Advise is greatly appreciated...your prayers too please! Thank you!

[iluvmybabies]

Sorry to hear the problems caused by your ex and his new wife, Iluvmybabies. Your daughter would be a whole lot better off, if your ex was dead or gone without a trace. I would actively work to cut this toxic father and stepmom out of the life of my child, given the problem they caused and continue to cause. You should document the damage - how your ex and his wife keep undermining your daughter’s peace, how your daughter needed therapy because of that, how they tried to manipulate her against you and tried to undermine your parental authority etc. Just have this stuff documented, keep the text messages etc, and cut them out of your child’s life as much as possible. And if they start complaining and threatening you with legal action, and your ex will no doubt cry crocodile tears and pretend that this is all about a father’s love for his child, and how his heart breaks from not being able to see his daughter - you just pull out your file and defend yourself. How he kept promising to visit his daughter and led her on with a false promise, etc.

Block them as callers from your child’s cell phone, and set some new ground rules. Only allow them to call, e.g. in the evening between 6 to 8 pm, on the landline, while you are at home and in the same room with your child. Also, there’s no need for your daughter to go visit them. C’mon, we already know how malicious they are, they will only upset your daughter more. Your ex can come visit his daughter - and if he is too lazy or uninterested to do it, all the better. The less contact your daughter will have with them, the less they can hurt her, and that’s what you want.

Hi Joseph, thanks for your advise and yes that’s how I feel the less she communicates with her the better…When he doesn’t write or call her she’s this little angel sent from heaven…when he texts or writes or sends her pics she changes completely…she has so much anger towards him it’s frustrating…she told me a few weeks ago “why don’t you let me tell him off i hate him!” I was like because he’s your father and we respect them no matter how they are…

Its not my cell phone its her father’s cell phone, since in february we have to go back to court because he got his approval. YAY FOR HIM to reduce child support dramatically, well, he had to show the court that he at least tries to communicate with his kids…I have sent the court tons of proof of his manipulation of his harassments of his cruelty towards the kids and myself all they tell me is “get a lawyer!” IF i could I Would you know?!

I can’t afford to send them over there but countless times I offered him to pay for his ticket to visit his kids his excuses “oh i dont get vacation oh i dont have time oh what you expect me to drop everything just because!” It’s like WHAT IN THE WORLD?! But he’s the innocent hard working father whom dies for his children every day! Guess what he got them for CHRISTMAS? NOTHING!!! Oh wait he sent child support. that’s right!

Yet he had pics of going to Disney world 4 times with his new family in a period of 3 years, football games, partying life, etc…I sent all this information to the court and they instead of investigating first hand where I told them to call him up and tell him what I sent them, he deleted all proof before i had time to save them…I had nothing… Very disappointing you know?! Oh well such is life…

I wrote to mommy k haven’t heard from her in these days, hopefully it stays that way you know?!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Yes, I know. I’m a non-practicing lawyer myself at the moment. The jurisdiction is different but some things are all the same. I wonder who could have contacts to attorneys and I don’t only mean one that will work pro bono or won’t overcharge but one that’s good enough and isn’t a happy-go-lucky that will take family stuff even though he doesn’t have much expertise there. I would ask around the parish. There’s got to be one among the parishioners or at least someone who knows one. If there’s any ministry dealing with broken families, there are bound to be people with first-hand experience with family attorneys, from child custody disputes to restraining orders.

Oh, and Flyingfish’s e-mail is very, very good. But don’t delete text messages that could serve as proof of your case.

Thanks I will ask around, I don’t know anyone but let me tell you if I find one I will be so eternally grateful for that person’s help because my kid needs it you know?! thanks!

 

[iluvmybabies]

+1.

Additionally, the letter was a good idea. If it continues, very unemotionally, tell her that she will be having no further contact with your daughter b/c of her behavior. You don’t need to be upset, angry or emotional about it. YOU have control, and you do NOT need to convince her of anything, or argue about anything. You are the parent,and she is not. As to the father, he must abide by the same rules, and if he steps over the line, document it, and let him know that harming your child is a big no-no, and if he continues, his contact will be terminated. Period. As I said, there is no arguing or trying to convince them. Just tell them very unemotionally that this is the way it will be.

