Advise on sexual aspect of marriage

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SimonShaw

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I am after a little advise please but please do not judge me until you have read the complete story.

I am 30 my wife if 29 no children at the moment, we recently got married about 6 months ago but I am starting to feel we have a sex life of a couple that has been married for 45 years if this is not clear it means we have sex maybe once every month and half.

I love my wife so much but recently I have been having thoughts of cheating on her just to crave my sexual appetite, I have tried talking to her but she says talk of sex makes her uncomfortable and she says it is not all about sex which I agree but in the real world I am a man at the end of the day and I need to have a physical relationship more than what I am getting at the moment

I am so desperate for advise as I do not want to cheat on her and I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with myself (if you know what I mean)

Please help
 
Seek professional counseling, DO NOT SIN! I am sorry for your situation and will pray for a resolution.

Peace

Peace
 
Its surely a delicate situation that needs to be handled with utmost sensitivity. Obviously you can’t go on like this, and we don’t want the marriage to break either. BTW, didn’t you discuss these issues with her before marriage, i.e. post engagement/during dating? I remember in our residential marriage preparation course, they encouraged the couples to have a frank discussion with each other about their respective expectations from the marriage. If you had had this discussion, you might not have come to the situation in which you find yourself today.

Before going for professional help, you might consider bringing your parents/her parents into the issue.
 
Please do not cheat as this will only compound this difficult problem. You do need to seek help and hopefully your wife will agree to be a part of it. The reasons for these problems vary and you need to find out what is going on to cause the issue. I will pray for you to find the answer.
 
I agree that counseling would probably be a good idea, because it will help you learn to communicate better with each other, but here are a few other small ideas that might help you:
  1. What do you do, besides sex and physical affection, to show love to your wife?
  2. Does she recognize and appreciate those gestures?
  3. Do you always initiate sex? Do you expect her to “be ready to go” the moment that you are? Do you ensure she enjoys it?
Have you heard of “The Five Love Languages?” If you’re not familiar with that concept, the book might help.

Now, it’s true that your wife should not be refusing you (if she is, that part isn’t clear from the OP.) HOWEVER, the fact that you are considering cheating would lead me to believe that perhaps you are not approaching sex with the right mindset, and your wife is picking up on that. It’s not romantic to feel like a mere “receptacle,” especially if you’ve got a hint that your husband regards you as interchangeable with another model. Even if you haven’t told her your temptations (and please don’t!!), I would bet she’s aware that something is off , maybe even having concerns about your infidelity - which is only going to kill the mood for her further. You already married her, chose her, and forsook all others.

There may also be medical causes, but I’d try making an extra effort to show her that you cherish her first. Not as a tit-for-tat exchange - “Well, I bought you flowers so you owe me sex” - but show your wife that you love her, and cherish her, and over time the trusting foundation can be laid that will help her open up to you in the way that you feel loved.

Just my feminine perspective as a wife who’s gone through similar.
 
afthomercy said:
Before going for professional help, you might consider bringing your parents/her parents into the issue.
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NO. many, many, many times NO! If the wife has a hard time talking about sex with her husband imagine how almost traumatizing it would be to have this discussion with her parents and in-laws :eek: I notice you are in India. This is probably a cultural difference. Here, most married couples do not discuss their sex life with their parents and family members.

I echo the suggestion that counseling is in order. It sounds like the wife may have issues with sex and these need to be addressed in therapy so that she can begin to have a more healthy attitude. It’s also possible she has a low sex drive due to a physical issue (Medication that causes low libido? Hormone imbalance? Blood pressure issues, diabetes…many physical causes of a low sex drive exist), so perhaps a trip to her doctor might also be in order.
 
That is so good that you have come here to ask for some advice. Your problem I think is not uncommon. I agree, don’t cheat on your wife. It will cause so many other problems that you haven’t yet imagined. You will feel guilty, sooner or later your wife will find out, trust will be broken along with her heart, then your heart will be broken too and on and on it will go!

