Afflicted by despondence

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Klemens_Hadwig

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Hallo to all.
First, I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas (I follow the ‘Candlemas’ calendar) and all the best in the New Year.

It has been some time since I last posted anything on this forum, since I have been quite busy with my various affairs in life.

It appears that I have reached a point of despondence regarding my future. Many things have expectedly changed since the summer, when I last posted regarding my various ‘problems’. I put ‘problems’ in quotations since other persons have far greater, real problems than my petty issues. Nevertheless, I feel a strong need to vocalise my concerns simply because I feel lost.

My relational situation has not improved. On the contrary, it has only worsened for a variety of reasons. As I began my final year at university, I found myself still unable to find that special young woman. Then, a young woman seemed very much attracted to me and readily displayed her affections for me. I did not turn her down, and on her initiative, I acted immorally, believing that perhaps her affection was of a genuine and lasting nature and that my act would solidify the relationship. I was very mistaken and was made painfully aware of my terrible judgement by her later actions with others. I was (and still am) a fool for having acted this way. Furthermore, in rejecting the Divine praecepts for the sake of such behaviours, I am now a spiritually fouled young man, unable to offer any future spouse the one gift that I (secretly) vowed to preserve for her.
Who would take such a weak young man? Who would accept a young man so easily swayed in the midst of temptation? I am not worthy of anything other than a life of painful solitude, since the female sex deserves better companions, children deserve a better example from their fathers, and our Lord has every reason to exact justice from traitors.
If my situation was difficult, it is now unbearable. The knowledge of my now permanent unworthiness pains me more than any of my previous and (theoretically) temporary disappointments.

It is one thing to have sinned in the general ignorance of the Church’s teaching before conversion. It is entirely another matter to have sinned on so light an occasion while in the full membership, knowledge and assent to the Church’s praecepts.
I should note that I have confessed my transgressions to a priest. While I do not feel threatened with damnation, since the mercy of our Lord abounds in Penance, I still feel that my actions have left a certain ‘mark’ on my soul and will forever haunt me.

How am I to deal with this knowledge that now I truly can never hope to find a spouse?

I ask for no pity, but only for advice to deal with this sad reality.
 
Klemens_Hadwig said:
How am I to deal with this knowledge that now I truly can never hope to find a spouse?
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Counseling.

Because you are it “permanently unworthy”.

You made a mistake. You committed a sin. You have been forgiven. Forgive yourself and move on.
 
I made the same sinful mistake you did- numerous times. Yet I’m now happily married (almost 14 years). My husband forgave me of my sinful past, while I forgave his (though he had saved himself, he, like every other person, had sinned in other ways).

Except for St. Joseph, every person’s new spouse had sin in his/her past.
 
“Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool." Is 1:18.
“I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.” Is 44:22.

It may be easier now for you to explain to others the enormous mercy of our Lord, vaster than the ocean. It is arrogance to think your sins are greater than his mercy.
Please do not feel that you can never find a spouse. A wise woman will look to your present actions, not to your past. Many of us have shameful pasts: it takes awhile to grow up and figure out wrong from right. You are certainly not alone.
God bless.

.
 
Dear Klemens, you are operating with a false idea of God. He is not judging us like that. God is all about what you can be, not about your failures. Look at the parable of the lost son in Luke 15. Look at the life of King David. Was he perfect? No, but he was still a man after God’s own heart. The gospel is about restoration, not condemnation. God uses our weakness, not our strengths. But we must give it to Him. He is able.

Now, about your life. You messed up because you tried doing it your way and not God’s way. His way is to seek Him first. Mt.6:33 says "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and then all these things will be added unto you. " Who is God’s righteousness? It is Jesus. Seek a relationship with Him first,then everything else will be added as an overflow. God already has the one perfect partner for you, but you must only give yourself to seeking Him and not her. She may be in another city or coumty, but that place will be a part of God’s destiny for you. It is God’s doing,not yours. You just need to be in God’s will and then everything will be perfect because you are following a God of.perfection.
It is all about knowing the Lord and spending time in His presence. Does this make sense or is it too much?