Thanks ZZ easier said then done…when I tried to tell exhusband how much he was hurting her with his fake promises and she tried hurting herself he turned it into “well if you wouldn’t take all my money I would go see them, I thought you would stop taking it all ready! well look at the kind of mother she has I would have done the same thing!”

There is no reasoning with this man, there is no unemotional there is no nicely there is no talking to him about rules he makes them himself…It’s ridiculous…

this past year I have him my tiny tot to claim in his income taxes to lower down his arrears 13 grand of it in 3 years, he gave my child to someone else kids and I never got a single penny out of it…

He makes everything work out for his own benefit…I mean everything…he got his wish, he got his approval for lowering child support payments…Like I said he gets everything his way…Always has and always will…Pretty sad for my kids…He washes his hands with their needs by saying this “I gave your mother child support tell her to give you that money!”

 

[iluvmybabies]

Iluv- I am so sorry you are going through this,

Went through a bunch of stuff wiht my stepd before I married my dh. She wanted the adoption by her grandparents b/c it was the first choice presented to her by her grandparents (at 9 years old.) unbeknownst to him at the time. so fast forward when dh and I told her we would be willing to take her in to our household as she would be able to now have a stable two parent household with her father her exact response was, “I wish I had known all the facts before I answered.” We even found out from the school counselor that she had spent the full year before that crying in the office b/c she wanted to live with daddy. Well between court, fighting and arguing between the two couples, the child was getting torn apart.

My dh made the only decision he could he severed his rights. He tried to keep peace with his parents - we had one final blow out when my MIL was trying to wear the same color dress as my mother to the wedding and then started telling me about my morals and then I tried to peacefully talk to her about things and she insulted my mother. My dh at that point made it clear that he had picked his wife.

That also meant he only had contact with his daughter by phone and email and I had none. He saw her a couple of times for dinner and once I saw her in the last year. When they found out I was to be there they made her curew an hour earleir.

What’s weird is that my dh and his daughter are like minded - she and I also have always had the same Patron Saint (weird since it is not one I owuld of thought of her picking.) She always asked me the tough questions not her grandmother and knew I didn’t lie. She altar served at our wedding and was proud to do it. Her grand parents were not invited.

What it ended up boiling down to is that my MIL had a horrible relationship with her step mother. It impacted many things. My dsd also wanted a relationship with us. She is now 11. It is natural for her to be rebellious. She saw what was wrong and encouraged her grandparents to do what was right. It is amazing that sometimes children can understand things that we cannot.

My dsd calls me by my first name. She hugs me. She also obeys me as a parental figure out of respect for the matrimonial to her father. Does not mean she doesn’t test me. I think the best bet in this is to have your daughter write the letter to her father and let him know that she does not want a relationship with her extended family until she has a relationship with him. Eventually she will be old enough to make her own decisions, she will see what is right and wrong - she will act and emualte accordingly. Be the example.

Hi Joan! It’s difficult when you think the new wife of your exhusband will be a good person and find out she’s the same like him! A manipulative rude and pushy person… Then the hopes you had for your children’s ability to “hey maybe if this woman is great she will help change him and see his wrongdoings and won’t mistreat the kids anymore!” Turn into OMG what’s going on here?!

I am here for my kids, I dont stop working for them, I don’t tell them “well I spent all my money last week on you so this week it’s all for me!” Like my exhusand does “I sent your mother child support tell her to give you money!”

It’s painful to a child to hear this even if she’s trying to turn both sides against each other to see whom gives her the bigger better deal even though I am the one providing it all for them…

i dont think its fair shes in the middle but i think its even worst when i am brought in it when i dont have anything to do with her choices…i have tried to explain to her that honesty is the best policy and not lying but she doesnt seem to care for honesty when shes trying to get more out of one parent than hes willing to give…

she’s learning slowly i can tell but hopefully she will learn quickly whom is the one that truly cares and wants the best for her and whom is only using her like always for his own greedy pity attention getting benefit…

 

[joandarc2008]

Hi Joan! It’s difficult when you think the new wife of your exhusband will be a good person and find out she’s the same like him! A manipulative rude and pushy person… Then the hopes you had for your children’s ability to “hey maybe if this woman is great she will help change him and see his wrongdoings and won’t mistreat the kids anymore!” Turn into OMG what’s going on here?!

