Afraid I would not be a good father? Not fit for marriage? Called to Priesthood instead?

[Walterross]

Hi everyone,

So this is a discernment question, I suppose. All my life I’ve wanted to be married and have kids. I wanted to fall in love and raise a good strong Catholic family. This is still what I want more than anything in this life.

However, I have always struggled with feelings of depression and anxiety. And learning about the wide road to damnation and the narrow to eternal life has made these worse. I’m constantly thinking about that, and am deeply saddened at all who may be lost. I sometimes feel like if I was a father, I would forfeit the opportunity to save so many more souls. (It might be a pride thing, but I somehow want to be the next great Saint or to have this magic wand that will convert everyone if I become a priest.) I think I would be a good priest, or good enough anyways.

Yet I always come back to the fact that I want marriage. I sometimes feel like saying “Well if I’m honest, there is no way to save everyone by becoming a priest, so I’ll leave that job to someone else and just get married, which is what I desire.” I somehow feel guilty saying this and feel like it’s selfish. I really DON’T want God to be calling me to priesthood, yet pondering the afterlife makes me upset, and makes me want to become a priest to save more people, especially family members.

Now, concerning my last point, I have older family members who downright ignore church teachings and it scares me that they may not go to heaven. I think that by my becoming of a Priest, I may actually be able to tell them their sins from a place of authority, rather than them saying “oh that’s just the church for you. You’ll understand when you grow up.” I almost want to become a priest to save my family and friends. I’m thinking they’ll say, “Oh he became a priest, he must be serious about this whole Catholic thing”, and listen to me.

Yet marriage is where my biggest desire lies. Yet, every time I think about marriage I’m met with guilt about not becoming a priest. I’m also met with thoughts that I’m not good enough to raise a family or be a good husband. I get frustrated with my family because it’s like “You’re supposed to be raising ME in the faith, I shouldn’t have to worry about YOU.” Especially when it’s concerning my vocation. Am I going crazy here or has anyone else had this kind of “vocation guilt?”

 

[MNathaniel]

How old are you?

You used a couple phrases that leave me wondering if you’re still a minor:

them saying “… You’ll understand when you grow up.”

I get frustrated with my family because it’s like “You’re supposed to be raising ME in the faith…

Knowing your (approximate) age might help us tailor advice to your concrete life circumstances.

Beyond that, my suggestion would be that discerning the priesthood isn’t a solo activity. If you’re going to seriously discern this, you’ll need to do so under a spiritual director. Have you reached out to your local priest to inquire about a spiritual director to assist you as you begin a discernment process? The questions you’ve asked are the sorts of things you’ll unpack and work through as you move through such a process.

Also, your current thread title and post content seem unrelated to me. Your title makes it sound like you wonder whether a probable bad husband and father should pursue the priesthood instead (answer: No.). But the actual content of your post is very different, suggesting you desire marriage but have a whole can of worms to work through in terms of reasons you think the priesthood is worth discerning. Folks here can respond to some of those (e.g. address comments you’ve made about depression, wanting your family to take you more seriously as an ‘authority’ (lol, good luck with that, whether you become a priest or not. As Jesus said, a prophet in his hometown…), but ultimately a one-on-one spiritual director might be helpful for you.

 

[TK421]

These are common feelings and struggles as a person transitions into adulthood. It is also common for a person that is beginning to consider the priesthood to also have a strong desire towards marriage as well. Just be comforted in knowing that you’re not alone but that many, many people have been in a similar position in life throughout the centuries and they took one day at a time in order to get through it.

If at some point you want to discern the priestly vocation, make sure to reach out to the diocese because they can help you in sorting through these conflicted thoughts and it is not something a person ought to be doing by themselves, because we are weak when we are alone.

Peace

 

[ZemD]

I have older family members who downright ignore church teachings and it scares me that they may not go to heaven. I think that by my becoming of a Priest, I may actually be able to tell them their sins from a place of authority

If a person is set in his ways with no desire to change, he likely would not change his behavior even if the pope himself personally corrected him. It is sad to see relatives persisting in sin, but it is, in my opinion, better to pray for their hearts to soften so they would be open to changing their own behavior, than to expect them to change by you becoming a priest and correcting them.

If you want to explore becoming a priest the first thing to do would be call your diocese.

 

[MeganCecilia]

You should get a spiritual director to help you through discernment. And married life is a calling. You can save many people as a layman and direct them to the church!! You don’t need to be a priest to do that

 

[HomeschoolDad]

In reading your narrative, in a lot of places, I felt like I was reading a slightly altered version of my own journey from the ages of around 18 to my early 30s.

