After how many dates are you "in a relationship"

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Tradycja

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So, in March I joined Catholic Match and saw this profile. I thought that we had a lot in common in regards to the Faith and even secular interests. She never responded to the message because she was busy with school. Last Sunday it was her birthday so I wished a happy birthday on Catholic Match. She finally responded. We exchanged about 16 lengthy messages back and forth. Two days later we met for coffee and hit it off really well. Two days after that we went out again and it went well. We are set to go out again on Saturday. We have been emailing back and forth about once a day.

By the way I am a choleric melancholic and she is a melancholic phlegmatic. We are both 30 years old.

So anyway, I really feel like I want to pursue this as a relationship. I’ve already made up my mind that I am not going to go on to Catholic Match anymore. You have to realize when you have found a gem.

So my question is this…do I express these thoughts to her or should I just wait and take it easy? I don’t want to go too fast and then ruin a relationship. I am after all dating with the intention of finding a spouse.

I’d like ladies’ opinions especially.
 
So, three dates does not make a relationship.

Slow down, take it a day at a time. I would think you would want to see her for a month or two before considering it a “relationship”. If she continues to reciprocate when you call, email, and ask her out then she is clearly interested. If she sends no contradictory signals, that is good. In a month or two, school will be starting up again-- is she still taking classes? Will her availability and interest in “doing things” wane when she has less time on her hands? These are all things that need a wait and see attitude.

I would also slow down on the numerous long emails and phone calls-- it creates a false sense of intimacy. Get to know her slowly.

After a month or maybe two, if things are going well and she does’t suddenly drop interest when school resumes, nyou should ask her if she is feeling the same way-- is she ready to make it an exclusive dating relationship.
 
I had to look up “choleric melancholic” and “melancholic phlegmatic” to even figure out what that terminology is all about.

From what I gather, if you’re a self-described “choleric melancholic”, you seem to be saying (in very general terms and among other things, mind you) that you aren’t particularly easy to put up with, but with self-control you might find a “melancholic phlegmatic” in this world who would be happily willing to do so, if you don’t rush her.

True? At any rate, don’t rush her. In our society, a 30 year old woman is under more pressure than a 30 year old man to find someone to marry. Take the lead in showing interest in her, that is great, but don’t confront her with a classification of what you have together too soon. She has pressure on her already; you don’t need to add to it. Rather, for the time being, speak of the general topic of commitment in positive terms.
 
She will be out of the country (teaching) for October to December and the current degree she’s working on will be done in 2 years.

I didn’t classify myself as that temperment, Catholic Match did.

Thanks for the tip about the emails and calls and the like. I have been trying to restrain myself in this regard. I think the facility of modern communication makes it difficult to know how much to communicate. My parents lived at home when they were dating and they had ONE phone in which if they used it, the whole family heard what they were saying. They only used it to set up dates.
 
Tradycja said:
She will be out of the country (teaching) for October to December and the current degree she’s working on will be done in 2 years.

I didn’t classify myself as that temperment, Catholic Match did.

Thanks for the tip about the emails and calls and the like. I have been trying to restrain myself in this regard. I think the facility of modern communication makes it difficult to know how much to communicate. My parents lived at home when they were dating and they had ONE phone in which if they used it, the whole family heard what they were saying. They only used it to set up dates.
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If she is going to be out of the country for 3 months, I think you need to put the brakes on any ideas of a relationship. Sounds like she is pursuing some goals that don’t include marriage in the near term.

I do think it would be appropriate, if you are still dating in late September, to ask her exactly what she views as the long term potential of the relationship and how she sees her school and career goals fitting into a marriage and family.

She may be saying one thing on her profile, but her actions are telling a different story entirely. She is in the middle of a long term school/career commitment that includes extended time overseas. Doesn’t sound like she is wanting any serious relationship to me.
 
For my fiance and I it was 6. He wanted to ask about becoming official on date 5 but during the date I got a call from my doctor about some pretty scary lab results, so that really wasn’t the time. All of our dates were really long though, and we talked constantly over text and IM between them. We met on an online dating site. Our first date, which was just supposed to be drinks lasted until 5 am. After the bar closed we just sat on the curb talking all night. The second was longer. We met in the morning for coffee and sat and talked through dinner! All of our dates were like that.
 
Tradycja said:
She will be out of the country (teaching) for October to December and the current degree she’s working on will be done in 2 years.