I’m sure when I got married I didn’t understand how much my husband wanted to have sex either or how much many men are thinking about sex, this was off my radar and may be off your wife’s radar too… My husband didn’t understand that it was physically painful for me and he didn’t understand that it often takes a woman more time to become sexually aroused and on top of this he was not doing a good job in this area, rushing to the finish line without his wife.

I think you should try to talk to your wife when you are “cool” and there is no pressure on her. She doesn’t understand how important it is to communicate about this subject, so maybe you can search for some material that will explain to her that husbands and wife’s need to discuss this area even though it is uncomfortable it is important for her marriage. You are going to need to be patient with her. You can ask her simple questions where she can say yes or no to start and later short answers. For example to start…“Is sex painful for her?”, Is she afraid to become pregnant? Does she want you to “slow down” when you do have sex?

(Also, if you mention your religion, it will help people answer you about this question.)
 
I think there are some questions you might ask yourself to help work out why this might be.

Is your wife constantly tired or overworked? Do you always make sure to do your fair share of the housework (at least 50%)? Or, if you are working and she is not, do you find that she is often still doing chores in the evenings and weekends when you have finished work and are relaxing?

Do you spend time together every day? Not just watching TV or playing on computers/phones in the same room, but talking, laughing, sharing jokes, listening to any work or family stresses the other one might have, cooking/eating/clearing up together?

Do you often show your wife physical affection without expecting it to lead to sex every time? (For example, cuddling, kissing, rubbing her feet or back, sitting snuggled up together on the sofa, even holding her coat for her to put on?)

Do you make time to go on dates together, like you did when you were courting? Do you feel that the fundamental “dynamic” of your relationship has changed since then, or were you always readier to show physical affection than she was?

When you do have sex, do you know what she enjoys and doesn’t enjoy? Do you take pleasure in her pleasure?
 
MJJean said:
NO. many, many, many times NO! If the wife has a hard time talking about sex with her husband imagine how almost traumatizing it would be to have this discussion with her parents and in-laws :eek: I notice you are in India. This is probably a cultural difference. Here, most married couples do not discuss their sex life with their parents and family members.

I echo the suggestion that counseling is in order. It sounds like the wife may have issues with sex and these need to be addressed in therapy so that she can begin to have a more healthy attitude. It’s also possible she has a low sex drive due to a physical issue (Medication that causes low libido? Hormone imbalance? Blood pressure issues, diabetes…many physical causes of a low sex drive exist), so perhaps a trip to her doctor might also be in order.
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Yes! It’s best to talk to people who have a professional duty of confidentiality (priest or therapist) and that you won’t have to see a lot, rather than people that you will have to see socially.

Some ideas (some repeating those upthread):
  1. talk to her (is she scared of pregnancy? would a stronger knowledge of NFP help?)
  2. doctor (particularly OB/GYN)
  3. therapist
Work on your “making out” skills may be helpful. Announce in advance that you aren’t trying to have sex with her that night, but that you’d like to mess around. Figure out how to kiss her or caress her in a way that would excite her. There are a lot of non-genital sensitive areas on a woman–figure out where they are on your wife. Are you a good kisser? If not, work on it.

Also, experiment with lubrication. When your every-six-weeks comes around, make sure you are using enough and that you’re doing enough foreplay.

Also, is she climaxing? Probably not from your description. Read up on the subject, but don’t be pushy–it’s something you might have to work up to. If there’s nothing in sex for her, that may be causing part of her reluctance.
 
Dulcie said:
I think there are some questions you might ask yourself to help work out why this might be.

Is your wife constantly tired or overworked? Do you always make sure to do your fair share of the housework (at least 50%)? Or, if you are working and she is not, do you find that she is often still doing chores in the evenings and weekends when you have finished work and are relaxing?

Do you spend time together every day? Not just watching TV or playing on computers/phones in the same room, but talking, laughing, sharing jokes, listening to any work or family stresses the other one might have, cooking/eating/clearing up together?