I am here for my kids, I dont stop working for them, I don’t tell them “well I spent all my money last week on you so this week it’s all for me!” Like my exhusand does “I sent your mother child support tell her to give you money!”

It’s painful to a child to hear this even if she’s trying to turn both sides against each other to see whom gives her the bigger better deal even though I am the one providing it all for them…

i dont think its fair shes in the middle but i think its even worst when i am brought in it when i dont have anything to do with her choices…i have tried to explain to her that honesty is the best policy and not lying but she doesnt seem to care for honesty when shes trying to get more out of one parent than hes willing to give…

she’s learning slowly i can tell but hopefully she will learn quickly whom is the one that truly cares and wants the best for her and whom is only using her like always for his own greedy pity attention getting benefit…

OK this is my advice for whatever it is worth. Since your daughter has been put in the middle - I have found from my dsd’s experience that she is the only one that can decide to remove herself from it. Here is what I would do - take it or leave it:

1. Sit her down and pray for wisdom
2. Read the Catechism concerning the decalogue on Honor they mother and father…
3. Discuss said Catechism reading as you read and how it applies to her.
4. Pray again for wisdom and patience…and more patience…and some more.
5. Have daughter write letter to df explaining how she feels about dsm (dear step mom) and when she would like to talk to him, etc.
6. Proofread and rewrite letter until it is completely 100% respectfully written (I would recommend doing this on a computer - it may take a few rewrites )
7. Print, have dd sign, put cell phone in envelope, mail back to xh.
8. Go to confession and talk about whatever.

Done.

 

[flyingfish]

Do you think your husband got your daughter the cellphone only so that he could show the court the communicates with her?

Your daughter is 11, maybe you can show her your budget so she has a better understanding of where the money goes. If she sees that all of it gets spent on basics, she’ll be more understanding of why she can’t have everything she wants.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Do you think your husband got your daughter the cellphone only so that he could show the court the communicates with her?

Your daughter is 11, maybe you can show her your budget so she has a better understanding of where the money goes. If she sees that all of it gets spent on basics, she’ll be more understanding of why she can’t have everything she wants.

Thanks flyingfish, I showed her budget and where money goes, she kind of just ok thanks! kind of attitude…

I really believe that is the only reason he got the cell phone for her since we are going to court next month…he doesnt communicate with the boys just her and now his new wife communicates with her too…

just thought i should let everyone know, GOD help me, I lost the cell phone! I dont know what i did with it when i took it from her and told her she didn’t have to txt them anymore if she didnt want to…unless she wanted to say hi or something…then it disappeared! GOD forbid i get into trouble for that…

Well thanks everyone for the advise, prayers and help! GOD BLESS!

 

[that_name]

Be prepared to pay for that cell phone. It is the property of your ex husband, he can demand it be replaced.

 

[joandarc2008]

Thanks flyingfish, I showed her budget and where money goes, she kind of just ok thanks! kind of attitude…

I really believe that is the only reason he got the cell phone for her since we are going to court next month…he doesnt communicate with the boys just her and now his new wife communicates with her too…

just thought i should let everyone know, GOD help me, I lost the cell phone! I dont know what i did with it when i took it from her and told her she didn’t have to txt them anymore if she didnt want to…unless she wanted to say hi or something…then it disappeared! GOD forbid i get into trouble for that…

Well thanks everyone for the advise, prayers and help! GOD BLESS!

I know you didn’t do it on purpose - but it might be better to fess up to it and tell him that it was lost - you don’t need to tell him who. Just tell him it was lost, and you need to know how much is owed to replace the model.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I know you didn’t do it on purpose - but it might be better to fess up to it and tell him that it was lost - you don’t need to tell him who. Just tell him it was lost, and you need to know how much is owed to replace the model.

