Age difference and Dating

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I’m looking for some Catholic perspectives on issues of differences in ages in dating. I am a 25 year old male (practicing Catholic) and have been praying earnestly for my future wife. My heart’s desire for the longest time has been to find and fall in love with a beautiful Catholic woman with the same/similar “vision” or dreams as I have in wanting to have and raise a Catholic family. A little over a year ago, I met a nice woman on a church retreat. Other than a few occasional “bump-ins” I have not seen or spoken much with her until God crossed our paths on another church retreat just recently. We were able to talk more and eventually tumbled upon the topic of what we were both looking for in future spouses and visions for our futures. It turns out that everything i’ve been looking and praying for is found in this woman. Our morals, beliefs, values, dreams, and desires match so well together that it almost seems too good to be true. And it probably is, I guess…since she is only 17. We are not dating but have talked a little about it. I am anticipating that it won’t happen since her parents told her that they think I am too old.

Being 25, I have a pretty good idea of what I’m looking for in a wife, where I am going in life, and that God has a plan for me (as He does for everyone). I am anticipating some responses regarding or questioning the maturity level of the girl and how it is probably common for “younger” aged girls to dream of marrying and raising a family and such. Though she might have yet to grow to full maturity, if her dreams of getting married to a man of my characteristics/values, and raising a good Catholic family never change, then is there any particular age/time in which it would be more “appropriate” or better to date each other? If two people match up so well, should age be the determining factor in preventing them from the chance of falling in love and realizing/living their dreams together? Do you think her parents would ever have a metanoia (change of heart) on the age issue? Any thoughts appreciated: ) Thank you and God Bless.
 
You said: A little over a year ago, I met a nice woman on a church retreat. Then you say that she is 17 now.
That means that she was 15 or 16 when you first met her, right?

She wasn’t considered a woman then and she still isn’t, she is considered a teenager, no matter how womanly she talks, looks, acts or seems to be.

If she were my daughter, I wouldn’t want you anywhere near her either. At least have the decency to wait to speak with her until she is considered an adult. If you can’t respect her parents wishes then how are you ever going to be able to respect her?

However well intentioned and sincere you might be, they may see you as someone who is preying on her instead of someone who is praying for her.
 
I agree with allhers. She is just a child really. In England that would be legal but still frowned upon. I also think when you find that person ‘the one’ you just know and would have no doubts or question it on here (I found the one and just knew) I suggest you either continue a friendship with her or just forget about her completely…
God bless
 
I’m going to be the odd voice out on this and say that I actually think this is fine. I was 16 and dated–at my parents’ request!–a 23-year-old. My younger sister dated a 21-year-old when she was 17. They continued to date until she was 20, and then they married. My baby sister was 14 when her now-husband (then 19) wanted to date her. My parents did not allow dating at 14, but they let him come over to the house and spend time with her in a family setting. When she was 19, they married. I ended up breaking up with the 23-year-old. (My parents liked him more than I did.) But it was not his age that was the problem.

However, the fact that her parents dislike the idea IS a problem. That is certainly something you do not want to go against. Wait until the girl is 18, and then see what they say.
 
Move along and keep searching for a mate closer to your own age and maturity. If in 6-7 years this young woman is still available, interested in dating you and has the same views as she does now, you can seriously consider pursuing her then. Now the differences in your ages as well as maturity, life experience, education and judgment is setting one or both of you up for challenges in the future.
 
Well, I’ll tell you this (this may cause a few, or many, jaws to drop): I am 22 years old and engaged to be married to a man who is 21 years older than me. :eek:

That being said it is my advice you to trust in the Lord that if this young woman is the right woman for you and you for her then waiting for her to grow into a full maturity won’t threaten anything regarding how meant-to-be you are for each other.

Also, in my own opinion, if you truly believe she is the right one for you… now this is completely just the way I feel about it… then don’t pursue relationships with other people while waiting for her to “come of age”. In my mind that would contradict the trust in God which would be expressed in waiting for her… because technically it wouldn’t be waiting for her if you pursue those other relationships.
 
Angelstar, I am also 22 and engaged to a man a lot older than me…16 years. though in my pervious post I said the girl in question in just a child. I think when you are past 18 you can make your own decisions, and although there is not a lot of difference between 17 and 18 but in the eyes of the law (and most parents)it means everything
 
Hi rocco;

Too young, I’m afraid…at least right now. My husband and I are ten years apart, he ten years older than me. However, I wasn’t 17 when we met. :o My son is 16, so only one year away…yikes. Yes, girls mature faster than boys, but 17 is a 'teen’ager. While the age difference isn’t staggering, a 25 yr old has been through college, has a job, is at a different place in life, than a 17 yr old girl. She needs to grow, learn who she is as a person, and develop into a woman, before she can take on dating a ‘man.’ Just my two cents. You don’t have to avoid her, but I wouldn’t pursue her, as a romantic interest…

And whatever you do, don’t come between her and her parents. If someone still needs permission from his/her parents to date someone…he/she is too young. 😃 Good luck to you!
 
Angelstar, this is one jaw that didn’t drop. I married a man 20 years younger (got banned from this forum, sadly, though was always quite charitable and intelligent - we aren’t Catholic, so well…) and we are just happy as pie! Go for it, cougars!
 
It’s not the age difference, it’s her age. If you came around my 17 year old daughter, I know what reception you’d receive. It does not matter if your intentions are nothing but Godly and wholesome, right now she is a child maturing into an adult. She has many hurdles to jump over that you have already crossed. It is inappropriate for you to be around her with romantic intentions at this point.

In five years, when she is 22, perhaps things will be different.

