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Nap66
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My ex went to professional counseling many times to no avail. It’s spiritual counseling that is needed. Seriously. Sometimes secular counseling and pills can’t solve problems that eminate from spiritual needs.
Agnostic boyfriend with so many questions but refusal to ask them
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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But was your ex raised feral like the poster described?Xanthippe_Voorhees:
My ex went to professional counseling many times to no avail. It’s spiritual counseling that is needed. Seriously. Sometimes secular counseling and pills can’t solve problems that eminate from spiritual needs.
There is much to be said for his immaturity that may be a direct result of being abandoned by a father and ignored by his mother, especially if he is the eldest or the baby.
Remedying what parental guidance he missed as a child could help him work through many of his views of maturity and marriage. It would at least give him a chance to have a more adult conversation with the OP rather than resorting to words like “stupid”.
Chances are, during this time and with the right professional he will mature and discover the benefits of the saftey of a well-formed faith.
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Nap66
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So very true. With age comes wisdom.
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KatieAnn86
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I have already explained to him that I will not get married outside of the church and that my children will be baptized and raised Catholic. He has no issues with that. His only issue is the classes. He feels that if two people love each other they shouldn’t have to prove it to someone to get permission. Strange thing is, when we were told by a friend of ours that the classes are with strangers from another parish was when he started to have the issue. He was okay with the thought of talking to the priest before and having classes with him. I don’t really understand the difference of who we talk to.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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I actually don’t blame him on this one.
His issues are FAR more serious than the “average joe”
He and you should have copious amounts of 1:1 time with a priest skilled in marriage prep (not all are). Perhaps even driving to one who has a counseling background.
He knows nothing about marriage–except, likely, what he’s gleaned from TV. He has no idea how to be a man because it was not modeled for him. He has no idea what is and isn’t right to expect of a wife because, again, it was not modeled for him.
He really NEEDS some 1:1 time with someone well versed in helping undersanding what is to be expected. Then he can have some 2:1 time with you and discussing these things. Only after that is he going to feel remotely “safe” enough to discuss these sorts of things among peers.
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KatieAnn86
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He is the eldest, his mother told him constant lies about his father keeping the children from him. He finally reunited with his father when he turned 18, but the void of father and son bond is still very much obvious. His mother now ignores him because he talks with his father. So he feels abandoned all around. I agree that he needs to talk to someone with more degrees than me about these issues. I think his main problem is coming off as weak. He wants to appear like nothing bothers him and his past never happened.
Since this is the conclusion we are coming to, how would I go about tryin to find him the help he needs?
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Nap66
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That is good. Prayer is always good. Just remember that when you pray to God to soften someone’s heart to him that it could take a VERY long time. I’ve been praying for my ex forever, and it seems like his heart is more hardened to God than before. At this point I have no desire to ever save the marriage, it just breaks my heart that he is purposefully against God, and as a result his life is currently in a miserable state.
Kind of like you, I see if he just came to God once, ONCE, he might find the strength to solve some of his problems. But at this point God waits for him. It may be a very long wait. Do you have the strength to wait with God for your boyfriend? It’s very hard.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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I think simply being kind and loving.
Ensuring that you don’t ever imply that he is weak for wanting to seek help.
Right now, he has every reason to distrust both males and females.
Does he have a trusted friend or relative? Does he have any adults in his life who he seeks guidance from?
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KatieAnn86
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I would like to believe that I do, but I do know that at some point I want to get married and have children, and even if I want it to be with him someday, he may never be fully ready. I just pray that if it comes to that, the Lord will give me the strength to walk away. I cannot wait forever.
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KatieAnn86
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He has a few elderly men that he thinks the world of and one best friend who has gone through a divorce ( and I had told him that anything he tells him about marriage may be swayed because of his divorce). The elderly men are active Christians but I don’t think they bring religion up to him.
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Nap66
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Odd. He sounds like my ex. He doesn’t want to sound stupid in front of strangers. Maybe you can get one-on-one classes with a priest only (probably not but you can ask). The thing is, he sounds like (in my third-party opinion, I do not know him obviously) that he will only do certain things and that’s it. Some day he will say “I did the stupid classes and now you want me to attend the baptism, communion, confirmation, etc.” It will be a continual problem in a Catholic marriage because our faith is so ingrained in our daily life tasks. We can’t separate our faith from our life.
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KatieAnn86
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He has already attended two baptisms and a wedding. He never complained about them and had a few questions afterwards. He didn’t say much after I answered them the best I could.
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MT1926
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I would recommend you pick up the book Why We’re Catholic by Trent Horn. It’s an easy read. You read it first, if it leaves you with any questions send me an email and I will be happy to help explain further. After you understand what you read give it to him. If you are ready for marriage then you should have no problem asking him to read it and he should have no problem sacrificing 15 minutes a day to read this for you.
To be blunt, if he isn’t open to spending 15 minutes reading this and communicating on it now, you are going to have many more faith based communication problems when you have kids.
To be blunt is the hoop to high to make it worth it. My wife an I dated for 4 years before we got married. Long distance relationship. No cell phones communicated by snail mail 3 letters a week. I would have jumped through a 6 inch hoop that was on fire with a bed of nails on the other side just to be with her.