Do you often show your wife physical affection without expecting it to lead to sex every time? (For example, cuddling, kissing, rubbing her feet or back, sitting snuggled up together on the sofa, even holding her coat for her to put on?)

Do you make time to go on dates together, like you did when you were courting? Do you feel that the fundamental “dynamic” of your relationship has changed since then, or were you always readier to show physical affection than she was?

When you do have sex, do you know what she enjoys and doesn’t enjoy? Do you take pleasure in her pleasure?
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Very good!
 
Please don’t cheat and ruin your marriage.

I guess I have to say I am always a bit amazed at the differences between men and women and the sexual nature of their relationship. I also wonder how this topic does not get discussed prior to marriage. I think women have much different expectations than men do regarding this.

Men seem more focused on having to have sex, while women seem more focused on relationship. Now that is just me, and I could be so wrong. But I just don’t get all the frustration. You are going to have to figure out how to handle this without cheating on your wife or feeling like your being cheated if she is only interested a couple of times in two months. Sex really is not the core aspect of marriage.

And when you have children, expect it to get even harder. Your wife will be dealing with the efforts of raising your children, fatigue, dealing with sick kids, her job if she has one as well, and of course there will be the little one wanting or needing to sleep with mom and day once in a while.

Focus on relationships first.
 
Thank you all for the replies,

I do understand that marriage and the relationship is not all about sex, I do understand that but I see it as we are both in our sexual prime (early thirties) and we do need to be enjoying each other in the physical way.

Yes we do go on date nights together, I do rub her feet. I have read the book the 5 love languages but also recommended men are from MARS and woman are from venus.

Please don’t get me wrong here and I am not expecting my wife to only be used as a sexual object and expect sex everyday, no no this is not the case but at the end of the day I am a guy and also need physical attention (shall we call it) and I would expect a couple in our early thirties to be a little more active than we currently are.

We both have active jobs and yes we are both tired at the end of the day but I feel that this is not an excuse that should be used as a “timeout card”. We both would like children one day and I know lack of sex is part of the package when you have them but I don’t want to get to that stage and regret the time we have lost together and we say ah I wish we had more back before the children came along

I have asked her many times about this subject but she always seems to shy away from it, I think therapy is a little extreme but I don’t know how to raise this without hurting her which I do not want to do

And like I said I do not want to cheat but lately these thoughts have crept in 😦
 
I would expect a couple in our early thirties to be a little more active than we currently are
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But you’re not just any couple in your early thirties, you’re you. Deal with the person you are and the person your wife is and don’t compare her to what you think everyone else is doing (chances are good you’re overestimating, anyway.)
I have asked her many times about this subject but she always seems to shy away from it, I think therapy is a little extreme but I don’t know how to raise this without hurting her which I do not want to do
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That’s what therapy can address for you. Therapy is not just for “crazy” people or “extreme” cases. A lot of people struggle with communicating their needs. Better to address it now, when the issue is not huge (though honestly, if you’re struggling with thoughts of violating your marriage vows, yeah, we’re in “this is a big deal” territory), then afterwards, when it’s big (say you give in to your temptation, or divorce papers get served.)

You say you have the love languages book. Have you read it? I note that you’ve only said you do date nights and rub her feet. I hope you’re just giving us two examples out of many. You should be doing A LOT more for your wife than that! And depending on what her love language is, these may not even be very good signals for her. She may prefer you to pitch in more with the housework. If she says she’s too tired, help her be less tired!

(Also, if evening is a bad time, try morning, but brush your teeth first.)

You might try reading Greg Popcak’s “For Better, Forever!” or “Holy Sex!” too. They are very good for married couples.
 
OP, this may not necessarily apply to you, but it may, and it may help other people reading the thread:

I see a lot on threads about “we don’t have enough sex” that the complaining spouse can be alarmingly specific about when, where, how much, and what activities are acceptable. That’s a tall order for the other, who may actually not suffer from lack of interest at all but just can’t meet those demands.

