Afraid of sex? (women only please)

[lovemyfaith1]

I am a single young woman and I am not married nor am planning to marry any time soon. My family sometimes pressures me to get married. I’m not against it but I realized something about myself that might become a problem if I ever find the right man. Whenever I think of sex, I just feel so repulsed and its not something I want at all. I thought of why this might be and I think it’s because of all the sexual sin out there and the way its portrayed in movies or tv, I just can’t see anything good in it except that a child might be born. The way it’s portrayed it’s all about lust and it feels wrong to me. I know God made sex so it can’t be bad. But is there something wrong with me? I’ve never been sexually abused or anything. Am I wrong for feeling this way and has anyone else here dealt with this fear? Thanks I just wanted to ask here because I dont feel comfortable talking about this.

 

[90Domer]

You are not alone. I wasn’t abused either, but sex, in my family, was for 1 purpose. And that was to have kids. And God forbid if you had sex before marriage and got pregnant. You’d be dispelled from the family.

Personally, I think it’s overrated. But that’s just me.

 

[violet81]

You just aren’t quite ready yet.

There is a huge difference between “ready” and “not ready”. When you are not ready then sex is repulsive and frightening. When you are ready sex is amazing, enrapturing…the best natural high on the planet.

 

[lovemyfaith1]

What makes one ready or not ready? The whole concept makes me uncomfortable. To add to this; since I’m single I try hard to live a chaste life and to avoid any impure thoughts or feelings. It’s hard to imagine when you get married, somehow that becomes alright and not sinful anymore, am I correct? But I’ve been trying to live celibate and I can’t imagine it differently. I can’t even imagine allowing myself to have sexual thoughts, although I have done this many times in the past before I got serious about my faith. I have closed the door on that part of my life and on sexual sin though yes I still get tempted from time to time. I’m expecting my wedding night to be a big shock, or I would be the bride who locks herself in the bathroom and refuses to come out .J/K. Something I cherish about my relationship with Jesus is that it’s one of the few relationships that could be very intimate but not sexual. That’s honestly such a relief for me. Lol I don’t envy my future husband. Do you think that I’m just not meant to marry? or am I not ready or is there something seriously wrong with my mind. I see posts by some people saying how sex is like the best thing ever but I just find it scary and not something I even want.

 

[violet81]

I don’t know that it means you are not called to the married life. Even nuns have a sexual awakening at some point…they just subliminate it into their spiritual life.

For a female (I can’t speak for men) sex is an act of surrender. It is very vulnerable, because unlike men we actually receive the other person into our bodies. That is why it is scary. It is also why it can be so wonderful. Somewhere deep down inside we all want to surrender our whole selves… sex does that in the physical sense but it is also a symbol of how our whole life is oriented.

Holy sex can actually make you feel closer to God… it isn’t just a cliche… The surrender is very much like what we crave in our spiritual lives.

 

[onmyknees]

lovemyfaith1, I think you will feel better about it when you meet the man that really cares and loves you. Sure it is kind of scary and the first time but if your future husband is gentle and loving like mine was it will be okay. It gets better and better the longer you are married. Practice makes perfect.

 

[lovemyfaith1]

Violet I’m thinking about your post. How do nuns subliminate sexuality into their spiritual life? I can’t say I ever heard this before. I think nuns try very hard to live purely and not in a sexual way, in any case they should. I think I just don’t understand what you mean.

I think so too that as women or as people in general we want to surrender our whole selves but I dont feel that sex is even the very best expression of this.??? Sex does show surrender in a marriage but isn’t it only a feeble image of another relationship we have that is with our God. Our marriage to Christ ,so to speak, must be something that’s incredibly greater. I’ll be blunt, it makes me uncomfortable to think that what we crave spiritually we can find in sex. That’s almost like idolizing sex I don’t know if I can see it that way. I think the surrender we crave can only be found in surrendering to Jesus who we were created for. I don’t know if I’ve understood what you said correctly please let me know if this is the case. When I think of marriage I just think of having children and helping each other reach heaven but I don’t feel that the things I crave most in my life could be found in sex. I think as people we all want to give ourselves to someone and to love with all our hearts and be loved, well the thing is I’ve loved Christ in this way for a long time and this fulfills me. I don’t know if I could love a man in this same deep way and I just dont have a longing for it. I can see there are many issues that change how I see sex. Yet I don’t know why I find it frightening, it could be something in my past, I just dont know!

