Akward adoption situation

[agnes_therese]

I’m sorry you think that being stricter with you qualifies as abuse. You should talk to your priest or a counselor about your feelings.

I put in my post that adopted children were treated better and my parents were stricker than me. I do not feel the need to go into more detail on the internet. If you still don’t see how I got the shorter end of the stick there is not much more I am willing to do to prove it.

CM

 

[msumissa]

With all due respect, you have proven the whole point of my resentment. There is tonnes of sympathy out there for the children that were adopted. So much that society keeps pushing to make it easier for people to find their birth parents. All you cared to do was mention how hard it was for you to be adopted. I NEVER negated the pain an adopted child goes through. I simply asked for equal consideration to go to the biological child who was the only one who wasn’t adopted. You made it crystal clear I don’t deserve any sympathy which proves my whole original point

CM

I honestly don’t need sympathy for being adopted, quite the opposite, I was blessed by God through my adoption and I sing the praises of adoption everywhere. I know my experience may not be the norm however. But never once have I ever felt ‘lucky’ to have some second family just waiting in the wings for me. It has never even crossed my mind to look for them. I have a wonderful family.

Your feelings are your feelings, but you have an amount of resentment that I would not want to live with in my heart. Again, I suggest you find a therapist to get rid of the resentment and anger.

You sound like a petulant child crying, ‘it’s not fair’ because they have 2 families and I only have one. This is a fantasy that a lot of adoptee’s have to work through… that the family that gave them up is some how the Rockafellers or some rich fantastic family that is just waiting for the day their baby rejoins the family. You need to realize that is a fantasy that YOU are projecting on to their situation. It just doesn’t exist and you seem to place too much importance on it.

Sure, therapy back when you were little with the family may have helped everyone to get to understand everyone’s position and feelings in the family. But that is in the past now and you need to get help to deal with the little boy inside you that still harbors those feelings.

I wish you peace.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m sorry you think that being stricter with you qualifies as abuse. You should talk to your priest or a counselor about your feelings.

The OP is not saying that simply being a very strict parent is abusive, while being a less strict parent is not. It is not the strictness, but blatant favoritism that causes pain in the children. It should be noted that it causes pain in all the children, and this is true even when all the children are biological and the parents are using a different excuse than adoption status as a pretext for unequal treatment.

I had a good friend growing up that was adopted, and she was very thankful that there was no difference in her parents’ treatment of their children. Her parents’ children were their children, period, and there was no class difference created when God blessed them with one by one means and blessed them with the others by other means. In this way, the adoptive children felt they truly were full members of the family. In the OP’s case, though, the parents probably made *both *the adoptive children and the biological child feel like outsiders, because of the difference in how they were raised.

It is not just that the grass is always greener. Children inherently have a deep sense of justice and fairness. If they are given preferential treatment that they don’t deserve, they feel guilty. If they are treated an easier manner and made to believe that they deserve it, they feel that they have been judged to not have been worthy of the higher standard. If their siblings receive anything prized that they don’t get, including easier treatment, they can feel unloved or abused. If they are a child who is in their “class” alone, they feel marginalized, as the OP does. The only way that it could be worse is if the children come away with the sense that they merit the difference in treatment because they are inherently superior or inferior to their siblings. That is a terrible thing to do to a child.

I’m sure the OP’s parents meant well, and I don’t mean to be hard on them. Bless their hearts for welcoming children! We as parents do the best we can, and we all make mistakes. No one leaves childhood without some wounds. I just wanted to point out that the OP was not simply complaining that her parents were strict, but complaining because she feels that they singled her out for the harsher treatment. Now, that may be her sense of things–we have all heard the cliche “Mom always did like you best” complaint–but when it comes to our hurts, our sense of things is all there is.

