Affair Resumes What Can I Do Now w/Church

  • Thread starter Thread starter 4ourMyKids
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
WHAT? you are both attending church together, yet you think you local church should not allow her to do the lecture reading or lead in other ways?

If you are going to church with her and sitting together as if everything is ok; then everyone at church sees you two going to church together as if everything is ok.

Have her sleep in another bedroom and find an apartment, and sit in another pew on Sundays.
 
I am continuing to go to church with her and the kids because I have gotten conflicting advice. Some have said to still go altogether while we are still living with each other, specifically for the kids. Others have said I need to not do that and just take the kids, which I am fine with. That is why I think it’s important I push the issue with the Priest to figure out where he really stands on this.

I sure wish she could find another place to live but legally I cannot force her to leave and she will not leave because of the potential money and assets that she might lose out on by leaving and she’s still continuing to keep up an appearance with those in the church. I can only imagine what she has told those people about me. Our mutual friends, were shocked, saddened and upset when they heard about what had happened. However, weeks later, they act as if nothing is wrong, talk to her the same way and have even commented they don’t want to get my wife upset at them. Her greatest forms of manipulation are primarily making people feel sorry for her and others, making people think twice about crossing her.
 
I guess what would help people, and maybe you have mentioned it before, is the age of your children, and are they aware that something is wrong?

You are a bigger person than I am, not sure I could sit with my spouse under the circumstances. If it were me, I would rather just go with my children. But again, if you are doing this for your children, I understand why you go with her.

Forget what other people think. They don’t know the truth because of her manipulation. Let her fool them, it’s a lie that is all on her.

Did you make an appointment with your priest yet?
 
Making appointment this week. Kids are 10 and 7. 10y/o has no idea. 7 year old is a much more emotional child, actually a carbon copy if her mother on how she treats me. I know I have to remedy the lack of respect there but walking a fine line because of the situation. When I start getting help for them I’m going to have her tested for bipolar.
 
Last edited:
4ourMyKids said:
I know I have to remedy the lack of respect there
Click to expand...
After you kneel and pray with her at night, if she does not sleep in the same room as her sibling, ask her about her day, friends, things she liked, give instruction about how to treat others etc.

I noticed when I started doing this, instead of at the dinner table or around others, my DD started to be more respectful and loving. Also has a much better attitude now.

Nip this in the bud before she is a teenager, not to mention the torrent they are about to go through.
 
Last edited:
Makes total sense, thank you. We pray together but I read to them separately. This is the time when i talk to them about the day, etc and yes, seems like a perfect place to reinforce good behavior and positive things and once we break away from the mother, I can see her attitude improving as well, since she won’t be seeing how her mother treats me. This was partly my fault too for being the ‘Nice Guy’ when I should have stood up for myself a lot more to show the kids how that respect needs to happen from Mom to Dad and vice/versa but that was never an issue on my end.
 
Please, do not make the appointment sometime this week. Make it today. Get off the internet and go make the call. Just knowing you have the appointment coming up will give you hope on your darker days.
 
Sorry, maybe there’s some confusion here. We have always been in our home. The boyfriend has never visited here. The affair, from what I know takes place as a 9-5 thing during working hours (outside of the home) with communication via tech devices before and after that.

Son may have some inclination that something is up but he is the type that’s oblivious to a lot, which I am working on. He’s a super smart little dude but often stuck in his own dream world of working on his creations, hobbies. My daughter is a carbon copy of my wife. My son is a carbon copy of me, for better or for worse 🙂
 
Have you retained an attorney? Has your wife?
In either case, if you haven’t you must! You must protect your kids, your home, and your financial interests.

Seriously, (especially if no lawyers are yet involved), how much have you done? From this, and your other thread, it sounds as if your wife has never really been held responsible for anything she has done, and, if given her own way, will keep on living with you and your kids, and keeping up this affair, ending it only when it suits her, or the other man ends it. She seems to think of her own priorities, and you, the kids, the church, her friends, etc. , matter only when your/their concerns affect HER!

But, it doesn’t sound like you’ve been doing that much to hold her accountable. Are you hoping this man will go away, and you can live happily ever after? Maybe until the next guy comes along. And, all the while, you just hope it ‘fixes itself’.

Obviously, you are making some headway, as you did start this thread, and the one before it. Is someone giving you a talk, about how Catholics don’t believe in divorce,
, so keep on forgiving her?

Well, there are weightier things involved…in staying married, you may be enabling her to commit adultery! That’s a serious sin. Please, unless your wife truly changes, end this ‘marriage’. Beside making it easy for her to sin, you are allowing your children to observe this unhealthy situation! It will effect their own relations with, and attitudes toward, the opposite sex, making promiscuity, serial adultery, and many other sins look just fine to them. And, yes, at seven and ten it’s old enough to start affecting them!

I’m assuming you’re pursuing this divorce with annulment in mind? It sounds like you have a very good case. But, although it looks like I’ve gone off on a tangent, get legal representation! And have a safe place to keep your proof of the affair. Friends’ (like hers, who is a serial adulterer), or even her attorney, if she has onewill be advising her, on how to destroy or alter them. Keep them in a safe, or at a trustworthy relative’s house. And keep documenting what she does. You may be taking part in her sin, just by giving her a soft place to land!
 