Shalom,
Jerry
 
Klemens_Hadwig said:
Who would take such a weak young man? Who would accept a young man so easily swayed in the midst of temptation?
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Simple: Find someone on a similar path, then help each other grow in faith. Let go of your previous standard. If you let it define the rest of your life, then you deserve to be where you are. Take care not to invite or create your own misery. You are better off shaking the dust from yourself and finding a way to advance God’s kingdom. Your past does not have to preclude you from your life’s calling, no matter what. You’ve hit a bump in the road. It’s not a roadblock for you to dig your own grave and wait to jump in. All things are possible with God. Right now, there only person holding you back is you. The sooner you trust in God’s mercy, the sooner you can understand what you should do next.

I married a single mother. We have been married for 13 years. She was a convert, but I, like you, was a cradle Catholic who abandoned my faith for a couple of years. Now that there are five more children, I never think about my past or hers, and she has never judged me. Our children will learn from our mistakes instead of repeating them. Yes, virginity is important, but there are other gifts of marriage that you can still give, and they do not have to be wasted because of sin.

“You’re sins are forgiven. Go in peace.” - That is not just a platitude. Take some time and take it to heart.
 
Klemens_Hadwig said:
Hallo to all.
First, I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas (I follow the ‘Candlemas’ calendar) and all the best in the New Year.

It has been some time since I last posted anything on this forum, since I have been quite busy with my various affairs in life.

It appears that I have reached a point of despondence regarding my future. Many things have expectedly changed since the summer, when I last posted regarding my various ‘problems’. I put ‘problems’ in quotations since other persons have far greater, real problems than my petty issues. Nevertheless, I feel a strong need to vocalise my concerns simply because I feel lost.

My relational situation has not improved. On the contrary, it has only worsened for a variety of reasons. As I began my final year at university, I found myself still unable to find that special young woman. Then, a young woman seemed very much attracted to me and readily displayed her affections for me. I did not turn her down, and on her initiative, I acted immorally, believing that perhaps her affection was of a genuine and lasting nature and that my act would solidify the relationship. I was very mistaken and was made painfully aware of my terrible judgement by her later actions with others. I was (and still am) a fool for having acted this way. Furthermore, in rejecting the Divine praecepts for the sake of such behaviours, I am now a spiritually fouled young man, unable to offer any future spouse the one gift that I (secretly) vowed to preserve for her.
Who would take such a weak young man? Who would accept a young man so easily swayed in the midst of temptation? I am not worthy of anything other than a life of painful solitude, since the female sex deserves better companions, children deserve a better example from their fathers, and our Lord has every reason to exact justice from traitors.
If my situation was difficult, it is now unbearable. The knowledge of my now permanent unworthiness pains me more than any of my previous and (theoretically) temporary disappointments.

It is one thing to have sinned in the general ignorance of the Church’s teaching before conversion. It is entirely another matter to have sinned on so light an occasion while in the full membership, knowledge and assent to the Church’s praecepts.
I should note that I have confessed my transgressions to a priest. While I do not feel threatened with damnation, since the mercy of our Lord abounds in Penance, I still feel that my actions have left a certain ‘mark’ on my soul and will forever haunt me.

How am I to deal with this knowledge that now I truly can never hope to find a spouse?

I ask for no pity, but only for advice to deal with this sad reality.
Click to expand...
Imperfect people get married and have reasonably happy marriages every day.

God has forgiven you–now, learn to forgive yourself.

It might help to try to think how you would feel about a good friend of yours that you respected but that did the very same thing. You would feel sad about it, disappointed, but hopefully more interested in his getting on the right track than dwelling on his sin.

Best wishes!
 
