Affair Resumes What Can I Do Now w/Church

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4ourMyKids

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This is a follow up on this post from last month. I have found out recently that the affair is still on and if it stopped, it only cooled for a few weeks until the other man’s wife believed he was fully back in the marriage and now my wife (currently, as we are going through divorce process) and this man have apparently resumed their affair like they haven’t missed a beat.
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Participation In Church by Wife (Who has committed Adultery/Proceeding w/Divorce) Family Life
Long story short on the background. Have been married 14 years with 2 kids. Both lifelong Catholics. Wife, soon to be Ex-Wife in a few months began an affair in May of last year and lasted until the end of December when other man’s wife made him make a choice to leave or make amends to what he had done and he stayed with his wife. My wife attempted a short 2 week reconciliation when I first found out but now with what I have found out with evidence, she never stopped the affair even when I f…
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What are my options now with the church, recommendations? I’m thinking just a sit down with my priest. At this point it’s sad that I feel like the church turned it’s back on me and sided with her. He either believed her lies or he’s just siding with her in general since they are ‘friends’.

Thanks for your advice!
 
4ourMyKids said:
What are my options now with the church, recommendations? I’m thinking just a sit down with my priest.
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Yes, that sounds like a good idea. But make it about you, the divorce, the failure of the marriage, where you go from here. Don’t go in with “How could you let her receive communion?!?!?” Once you lay out the circumstances, and receive his guidance, the rest is up to him as far as her parish participation goes.
 
4ourMyKids said:
What are my options now with the church, recommendations? I’m thinking just a sit down with my priest. At this point it’s sad that I feel like the church turned it’s back on me and sided with her. He either believed her lies or he’s just siding with her in general since they are ‘friends’.
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I have not read the other thread, but I am curious why you are saying that “the church turned it’s back on me and sided with her”. It may seem like your priest took her word for the situation over yours, but this does not equate to “the church” turning against you.

I am also unclear about what it is you are seeking advice?
angel12 said:
Yes, that sounds like a good idea. But make it about you
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This is good advice. It is not your place to determine whether she is in a state of grace, or not. You will have your hands full just keeping yourself in a state of grace, and helping your kids to get through this. Divorce is terribly painful, confusing, and difficult for the kids. Children of divorce have a harder time trusting and sustaining relationships later in life (including marriages). It is important that they work through this horrible situation.
 
Good advice guys. Thank you. I like looking at it from that angle on how me and the kids go from here in addition to counselling and our Network of close family and friends. I think I have phrased it wrong on the church turning it’s back on me. I meant that physical church and not 'the church. Just kind of crazy in rational thinking terms on how she continues on with the affair in the path of possibly ending his marriage as well but can be a lecturer on Palm Sunday no less …
 
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OP, since last month, have you had an appointment to discuss things with your priest?
 
4ourMyKids said:
she continues on with the affair in the path of possibly ending his marriage as well but can be a lecturer on Palm Sunday no less …
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I can see why this would scandalize you. Such service requires that the minister be in a state of grace.

Galatians 6:7 Do not be misled: God is not mocked. For whatever a man might sow, that also he will reap.

Pray for her, for she may eat and drink condemnation upon herself.
 
No. I dropped the issue when I found out that if she confessed and stopped the affair she was ok to continue but the advice now is good in that I should talk to him regardless … Not necessarily about her but help with the kids and I in where we go from here.
 
You might have saved yourself a lot of anxiety if you had spoken to him a month ago, but please do so now. It is possible that he is unaware of what is going on (meaning that the affair has not ended.)

I hope that you are going to mass at your parish and not staying away as your wife wanted you to do. Right now, she is in no position to offere any advice or directives at you, and I don’t know that I would trust anything she says, as she is only looking out for herself.

May Gid bless you and your children.
 
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We are still going to church … all 4 of us together. I will reach out Monday to make an appointment to speak with him. She’s a lector at evening Mass today as well. Last time she read I couldn’t even look forward. Just seems like a lot of hypocrisy. I know it’s deeper and more complicated than that because emotion has taken over logic but tough listening to the word from someone who doesn’t follow it and shows no remorse and sees no issue with her actions.
 
A sit down with the pastor of your parish is very important.

If she continues in public ministry while you are sure of the affair, I would suggest you speak to someone in the Diocese Chancery Office. Explain what is happening, this likely needs a 3rd party who does not have the ties of friendship muddying the waters.
 
I would write to your bishop. if the priest is aware that two married people are having an affair an still allowing them to participate as readers is wrong and he knows it. The Priest has made a choice.
 
You are assuming that the priest is aware of the affair continuing. We don’t know what he knows. The OP’s wife may have been to confession, and may have told the priest it ended, but lied. We don’t know, and we should not jump to any conclusions about the priest.
 
Thank you everyone! Seems like we are for the most part on the same page with advice?
  1. Assume priest doesn’t know and talk to him (give him the chance and benefit of the doubt)
  2. If he does and is indifferent … Go to third party?
 
Yes, still living with us. She doesn’t think anythings wrong and has shown little to no remorse. It is just following her heart and she wants to be happy! When I suggested to her grandparents we get a separation and I wouldn’t do anything legally and see if we could work things out while her hopefully realizing what she would be missing … Her enabling grandma said … “We’ll can you just move out and see what happens?”. I’m not going anywhere without my kids and I’m keeping this house so my kids can have the stable place they love. At least one thing that won’t turn their thing upside down. She fully believes she will be a better mother when she is happy and healthy. Assuming she will achieve both with the divorce.
 
And that is why you need to speak to a lawyer now and get your things in order, so if and when it happens, you are one step ahead of her with plans.

Do not under any circumstances be the one to move out! If she wants the divorce or separation, she goes, not you, not your children. She goes alone.

What she is doing is wrong, and sickening.
 
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The process began last month and we both have a lawyer. Still have at least 4 months of living with each other. 6 month process in our state at the least and she is itching to get out ASAP but doesn’t want to have it look as abandonment at advisement of her grandparents and lawyer and her best friend who has been guiding her through the process who also is a serial adulterer to her own husband sadly.
 
4ourMyKids said:
The process began last month and we both have a lawyer. Still have at least 4 months of living with each other. 6 month process in our state at the least and she is itching to get out ASAP but doesn’t want to have it look as abandonment at advisement of her grandparents and lawyer and her best friend who has been guiding her through the process who also is a serial adulterer to her own husband sadly.
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I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but I’m really glad you have an attorney.
 
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