Even after I married, I would often think “did I mess up? — was this not my calling after all?” (my marriage was troubled literally from day one, and it pretty much stayed that way), and if I had a dollar for every time I have said “if I were a priest…”, well, that would be a lot of dollars. (Incidentally, I do not think I ever suffered from depression, though I did have anxiety in younger years that I have long since moved past.) It’s too late now — seminaries don’t take sexagenarian men who still have minor children to raise (later-in-life thing, what can I say?) — and in my own defense, I did ask my pastor back in those days, and he told me he didn’t think I had a vocation.

Go to a faithful priest, loyal to the magisterium in all things, and tell him exactly what you said here. You might want to print it out and show it to him. Then see what he says. What I am hearing is “I kind of want to be a priest, but I really don’t want to”. A vocation has to be clearer than that.

One thing I would add, and when I expressed this in these forums some time back, I got a lot of blowback along the lines of “no, you’re wrong, a vocation has to be pure and uninfluenced by anything else in your life” (a sentiment I’d dispute, life is more complicated than that), but I do think a failure at one kind of vocation (as in secular life) most certainly can be a sign that your true vocation lies elsewhere, even in the priesthood. But I don’t think that is the case with your situation.

 

[Walterross]

Knowing your (approximate) age might help us tailor advice to your concrete life circumstances.

21 going to be 22 very soon!

 

[Walterross]

Also, your current thread title and post content seem unrelated to me.

Also sorry about that, I meant to touch on the whole “bad father” part a bit more. I just feel that this guilt that I’m feeling from pursuing dating/marriage will mean that since that is not what God called me to, I’m going to be miserable and even more depressed, which would in turn lead me to being a bad father. I’ve sought spiritual direction a bit, and my priest said that we will feel the most joy in the vocation God has called us to. So I’m afraid if God calls me to priesthood, but I REALLY don’t want to be a priest, and I get married instead, that He’ll make my life sad, miserable, and full of regret. I wish the call was not there (if it is) and was to marriage instead! I’ve always wanted that and the only thing getting in the way of me pursuing it is this weird guilt or “pit in the stomach” feeling.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

MNathaniel:

Knowing your (approximate) age might help us tailor advice to your concrete life circumstances.

21 going to be 22 very soon!

MNathaniel:

Also, your current thread title and post content seem unrelated to me.

Also sorry about that, I meant to touch on the whole “bad father” part a bit more. I just feel that this guilt that I’m feeling from pursuing dating/marriage will mean that since that is not what God called me to, I’m going to be miserable and even more depressed, which would in turn lead me to being a bad father. I’ve sought spiritual direction a bit, and my priest said that we will feel the most joy in the vocation God has called us to. So I’m afraid if God calls me to priesthood, but I REALLY don’t want to be a priest, and I get married instead, that He’ll make my life sad, miserable, and full of regret. I wish the call was not there (if it is) and was to marriage instead! I’ve always wanted that and the only thing getting in the way of me pursuing it is this weird guilt or “pit in the stomach” feeling.

21 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Again, go to a priest, and tell him everything you told us here.

“Back in the day”, if I understand people’s mentality correctly in those times, the idea was “capture that vocation early, don’t let anything get in its way, don’t entertain alternatives — that could be the evil one trying to ruin your vocation — and don’t date or get into a relationship, that, too, could ruin your vocation”. I agree with the part about not dating while in the seminary, but aside from that, vocations are very complicated things sometimes, and I have to think they are fairly robust, rugged things. In short, if you are truly called, just give it time, give it a lot of prayer, and you will have your answer. And seek spiritual direction. Don’t try to figure it out all on your own. Once you get into the formation process, they wouldn’t let you do that anyway. There is a lot of screening that goes on.

 

[Walterross]

In short, if you are truly called, just give it time, give it a lot of prayer, and you will have your answer. And seek spiritual direction. Don’t try to figure it out all on your own. Once you get into the formation process, they wouldn’t let you do that anyway. There is a lot of screening that goes on.

