (haha. Yeah, right.) you show it to her. Then you sit down with her and show her how a budget works and where that money goes… so much to dental care, food, clothing, school fees, books, shoes… Oops. Money ran out? Gosh. Amazing how that happens.

It’s not too early for your child to learn that money does NOT grow on trees and that you’re not Rockefellers and you say no to yourself all the time about things you’d like and she has to also.

When she complains there isn’t enough money, all you can do is say “Well, get a good education and a good job and maybe your life can be better someday.”

Hang in there. The teenage years make it worse. I hate to say it. She’s getting there. If you can find a counselor for her, do it! She needs to vent to an outside adult who can give her a realistic perspective on life.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I agree. Don’t shy away from taking legal steps if things get out of hand, from sharply defining visitation rights to a restraining order. As for your ex supposedly not having money, if there is evidence that he might be saying mutually exclusive things on separate occasions, that could disprove his claims and perhaps improve the amount of child support he is obligated to pay.

I am unable to take legal steps…I even called the police over there to try and get him under check for his emails and telephone calls and harasments they did nothing… nothing at all… not only that but the money situation is pointless he got approved for child support reduction based on his income hes working 2 jobs they are not willing to investigate just go with what he turns in…that’s it…i am done figthing with him over child support i am leaving it up to GOD let His will be done…

 

[iluvmybabies]

I will pray for the fathers maturity, it sounds like he could use it. Do you have any contact with him? At some point even though the two of you are not together and may never see each other, you still have to find a way to have a united front in raising your children. I know this is easier said than done, but that is something I would pray about and search for.

Been there done that…no i do not have communications with that man…since you dont know my history with him I will tell you its literally impossible to have any kind of civilized conversations with him…everything is about him and his injustice not the kids…it’s about how i mistreated him how much better the kids would be with him and his fantasticly wonderful wife i cant deal with that…a conversation of me telling him “hi the children are fine doing great in school they are so big sent pics check them out ttyl” turns into him saying “your a b i hate you for taking them from me you will rot in hell wow it’s amazing how GOD loves you but doesnt give a **** about me you always get what you want!” etc etc etc etc i cannot live hearing this on a 24/7 basis…

I have stopped all communications but I promise his wife will hear me today! She has crossed a boundary she has no business in!!!