If a person would be willing to vary their schedule a bit, try something new, romance their spouse, or actually TALK to them, for real, instead of just making assumptions and accusations, I think some real progress could be made.

Here’s a personal example. My husband and I have had some real big dry spells. He would complain about how we never had sex. But he’d never ask me (and being in postpartum infertility, I do need a little prompting because it’s just not something on my mind much). He just knew how tired I got during the day. But he was only thinking about the window of time right after our kids go to bed, when all I want to do is stretch out on the couch and not be needed for anything for a bit. When I asked him, “Hey, you said you wanted to more, but you never ask,” he said, “Well, you always seem so tired in the evening,” and I said, “Who says that’s the only time of day?” I actually do a lot better if he gives me a few hours first. I go to bed, get a little sleep, and then when he comes to bed I’m rested enough and ready to go.

Also, check for things that could be off-putting. I am very sensitive to smell. BO and bad breath kill it for me even if I am really in the mood beforehand.
 
SimonShaw said:
We both have active jobs and yes we are both tired at the end of the day but I feel that this is not an excuse that should be used as a “timeout card”.
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If she’s tired at the end of a long day, and sex seems like just one more chore on a neverending list of household jobs, then she isn’t going to be feeling very sexy. So if that’s part of the problem, then you need to think about ways to help - not just as a quick fix to more sex for you, but as a way of looking after and loving your wife. Can you honestly say that you do at least half of all the cooking, clearing up, cleaning, food shopping, taking the bins out, laundry, all those household chores that are tiring and boring and no-one wants to do? If you do, great! But if you don’t, it’s not surprising that she would be too tired for sex.
 
I really think you should discuss the option of therapy and a trip to the doctor to check for medical problems. Especially therapy. I find it disturbing that a woman who is 29 has a hard time talking about sex with her husband. I am wondering if she might have an unhealthy view of sex. Perhaps she thinks of it as “dirty” or “bad”. Perhaps she thinks of sex as the opposite of love and feels hurt or used. Perhaps she suppresses her own desires because the intensity or lack of control scares her. Perhaps she isn’t becoming aroused or isn’t reaching orgasm and doesn’t enjoy the act. Whatever the problem is it won’t be solved without open and honest communication and a strategy to solve it. A trained therapist can help you both with communication and help you to identify the problem(s) as well as give you strategies to cope and to fix whatever is wrong.
 
MJJean said:
I really think you should discuss the option of therapy and a trip to the doctor to check for medical problems. Especially therapy. I find it disturbing that a woman who is 29 has a hard time talking about sex with her husband. I am wondering if she might have an unhealthy view of sex. Perhaps she thinks of it as “dirty” or “bad”. Perhaps she thinks of sex as the opposite of love and feels hurt or used. Perhaps she suppresses her own desires because the intensity or lack of control scares her. Perhaps she isn’t becoming aroused or isn’t reaching orgasm and doesn’t enjoy the act. Whatever the problem is it won’t be solved without open and honest communication and a strategy to solve it. A trained therapist can help you both with communication and help you to identify the problem(s) as well as give you strategies to cope and to fix whatever is wrong.
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Absolutely 👍

29 year old, married for 6 months, making love to husband once every 6 weeks, and doesn’t want to talk about sex at all??? This doesn’t sound normal at all. And I wouldn’t suggest you accept this as “your normal” or that it likely due to your not doing your part on the romance side. Much of the advice in this thread seems geared toward the couple married for several years who find themselves a bit disconnected sexually. OP is a newly married couple! I agree with MJJean. Go together to Dr/Counseling and try to figure out what is wrong.
 
SS,
I hope that you and your wife are at least on these talking terms that you identify a third person whom both of you trust, to whom you can take this situation. It need not be a professional therapist, since those cost money. I had earlier suggested either of your parents because they have seen life, are your first well wishers and can be trusted to keep things confidential.

