After a spouse dies

[anniemart]

I have a question that I have been trying to find a family solution to…family as in all my parish brothers and sisters.

When a spouse dies, whether the couple is young or elderly, what happens to the surviving spouse’s mass attendance?

Have any of you noticed whether or not attendance drops over time; immediately; altogether? I’ve seen for myself times when regardless of the situation, family mass attendance dwindles, stops and people are forgotten. This is something I’ve seen for a while now and I want to help curb if not stop this somehow.

Is it your thought that maybe this is a natural after effect of sorts where an elderly widow or widower is concerned?

Do you have anything in place at your parish (like a hospitality society but maybe more intense) that I might be able to share with mine?

Thank you ahead of time for taking the time to consider my post.

Jesus I Trust in You. Jesus I Trust in You. Jesus I Trust in You.

 

[lak611]

I have a question that I have been trying to find a family solution to…family as in all my parish brothers and sisters.

When a spouse dies, whether the couple is young or elderly, what happens to the surviving spouse’s mass attendance?

Have any of you noticed whether or not attendance drops over time; immediately; altogether? I’ve seen for myself times when regardless of the situation, family mass attendance dwindles, stops and people are forgotten. This is something I’ve seen for a while now and I want to help curb if not stop this somehow.

Is it your thought that maybe this is a natural after effect of sorts where an elderly widow or widower is concerned?

Do you have anything in place at your parish (like a hospitality society but maybe more intense) that I might be able to share with mine?

Thank you ahead of time for taking the time to consider my post.

Jesus I Trust in You. Jesus I Trust in You. Jesus I Trust in You.

My suggestion would be to provide some type of transportation to church. For instance, my parish has an arrangement with the public transit system to bring people to church on Sundays using the community circulator mini-busses for senior citizens. Many older people do not drive (or their spouse was the one who did the driving). If they do not have a ride, they may not be able to get to church. Usually people who are homebound without a ride can call the parish and request that someone bring them Communion. If there was some type of transportation to the church, that could be mentioned if they call to ask to have Communion brought to them. Of course, if they are sick and cannot go to church, they should still be allowed to have Communion brought to them.

 

[anniemart]

thank you Lak611, I’ll share your suggestions with a group of friends…

 

[cathyt]

I’m no expert here by any means, but I think that there may be, at least for some people, a lot more going on that “just” the material needs of physically getting to Mass. A former coworker was a woman who was/is about as Catholic as they come–very devoted and very involved in parish life. In their 60’s when her husband died very suddenly, she struggled with going to Mass. When she could finally get herself to go, she said she had to sit on an end/in the back because it was too hard (emotionally) sometimes to stay the whole time. Now, like I said, this woman was very devoted and hung on through a very difficult time. More than a year after her husband’s death now, she is “back on track” and regularly attends Mass and is plugged into parish life once again.

I also know another wonderful woman whose husband died very suddenly when they were in their late 30’s/early 40’s. For her, I know Mass attendance dwindled quite a bit partly for practical reasons (difficulty with transporation, sleep limited during the week, so very sadly, Sunday became an outlet for that, etc.) Also though, the “fight” with her teen daughters to get them to Mass became something she let up on. In time, she has fallen in love again and is now very involved with a man. Because her kids would lose their dad’s social security money if she remarried, (or some other form of assistance–I’m not really sure what) instead she is living with this man without sacramental marriage and their life is pretty far away from the Church.

I don’t mean to be a pessimist or whatever, but just to say that providing a physical way to get to Mass is an awesome idea, and while I don’t have ny real answer, I’d just like to encourage that kind of outreach to be matched with ministry to the spiritual and emotional needs of people as well. Maybe that goes without saying.

God bless you in your efforts with this! It’s a heroic endeavor to help in a very practical area.

 

[maggieodae]

Our parish provides rides for people who are unable to drive…young, old, widow, widower and that works fine.

But as a widow, I must say I understand the emotional impact. I never miss Mass, but I did go to different parishes each week for most of the first year. I attended my own parish once or twice a month as it is still my parish home. I preferred to move around the first year, as it was not comfortable emotionally to always see all the couples of our parish still living as a family and in the same pew. I felt out of place.

After a year and a half, I am now getting back to my own parish most weeks and I have started a group for widows and widowers in my parish. We are doing things together and it is working well. Dinners, movie’s etc. We can relax, and enjoy ourselves together without feeling like a fifth wheel that went flat. We now jokingly have formed the Widows corner where we sit together.

Hard to explain if you have not been there…but widowhood is a real shock to the system. So far we are finding that the company of other widows helps immensely. We don’t spend our time crying and moaning over our fate. We enjoy one another’s company, we laugh and if someone wants to cry…that’s OK too. But it hasn’t happened so far. It’s nice to be able to talk about our married life and remember without feeling survivor guilt.

 

[bluerose]

My father-in-law passed away quite suddenly, less than a month ago. We were very blessed that he died at home, and even more so that my BIL who is a Legionary priest was able to get home and give his father Extreme Unction before he passed. We also celebrated Mass in my FIL’s room just an hour before he died. Because my BIL was able to stay for a week after Dad’s death, we were able to have private family Masses (small rural community and the parish priest gave us the key to the church, since he was busy at the local tribe’s annual ceremonial… most of the parishioners are Native Americans) so it was two weeks after Dad’s death before Mom attended a public Mass and she cried through most of it. Your loss hits harder when you’re surrounded by a lot of people who, while not necessarily strangers, are not undergoing your pain. She has not given up going to Mass and won’t, because the Mass was the most important thing that she and Dad shared in their 53 years of marriage, and she has three children who can accompany her (my husband sits beside her and holds her when the tears come–she just hates making a public spectacle so she tries to hold it in, but we encourage her to let it out or step out for a few minutes if necessary), but it’s still the emptiness of not having her spouse beside her that makes it both a trial and a comfort to attend Mass.

