Affection - touching others

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hello everyone,

I just want some advice. I have already actioned my thoughts in this matter but I want your Catholic opinion.

There are girls at work who want to hug me constantly. I have text both of them saying “enough” of the affection. I see my body as belonging to Christ and it is not my own body. I dont like the “after effects” this is having, I dont want to think of sinful desires about these women (they both have boyfriends) (this is from Satan right?) - attacking my purity. I have not shown affection to anyone for a long time. They see my boldness and violate me. I hate it. Im such a wimp I say “yeah”.

What do you think, is it charity if I hug these women? Or is Christ glorified if I remain Pure?
Im trying to get teaching on this - none yet.
thanks
mark
 
Mark,

If hugging or public affection bothers you, I would have a one-on-one conversation with each of them and tell them that, “I am not a hugger and it makes be uncomfortable. Would you please give me a little personal space, as it would make me much more comfortable?” In this case, there is probably no need to bring religion into it.

Personally, I only give or receive hugs with people that I consider good friends.

Cheers,
Crash001
 
Some people are just more touchy-feely than others, and that’s OK. I don’t have a problem with hugs, as long as it doesn’t get out of hand.
 
Mark, showing physical affection in the form of a hug isn’t necessarily a sexual thing nor a misuse of the body. Giving hugs, even to those of the opposite sex who one isn’t married to, can be a great way of expressing platonic love.

The meaning of the use of physical affection may vary from person to person and from one culture to another. Students that my parents hosted from Argentina for a few Summers showed a lot more physical affection than most people in the US do, and it had a different meaning for them. For example, it wasn’t that unusual for them to substitute a handshake for a kiss on the cheeks for casual acquaintances, but that would be perceived as a bit weird in the US (see “greeting” under “respect” in wikitravel.org/en/Argentina). Point is, it varies a lot.

Typically, there’s nothing wrong per se with various forms of physical affection, it depends on the situation (persons involved and culture) as well as the intent (to demonstrate platonic love or incite lust). If the hugging by these two girls (who just be more “huggy/feely” people) causes a problem for you, I’d recommend taking it up with them (like Crash001 suggested).
 
I don’t like a lot of this nonesense hugging at work. Some guys were always hugging and acting overly familiar without a cause and I didn’t go along with it. Be true to yourself. You don’t need to explain it to others. They’ll get use to you after a while and let it go. It is more important to honor Christ in your heart and by your actions. They may not understand but you know the reason and so does God. People today are just overboard.
 
There are different ways of hugging. There is the one might give a sister or brother. There is one type that you would give your parents. There is one type that is a platonic hug/pat on the back. Then there is one that is intended to cause sexual arousal. There are many young women who hug men in this totally inappropriate manner, because it amuses them. I’m talking about the type of hug where the woman drapes her body over the man leaving absolutely no space between them.

From what you are describing, it’s possible that they may be doing the last type of hug.
Just tell the women that you don’t like to be hugged and tell them you would prefer they didn’t hug you. If they are true friends, they will respect that.
 
I agree that you should tell them to stop. Don’t ‘text it’. TELL them. Obviously it bothers you. It would bother me if it were men at work constantly hugging me; I’d freak out. Girls at work should not be constantly hugging you!!
 
Since this situation is at work, I’d say you have several built-in excuses to make things a bit easier.
I tend not to form close friendships at work, for starters, and I’m generally pretty close to someone before I hug them. Try backing out of the hug and saying something kind of self-mocking like “I know it’s silly, but I really don’t like to be hugged”. Laugh a bit when you say it, but at the same time make it obvious that you mean it. You can even say “touched” rather than “hugged.” I had to once with a lesbian supervisor. I was in a position where I couldn’t tell her off 'cause I needed the job, but I also was NOT comfortable being touched by her. It puts the onus on you, rather than them, as you’re blaming yourself for being “silly” in this regard. They’ll generally back off, in my experience.
There are several types of hugs, as a previous poster said. When I hug my guy friends (not a boyfriend, but a guy I have a platonic friendship with) I’ll wrap my arms around their back but I leave space between our bodies, if that makes any sense. It doesn’t look particularly weird, but it also avoids awkwardness.
There are also some subcultures on the East Coast in which cheek kissing between platonic friends of the opposite sex (particularly when they’ve known each other a long time) is a common greeting and farewell, but there’s still that space between the bodies.
I should add that for me, such contact is just not appropriate at work and if someone initiates it, I do the sort of thing I described above.
 
the_Assyrian said:
hello everyone,

I just want some advice. I have already actioned my thoughts in this matter but I want your Catholic opinion.

There are girls at work who want to hug me constantly. I have text both of them saying “enough” of the affection. I see my body as belonging to Christ and it is not my own body. I dont like the “after effects” this is having, I dont want to think of sinful desires about these women (they both have boyfriends) (this is from Satan right?) - attacking my purity. I have not shown affection to anyone for a long time. They see my boldness and violate me. I hate it. Im such a wimp I say “yeah”.

What do you think, is it charity if I hug these women? Or is Christ glorified if I remain Pure?
Im trying to get teaching on this - none yet.
thanks
mark
Click to expand...
Ive never been in a situation quite to your extent. However, it is customary among many friends groups to hug a girl goodbye. The easy way to avoid temptation is to make it quick. I wouldnt constantly hug friends though. That is a bit awkward. At some point you have to tell them they are bothering you by making the work environment overly affectionate. Some women are more toughy feely than others though. In general, it is a sign of flirtation. I would stay away the more they do it since they do have boyfriends. However, they could be trying to position you to go out with them if their current relationships fail. I think you need to be honest and tell them how you feel. I think that you only risk putting yourself in a sinful position by remaining silent. Your silence can be interpreted as meaning you like what they are doing. It can lead to them trying to do other things if they think you are ok with this. Tread carefully when it comes to affection.
 
