Advise on sexual aspect of marriage

[VeritasLuxMea]

I am not sure that I agree with MJJean’s assessment, yet. It’s possible that the wife has some medical or psychological issue, yes, but even if they’re newlyweds (maybe especially), it could be that the OP is not as attentive as he could be to his wife’s needs, and she doesn’t see what all the fuss is about, sexually speaking.

Right, which could be why he’s attempted to communicate with her on this, but she doesn’t seem open to it.

The only things he said he does for her are date nights and rubbing her feet. There might be more that he hasn’t said, but at any rate I think it’ll be more productive for the OP to work on improving himself and how he approaches his wife, rather than settling into an idea that “oh, this is her problem.” If he tries all the other suggestions in this thread and still isn’t getting anywhere (after a trial period of several months, not next week), then I would move to consider a medical issue, or at least he’ll have established the trusting relationship to say, “You know, honey, I’m worried that there might be something going on with you. Could we get an appointment for you to be checked? I’m so worried about your health.” And she’ll know that he means it, not that he’s just worrying about if he’s going to get some that night.

I don’t know why we should assume that date nights and foot rubs are “all” he does for her, any more than we should assume that she does absolutely nothing for him. I just don’t see why listing examples should entail “and that’s all.”

Regardless, if we take him at his word then he’s definitely sharing at least some of his time (date nights), treasure (also date nights) and talent (foot rubs) with her, as well as trying to communicate with her about the issues with her sexuality. That all sounds good to me.

But the even more important point is that this is not a quid pro quo type of situation. Intimacy (including sex) is something that married couples owe to each other. His desire for sex is no more unusual than her desire for date nights or foot rubs, etc. There’s something wrong if you’re getting out a balance book and using it to figure how many sexual acts are owed to a person for each foot massage. Or how many hugs one is entitled to after a date night.

If she’s denying him intimacy and refusing to even communicate about it then it absolutely is “her problem.”

But the bigger problem than these mere refusals, by far, is the lack of communication. Because without a willingness to communicate, there’s no overcoming these obstacles.

I’ll just finish this by noting that there is a tremendous difference between an inability to have sex, and unwillingness to establish or maintain a sex life. Sex is no less of a big deal simply because it might be involuntarily taken from your relationship one day. Your vision, too, might be stripped from you one day. Yet you wouldn’t say that it’s no big deal for a spouse to refuse to look at another spouse because there may come a day when he/she is incapable of doing so. Obviously, that would be ridiculous.

 

[pensmama87]

Oh, I absolutely agree it’s not a balancing the checkbook type of arrangement (I had meant to say so, perhaps I forgot). It is true, though, that if something of importance isn’t happening for one spouse, it becomes very easy to resent the other and not be willing to move out of our comfort zone. Someone has to be willing to be the first (author Greg Popcak calls this game “marital chicken,” and everybody loses.) The reality is that the OP can’t control what his wife does, but he can control what he does, and he can do what he can to let his wife know that he loves her and wants true intimacy, which is more than just sex. We don’t have enough info to know if he is doing this or not.

He hasn’t been back to clarify, so who knows what’s going on, but I do know he was asked repeatedly by several posters, “What do you do for your wife to show her you love her,” and those were the only two items offered. It’s quite possible, of course, that there are more, but all I am asking him to consider (advice that has been echoed by other posters) is that those might not be particularly meaningful to her.

If I have read the OP correctly, we don’t even know how exactly he has communicated to her about this. A few weeks ago we had a thread where (IIRC) a woman (the poster)'s husband was upset because while she was willing to have sex whenever he wanted, she wasn’t crazy enthusiastic about it all the time. That is what I meant by my post about sometimes being too specific about wants. It’s why I mentioned that my own DH complained about infrequency, which I was bewildered by because he had never even asked me before making the complaint. I was hurt, and felt attacked, like there was something wrong with me because I hadn’t managed to guess what he wanted. I had lots of stuff on my plate and hadn’t considered it. Is that a problem? Yes, it is, but wow it could have been resolved a lot sooner, if I had been made aware!

Anyway, the OP hasn’t come back, so maybe he’s taken our advice to heart and no longer needs us . But I think often times people are nervous and afraid to talk about sex, even when they’re willing to have it. As a woman who could have been on the other side of the OP’s post, I thought I might take a stab at what could be going on in her mind that doesn’t involve her somehow being a frigid tease, or something.