So I agree it’s not always lack of transportation that keeps widows and widowers from attending Mass, it’s emotions, and how you can help depends a lot on the individual who’s suffered the loss. Some will gladly accept company, some don’t (at least not right away), so there is no “cure-all” for this sad situation.

Except prayer, of course.

 

[lak611]

So I agree it’s not always lack of transportation that keeps widows and widowers from attending Mass, it’s emotions, and how you can help depends a lot on the individual who’s suffered the loss. Some will gladly accept company, some don’t (at least not right away), so there is no “cure-all” for this sad situation.

Except prayer, of course.

My parish has a grief support group for people who have lost a family member callled the Lazareans. The Catholic Cemeteries Association also offers similar support. My parish also has a senior citizens group that meets regularly. So the other support systems are there.

 

[maggieodae]

My parish has a grief support group for people who have lost a family member callled the Lazareans. The Catholic Cemeteries Association also offers similar support. My parish also has a senior citizens group that meets regularly. So the other support systems are there.

We have all those too, but they are not much help for some. I found them intrusive and not helpful, but that is just me. Although, the other widows in my group say the same thing. They didn’t get anything out of them. If they work for some, that is nice. The Senior Citizens one doesn’t work because it is mostly couples. Very depressing.

As to most of the support groups, they had nothing to offer I didn’t already know. Death and dying wrings you out, and the death of a spouse even more so.

 

[lak611]

We have all those too, but they are not much help for some. I found them intrusive and not helpful, but that is just me. Although, the other widows in my group say the same thing. They didn’t get anything out of them. If they work for some, that is nice. The Senior Citizens one doesn’t work because it is mostly couples. Very depressing.

As to most of the support groups, they had nothing to offer I didn’t already know. Death and dying wrings you out, and the death of a spouse even more so.

I am sorry for your loss and also that the parish groups were not helpful. I guess the groups are different in each parish. The senior group in my parish is mainly widows. They do crafts, have lunch, the sort of things that would not appeal to men. There is also a senior center in the community that is open to all and not related to religion.

 

[maggieodae]

I am sorry for your loss and also that the parish groups were not helpful. I guess the groups are different in each parish. The senior group in my parish is mainly widows. They do crafts, have lunch, the sort of things that would not appeal to men. There is also a senior center in the community that is open to all and not related to religion.

I am sure they are helpful to many…just not for me. But, time helps. I’m not much for pity parties, so I shall survive. I just don’t do group therapy… Crafts drive me bonkers.

 

[anniemart]

Thank you so much for sharing your considerate suggestions and thoughts everyone, and thank you especially for sharing such personal and moving life stories and experiences.

My best friend’s father passed away last week and her mother doesn’t drive. She lives about 5 minutes away from our parish but can’t walk a great distance without help. For the the past 40 years, both she and her husband had been very involved in parish organizations and functions like the KC’s; CDA; Altar Society; etc.

She has 5 children; 3 of whom live here in town. Both my best friend and I know that she won’t agree to a rotation schedule as far as mass is concerned—she’ll she it as an imposition in their lives. For now, however, I know she will be attending Sunday mass with her son…She and her husband were the only married couple that attended evening mass during the week. I learned so much from their reverance and my heart aches to know that the pain for her loss has just begun.

Our parish doesn’t have anything in place right now to reach out to those who have lost a loved one. It certainly is a sensitive matter and I ask for the grace necessary…

I will speak to my pastor on Wednesday about all your helpful suggestions.

 

[yessisan]

You know, not just losing a husband or a father can cause this… I stopped attending because it was just so emotional being at Mass when my mom’s youngest brother passed 3 yrs ago. All I could think about was his funeral and memorial services… He was like a brother to me, and I couldn’t stop crying at Mass. I had to stop going because I was falling into a big depression. I never thought this would happen to us, so it is hard for all.

A program designed for grieving and coping would’ve been great, but my parish didn’t offer anything like it.

As for your friend’s mom, it can be hard to get there physically or just emotionally, or distance wise. Do you attend the same parish? Maybe you could offer to pick her up and drop her at home? Maybe you could also suggest to your priest to introduce a group such as the Lazareans?

 

[anniemart]

Yessisan, Thank you for your suggestions. I am very sorry for the loss of your uncle. I pray that over time, both your mother’s hurt and yours has eased and continues to do so. Just from the way you’ve written, he sounds like someone people were happy to have in their midst.

My friend’s mom does live nearby and we attend the same church. I offered to transport her anytime she comes to mass and she accepted. For the meanwhile, though, she will be taking advantage of her son’s offer to attend with her (he hadn’t been a regular attendee in several years) and she hopes this will help them both. I agreed.

I’ve met twice with my pastor and since we have a fairly new Works of Mercy group at the church, he’d like for me to approach the group with some of the ideas we discussed. He did advise me that reaching out to our brothers and sisters at these times might not be easy but gave me much encouragement nonetheless …

In the meanwhile, I had decided I was going to send a personal (but unintrusive?) note to every parishioner who has lost a loved one in the past 12 months just to let them know that prayers are being offered for them at Adoration. Father liked the idea with the note and will be putting in a few words of his own. I think it’s a great idea!

Also, thank you everyone for your sincere posts…and God Bless you for taking the time to share…

Jesus I Ask you for mercy.
Jesus I ask that you teach me to Be merciful.
Jesus I ask that you strengthen my Complete trust in you.
Amen.