I know it can get incredibly annoying. Girls often start this in High school or late grade school. Whatever you do, NEVER initiate the hugging. You’ll get used to it, at might think it’s ok, then you’ll find a girl and go to hug her, who is not one of those hugging girls, and it will be awkward. I’ve been there.

Just roll with it because there will be many more than just these two girls who are like that. I’m sure Jesus probably would have liked to give hugs if men were allowed to touch girls back then. lol
 
hello everyone,

thankyou all for your (name removed by moderator)ut… some wonderful ideas and takes…

I argued with them in the begining about this, because they were asking for affection. I stood my ground. it got ugly. then I gave them the benefit of the doubt and hugged them eventually.

I have Just now text them both, saying " to remain professional at work" and “its scandalising me” and “End of Discussion”. They are bullies. Ive been preaching the Gospel to them… thats all.

Im at work tomorrow will let you know if any discussion appears. Just so you know Im not bold in speech, Im articluate in writing/ ie. text I mean… so this is my best way of communication. Im kind in person.
 
Hello Assyrian,

First of all, God bless you for your unabashed faith in our Lord. It is a rare thing for someone to “preach the gospel” at work. Secondly, I am no expert, but it sounds to me that you are overly sensitive to someone touching/hugging you. I obviously am not there and can not see what type of hug is being given, but if every time you are touched you have impure thoughts, or are afraid of impure thoughts, then this is something that you should probably speak to your priest about and pray about. I also think praying for St. Augustine’s intercession could be beneficial since he had similar problems with lust and impure thoughts about woman. Just curious, how old are you? and what kind of job are you working in? Also, please don’t think that I am saying that you are wrong for not wanting to be hugged, that is your right and is perfectly okay, it just seemed that the problem was not the hugging, but the thoughts that the hugging caused you to have. God bless!

John
 
Tell them, “You’re really repulsive. Don’t touch me.”

Problem solved.
 
I am absolutely SHOCKED that people are telling the OP to pretty much “put up and shut up”. He is trying to avoid an occasion of sin, he has said he is bothered by this contact, he is trying to keep his body to himself and to God, and you folks are telling him to just get over it??? :mad:

Wow. What a sad and pitiful state of affairs.

To the OP:
  1. This is a work place - tell your boss that you are being harassed by these girls. In the US this is considered sexual harassment and it is illegal, not sure of the laws in the UK.
  2. God bless you for wanting to keep your body personal, private, and holy. If only more were like you.
  3. Keep praying for purity. There is nothing that says you have to confirm to the norms of the world just because everyone else is doing it and is comfortable with it.
👍

~Liza
 
the_Assyrian said:
affection to anyone for a long time. They see my boldness and violate me. I hate it. Im such a wimp I say “yeah”.
Click to expand...
here is your answer, if you did not encourage and accept the gesture they would not be doing it, NO is a short easy word, practice using it
 
lizaanne said:
I am absolutely SHOCKED that people are telling the OP to pretty much “put up and shut up”. He is trying to avoid an occasion of sin, he has said he is bothered by this contact, he is trying to keep his body to himself and to God, and you folks are telling him to just get over it??? :mad:

Wow. What a sad and pitiful state of affairs.

To the OP:
  1. This is a work place - tell your boss that you are being harassed by these girls. In the US this is considered sexual harassment and it is illegal, not sure of the laws in the UK.
  2. God bless you for wanting to keep your body personal, private, and holy. If only more were like you.
  3. Keep praying for purity. There is nothing that says you have to confirm to the norms of the world just because everyone else is doing it and is comfortable with it.
👍

~Liza
Click to expand...
This is not sexual harassment. There’s a definition for sexual harassment and this ain’t it.
 
Desertsailor said:
This is not sexual harassment. There’s a definition for sexual harassment and this ain’t it.
Click to expand...
Where did you ever get that idea?
According to a current issues update from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), sexual harassment occurs, “when submission to or rejection of this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual’s employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual’s work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment.”
Click to expand...
source: humanresources.about.com/od/glossarys/a/sexualharassdef.htm
Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that tends to create a hostile or offensive work environment.
Click to expand...
source: legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/sexual+harassment
Sexual harassment can occur in a variety of circumstances, including but not limited to the following:
Click to expand...
The victim as well as the harasser may be a woman or a man. The victim does not have to be of the opposite sex.
The harasser can be the victim’s supervisor, an agent of the employer, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or a non-employee.
The victim does not have to be the person harassed but could be anyone affected by the offensive conduct.
Unlawful sexual harassment may occur without economic injury to or discharge of the victim.
The harasser’s conduct must be unwelcome.
Click to expand...
source: eeoc.gov/facts/fs-sex.html

I could continue but I don’t wish to belabor the point.

This IS unwelcome physical contact, and he has made it clear to these women that it is unwelcome. He has told them why, told them multiple times, and it is making him uncomfortable in the work place. YES - this absolutely qualifies as sexual harassment. What in the world would make you think otherwise?

~Liza
 
lizaanne said:
Where did you ever get that idea?

source: humanresources.about.com/od/glossarys/a/sexualharassdef.htm

source: legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/sexual+harassment

source: eeoc.gov/facts/fs-sex.html

I could continue but I don’t wish to belabor the point.

This IS unwelcome physical contact, and he has made it clear to these women that it is unwelcome. He has told them why, told them multiple times, and it is making him uncomfortable in the work place. YES - this absolutely qualifies as sexual harassment. What in the world would make you think otherwise?

~Liza
Click to expand...
He never said that these women are his bosses or that his employment or advancement on the job depends on these women. If they aren’t his bosses it isn’t sexual harassment.
 
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