I didn’t classify myself as that temperment, Catholic Match did.

Thanks for the tip about the emails and calls and the like. I have been trying to restrain myself in this regard. I think the facility of modern communication makes it difficult to know how much to communicate. My parents lived at home when they were dating and they had ONE phone in which if they used it, the whole family heard what they were saying. They only used it to set up dates.
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You know, if you’re straight-forward, it is a lot easier. Say up front, “I can get too chatty with the e-mail sometimes. I know it is easier to hit “send” than to face a mailbox full of 200 notes. You can tell me it is too much, if you’d rather have fewer.” She’s 30 years old, like you she went to a dating web site to make some social contacts with the opposite sex. Maybe she’s happy to see a note that isn’t from work.

You can also say, “I kind of make excuses to have conversations with you, because you’re just fun to talk to, but I do realize you do have a life and other friends. If my calls get to be too much, please say so. Or just let me know how much calling you think is about right.” After all, she’s not in a postion to tell you that you don’t call her enough to give her the impression that you’re interested.

The main thing is to let her know that you have no desire to overwhelm her, that she has permission to tell you to back off without fear of offending you. At least she’ll know you’re not a stalker. If she says “too much”, though, you have to make yourself a restrained level of communication and stick to that. No sulking, no asking for reasons, and no crossing a boundary that you asked for.

Alright, so spend time together as you are inclined now, wave goodbye in October, and see what happens while she’s gone.

I hit it off with my husband when we met, but then I had something like this set up over the summer. When he didn’t hear from me, he thought: “Oh, well.” Then out of the blue I called him when I got back. Turned out I’d forgotten to mail the note I’d written him before I left.
 
1ke said:
If she is going to be out of the country for 3 months, I think you need to put the brakes on any ideas of a relationship. Sounds like she is pursuing some goals that don’t include marriage in the near term.

I do think it would be appropriate, if you are still dating in late September, to ask her exactly what she views as the long term potential of the relationship and how she sees her school and career goals fitting into a marriage and family.

She may be saying one thing on her profile, but her actions are telling a different story entirely. She is in the middle of a long term school/career commitment that includes extended time overseas. Doesn’t sound like she is wanting any serious relationship to me.
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Life doesn’t stop just because you are single and seeking marriage. You don’t sit at home twiddling your thumbs waiting for Mr Right to show up. She is living her life as it is now, a single, taking opportunities as they come along.

If the OP doesn’t want to ask right away, although that is the best way to find out, then how do you gauge the emails and conversations. Take a milder approach to expressing how you feel if you are unsure, instead of saying “I think you are the one”, instead “I have really enjoyed getting to know you and would really love to see where this is going”.

Good luck.
 
trinichiqn said:
Life doesn’t stop just because you are single and seeking marriage. You don’t sit at home twiddling your thumbs waiting for Mr Right to show up. She is living her life as it is now, a single, taking opportunities as they come along.

If the OP doesn’t want to ask right away, although that is the best way to find out, then how do you gauge the emails and conversations. Take a milder approach to expressing how you feel if you are unsure, instead of saying “I think you are the one”, instead “I have really enjoyed getting to know you and would really love to see where this is going”.

Good luck.
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I am basing my observations on the fact that he wrote to her earlier in the year and she didn’t even resond at all. She was “busy with school”. Now that it is summer she all of a sudden has time for him. I merely speculate that when she goes back to school her interest may wane.

She is “living her life now” but does not seem too interested in a serious relationship. I was on Ave Maria while in graduate school, and I was serious about finding the right person. I responded, and made time to travel to other states to meet several people I corresponded wiht, all while holding down a full time job and going to grad school at night. The girl the OP writes about couldn’t even find the time to respond to his initial email. Now all of a sudden she is all lovey-dovey with free flowing emails and dates.

Color me suspicious.
 
I’m going to disagree with everyone here. Today’s society doesn’t actually have clear cut dating traditions anymore. Everyone tends to do their own thing. This is true even in Catholic circles, especially on Catholic sites. There are some who use the sites to just come up with a list of people to go on dates. On the forums, I remember some woman admitting she went on a date with a different guy from Catholic match almost every week. Sometimes she double scheduled. She was annoyed with men who wanted to correspond through email for awhile first.

