You can’t, nor can you point out specific signs. It’s always in the eye of the beholder, and it always involves subjective value judgements, which are always bound to be controversial.
It is also easy to be tempted to start using maturity as a label to stick on people whose opinions you disagree with or of whose actions you don’t approve.
Still, one thing to say in response to your specific questions: people are more mature in some aspects, less in some others. For example you can be very mature intellectually but at the same time a little immature emotionally; the opposite isn’t impossible, either.
People do mature unevenly, but you can point out specific signs that will warn you of the kind of immaturity that can doom a marriage from Day 1. It is spiritual maturity we are talking about, and some people never get there.
Many of the things correctly being cited here as a sign of immaturity are also signs of antisocial personality disorders. People grow out of immaturity (although sometimes too late to allow validity in their prematurely-attempted marriages), but people with personality disorders essentially never do. The greater problem is that they are masters at luring in and manipulating generous people, and can even guilt-trip generous people as being “judgmental” or rot like that for not accepting their manipulative tactics.
Yes, I mean that there is no prize a sociopath would like to snare more than a hard-working, sacrificing, big-hearted religious person who can be manipulated with guilt and false calls for virtue. There is nothing they want more than to be on the receiving side of one-sided giving and undeserved pity.
Watch out for:
Someone who uses flattery, charm, glibness, who is a master of drama and “making a picture”–not just frightful scenes, but also charming scenes and heart-tugging scenes
Someone who is concerned about image rather than being worthy of the image he or she cultivates
Someone who presumes that everyone “bends the truth”
Obviously, steer clear of someone who lies to you, but also notice whether the person lies to others. Do not flatter yourself. A liar chooses when to lie out of self-interest, not affection. If someone lies to others, he or she will eventually lie to you. Bank on that.
Someone who makes ploys for pity, especially someone who wrongs you and then winds up trying to make
you feel sorry for
her
Someone who does others good primarily as grand gestures, meant to be seen (including when they feel forced into making amends in order to not lose you)
Someone who makes big beautiful promises, but fails to keep them
Someone who has no qualms about taking advantage of the generosity of others
Someone who puts herself in competition with your other friendships or affections, especially if the person somehow manages to isolate you from your friends and relatives
Someone who blames someone else or become angry when caught in a lie, rather than coming clean and treating the person lied to as the only victim
Someone who moves fast and pressures you to commit quickly
Someone whose thoughts are suspiciously similar to yours–take your time, check and ask yourself whether they “think like” a lot of other people who haven’t turned their backs yet. A chameleon who is talented at conformity is not your soul mate.
Someone who does not delay gratification: does not do things for others without expecting thanks, does not do work today whose fruits will not be enjoyed for years, does not save money or make investments that will pay off down the line with interest
Given to jealousy, paranoia and getting back rather than being forgiving of the faults of others
You can see how all these faults are things that might plague a childish person. Well, they are also the bread and butter of a sociopath or psychopath’s life strategy.
You don’t have to decide if the person you are dealing with is psychologically dangerous or merely immature. All you have to know is that these are the marks of a person who is not ready for the trust of a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. There is nothing that should induce you to even consider marriage with someone who shows signs of these faults.
As for putting labels on other people or not approving of them–choosing a spouse is the one time when your opinion is the coin of the realm. If you don’t like someone enough to consider them as a spouse, that’s your choice. You owe no one any explanation or apology. It’s your heart, and you get to decide the one you will entrust it to. No one is entitled to impinge on that right, and no one worthy of consideration for marriage will want to do so.