No but you should have to prove to each other. I loved our marriage class. Not sure if they still do it but we attended a marriage prep retreat. It was awesome. Lot’s of classes to attend. Speakers giving great insight on how to communicate better. Lot’s of dialogue on paper. Writing is such a better way to communicate. You can put it all down and make sure you didn’t miss anything. Lot’s of free time as well. Plenty of other couples there as well to discuss how you met what’s your plans, etc…
If you can find a retreat you don’t know what you are missing
He means for us.
That’s part of marriage. Once you say I do that’s the last time you get to say “I”. From now on it is we.
Get the book
God Bless
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KatieAnn86
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I have already ordered it! Thank you for the offer to answer and questions I have about it. I had already had this plan whenever I heard about it on EWTN. Thank you!
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Vonsalza
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Nothing. His faith has to be real to him like yours is real to you. Living as a witness of it is about all you’ve got.
As gently as I can, you’re probably wasting your time with him. If you and your b/f are far apart on core values, then it’s a bad relationship. And I don’t care what those core values are - religion, politics, the best NFL team, - doesn’t matter. If you two chafe on core things, let him go and find another.
I promise you - you BOTH will be happier in the long run.
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Spyridon
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Doesn’t sound like an agnostic to me.
A more technical and accurate term for him may be “apatheist”:
An apatheist is also someone who is not interested in accepting or denying any claims that gods exist or do not exist. In other words, an apatheist is someone who considers the question of the existence of gods as neither meaningful nor relevant to his or her life.
Many Buddhists are actually apatheists.
A more technical and accurate term for him may be “apatheist”:
An apatheist is also someone who is not interested in accepting or denying any claims that gods exist or do not exist. In other words, an apatheist is someone who considers the question of the existence of gods as neither meaningful nor relevant to his or her life.
Many Buddhists are actually apatheists.
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TheLittleLady
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There is a little book that is perfect for the two of you to read together. It is written by Peter Kreeft “Jesus Shock”. You can pick it up used on Amazon for a couple of bucks.
Edit to add: There is a really cool website called Formed.org - many parishes offer it for free to their parishioners, or you can buy a membership just like NetFlix for about $9 per month.
That way you can watch videos together, he can watch them alone, they have an AMAZING program about marriage on there (as well as so many more things to watch or read or listen to). The marriage videos alone are worth the $9!! Also, they are current and well made.
Edit to add: There is a really cool website called Formed.org - many parishes offer it for free to their parishioners, or you can buy a membership just like NetFlix for about $9 per month.
That way you can watch videos together, he can watch them alone, they have an AMAZING program about marriage on there (as well as so many more things to watch or read or listen to). The marriage videos alone are worth the $9!! Also, they are current and well made.
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KatieAnn86
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Thank you! I haven’t heard of either of these, I will look into them. It couldn’t possibly hurt to try. And in the end, if he doesn’t seem interested at least I can say that tried my hardest.
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KathleenT
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Mere Christianity by CS Lewis is a great read. Would he be willing to go talk to a priest or a seminarian on his own? It will give him a chance to ask his questions without having to look “stupid” in front of you. Or maybe the Knights of Columbus.
As for the classes…I am going to let you on a secret. Most of us hated the idea of them. It does feel like hoop jumping. The truth is, for a lot of couples it is hoop jumping. But almost everyone gets at least something out of it, even if it is a few good stories.
My husband and I came away even more convinced we should marry. That confidence has been nice to have during some of the more difficult times. We liked the section on love languages, that was fun. The sessions did lay some groundwork for us. Because we had a two minute discussion about some topic during marriage prep it made it easier and less ackward to bring that topic up five years later when it was important.
But even now we groan and roll our eyes when it comes up. We aren’t the only ones. So it is just fine not to be in love with the idea.
He says he is willing to go and that’s huge. And he is not feral. Difficult home lifes are not am impediment to marriage.
As for the classes…I am going to let you on a secret. Most of us hated the idea of them. It does feel like hoop jumping. The truth is, for a lot of couples it is hoop jumping. But almost everyone gets at least something out of it, even if it is a few good stories.
My husband and I came away even more convinced we should marry. That confidence has been nice to have during some of the more difficult times. We liked the section on love languages, that was fun. The sessions did lay some groundwork for us. Because we had a two minute discussion about some topic during marriage prep it made it easier and less ackward to bring that topic up five years later when it was important.
But even now we groan and roll our eyes when it comes up. We aren’t the only ones. So it is just fine not to be in love with the idea.
He says he is willing to go and that’s huge. And he is not feral. Difficult home lifes are not am impediment to marriage.
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KatieAnn86
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I argee with you. If he really wasn’t interested he would have straight up told me no. He isn’t feral, he did have a hard childhood and had to basically learn all he knows on his own. I believe he just needs the right nudge to open his eyes and be able to ask questions about God without feeling like he is unworthy of knowing. You bring up a good point about having him talk to a priest alone without me. My priest here isn’t the best at explaining things either though. Im sure I can find someone. Thank you!
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