Personally, I don’t find this safe and its bound to waste your money on a lot of bad dates. I do not think that frequent email correspondance lead to a false sense of intimacy. I think there are limits in what you can know about the person from the internet, but it can establish a lot of good things. Had I gone on a blind date with my husband, I would have never gone on another date with him. It didn’t go well. He socially fumbled everything because he was so nervious.

I actually was a bit torn about my initial reaction. Luckily my brother was there and could tell we were both nervous. He encouraged me to go on with it and I’m so blessed that I did. First impressions are so misleading.

In regards to where you are though, at some point it needs to be discussed. I would never assume to know where a relationship is. Unforunately many people are turned off by having discussions that involve defining the relationship. Why people want to live in a world of constant non-verbal miscommunication is a complete mystery to me.

Moreover, I think its important to acknowledge that until you’re married, you really are two friends with mutual interest. The question is whether you’re two individuals discerning marriage or whether one of you sees the purpose of dating as more recreational. I think once you know that you’re discerning marriage, its up to you to decide when you close the door to dates with others. Once my interest with my husband was peaked enough, I closed the door only because I didn’t want to mislead others. I had in the past been mislead by others who had been seriously interested in someone else while pursuing me. One even told me that he’d contact me again if his current womanly pursuit didn’t pan out.

The other thing that confuses me is people knowing they’re going to get engaged before they’re asked. Certainly you’re supposed to talk about marriage before you get engaged, but the idea that the girl even gets a choice in her rings seems presumptious and misses the point. It turns a man asking for a girl’s hand in marriage to be nothing but romantic fluff.
 
1ke said:
If she is going to be out of the country for 3 months, I think you need to put the brakes on any ideas of a relationship. Sounds like she is pursuing some goals that don’t include marriage in the near term.
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When I went on my first date with my husband, he was planning on studying abroad in Oxford for two semesters. I did consider not dating him at all because we’d only get the summer to date. A friend of mine pointed out that she dated a guy who went on to study abroad. They grew out of contact and there was no formal break up. She jokingly pointed out that maybe she should inform him that they broke up because she’s now married to someone else and has children.

I did find this a bit confusing because I do believe communication is essential, but the point is that if you’re thinking of “I’ll be with this person 3 months from now” you’re thinking with too much commitment. Its not a marriage. It is a period of discerning. The door to leave should always be wide open. Its just my opinion that leaving should be clear. It can mean that you resume dating when the person returns from overseas. My husband proposed to me a few days after he returned to the States.
 
1ke said:
I am basing my observations on the fact that he wrote to her earlier in the year and she didn’t even resond at all. She was “busy with school”. Now that it is summer she all of a sudden has time for him. I merely speculate that when she goes back to school her interest may wane.

She is “living her life now” but does not seem too interested in a serious relationship. I was on Ave Maria while in graduate school, and I was serious about finding the right person. I responded, and made time to travel to other states to meet several people I corresponded wiht, all while holding down a full time job and going to grad school at night. The girl the OP writes about couldn’t even find the time to respond to his initial email. Now all of a sudden she is all lovey-dovey with free flowing emails and dates.

Color me suspicious.
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She has every right to cut him off when school begins if she wishes. What he needs to figure out is if she’s just going on dates to have a good time or if she’s interested in discerning marriage. If she’s interested in discerning marriage, they need to discuss their comfort level of how a “break up” would occur. Some people prefer letting communication just naturally fad. Others will feel emotional led on and neglected unless a clear decision has been made.

My husband and I kept in contact while he was in Oxford. I wouldn’t say I learned anything valuable because the time difference made communication limited to an hour a week plus emails. At that stage, we needed real interaction. The fact is though, at that point he knew his decision was between marrying me or joining a religious order. Why it took him only 3 months of dating, I don’t know. He spent a lot of times hanging out at a monastary while in Oxford to reconsider it and to see how much he missed me. By the time he was returning back home, he knew he’d chosen to be with me. He does feel he proposed too soon, but he knew he couldn’t keep a secret so he decided to get the proposal done and over with. And indeed, he blew his cover a couple of hours before he proposed. He kept pressuring me to drive to a religious shrine in the middle of a snow storm. After much persisting, I jokenly said “Why is this so important to you? Are you planning to purpose or something.” His reaction made it obvious that indeed he was. He didn’t realize I was joking and then begged I at least pretend I didn’t know. For some odd reason he then told my mom that I knew.
 
Hubby and I were official after a month of dates.