Hi thanks for your replies! My priest told me to discern for around a year, with daily mass when possible, daily rosary and scripture reading. I’ve been doing that and I do sometimes get the sense of “if not me then who?” as far as priesthood, but this frustrates me greatly, because we are all called to holiness, therefore why should I have to go to a vocation that I don’t want, yet feel called to, instead of what I think will make me happy. I get angry at God sometimes for giving me anxiety/worry for pursuing dating.(I’ve made a profile on CatholicMatch and a few other sites and have talked to a few women. There’s one in particular that seems great and I’d love to pursue her, yet I get this feeling that I’m not supposed to do this, even though we are both great Catholics who want the same thing! Why on earth would God do this? I sometimes think maybe it’s not God, and that I need to get antidepressants or meds of some sort for my mental issues, but I have a weird feeling that this feeling will persist while I continue to date. I want to laugh but sometimes I wish God would leave me alone and let me choose (which He will, but I hope He doesn’t make me miserable if I don’t choose what He wants).

 

[Jen7]

You can’t just have “a vocation to marriage” by itself. You need to marry SOMEONE. I would stop focusing on your vocational possibilities in a vacuum like this & start asking some people out for coffee or something. Start getting to know them! See where it goes. Do you want to marry THAT PERSON? If yes, you may have a calling to marriage. If no, you’re not (yet) called to marriage.

Also I should add… your concerns may melt away if/when you meet someone you want to marry. Mine did. I was so scared to be a mom. Then I met my husband & was like “eh, we’ll figure it out together!” Why? Because I really liked him a lot! He took the fear out of me. Love took the fear out. But “discernment” couldn’t have done that, see? It took a relationship with a specific person.

 

[whichwaytogo47]

However, I have always struggled with feelings of depression and anxiety. And learning about the wide road to damnation and the narrow to eternal life has made these worse. I’m constantly thinking about that, and am deeply saddened at all who may be lost. I sometimes feel like if I was a father, I would forfeit the opportunity to save so many more souls. (It might be a pride thing, but I somehow want to be the next great Saint or to have this magic wand that will convert everyone if I become a priest.) I think I would be a good priest, or good enough anyways.

If you saved just ONE soul as a result of being in the priesthood, would you consider that sufficient? If so, maybe you can accomplish this even being a husband and father.

The question is: do yo believe you’re called to live the singles life, the married life, or the church life?

You are required to be open to the call of the priesthood or to be a permanent deacon after you get married if that’s your call. Also, people choose Hell of their own free-will which I agree is a scary thought. But whether you are a layman or have a calling to the priesthood, you can pray for your loved one’s conversion. Actually, as Catholics, we believe that even after death, we can pray for our loved ones to convert. I’d actually suggest even praying for loved ones that died praying that at the moment of their death or sometime in their life they confessed their sins and/or converted to a love for Christ. If there’s someone you think is in danger of Hell, make sure to have a mass said for them whether living or dead and fast for that loved one. God knows you were going to pray for that loved one. Fasting is important. Weird yes, but it is a loving act. It’s not fruitless because you’re not trying to take someone that has already been judged but are asking that their free-will prior to death got turned towards God.

As a baptized Catholic, you are a priest which means it’s still your obligation to go and save souls. This can be actively evangelizing or thru your own actions not to bring scandal to another thru your own sin.

I’d highly suggest starting the St Monica novena. It started a couple days ago but you can start right where you are. For each family member that you want to see converted, learn how to fast for that person (might be bread and water, might be giving up coffee, sweets, eating two small meals not equal to your large meal). Learning how to fast can be a powerful form of prayer. I have not mastered fasting.

 

[Walterross]

If you saved just ONE soul as a result of being in the priesthood, would you consider that sufficient? If so, maybe you can accomplish this even being a husband and father.

The question is: do yo believe you’re called to live the singles life, the married life, or the church life?

You are required to be open to the call of the priesthood or to be a permanent deacon after you get married if that’s your call. Also, people choose Hell of their own free-will which I agree is a scary thought. But whether you are a layman or have a calling to the priesthood, you can pray for your loved one’s conversion. Actually, as Catholics, we believe that even after death, we can pray for our loved ones to convert. I’d actually suggest even praying for loved ones that died (not because they can somehow be taken out of Hell but that at the moment of their death that they converted to a love for Christ or confessed their sins).

As a baptized Catholic, you are a priest which means it’s still your obligation to go and save souls. This can be actively evangelizing or thru your own actions not to bring scandal to another.

I’d highly suggest starting the St Monica novena. It started a couple days ago but you can start right where you are. For each family member that you want to see converted, learn how to fast for that person (might be bread and water, might be giving up coffee, sweets, etc).