 

[lovemyfaith1]

thanks for sharing your thoughts onmyknees. I’m just afraid that marriage would feel more like a duty to me, like something I should do to please my family or because I want to have children (i do love kids!). I hope if it’s God’s will I’ll meet the right man who is gentle and kind like you said, yet I’m also afriad I’ll always see him in a more platonic way as a very close friend and not in the way marriage is supposed to work. I know this probably sounds funny but I dont know why I feel this way. It’s like I would love him as a person but never be in love with him. maybe that’s the reason I feel scared of sex, because I cant picture giving myself to this strange man that I don’t even know yet, and who I imagine more as a good friend. Lol. I know I’m kind of laughing at myself but it’s true. And it’s not even that I’m this asexual person since I’ve sinned in the past and I’ve also been attracted to guys. Something just changed in me since that time and Im not sure what that is. Maybe it’s true I’m not ready for marriage.

 

[violet81]

How do nuns subliminate sexuality into their spiritual life? I can’t say I ever heard this before. I think nuns try very hard to live purely and not in a sexual way, in any case they should. I think I just don’t understand what you mean.

The desire they have for sexual surrender is transferred to a spiritual surrender to Christ.

Our marriage to Christ ,so to speak, must be something that’s incredibly greater. I’ll be blunt, it makes me uncomfortable to think that what we crave spiritually we can find in sex. That’s almost like idolizing sex I don’t know if I can see it that way.

I agree that our yearning for Christ should be much greater than our yearning for sex. Just reverse your understanding…what we crave in sex is symbolic of what we crave in God- Unity…surrender to the Divine Will. Sex isn’t a replacement…it is only a signifier. It is one of many arrows in life that point to our higher purpose- communion with God.

When I think of marriage I just think of having children and helping each other reach heaven but I don’t feel that the things I crave most in my life could be found in sex.

The things you crave most in life…spiritual communion with God… can’t be found through sex. Sex is only a means of experiencing communion with another person in a physical and emotional way. It reflects our desires for God. It doesn’t replace those desires. A happy sex life will do nothing to diminish spiritual cravings.

I don’t know if I could love a man in this same deep way and I just dont have a longing for it.

When/if you do fall in-love it will activate your hormones and that will assist you in loving a man in a physical way. Those hormones do eventually wear off and that is when the hard work begins…but I think God created those hormones precisely because the transition from celibacy to marital intimacy can be difficult.

And then there are the couple of glasses of wine you drink at your wedding. That helps too.

 

[lovemyfaith1]

The desire they have for sexual surrender is transferred to a spiritual surrender to Christ.

I think I understand better what you are saying now but I see see it in a different way almost an opposite way. I think God gave us a desire for spiritual surrender to Him, and if people desire the sexual surrender that’s only because it reminds them of this deeper spiritual surrender. Also because our bodies are made this way and hormones and such. I’m wondering if it’s the rest of us, not the nuns, who are transferring our original desire, and they are going right to the source of what we want. It’s interesting how we see these things so differently but who knows why.

I agree that our yearning for Christ should be much greater than our yearning for sex. Just reverse your understanding…what we crave in sex is symbolic of what we crave in God- Unity…surrender to the Divine Will. Sex isn’t a replacement…it is only a signifier. It is one of many arrows in life that point to our higher purpose- communion with God.

okay that I do see.

The things you crave most in life…spiritual communion with God… can’t be found through sex. Sex is only a means of experiencing communion with another person in a physical and emotional way. It reflects our desires for God. It doesn’t replace those desires. A happy sex life will do nothing to diminish spiritual cravings.

I see it the same way too and I get that

When/if you do fall in-love it will activate your hormones and that will assist you in loving a man in a physical way. Those hormones do eventually wear off and that is when the hard work begins…but I think God created those hormones precisely because the transition from celibacy to marital intimacy can be difficult.

And then there are the couple of glasses of wine you drink at your wedding. That helps too.

Lol good point

 

[violet81]

Also because our bodies are made this way and hormones and such. I’m wondering if it’s the rest of us, not the nuns, who are transferring our original desire, and they are going right to the source of what we want. It’s interesting how we see these things so differently but who knows why.

What I mean is that they are subliminating their bodies desires. Not necessarily their emotional desires. Our bodies are wired to move us in the direction of baby-making… If you subliminate a physical desire then you are using the energy that desire produces and channeling it in a different direction. For instance- artists sometimes abstain from sex because they believe subliminating the desire gives them more creative energy for their art.