BTW, to clarify, in India also, we do not discuss our sex lives with our parents or family members, but that’s when things are going smoothly. If things ever were to turn as problematic as this, the first person I would turn to would be my father, were he alive (he passed 2009, RIP), for the simple reasons that (a) it costs nothing (b) there is no shame in it and (c) he is my first well wisher.
 
afthomercy said:
SS,
I hope that you and your wife are at least on these talking terms that you identify a third person whom both of you trust, to whom you can take this situation. It need not be a professional therapist, since those cost money. I had earlier suggested either of your parents because they have seen life, are your first well wishers and can be trusted to keep things confidential.

BTW, to clarify, in India also, we do not discuss our sex lives with our parents or family members, but that’s when things are going smoothly. If things ever were to turn as problematic as this, the first person I would turn to would be my father, were he alive (he passed 2009, RIP), for the simple reasons that (a) it costs nothing (b) there is no shame in it and (c) he is my first well wisher.
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This would be very, very unusual in the United States, at least (though we don’t know where the OP is from). Generally speaking, our culture sees the marital relationship as something to not discuss with parents. It would be a gross violation of privacy to do otherwise. Even if you had the other person’s consent, it would still be very, very unusual. I don’t say anything to my parents about my sex life besides, “I’m pregnant.” 😛

I am not sure that I agree with MJJean’s assessment, yet. It’s possible that the wife has some medical or psychological issue, yes, but even if they’re newlyweds (maybe especially), it could be that the OP is not as attentive as he could be to his wife’s needs, and she doesn’t see what all the fuss is about, sexually speaking. The only things he said he does for her are date nights and rubbing her feet. There might be more that he hasn’t said, but at any rate I think it’ll be more productive for the OP to work on improving himself and how he approaches his wife, rather than settling into an idea that “oh, this is her problem.” If he tries all the other suggestions in this thread and still isn’t getting anywhere (after a trial period of several months, not next week), then I would move to consider a medical issue, or at least he’ll have established the trusting relationship to say, “You know, honey, I’m worried that there might be something going on with you. Could we get an appointment for you to be checked? I’m so worried about your health.” And she’ll know that he means it, not that he’s just worrying about if he’s going to get some that night.

OP should also consider that even if his wife was rendered completely incapable of having sex (and even during normal parts of married life there were be temporary phases where this is so), he still doesn’t have grounds to commit adultery. So he really, really needs to be careful with those temptations he’s having.
 
Your wife’s lack of sex drive and reluctance to talk about it could be any number of things. Unless she opens up to you, anything you do is going to be nothing more than a wild stab in the dark.

You did the right thing by opening up and talking to her about this. After a number of attempts she still refuses to say anything. I think you have done all you can at this point. There is nothing more to try to ‘fix’ your wife. Repeatedly bringing this up is just going to irritate her. For the foreseeable future, I would surrender this to God and let it be.

Now if you want to start doing more around the house or making other changes in the relationship, that is fine. But do so only because you think these are the right things to do, irrespective of your wife’s willingness for sex. Don’t just start trying a bunch of things to see if you can luck into pressing the right magic button. It won’t work and will just leave you frustrated and exhausted.

On to your needs - I would suggest that perhaps there are some other needs of yours that aren’t being fulfilled other than sex. Perhaps you need more friendships, or time to yourself for hobbies, or more exercise, or maybe you have always wanted to start a business. I suggest refocusing your life away from (lack of) sex and towards healthy activities that will improve your quality of life.

Live these parts of your life to the fullest and completely let your wife be on her sex drive. If she sees you happy and engaged in healthy activities she may, in time, decide to open up to you on the sex issue. Then, and only then, will you have the information you need to make the changes needed to deal with that particular issue. She will not open up if you are constantly anxious, fretting, and irritable.

I do understand that this must be crushing emotionally and very frightening for you. There is no harm in seeking counseling for your own mental health. Coping with what feels like the most crushing of rejections isn’t something you should try to manage on your own. Most workplaces have employee assistance programs where you can get a few free counseling sessions. Go ahead and make an appointment for just yourself. There is nothing to lose and at least you will have someone with whom you can vent in confidentiality.
 
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