That’s like if my daughter would have lost it, I wouldn’t have to replace it…He barely sends child support I don’t have money to replace his phone…Besides I told him I wouldn’t be held responsible if he sent it when he was sending it to begin with, if he would have kept his wife under control maybe i wouldn’t have felt the need to take it away from my overly depressed and stressed daughter to begin with…I placed it someplace where I said it wouldn’t bother her, but i can’t remember where, if it was in a drawer, or in the closet have looked, maybe on the mantle, but it’s not there…told her today to look for it under the couches…Usually my 7 year old grabs all the cell phones to play with, usually, he lost our keys we were without keys for a week thank GOD we had spare ones, he didn’t fess up till almost a week later when we found them! Found them in a trash box he had cleaned up his room saw them and since he figured we had extra ones threw them away, it was a good thing when we picked up the box they jiggled and we found them… And since I have looked every place I could have possible put it in, the only next thing has to be my 7 year old taking the damned thing like he does with every other thing that’s not his… I will have to ask him today… Hopefully daughter finds it under one of the couches or her brother’s bed!!!

SO much drama…UGH! I really wished I could remember what happened to it…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Well like I said I was right…son had it…daughter just let me know my 7year old found it all of a sudden, when she let them know how important it was for them to help her find the phone… She said 7 year old found it in 9 year old’s pocket!!! Well I am glad for mother instincts let me tell you! KIDS!

 

[joandarc2008]

Well like I said I was right…son had it…daughter just let me know my 7year old found it all of a sudden, when she let them know how important it was for them to help her find the phone… She said 7 year old found it in 9 year old’s pocket!!! Well I am glad for mother instincts let me tell you! KIDS!

I guess the 9 year old knew what was good for the 11 year old all along.

 

[purplesunshine]

When it comes to difficult parental situations of separation one of my friends said the best thing her mom ever did was tell my friend to blame her when her dad, step mom or older step-sister got to be to much. She was around the same age–middle school–when she was going through this. My friend’s mom documented with a lawyer and school psycologist that she was allowing the daughter to “blame” her whenever she felt too stressed to deal with a situation. And she knew that her mother would back her 100%…which gave her the confidence to stay out of situations.

Now, this was years ago, when it was something to have 2 phone lines in the house…so having a cell phone…

But in all honesty “loose” the cell phone again. You agreed to have it so her dad could contact her. You will now have to play phone police. Block the number. If you can’t go to the provider kiosk in the mall and they’ll do it for you. Let her dad know that he can call her on that but no one else in his life is EVER allowed to call her on that phone. If the step-monster continues then the phone stays in X spot during the day and your daughter can check messages with you present at an assigned time (eg, before/after school). If her dad has left a message she is allowed to excuse herself for a private conversation if she wishes.

I also can’t imagine the pain the 7 & 9 yo are going through knowing daddy calls their sister on the cell phone. I wonder if it’d do any good if they started picking up or sis handed the phone to them when daddy was on.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I guess the 9 year old knew what was good for the 11 year old all along.

LOL I really think so too! He had it stashed away in his pocket, was it the 7 year old that got it or the 9 year old first and then gave it to the 9year old or did the 9 year old just decide to grab it and keep it GOD knows! LOL All i know is that it’s found and daughter has it back again…The only reason she likes it is because she can listen to music all day long and watch her fav videos on youtube… Her father said it was ok to use it for that…She’s into Hannah Montana and kids stuff like that so yeah…

I asked her if he’s written she said no…

Hopefully it stays that way…

 

[iluvmybabies]

When it comes to difficult parental situations of separation one of my friends said the best thing her mom ever did was tell my friend to blame her when her dad, step mom or older step-sister got to be to much. She was around the same age–middle school–when she was going through this. My friend’s mom documented with a lawyer and school psycologist that she was allowing the daughter to “blame” her whenever she felt too stressed to deal with a situation. And she knew that her mother would back her 100%…which gave her the confidence to stay out of situations.