 

[twoangels]

I am a single young woman and I am not married nor am planning to marry any time soon. My family sometimes pressures me to get married. I’m not against it but I realized something about myself that might become a problem if I ever find the right man. Whenever I think of sex, I just feel so repulsed and its not something I want at all. I thought of why this might be and I think it’s because of all the sexual sin out there and the way its portrayed in movies or tv, I just can’t see anything good in it except that a child might be born. The way it’s portrayed it’s all about lust and it feels wrong to me. I know God made sex so it can’t be bad. But is there something wrong with me? I’ve never been sexually abused or anything. Am I wrong for feeling this way and has anyone else here dealt with this fear? Thanks I just wanted to ask here because I dont feel comfortable talking about this.

Afraid of sex? I was petrified of sex and to such an extreeme, I probably sound like a crazy person. I’ve honestly met very few people who were as afraid of sex as I was. I think some fear is normal for most women, but depending how a woman is raised (even if she’s not molested) sometimes the anxiety about sex can be mentally unhealthy.

For me, my fears were mentally unhealthy and it has physical manifestations. Because of that, sex did not come easy for me when I got married. That said, at this point in my marriage, even if I still struggle with my hang ups, sex is entirely different from how the world portrays it. Honestly the sexual humor the world has offends me even more because it demeans something that can be so beautifully intimate. I think the problem is that there are aspects to sex that are really hard to compare to anything else and that simply can’t exist if you’re sleeping around or have any reserverations about mutually giving your entire lives to one another. Its simply not just what is physically going on or what physical pleasures one is experiencing. There is something more to it that is special between husband and wife. It does however take a willingness to be volunerable. Learning to be volunerable with each other I think has been a challenge for both of us. My husband though is a bit further along with it than I am.

its very hard to let go of prudishness. If you’re so afraid that you’re constantly anxious about it and wondering if its fair if you date, than your fears may be a bit unhealthy. It may be a good idea to try to resolve them now rather than to wait till you’re married. Granted, sometimes that anxiety is so big that some of overcoming it does involve waiting to overcome aspects of it in marriage. But I think most virgin women have some fear over it that doesn’t negatively affect their marriage.

 

[twoangels]

thanks for sharing your thoughts onmyknees. I’m just afraid that marriage would feel more like a duty to me, like something I should do to please my family or because I want to have children (i do love kids!). I hope if it’s God’s will I’ll meet the right man who is gentle and kind like you said, yet I’m also afriad I’ll always see him in a more platonic way as a very close friend and not in the way marriage is supposed to work. I know this probably sounds funny but I dont know why I feel this way. It’s like I would love him as a person but never be in love with him. maybe that’s the reason I feel scared of sex, because I cant picture giving myself to this strange man that I don’t even know yet, and who I imagine more as a good friend. Lol. I know I’m kind of laughing at myself but it’s true. And it’s not even that I’m this asexual person since I’ve sinned in the past and I’ve also been attracted to guys. Something just changed in me since that time and Im not sure what that is. Maybe it’s true I’m not ready for marriage.

I greatly cherished my single years as well and that intimate exclusivity with God. I definitely did not want to turn a husband into an idol. I had turned a previous boyfriend into an idol and after we broke up and I gave up dating, I found that what my heart longed for more than anything was God. I had been falling for the image and reflection of God when I could have the real thing. Men would always disappointment me because they weren’t God and their love wasn’t as infinite as God’s love for me.

That said, I could never get rid of the desire to raise children and to have a family. It thought religious life was beautiful and I would have preferred it over being single forever, but my heart remained in marriage even with my fear of sex. And when I finally did write in my spiritual journal what I wanted in a man, it was very high standards for any man to acheive.

I did eventually find him. My husband wonderfully kicks me in the butt with prayer. We both encourage each other and honestly I sometimes wonder which is more intimate: praying together or having sex. Heck, sometimes praying together leads to sex which is quite ironic because these same prayers (the Liturgy of the Hours) had been a great resource and protecting our chastity while we were dating. When we were dating, if desires were stiring even in the least, suddenly my husband’s watch would go off as another hour to pray and with the length of the prayers and what not, we’d be completely cooled off and no longer tempted when we were done praying. However, now its more like “Oh I’m not interested at all.” and then we get done praying vespers and … Sort of strange that way. Granted, its not always like that. I also think its strange how loved I feel lately when he comes home with groceries (when I know he didn’t want to go grocery shopping) and then even though I know he’s tired, he’s like “I gotta take out the garbage as well.” Who would have thought my brain would translate that into “I love you” and that I’d start feeling all giddy and appreciate and affectionate feeling toward him. Its really weird.