I realize that we’re all called to save souls. I get that. That’s why I want to be a husband and father. I’d for sure be the faith leader of the family and do my very best to get my wife and kids to heaven. I’m just concerned that God will make this hard on me because I was “supposed” to be a priest. I somehow feel that since I might have been called elsewhere, that God is “okay” with me where I am but he is disappointed in my decision, and will always keep that pit in my stomach that feels empty.

I somehow wish that whatever we choose IS our vocation (free will), but I’m just afraid that God will leave me unfulfilled, even if I do the absolute best that I can in the vocation I’ve chosen. I then get those feelings that since I’m not called to married life, if I pursue it, it’s going to be much harder than for anyone else (who WAS called to marriage).

I definitely do fast from meat on Fridays and offer up penance when I’m suffering for those I love, it’s just very disheartening to see them not changing. I will not give up, but it gets hard sometimes. But yes, I’m sure our Lord does not waste our fasting!

 

[whichwaytogo47]

One thing I forgot to add: sometimes it appears that God doesn’t answer prayers but God instead answers them on his own time. Sometimes, you get a no, sometimes a yes, and sometimes a NOT YET. So you may not be called to the married life or the priesthood until your 30s, 40s, or even 50s. Unfortunately, sometimes God remains silent and we don’t know which path He is leading us on.

I’m just concerned that God will make this hard on me because I was “supposed” to be a priest.

Sometimes our greatest challenges are our crosses to make us stronger. Even a mother/father who’s child dies could have meant to have been a parent for that child at that time. Just because God allows some people to have a tougher road doesn’t mean that the person chose the wrong path. Even that short-life can be a great life and more importantly can be virtuous.

it’s just very disheartening to see them not changing. I will not give up, but it gets hard sometimes

Sometimes it takes decades for people to see the light. You might not be the person to plant seeds that brings a loved one back to the church, but hope God will put someone in their life to plant those very seeds that brings them back to the church even if it is at the moment of their death.

I realize that we’re all called to save souls. I get that. That’s why I want to be a husband and father.

Remember that even if the kids walk away from the Catholic Church, you still could have succeeded as a father by teaching the faith that will lead them back to the Christian church.

I’m just afraid that God will leave me unfulfilled, even if I do the absolute best that I can in the vocation I’ve chosen. I then get those feelings that since I’m not called to married life, if I pursue it, it’s going to be much harder than for anyone else (who WAS called to marriage).

The devil will always try to sow doubts about your choices / decisions. If you choose to be a husband and father, the devil will attempt to make you regret not being a priest. If you choose to be a priest, the devil will attempt to make you regret not being a husband and father. He’s seeking your ruin.

As others have said, get a good spiritual director and try to find your path. If you’re meant to be a priest, you will find your way to the priesthood. You will connect the dots. It will be an epiphany - a life changing event where you will be sure of your decision at least eventually (which is why you need at least a year of discernment). You will break off an engagement. You will willingly sell/give everything you own. Even though it will be a tough path and you will give up everything that is earthly, you will have tremendous joy. The decision will become obvious and clear because God will reveal it to you.

 

[Walterross]

As others have said, get a good spiritual director and try to find your path. If you’re meant to be a priest, you will find your way to the priesthood. You will connect the dots. It will be an epiphany - a life changing event where you will be sure of your decision at least eventually (which is why you need at least a year of discernment). You will break off an engagement. You will willingly sell/give everything you own. Even though it will be a tough path and you will give up everything that is earthly, you will have tremendous joy. The decision will become obvious and clear because God will reveal it to you.

You know, my initial thoughts to this make me comforted that I may not be called to the priesthood. I can’t imagine breaking off an engagement with someone I love dearly, (would only propose to someone I love dearly). I realize that can happen, but I sure pray that it does not. I wonder if all this fighting against the priesthood is a sign that I should not be one. Or, God is going to pull the old “gotcha!” and call me in spite of it all. I sure hope it’s the first!

 

[NevermoreLenore]

It is a noble desire to want to serve God as a priest. It is also a noble desire to want to serve God as a husband and father. I’ve been married to a phenomenal man for twenty years and he is guiding me toward salvation every day; a life partnership with him has made me a better person. My own father, gone 12+ years now, was the epitome of Christian love and service. My mother …went a different direction and caused me significant damage which I still struggle to overcome, but my father’s love and strength buoyed (still does, actually) during the raging storms. I had an amazing father and I’m married to an amazing father and husband–these men have shown me Christ through their lives and dedication to loving God and neighbour.