17 is off limits.
 
Don’t rob the cradle, man. Wait till she’s at least 18.
 
If her parents do not want you to pursue her romantically, then hold off. Nothing wrong with “staying in touch”, but as a friend only.

If it’s really meant to be, then it will all work out.
 
17 is too young. She isn’t ready to be anyone’s wife or even THINK about being anyone’s wife. Do you think at 17 you were ready to be someone’s husband?

Walk away. By hanging around her waiting for her to grow up, you’ll only confuse her and keep her from focusing on the things that are age appropriate for her… going to prom? Graduation? College?

When she’s 21… and you’re 29… sure - then you can think about dating.
 
To be honest … if you are 25 and considering a young girl 17 as “woman”…I think … based on what you said …you seem to know the quality you are looking for in a woman …but you are looking for these qualities in the wrong “woman”. She is just a teenager.
 
GhostMan, Yellowbird and the others have got this right. Seventeen is very young and the world seems to be getting a little more complex with each passing year. Keep your eyes open for the ladies in their mid twenties, you will probably have a lot in common with them.👍

Whatevergirl, “Yes, girls mature faster than boys,” Really WG,:eek: such generalizations, dear… Indeed.😛
 
My DH is 10 years old than me… and we started dating when I was 19.
I met him several years before that (I was probably 16), but we were merely acquaintances and had no “dating interests” until I was in college.

Don’t be cause for scandal, but don’t close doors simply because of age.

I encourage you to pray for your future wife (if you believe God is calling you to marriage), *whomever *she may be. Leave your life open to God’s will. If this girl is His will, He will guide you together.
 
Em_in_FL said:
My DH is 10 years old than me… and we started dating when I was 19.
I met him several years before that (I was probably 16), but we were merely acquaintances and had no “dating interests” until I was in college.

Don’t be cause for scandal, but don’t close doors simply because of age.

I encourage you to pray for your future wife (if you believe God is calling you to marriage), *whomever *she may be. Leave your life open to God’s will. If this girl is His will, He will guide you together.
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great post 👍

I too agree that 8 years age difference isn’t a big deal, but she’s just a kid and you should wait until she’s at least 19 or 20.

God will work His magic if it’s meant to be! Admire her from a distance for now and date other women in the process.
 
I don’t believe it’s fine to date around “just like that” unless it stays on the friendship level, which means it’s merely having a coffee or going to a dance but not romantic declarations, kissing or such stuff. All the worse if one is invested emotionally in a third person.

As regards the age, women were younger than that when they married not so long ago. Not like I would even thinking about marrying a 17 year old of the current generation in a normal situation, but it’s not paedophilia. Fact stands, however, the difference in maturity is huge. Also, before she reaches your current age, she may change a lot. Can’t give you much advice except I’m not so far either way as some of the other posters are.
 
Em_in_FL said:
My DH is 10 years old than me… and we started dating when I was 19.
I met him several years before that (I was probably 16), but we were merely acquaintances and had no “dating interests” until I was in college.

Don’t be cause for scandal, but don’t close doors simply because of age.

I encourage you to pray for your future wife (if you believe God is calling you to marriage), *whomever *she may be. Leave your life open to God’s will. If this girl is His will, He will guide you together.
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Emphasis added, because I agree wholeheartedly.

Without knowing the particulars of this young lady’s situation, I’m inclined to give the benefit of the doubt. The very best thing you can do the foster what could be (maybe) a future relationship is to get to know her and her family. If her family attends the same parish you do, then I’m sure you’re well on your way already. If not, then things are likely to get complicated anyhow. Above all, don’t lose your composure and don’t get weird on her or her family. Be the upstanding Catholic man that I’m sure you are and give all the respect they are due. Who knows; perhaps your sincere and honorable overtures will reward you with the blessing of her family sooner rather than later.

In the grand scheme of things, a six year differential isn’t really that much. Suppose you two are married and are together fifty or sixty years down the line: how much difference would six years be then? Proportionate to age however, issues of relative maturity here and now certainly have merit and aught to be considered and resolved if possible. The most straightforward way to resolve this is, obviously, to wait. Or you can test it with prayer and honorable accord. However, it is my experience (speaking in general terms) that waiting for things to change by themselves is far more likely to bring disappointment and missed opportunities than a beneficial resolution. Keeping all these things in mind, I suppose part from the consensus and say go for it! 🙂

Get in an attitude of prayer, stick with it, and see what God has to say about the situation. If your intentions are pure, then God will show you how to overcome these roadblocks. If your intentions are to get married to a young girl RIGHT NOW for its own sake, rather than the edification of God and his Sacraments, then He will let you know that too.
 
Scarlet2009 said:
Angelstar, I am also 22 and engaged to a man a lot older than me…16 years. though in my pervious post I said the girl in question in just a child. I think when you are past 18 you can make your own decisions, and although there is not a lot of difference between 17 and 18 but in the eyes of the law (and most parents)it means everything
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I think you may have misread my post. I was saying to wait until she came of age, whether that age is 18, 21, or 25… I’m not to say. I was also saying to trust in the Lord. If they are meant to be together then that won’t change a year from now or even 10 years from now. AND, I was also saying, per my personal opinion, not to search after other relationships (if she is truly “the one”) because that wouldn’t be truly waiting for her.

Reason for that being my personal opinion is because I never dated… I waited for the man who I knew was meant for me. I felt that if I dated, even though I knew there was someone out there meant for me, then that would be like cheating. I have hard feelings toward my fiance because he was with two women before me (I should consider myself lucky, I guess, being that he is 21 years older than me, it could have been a lot more)
 
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