Chin up, dude. God uses everything, including our sins, to help us become closer to him. This experience can lead you to remember how weak we really are, and how easily led off track, and how much we need the Lord to help us. Remember how Jesus used Peter’s denials to take Peter back.
And also “Amen” to what others have said.
 
You’ve been to confession and were forgiven. Even St. Augustine had a child out of wedlock. Giving your sins power over you long after they have been forgiven is a form of rejection of God’s mercy. It says that His forgiveness is not good enough or complete enough–and that’s just false.

I strongly suggest you read Augustine’s Confessions and CS Lewis’ The Great Divorce. I’m not giving away spoilers, just read them.
 
katy said:
Chin up, dude. God uses everything, including our sins, to help us become closer to him. This experience can lead you to remember how weak we really are, and how easily led off track, and how much we need the Lord to help us. Remember how Jesus used Peter’s denials to take Peter back.
And also “Amen” to what others have said.
Click to expand...
Good point. I often think about St. Peter - how he was fiercely brave and loyal he was to Our Lord! And so how devastating to him to have failed in this area! How humbling to then later fully accept forgiveness. He who was to forgive so many in the name of Jesus, first learned that even the very strong can stumble, and certainly it gave him a deep humility, a finishing touch on his well-formed soul, that blessed many in the following decades. God made great good come out of St. Peter’s failing!

And the OP too seems to be one who is very strong and faithful in his morality. Personal strengths can be rather defining (gives us a sense of self) and to fail in what we are strong in can be a great cause of despondency. But to have to accept forgiveness in such a failing can be what it takes to make us more like Christ, and to embrace that we are at the mercy of Our Merciful Lord.

http://imgc.allpostersimages.com/im...he-morning-of-the-resurrection-circa-1898.jpg
 
If these feelings persist, you might want to get some counseling. Universities usually offer this for free.

The main issue is not your mistake, but your beating yourself up over it. Everyone makes mistakes. You learn and move on, and your mistakes will make you a better person.

I once knew a vascular surgeon with a very dry sense of humor. He was exceptionally talented, often made me laugh, and was never rattled, in the most tense situations imaginable.
His demeanor came from two things in my opinion: his knowledge / skill, and his mistakes.

Once he related a joke he told at a party. Unlike most comedians who pretend to be serious when they are kidding, this guy would pretend to be kidding, when he was serious.

At the party, some of the ladies were chatting, and impressed with a couple special forces guys. So the vascular surgeon tells this “joke” that he had killed more people “by accident” than any of the special forces guys had in their entire careers “on purpose”. The guy was serious. He had been in so many life and death situations, where seconds counted, just from doing his job. He could not save everyone, and he did not run from responsibility. He just learned, moved on, and developed into one of the most talented, and composed, people I have ever met. Also, he ever “blamed” anyone for any decision he ever made. He was always 100% responsible for his own decisions.

If this guy had gone around beating himself up for every situation that did not turn out perfectly, he could not have lasted a month.

Mistakes, and learning from mistakes builds character. If you don’t forgive yourself, you won’t be forgiving others either.

So lighten up brother. I don’t know exactly what your “mistake” was, and I don’t want to know.
However, it does not sound like you killed anyone, and believe me there are people that make those kinds of decisions every day, all day long. They learn and move on. So should you.
 
More for you, on the topic of despondence. Maybe St.Peter can be your Patron Saint in this sadness you feel. Here is what Rev. Alban Butler had to say in his Lives of Saints. This is the June 29 entry,

St. Peter, Prince of the Apostles

19 Our blessed Redeemer has cast this gracious eye of his mercy on all the sinners whom he ever drew to repentance: his goodness disdains none. We therefore ought to cast ourselves at his feet, and though most undeserving of such a favour, most earnestly to beg that he afford us this gracious look, upon which our eternal salvation depends.