Now, this was years ago, when it was something to have 2 phone lines in the house…so having a cell phone…

But in all honesty “loose” the cell phone again. You agreed to have it so her dad could contact her. You will now have to play phone police. Block the number. If you can’t go to the provider kiosk in the mall and they’ll do it for you. Let her dad know that he can call her on that but no one else in his life is EVER allowed to call her on that phone. If the step-monster continues then the phone stays in X spot during the day and your daughter can check messages with you present at an assigned time (eg, before/after school). If her dad has left a message she is allowed to excuse herself for a private conversation if she wishes.

I also can’t imagine the pain the 7 & 9 yo are going through knowing daddy calls their sister on the cell phone. I wonder if it’d do any good if they started picking up or sis handed the phone to them when daddy was on.

I never agreed for him to send her the phone I told him it was his choice to send it to her and I wasn’t going to be held responsible, I made that clear when the cell phone in sept was being brought up…since we have child support court coming up next month… So no I didn’t agree to have the phone but I will not allow my kid to be manipulated pushed or hurt anymore if she feels like talking to them she can if not she doesn’t have to anymore…

As much as I’d enjoy being blamed on for everything which I all ready do, I will not allow myself for her to blame me nor anyone else for the issues she has with her father…I am there for her but I am not her pinata so she can beat up on and blame her anger from her father just because… I spent 8 months in therapy with her before, they taught her and helped her learn how to deal with her anger towards her father, obviously didn’t work because she still blames me for all her misery because of him…And I was the one there with her, missing work, making sure she was ok, taking care of her, no one else…I don’t deserve to be blamed on for his ****…

I have all ready dealt with more than enough for this man, I am no longer his scape goat just because, nor am the excuse she needs to blame things on me… I am doing whatever I can to make this child happy and keep her that way but getting blamed on for her father’s bs I am not allowing that…I work too hard for my kids to just let any of them do that to me…

The boys don’t complain about not talking to him, my 9 year old doesn’t even care nor think about him, my 7 year old sometimes does, but he doesn’t ask his sister if he can talk to him so I am not pushing any of my kids to talk to him if they really don’t feel like it or want to…

Also the phone is not under my name it’s under my exhusband’s wife’s name, they won’t allow me to do anything to the phone and me asking my exhusband to keep his wife out of the picture because of her manipulation or even because of her pushiness is like dropping a bomb on top of me therefore, if daughter feels like talking to them she can if not she’s not being forced to at all anymore…It’s not fair for her to suffer and then take it out on me just because of him…I do not allow that…I do not do that to my kids nor anyone else they don’t need to do that as an excuse to deal with their angers and frustrations…If that was the case then everyone would be blamed on for everything…I learned this really slowly and terribly because I didnt have a good friend (mother wise) to help me deal with anger and frustration…I blamed my parents for everything every wrong decision and ok perhaps their mistakes and their inability to be such positive role models in my life led me to make some of the worst decisions in mine, it wasn’t anyone else’s fault for my failures but my own and I had to grow up to realize that…My kids are not being raised like that…They have to take responsibility for their actions, otherwise how in the world will they ever realize what they are doing is wrong when they do something wrong? Or how to deal with anger and frustration if they have to lie or take it out on someone else to feel better about the situation?

I am there for her, and I will always be there for her…I will take care of her as well as possible and try to give her all she needs and some of her wants as much as possible to the best of my ability and my boys too…of course. GOD willing…as long as I can…

 

[joandarc2008]

It is a good thing I am not his ex-wife. I would have taught her how to do free downloads and how to sign up his email address for free incoming junk emails. OK - so thats not very spiritual or nice. But I figured you could use a laugh.

Unfortunately if your dd honestly wants to have a relationship wiht your xh than she may have to learn how to have a relationship with her step mom. Even if that relationship is how not to get arrested during dinner for giving the woman what she so richly deserves. Part of Christ-like love is to remember that whatever respect you would expect her to have “by position” (not by action) for your fiance she must have for her step-mom. That is a very bitter pill to swallow. I know.

