Advise on a disinterested spouse

[dulcissima]

LovedOne:

I also want to add that it is so very true that even if she is “not in the mood” or lacks “desire” - that if she, out of nothing more than LOVE for you - gives herself to you, not only will she be fulfilling her marital vows (as it is a grave sin to deny your spouse the marital embrace) - but she very well may find that she enjoys it more than she thought she would.
Kind of - the more you do it the more you desire it.
There is even a biological/spiritual reality to this. It is how God designed it!

My prayers go out to you.

I just want to second this piece of advice. Sex is definitely the more you do it the more you desire it. If your wife can find it in her heart to give of herself, even though she is not in the mood, I know that she will find that she enjoys it more than she thought she would.

I know a few years ago my husband was always waking me up very early in the morning, like 4:30 or 5, and I am not a morning person. I would always turn him down since I was totally not in the mood and just wanted to go back to sleep. I did begin to see how this affected his mood throughout the day, and decided to stop saying “no”. Guess what I found out? I was more in the mood than I had realized, and I think that your wife would find this out if she gave it a try. She’s had a pretty long dryspell. I would try not to let things go that long. I think once she gets back in the habit of saying yes, she will find herself feeling a lot happier.

 

[Island_Oak]

Dear Distressed:

I was so impressed by the very measured, dignified and unselfish manner in which you presented your dilema. It truly seems as if you have tried to work this problem from every conceivable angle and have now found yourself utterly confounded with how to proceed. Given the distance and lack of familiarity any of us have with the details of your & your wife’s situation, I can only offer validation of your feeling that what is going on in your marriage is not within “normal” limits and you have valid reasons to be frustrated.

There are periods in every marriage where life events intrude and disrupt the ebb & flow of intimate marital unity. But you are and have been operating on the extreme edges for a considerable time. It would seem that at a very minimum your wife needs to know that this situation is potentially compromising the stability of your relationship and that together you need to find a compromise. It is not just an issue of sex per se, but of reciprocal care and concern for the other–giving of the self without emotional boundaries/walls/barricades that is lacking in your relationship.

I would encourage you to participate with her in therapy/couples’ counseling without delay. No matter how heroic your efforts to date, your frustration and discouragement with this situation will only grow over time and gradually erode even the positive aspects of your relationship. The risk to the stability of your family life is nothing to take lightly, and I hope your wife is able to appreciate the importance of working towards a more mutually satifying solution to this dilema.

You face quite a challenge. May God protect and heal your marriage.

 

[Celeste88]

I’m not a doctor but I too was on zoloft. I switched to something else because of the side effects. Your wife should talk to her prescribing doctor, as this drug and others in that catagory have a bad impact on the libido. There is one antidepresent that I’m aware of that actually increases the sex drive, it is Welbutrin. It is not for all patients but maybe your wife can ask her doctor about it.

 

[LynnieLew]

You mentioned that your communication is good, which is good news.

Stepping aside from the medication issue for a moment…

How is your faith life together? Does she understand that by accepting her vocaiton as wife and mother there are certain “duties” (I hate to put it that way) that she is responsible for? Spiritually this is really important.

Also, you mentioned the frequency of which you have been intimate. Aside from the once to conceive, what were the circumstanes of the other couple of times? Could you recreate that situation?

This must be very difficult for you and I feel for your wife as well, as I am sure she is going through many trials. Having been there I also know that an intimate relationship is needed and very healing.

 

[Sparky]

Once you get the medication and its side-effects addressed, you might want to try a retrouvaille retreat. They’re great for helping couples with specific issues like this:

retrouvaille.org/

 

[Ray_Scheel]

DistresedSpouse:

My wife has been in therapy for other reasons (unhappy with jobs, dealing with the death of a parent, sibling rivalry, questions about her being a fit parent, etc), , and I have occasionally (on request) attended in an effort to offer another perspective on those issues for her benefit, and to also raise my concerns about intimacy, and no matter of solution has resolved this issue.

An issue no one else has mentioned is that of ineffective therapy, or even a situation where psychological intimacy with a therapist effectily replaces the intimacy that should be reserved for one’s spouse that the therapist encourages to keep the fees coming in.

The first goal of therapy should be restoration of function. As a married woman, the lack of ability to work up interest in the marital act is a serious imparement of what should be one of her “normal” functions.

The other guiding aspect is that effective therapy should be focused on attaining functional goals in the short term, changing treatment approaches every 6-8 weeks if the methods being taught in sessions are not yeilding visible results, or tuning approaches that work for maximum benefit and/or expansion into other areas where improvement in function is required. Outside of immediate emotional support during a crisis, working at underlying issues should be tackled only after stability and relativly normal function has been acheived.