Isaiah 30:21 has been one of the most instructive pieces of wisdom and guidance throughout my life: “And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.” Very often, we don’t get the burning bush experience telling us what to do. That would be helpful, no?! But I believe He guides us one step at a time to increase our faith. He doesn’t give us the map and instructions, rather He speaks in the quiet whisper, ‘this way. Now go left, now right’. This requires vastly more faith to hear just the current direction or step without knowing what follows.

Regarding depression and anxiety, you will carry those burdens whether you are a father or a priest. The best thing is to seek therapy and work on ‘adult you’. Build your faith, practice relationship/interpersonal skills, learn a craft–find out who you are a bit at a time. Having moved out at 19 and married at 24, I found my time alone invaluable in helping me grow up and understand adulthood–it took time for me to become the person I needed to be to be prepared for my vocation (marriage).

You don’t need all the answers now, my friend, as difficult as it may be–just get up tomorrow and do what needs to be done. Certainly plan for the future as opportunities arise but I find it helpful, especially during my darkest times, to face the day, hour, or even minute that is just ahead of me. Tomorrow you’ll receive tomorrow’s strength. The next day will subsequently provide the necessary strength. God has you.

 

[kapp19]

There are a lot of tricks you are falling for.

First, the world already has a Savior. It’s not you.

Second, God wants to sanctify the world through you in proportion with your actual temperaments and healthy desires, not your idealistic aspirations. The ideal, by the way, depending on which saint you ask, is either to be purely contemplative (like the Carthusians, or a hermit) or to be active-contemplative (like the Dominicans). It is a good motive to save souls, but charity begins with God and then first extends to your own soul… It deserves the most attention. Don’t drive yourself insane, that is certainly NOT what God wants. And it is fine to move along the path up the mountain slowly and indirectly, as long as you are moving in a way consistent with your capacity and are heading in the right direction with perseverance.

Third, you will not have success converting your family members. It is almost a guarantee. They know you as “the carpenter’s son,” and if they don’t try to “throw you off a cliff” then they will typically just politely ignore you. Don’t worry about converting Nazareth… it’s not exactly your responsibility.

Fourth, you should not be desiring that God calls you to this or that state of life, only that He helps you to respond to whatever He wants you to do. While it is understandable to be frustrated with contradiction of our wills, we need to shake ourselves out of that and focus on God and His infinite Goodness and Love for us. He loves you a LOT more than you love yourself.

Fifth, you should at least give the option of going to seminary a fair chance by involving yourself in your parish and maybe going to a diocesan or some religious order’s discernment/vocations events… which are non-committal and will usually be helpful no matter what you end up doing.

Sixth, marriage will not fix your anxiety or depression. Or at least don’t count on that. As one priest once said to a young man discerning - “The grass is brown on both sides.”

I also disagree that this will simply “become clear” to you. That is not good advice, in my opinion. Vocational discernment is often very, very murky. But as long as we are sincerely trying to do the will of God, He will at least not let us ruin ourselves…

Do find someone to talk to in real life…

-K

 

[Jen7]

somehow wish that whatever we choose IS our vocation (free will), but I’m just afraid that God will leave me unfulfilled, even if I do the absolute best that I can in the vocation I’ve chosen. I then get those feelings that since I’m not called to married life, if I pursue it, it’s going to be much harder than for anyone else (who WAS called to marriage.)

Why should you feel fulfilled?? I don’t think a persons fulfillment is what God has in mind when he calls a person. I doubt our Lady felt personally fulfilled in her vocation… or St. Thomas More (his first wife died and his second wife sounded difficult to live with)… or St. Francis Xavier who hardly made any converts but preached faithfully for years. Our calling is to a particular CROSS.

 

[Irishmom2]

All my life I’ve wanted to be married and have kids. I wanted to fall in love and raise a good strong Catholic family. This is still what I want more than anything in this life.

Then this is what you should do.

You are 21. You have plenty of time to meet someone. You are still young. If you marry and have a family, you will be helping to save souls: those of your family. As for being a saint, you can live and ordinary life and still become a saint, it is something we all strive for. You are right, to want to become “the next great saint” is a pride thing, you are making it all about you. So is wanting to become a priest so people will see how serious you are about “this whole Catholic thing.” You shouldn’t care what they think about your faith. To want people to think you are holy instead of just being holy is a pride thing.

If you want to convert people, lead by genuine example, not by doing things for them to notice you.

 

[Irishmom2]

Or, God is going to pull the old “gotcha!” and call me in spite of it all. I sure hope it’s the first!

It doesn’t work that way. God is not going to drag people into the priesthood that really don’t want to be there.