I am here if you ever want to PM. Take care

 

[iluvmybabies]

It is a good thing I am not his ex-wife. I would have taught her how to do free downloads and how to sign up his email address for free incoming junk emails. OK - so thats not very spiritual or nice. But I figured you could use a laugh.

Unfortunately if your dd honestly wants to have a relationship wiht your xh than she may have to learn how to have a relationship with her step mom. Even if that relationship is how not to get arrested during dinner for giving the woman what she so richly deserves. Part of Christ-like love is to remember that whatever respect you would expect her to have “by position” (not by action) for your fiance she must have for her step-mom. That is a very bitter pill to swallow. I know.

I am here if you ever want to PM. Take care

You’re funny! Thanks made me smile…can’t laugh lack of sleep! LOL trying to force myself to eat something with protein, eggs and bacon! UGH! Orange juice for the extra vitamin C man I need some energy! Still not sleeping well I hoped it would all be regulated by now! Oh well…

Yeah she kind of does but lately she has realized she kind of doesn’t really want anything to do with him…She yelled at me the other day when he sent her the pic of his “new car” and she wanted to snap on him and told me off because i wouldn’t let her tell him off…Tried to explain what would JESUS DO if HE were in the same situation…she answered it correctly…She felt salty and apologized…She’s very mature for her age in that sense not in any other sense like sexuality or anything like that…Fortunately! LOL I know many around her age all ready talking about having sex and stuff! SCARY!! GOD FORBID! I had a sex talk with her, and explained the spiritual GOD loving way of sex, not the specifics of biology involved you know? More about the reason for sex and the why for sex, not just the “boys will want to touch you don’t let them touch you!” Talk that my dad gave me once…lol…More about how sex is meant to be with your husband and the reasons behind it…how you can be left a single mom without a husband, and with diseases that might not have a cure etc…The school will go into the biological sense of it but as long as she can remember why GOD designed sex for and for whom hopefully she will not have the curiosity ever to try it before marriage…

But back to the subject, yeah it’s really not easy helping my child out with this situation…Esp when she’s the only one getting it from both directions her father and stepmother and her brother’s aren’t even called to at all…I know she feels suffocated and I am glad to have been able to tell her she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to I think she felt a huge weight off her shoulders you know!?

Anyhow, thank you so much and I appreciate your help, support and concern…GOD bless…

 

[joandarc2008]

This is going to sound very wrong but maybe you should encourage your daughter to tell her father how she feels but in a mature rational way.

 

[iluvmybabies]

This is going to sound very wrong but maybe you should encourage your daughter to tell her father how she feels but in a mature rational way.

I don’t think it would be a good idea, that would just open an entire new can of worms…He’ll say things like “Her mother’s influence is causing my daughter to hate me!” And most likely bring it up in court or something like that…I think if they ever see each other again face to face that would be the best time for her to speak her heart and mind in the best way possible about her feelings… you know? That’s just me though…

 

[tbcrawford]

Hi iluvmybabies I have only just come across this thread.I am so very sorry for you and your kids suffering!!!
You are such a good mother and person!
What a very difficult position to be in.You are in my prayers.
My advice might be controversial…How about reverse psychology and try to ‘befriend’
mommyK.I mean speak to each other (business-like polite) and try to connect a relationship you can both work with as regards the children (at this moment your daughter only,but it could one day be the boys too).
Perhaps give her a call one day and say something like.‘I thought it would be a good idea for us to have a chat and get to know each other and so there are no misunderstandings’.
Or ‘we may have gotten off on the wrong foot and I thought it would be good for us to have a nice chat to sort things between ourselves’.
I don’t know, something along those lines. Mind you with the court case coming up probably best to wait a while afgter the outcome.
You don’t have to take my advice its just a thought though! You may never be proper friends but it may help you all in the long run for all concerned.Your children will see there is no animosity or feel they can divide you.When I say you I mean you & your kids with ex husband & wife & her kids!,hope this makes sense!!!
Whatever happens I wish you well you are lovely.A prayer for you

SERENITY PRAYER
O God, grant me to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the diffrence. Amen.