We were both very serious about being in a relationship. We also met on a dating website but only exchanged a handful of e-mails before we met.

Once we met the e-mails stopped as we found phone calls and text messages sufficed.

Life got in the way a bit since I was starting a paramedic program that was going to be quite intense and he had an 8 month assignment for job training in the military on the other side of the country.

We talked about this and decided to stay serious and we ended up getting to know each other very well through phone calls.

Once he came home that was it…marriage was in the books and we both knew we were it for each other.
 
You’re in a relationship when you two mutually decide that you are.
 
twoangels said:
…I do believe communication is essential, but the point is that if you’re thinking of “I’ll be with this person 3 months from now” you’re thinking with too much commitment. Its not a marriage. It is a period of discerning. The door to leave should always be wide open. Its just my opinion that leaving should be clear. It can mean that you resume dating when the person returns from overseas. My husband proposed to me a few days after he returned to the States.
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Yes. The lady let on that she’ll be gone for awhile, but she is coming back. Lighten up and see what happens. If one of you meets someone else over “the break”, well, that happens. If the period passes, she comes back, and you want to keep going, well, that is fine, too.

There is a famous chapel in Santa Fe, Our Lady of Loretto, which has a “miraculous staircase.” The builder the sisters had for their chapel had taken off and they only had a ladder as a means to get to the choir loft. They prayed for a solution to this problem. A mysterious stranger, believed by the sisters to be an emisary of St. Joseph, showed up and built the staircase, then left. It took at least six months to build, and has two 360 degree turns with no visible means of support.

The miraculous staircase also originally had no handrails!! I was struck that this is so often how Providence provides: there is a way, even an extraordinarily beautiful way, but not a way that takes no courage to follow.

Save the labels for later, OP. Let Providence run things for awhile, and give up the desire for a stairway with handrails.
 
Thanks for all the advice everyone. I think EasterJoy gave the best advice. She is after all going for school/work reasons and I am starting a new job during that time as well, so I don’t think that will be so much of a problem. I will keep everyone else’s advice in mind as well and keep a healthy skepticism so I don’t get my hopes too far up.

I think I am taking a very Latin/scholastic approach to the whole thing…I want answers, lol. I need to take more of an Eastern approach—> “It’s a mystery”.
 
WetCatechumen said:
You’re in a relationship when you two mutually decide that you are.
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This. There are no rules about dating anymore. If you two have not had a conversation where one person says in essence, “I don’t want to date anyone else, just you,” and the other person agrees, then both of you are free to see other people. Gone are the days when a guy could just give the girl his letterman sweater, and the whole world knew they were “steady.”
 
Take it slow-especially since she is going overseas. If you both are meant to be together forever, then you will be doing yourselves a favor by becoming really good friends before it gets serious. If you aren’t meant to be together forever, then you are much less likely to get your heart broken by taking this slowly.
 
After how many dates are you “in a relationship”?
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6 to 11. Here is the scale:

0 dates - You are talking to CM Girl
1 date - You have gone out a date with CM Girl
2 - 3 dates - You are dating CM Girl
4 - 5 dates - You are seeing CM Girl
6 - 11 dates - You are in a relationship with CM Girl
12 - 38 dates - You are CM Girl’s boyfriend

Seriously, though, just play it by ear. There’s no hard and fast rule of how long before you are exclusive or in a relationship. If you feel like she really likes you, then have the DTR talk (define the relationship). But if you still sense some hesitancy on her part, then go a little bit slower, or otherwise you might scare her off. You can probably guess her feelings better than anybody else here.
 
scree said:
6 to 11. Here is the scale:

0 dates - You are talking to CM Girl
1 date - You have gone out a date with CM Girl
2 - 3 dates - You are dating CM Girl
4 - 5 dates - You are seeing CM Girl
6 - 11 dates - You are in a relationship with CM Girl
12 - 38 dates - You are CM Girl’s boyfriend

Seriously, though, just play it by ear. There’s no hard and fast rule of how long before you are exclusive or in a relationship. If you feel like she really likes you, then have the DTR talk (define the relationship). But if you still sense some hesitancy on her part, then go a little bit slower, or otherwise you might scare her off. You can probably guess her feelings better than anybody else here.
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No, there is a hard and fast rule to when you’re in a relationship. When BOTH parties agree that they are in an exclusive relationship with each other, they are.

Otherwise they’re not.
 
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