Your visits with your wife’s therapist should have filled you in on a specific treatment plan and what was going to be tried next if the current approaches to certain issues didn’t result in improvement. I’m betting you’ve heard nothing of the sort, and that your wife couldn’t tell you what her current tretment plan is either. A review of the article linked from the APA website on how to look for a therapist will help in resolving whether this is a problem you are going to have to work around.

That you’ve seen no real progress in several years indicates that she and her therapist are not addressing the low libido interest in her regular sessions. In fact, I’d bet you haven’t seen much change in her functional level in general. I’d get both of you to a Retrouvaille weekend ASAP, and seek out a list of solid Catholic therapists you can visit for marriage counseling together, where another professional can help question what exactly is being accomplished in the therapy track your wife is engaged in (beyond separating you from your money).

Disclaimer: I hold toxic therapy as a significant factor in my currently disentegrating marriage, so I’m biased, but it is a real problem to watch out for.

 

[Siena]

I will pray for you both.

Is she afraid she will get pregnant again?

 

[captaincatholic]

I will pray for you, and for all married couples!

 

[artistspirit]

Being down this road before I can offer you my perspective and my solutions. After reading your post I recalled the same situation in my life several years back. I was dealing with the death of a parent, trying to raise two young girls and running a successful business. I can tell you I was not interested at all in intimacy with my husband. As I look back, I can say that I was sleep deprived, energy depleted, sad about my Mom’s death and overworked. I was not comfortable with Therapy because I think sometimes those medications do more harm than good, unless you no longer can function. I did alot of soul searching, read and listened to many self help series and I decided to just slow down and stop trying to go against the current. I put away the planner, delegated a great deal of my business, and started taking care of myself. After I eliminated a great deal of stress I began to see the important things in life. I began to focus more on my children and I becoming a loving, intimate and supportive wife. It is in my opinion given your wife’s situation (especially with two young children) it is normal to be withdrawing intimacy. What helped me was my husbands patience and understanding. He did not put any pressure on me for intimacy, instead began courting me again without any pressure for anything else. He also supported my decision to step down from my business to focus on my family and myself. He focused more on providing (starting second income business) and I in turn on nuturing. Now that my youngest is in kinder, I work from home part time, but my family always comes first.
As a result my home is happy again.
I see too many women with children trying to do it all at the same time. I heard a phychologist say that today’s working woman with children either sacrifices relationships with their children, husband, or their health or career suffers. As a woman I think she could use praise, support, and time… time to heal and make herself whole again.
Personally: You sound like a virtuous and intelligent man. Unless you and your wife have some serious issues (abuse, addictions, affairs) or inability to function, you don’t need to dive into therapy–good advise and couseling. But don’t depend on the external to fix your marriage. Just my thoughts.

God Bless.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I have friends who always seem to be having problems. Their problems are real, I’m not doubting this, but I look at my relationship with them differently than my relationship with people who seem to not be as troubled. I don’t find myself willing to expect much out of the friends who have problems. I am comfortable being the helper in the relationship.

What I wonder is, how true is that for your relationship with your wife? Are you in a mode where you really need to support her, and don’t see yourself as someone who she has to “take care of” right now. Perhaps her troubles are so strong that she really is incapable of taking care of you, but if not this is what I think: Maybe you need to let her know that you NEED her more, that you are not OK, that you are troubled etc. You are obviously very loving and supportive of her through her struggles - is she aware that you need her to be more loving and supportive of you? Do you let yourself be in that vulnerable a position?

If I were you I might talk to your wife and try to get her to understand that sex is something you really feel you need in this relationship, and come to a compromise. For example: “Ok, I need you to take care of me in this way, honey. Is there any way you’d be willing to try it a little more often, even if you’re not interested? What kind of compromise would you be willing to do?” Then do your best to make it as pleasant as possible (afternoon away from the kids, bubble bath for her, massage for her etc.) Like others have said, she may find it’s more enjoyable than she thought it would be. But if not, if it’s not painful, maybe it’s an act of love she can do for you occasionally?

Honestly, if I didn’t enjoy it or desire it, I am certain I would still have relations with my husband for his sake. I guess I really don’t understand the viewpoint that lack of interest (or even much enjoyment) in sex means you don’t have sex. I see sex as something a marriage needs, and unless there is a serious reason (like it’s extremely painful or it would be detrimental to your health), I don’t see why a couple shouldn’t be having it. I wouldn’t get a divorce over it. But married people do things they’d rather not for their spouses all the time out of love. Why should sex be any different?