St. Paul’s statement in Corinthians about married people having divided hearts really frightened me. I didn’t want a man competing for my heart at all. But both of us really felt that it was pleasing to God that we do marry. I do believe that marrying my husband was an act of submission to God and not negative submission at all. And submitting to my husband you could liken to submitting to the human authorities God places over us in other areas of our life. Its not always a thing of either God or them. If you have a good and holy God-center relationship, than there really is no conflict between submitting to your husband and being volunerable with him and submitting to God. In fact, submitting to your husband is a part of submitting to God.

I’m not sure if that helps, but maybe it does.

 

[mgreen77]

because I cant picture giving myself to this strange man that I don’t even know yet…

And that might be a large part of the fear… it’s all abstract right now, sex just as an isolated “idea” and not something that arises naturally from an actual, loving relationship with someone you adore.

 

[twoangels]

When/if you do fall in-love it will activate your hormones and that will assist you in loving a man in a physical way. Those hormones do eventually wear off and that is when the hard work begins…but I think God created those hormones precisely because the transition from celibacy to marital intimacy can be difficult.

And then there are the couple of glasses of wine you drink at your wedding. That helps too.

I’d say this is true to a point. It depends on how large the woman’s anxiety are about sex. With fear, there is a release of adrenaline. Arousal is primarily through the hormone oxytosin (which strangely enough is also released during labor to allow for the delivery of the baby and also when nursing it allows the woman to let down milk for the baby). Oxytosin will counteract the adrenaline of the normal fear of sex, but if the woman’s fear of sex is like that of a phobia, the adrenaline will cancel out the oxytosin and her body will not prepare for intercourse. The same is true in labor. If the a laboring woman is put in a stressful environment and she is petrified of the birth process, her adrenaline levels will cancel out the effects of oxytosin and make it more likely that she will need intervensions like pitosin or a C-section.

So overall it totally depends on how frightened the OP is of sex. Its not always a case of just finding the right man and falling in love. Just because my husband and I struggled to consumate our marriage doesn’t mean that we weren’t in love and certainly it wasn’t a matter of me just waiting longer. I was 29 when I got married. If the fear of sex is excessive, its important to recognize that and seek out professional help.

 

[BrokenFortress]

I agree with the other people that when and if you find the right man, you can learn to not be scared of sex. Although I do think that everyone has a different feeling towards sex (some really like it and seek it, others just think it’s okay) and that’s natural. But being scared isn’t natural if you are with the right person.

I do think it can be a great bonding thing. Yes, it’s true society makes sex only about lust and self-gratification. But in a holy marriage it isn’t like that.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Well I’m not afraid of anything but I’m slow to warm up to people. I guess I’m sort of a loner at time but when I’ve been in a relationship and really cared about someone I’ve found no trouble in wanting to share more. The problem has come in wanting to share more then I should. I would talk to someone about it you may just have some anxiety problems or other problems your unaware of or maybe you just need to meet someone with patience and a low lido.

 

[onmyknees]

I’m also afriad I’ll always see him in a more platonic way as a very close friend and not in the way marriage is supposed to work. I know this probably sounds funny but I dont know why I feel this way. It’s like I would love him as a person but never be in love with him.

lovemyfaith1,

When you said, “It’s like I would love him as a person but never be in love with him.” Did you know that loving someone as the person for who they are is real love! When you love someone this way you will sacrifice for him which is what marriage is all about. The “being in love with him” that you speak about is just feelings and is not real love.

I was 18 yrs. old when I married. I did not ever feel in love with him but I liked him and knew he would make a good husband. I married for security. We have been married for 33 yrs. now.

 

[violet81]

I disagree with onmyknees.

A woman must marry a man with whom she is able to enjoy sexual relations. If she is not attracted to him enough to enjoy sexual relations then he will feel hurt and their sex life may become a problem.

 

[onmyknees]

I disagree with onmyknees.

A woman must marry a man with whom she is able to enjoy sexual relations. If she is not attracted to him enough to enjoy sexual relations then he will feel hurt and their sex life may become a problem.

I posted earlier to lovemyfaith1 about how I was scared of relations at first but my dh was so loving and gentle that I was not scared anymore. I definitely enjoy marital relations probably too much.