 

[SamH]

The OP is not saying that simply being a very strict parent is abusive, while being a less strict parent is not. It is not the strictness, but blatant favoritism that causes pain in the children. It should be noted that it causes pain in all the children, and this is true even when all the children are biological and the parents are using a different excuse than adoption status as a pretext for unequal treatment.
.

Almost everyone feels that way - and the larger the family the more it feels that way. My oldest sister was forced to be a “second mom” in a family of 12. My oldest brother was forced to work like man when he was only 12 to help my father keep the farm. My father died when I was 17 and I took a full time job to put food the table while attending highschool. My youngest brother grew up without a father and missed out on all that entails. Everyone’s got a reason to cry about their childhood, but that’s why we all grow up.

Get down off your cross and use the wood from it to build a bridge to get over it.

 

[Sasha]

I am a biological child. My siblings were all adopted as well as a lot of cousins on my dad’s side of the family. There was this one uncle we use to see all the time and his kids were all adopted. I always felt adopted kids had the life because they were treated so much better than me and my parents were always stricter on me to ensure no one would accuse them of favoring the ‘real’ one.

Obviously I don’t know you or your family so I can’t say that you are wrong on why you think you were not favoured as your siblings were, but at least consider the possibility that it had nothing to do with biological status. I am also the youngest and my parents were much stricter with me than with my older sibling. I have also been the one they have always turned to when they needed something and he’s always been the one to get more. I had to come to terms with that. I’m only telling you that to let you know that I can sympathize with you, but there was no biological difference in siblings. Like I say, I’m not saying you’re wrong, but consider the possibility.

For the rest of it, other posters were right. Regardless of why you were treated differently, the fact is that you were and it hurt. But nothing can change that now. This is a very hard thing to do, but you need to try to find a way to let it go. I’m not the best at this myself at all times so I know it’s not easy. However, I would recommend some counselling to try to sort through your feelings and pray! I eventually came to the conclusion that what happened to me as a child was not done maliciously. This helped tremendously in my ability to forgive those people who hurt me, even though I doubt they understand to this day that they hurt me.

One of the best things that ever happened to me was: one day, when reciting the Lord’s Prayer at Mass, when I said the line “and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us”, I really, really got it! I can’t put it so well into words, but one aspect of it is, I’m always asking God to forgive me for my failings (including ones I might not be aware of). How can I expect forgiveness if I’m unwilling to give it myself?

God Bless

 

[Sierrah]

I put in my post that adopted children were treated better and my parents were stricker than me. I do not feel the need to go into more detail on the internet. If you still don’t see how I got the shorter end of the stick there is not much more I am willing to do to prove it.

CM

OP. As someone who wasn’t adopted but was the oldest I can tell you this parents treat all children differently. Each child is a different individual and sometimes has to be diciplined differently. I was raised very different then my siblings none of whom are adopted. A lot it had to do with what was going on at the time and the personalities of my two younger siblings who inherited the family tendency to be stuborn and very willful and who basically wore down my parents resolve. Of course I was no angel myself being very active and having hyperactivity problems I as raised very strictly while my siblings pretty much got away with a lot. They even got away with talking back to my parents and skipping school when they wanted. The only time my mom ever hit me when when I talked back to her and she slapped me for it…but I tell you I never did it again. Could any of this apply to your cercumstances. Did your parents maybe start out easier and end up more strict with you?

 

[silentstar]

It is hard when parents treat one child differently/less well than others. And I don’t think we know that there was not abuse, only that the OP is not going into detail. At any rate my cousin is adopted and other posters are right, those reunions often do not go well. In fact it is my understanding that it’s rare for a reunion to go well from the point of view of both the adult adopted child and his or her bio-family. Usually one “side” wants more contact than the other and sometimes they are both disappointed in each other. After a few visits my cousin decided she would not see her bio-family again.