Divorce process is about a month and a half in. We start meetings with custody mediation in another week. We both have lawyers but this process is going to take a while, well into the Summer to finish up. I want her out of the house, as I intend to keep this for the kids no matter what because it’s the home they love and are familiar with. She can have her money/equity, not going to fight that. She is smart enough though now to realize she can’t leave or it would be looked at as abandonment and she might lose her chance with the custody she wants and the money she wants out of the deal. She is not in need of money by any means, as I make a good living but she makes considerably more and in a job that enables her lifestyle to be gone whenever she wants and wherever, 5 days a week. His job allows the same, so it’s a match made in cheater ‘Heaven’. I love my wife and always will but my wife is no longer even in existence, I know she has cheated on me before but we went through a growing period and have some pretty good times in between. She’s got some major issues but refuses to deal with her own demons and pushes them further down and blames other things for her problems. I think I have mentioned her but the thing that stinks is that the people that I have exposed her affair to, seem to not want to offend her or still feel sorry for her. She’s great at manipulation and who knows what she has told them. Like I have told people close to my situation. I feel like I’m in one of those suspense movies where the good guy just keeps taking loss after loss and things look so bleak. But like the ending in most of those movies, the good guy/gal that perseveres and keeps chugging along even when the chips are down, they come out righteous in the end. I know I have God on my side as I believe it’s what you do when no one is looking, that counts for so much! Thing that hurts now is that man’s law is so much less righteous than the law of my Faith. That’s why it’s on me to act and do what is best for my kids and their future. She thinks she is a good mother and she is when focused on the kids but that hasn’t been the case with any of these actions over the past year. I guess that’s what hurts too, is the people that don’t want to take one side or the other, I can understand but when they say this is just between us (2), they have no clue how much this will affect the kids.
 
I’m glad you’ve gotten so far. You seemed to have a kind of optimistic innocence, and your wife seemed to be all too willing to take advantage of it. Glad to see that you’re more realistic than I perceived. I hope the divorce goes thru with a minimum of drama, and you can protect your kids. But, please, be careful until the end. Especially about your evidence. Good luck to you and your kids. I’ll keep you all in my prayers.
 
"You seemed to have a kind of optimistic innocence"

You can say that again! I found out in early June, quickly forgave. She was sorry but not real remorseful for the next 10 days or so but you could still see doubt there and something wrong but I ‘rugswept’. It went downhill after that and for 7 months I fought a battle of saving a marriage with books, seminars, forums, everything I could do to be a better man, better husband, better leader … because I didn’t realize I was being gaslighted and blameshifted the entire time. I kept doing what she said she wasn’t getting from me, then I knew i was in a spin cycle when the things she needed contradicted each other. Too giving, too loving … not loving enough, etc. I learned months too late that she never gave up the affair, even when she was sorry those first two weeks. She even had a gameplan once she decided this man was her soulmate and she wasn’t going to lose him ‘again’. She started to tell her family that she felt alone and didn’t feel loved and that I wasn’t attracted to her but she was trying. Then she went from that to it’s not getting any better, from that to she tried but it’s not going to work. None of this was true of course, she was just rallying the troops in her greatest form of manipulation … making others feel sorry for her. She didn’t count on her family telling me everything but by the time they did, it was months too late and she was looking for houses and talking about marriage to this guy. I feel for the loss of my marriage and would could have been or should have been but now, I really feel for the other man’s wife who thinks they are reconciling and that he is totally committed to her and glad she found out about the affair so he could end it. She was just as optimistically innocent as me unfortunately …
 
I believe they both communicated on their respective company phones. I no longer have access to that type of information as she locked it down pretty (in Late December) well and I stopped looking when she made the final decision that she was moving forward with Divorce no matter what.
 
Last edited:
Looking for a last bit of guidance on this end before I met with my Priest later today. The other man’s wife found out about the affair again, she went to him and then started to harass my wife. My wife (ex wife in 4 months) is sticking to that she is not in an affair currently and that it ended in December. The other man’s wife came to me yesterday in emails with info that she had. I asked my wife why would she be coming to us out of the blue if nothing was going on? I said, I cannot legally have you removed from the home but if you are having an affair, it would be best if you left and if you are having an affair and choose to stay (she’s not going to leave because she knows that will look bad) that she needs to move out of the marital bedroom. She stated nearly a dozen times, that there’s no affair and looked me in the eyes when she said it. I said to her a few times, you can lie to me, you can lie to your friends, you cannot lie to God. She said, she knows and she’s not lying. That shows you what type of person I’m really dealing with here. So I got to my priest today, I want to ask him for his guidance and to a lesser degree, should she still be able to participate in mass (readings, etc) and on the committees. Is it fair and not selfish to ask about her in those regards? What should I NOT accept from him as answers. Such as he thinks we just let it be?
 
I don’t think the priest should do anything different unless you do.
hoping4more said:
If you are going to church with her and sitting together as if everything is ok; then everyone at church sees you two going to church together as if everything is ok.
Click to expand...
I made this point before. I know you cannot kick her out of the house but you don’t have to sit with her or help her or do anything a family that loves one another does.

As to your upcoming divorce, I would fully cooperate with the other wife to gain any evidence possible.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top