St. Peter by it was pierced with grief, and the most sincere repentance; and instantly quitted the fatal company and occasions, and going forth gave full vent to a flood of tears, which flowed from a heart broken with contrition. “For Peter, when he had denied Christ, did not weep for fear of punishment; but this was the most bitter to him, and worse than any punishment, that he had denied him whom he loved,” as St. Chrysostom observes.

20 He thought not of any excuses from the circumstances of surprise, frailty, or compulsion: nor did he say anything to extenuate his guilt. A true penitent sees the enormity of his sins with all their exaggerating circumstances; and is his own most severe accuser.

This apostle set no bounds to his sorrow; and his cheeks are said to have been always furrowed with the streams of tears😦 which he often shed to the end of his life.

And as he fell by presumption, he ever after made the most profound humility the favourite and distinguishing part of his virtue, as St. Chrysostom remarks.

21 From his example we must be apprized, that if we confide in our own strength, we are vanquished without fighting. This great model of pastors learned by his fall to treat sinners with tenderness and compassion; and Christ, by the graces and dignity to which he exalted him after his fall, shows his boundless mercy, and how perfectly true repentance blots out sin.
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I want to thank all who have offered me advice thus far. On the recommendations of some of the posters, I have begun praying for the special intercession of St Peter.

Considering what has been said in the replies, I must clarify that I have been able to forgive myself after my misdeed. Why else would I have sought sacerdotal Penance? Who knows, maybe I still hold on the sin subconsciously. But, I do not fear ‘damnation’ on account of my sin nor do I fear a severed relationship between our Lord and myself. I must admit that my original post was composed rather emotionally.

Perhaps my ‘problem’ should be further explained.

I am now presented with several practical challenges after the incident. One of my goals regarding marriage has always been to find somebody very similar to myself. In other words, the equality of souls has always guided my romantic ‘interests’ or lack thereof. I have come to believe that experiences mould character and that actions are indicative of said character. In other words, two persons who have experienced the same or very similar events are more likely to be similar to each other. Furthermore, if both persons act similarly in the same situations, they are likely of similar character, as reflected by their behaviour.
I must admit that the search was easier before my misdeed, since one very clear criterion greatly narrowed down my potential interests. (Note, I was never obsessed with virginity per se, I only considered it an easily discernible common ‘feature’ between me and a potential interest.)
Now, after my misdeed, I feel unequal to, and even unworthy of, a completely inexperienced woman. I simply fear that our souls would be too different. But, then the ‘experienced’ young women around my age are generally far more experienced than I am, and consequently, I am afraid that they would be of a very different character from me.
For the first category of women, there are men of a more matched character. The same can be applied to the latter women. I fall into a very strange middle, which I fear carries a very scarce number of inhabitants.
For me, the question of ‘experience’ was never about a ‘standard’, which treats a fallen person as a ‘damaged good’. However, ‘experience’ or lack thereof was a feature that allowed me to discern commonality.

Compound this one dilemma with all of my other oddities that I accumulated from various experiences in my life (you can read about them in my other posts and roll your eyes), my ‘romantic’ situation becomes rather dismal.
In other words, I simply feel that I have destroyed my chances of finding a suitable match with little to no hope of a feasible resolution.
 
I believe you are over-thinking this and are focusing too much on sexual experience. I can certainly understand disinterest in females who have extensive sexual experiences, especially those that have had a boatload of “partners”. However, I suggest you focus on developing your own virtues, including chastity, and consider the virtues you observe now in eligible women. Concern about previous behavior being an indicator of what to expect from someone now seems prudent. Just balance that with what you actually observe now.
 
Dear Klemens,

It seems we are in a verrrrrry similar situation. You have my empathy. And speaking to religious clergy has been a mixed bag.

I can only say, if you haven’t already gone to confession and I’m sure you have, do so, then forgive yourself. Perhaps take a holiday. Put it in His hands. Get out and be among other people, other Catholics.

This is the advice given to me, and I am basically walking on the same path as you are.

My prayers,
GW
 
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