However, the OP seems to imply that there is a disadvantage in not having a bio-family to look for. It is possible to form families as adults that go beyond spouse, kids, etc, such as friends who are as close as family; people through church, etc. There does not have to be a biological bond between people for them to consider themselves family. But the issue of unfavorable treatment in the family of origin can be a serious one and therapy can help, sometimes b/c it provides the attention that the child didn’t get.

edited to add: you mention this is coming up b/c your cousin’s brother called you and he and his wife cried on your shoulder when you would not give them your cousin’s information. I don’t view that as an adoption issue per se but an issue of having poor boundaries (not having good limits on what to expect from strangers). In this case the issue concerns adoption, but these people could all be your bio-relatives crying on your shoulder for something you can’t give them, like money you don’t have.

I’m not trying to negate your pain but say that you are under no obligation to deal with people who ask too much of you. You are entitled to say I’m sorry I can’t help, repeat it and hang up the phone. It sounds like they are trying emotional blackmail and you should not have to explain your position…if they are telling you that you don’t “really understand” adoption or whatever, that is manipulation. You don’t have to do anything more than what you did, which is pass the information on and respect your cousin’s wishes.

by the way, that is why my cousin will not see her bio-family. She believes they have very poor boundaries that include emotional and possibly even sexual inappropriateness.

You deserve attention from people who will keep your needs in mind most importantly when they are dealing with you.

 

[cmscms]

Have you tried to address your pain over this situation with a counselor? Nothing can be done to undo the past. All you can work with is the now and the future.

I am also an adoptee but wasn’t told, so all my childhood I thought my sister and I were biologically related and related to my parents. My sister developed cancer when I was 11 and died when I was 13. My mom became mentally ill and remained so all my teen years. I found out I was adopted by accident while looking for my birth certificate when I was 18 and and was a few weeks away from getting married.

To say my mom handled my discovery poorly is an understatement. It was discovered when I was 7 months old that I had a severe heart condition. The day I discovered I was adopted she said I should be grateful because a lot of people told her when my parents found out I was sick she should have given me back. Nice huh? Gee thanks for taking pity on the poor, pitiful, sickly orphan. My mom was feeling threatened and probably afraid of rejection.

My point is your childhood can not be changed. The fact that you have adopted siblings can not be changed. The fact that they have other biological relations can not be changed. The only thing we have control of in our lives is how we deal with life and the things the things that happen that are not in our control. I had some pretty horrendous teenage years -and it took time to work through it. I still love my parents -even though they are imperfect, don’t always get it right and my mom, even though she is better, still has mental break downs.

So first I would suggest asking God to help you forgive your parents failings, and to help dissolve the bitterness and jealousy you feel toward your adopted siblings. Then I would suggest seeking a counselor to help you work through it all. Your feelings, your pain is real -but to keep holding on to it -only harms you further and keeps you from freely living a life that you do have control over.

God bless, you are in my prayers.

I am so sorry you had to go through all that. Thank you for sharing

 

[cmscms]

Or maybe right now, you’re not at the stage of wanting someone to tell you what to do, and you really just need a sympathetic ear. In that case, (((HUGS))).

Yes, that is exactly where I am right now. Thank you for your sympathy

 

[cmscms]

think

away the pain, * will* away the pain, or* reason* away the pain. It needs supernatural healing graces.

I am in totally agreement with that. And that is another big part of the frustration. I HAVE been praying to God for YEARS to heal me form the pain. And honestly, it is getting better at a snails pace if at all. And the worse part is, I am always asking Him what He wants me to do and I don’t hear His voice at all. I genuinly don’t feel Him move me to certain actions

 

[cmscms]

The OP is not saying that simply being a very strict parent is abusive, while being a less strict parent is not. It is not the strictness, but blatant favoritism that causes pain in the children. .

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks EasterJoy.

I also want to note that I realize I am not going into detail of what happened so I don’t expect anyone totally understand. I am simply asking for people to trust at face value that it was not easy being the only biological one. If anyone just plainly doesn’t want to trust me, I can respect that. I just don’t know why they would even reply to my post

CM