(akward) newly wed question

[ljvt]

Hi there,

My husband and I got married last October on our 4th anniversary of being together. We love each other completely and are the best of friends. I know we have been truly blessed.

We had made the decision not to have sex until after we were married and we kept our promise, although it was extremely hard at times. While our honeymoon was fantastic and it was wonderful to open up this new part of our lives, since coming home I went back to work in a very stressful job and got quite depressed. I think this rubbed off on my husband also.

Since coming home we struggle to find the desire to make love. I have changed jobs now and am starting to feel much better. After being together so long as just “intimate friends” we can be happy and feel mostly complete together. But both of us would dearly like to have more desire to make love.

The desire was certainly there in the first few years of our relationship together, at that time it was almost impossible to keep our hands of each other.

I would say the low-sex drive is pretty even for both of us. However he is very attractive to me and kind.

Has anyone had any experience like this? Particularly newly weds? I would dearly love to have an overwhelming desire to be with husband and he with me - so any ideas are welcome.

Thank you

 

[Rascalking]

I’m an unmarried man-so take this with a grain of salt.

I have a very, very low sex drive-just born with it. I enjoy looking at attractive females, but it’s never been something I’ve been obsessed with.

Having said that, I admit I am NOT in the majority of men.Most men, in particular young men, have a very strong sex drive. It is very odd for a man not to want to make love with his wife often.

If your man depressed or does he have a health problem you may not be aware of?

Remember-never, ever take this personally. It’s just a roadblock.

 

[Barry44]

Hi there,

My husband and I got married last October on our 4th anniversary of being together. We love each other completely and are the best of friends. I know we have been truly blessed.

We had made the decision not to have sex until after we were married and we kept our promise, although it was extremely hard at times. While our honeymoon was fantastic and it was wonderful to open up this new part of our lives, since coming home I went back to work in a very stressful job and got quite depressed. I think this rubbed off on my husband also.

Since coming home we struggle to find the desire to make love. I have changed jobs now and am starting to feel much better. After being together so long as just “intimate friends” we can be happy and feel mostly complete together. But both of us would dearly like to have more desire to make love.

The desire was certainly there in the first few years of our relationship together, at that time it was almost impossible to keep our hands of each other.

I would say the low-sex drive is pretty even for both of us. However he is very attractive to me and kind.

Has anyone had any experience like this? Particularly newly weds? I would dearly love to have an overwhelming desire to be with husband and he with me - so any ideas are welcome.

Thank you

Sounds great to me,!
We have been married for 52 years, have three beautiful grown daughters, and have never used any birth control. We cherish each others bodies,and now in our old age enjoy no sex at all…
Things may be different now, discuss it with your priest, but oral sex was very useful for us.
As you read the Bible more, you will find that our body is a gift from God and is truly the temple of the Holy Spirit… We do take on the body of Christ through the Sacraments.Your wife is another Christ too, take a good look, she is.

 

[kage_ar]

Things may be different now, discuss it with your priest, but oral sex was very useful for us.

Of course, this may ONLY be used as foreplay, not substituted for intercourse and not to completion for the husband.

Sexual desire ebbs and flows (contrary to what TV and magazines would have you believe). It is normal for desire to come and go. Stay close to each other, stay close to Jesus - pray together, that is the most intimate thing you can do!

Pick up some of West’s books “Good News About Sex and Marriage” and Popcak’s “Holy Sex!”.

Remember to keep having fun and to dance!

 

[John21652]

Sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. It’s pretty bloody good though! However, once a tribe of kids comes along and work makes you dog tired and/or you get older, sex is the last thing on your mind, a good relationship needs a whole lot more. Sounds to me like you got it already. Just go with the flow…

 

[Onedayatatime]

I might suggest posting your question on a Christian forum that focuses on sexuality in Christian Marriages.

boards.themarriagebed.com/index.php

You will find a supportive group that will give you lots of ideas and support to help you “bring some mojo” back into your young marriage. God Bless You both.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Here are my very specific suggestions!

I would say – don’t wait til just before bed to start the engines running!

Slip a sexy note into hubby’s briefcase for him to find at work, give him a long lingering kiss as he leaves for the day. Send him a text message at work, etc. Let him know well ahead of time that you will “be in the mood” later!

Wear pretty pajamas. Not necessarily sexy Victoria’s Secret stuff (although that can be nice too for a special occasion), but a pretty floral nightgown, something like that. No one feels sexy in old holey sweatpants.

Don’t have a TV in your bedroom. If you have one, take it out. Make sure your bedroom is calm, tidy, clean, inviting. Have a CD player or MP3 with some nice music for the bedroom. Candles, maybe?

Take a nice hot shower or bath after work to relax you, and so you feel attractive, clean, nice-smelling. Have nice smelling lotions on hand, to put on after your bath. Invite your husband to join you.

 

[PaulinVA]

My advice would be to feel free to be who you are.

Don’t feel like you live up to some ideal that you’ve heard about, about frequency or earthshakingness. Just be yourselves.

And, in a fifty year marriage (or longer) things ebb and flow. don’t be overly concerned.

 

[ContegoFides]

Stress and depression can affect anyone’s libido. I’ve dealt with this problem.

My suggestions:

1. Sometimes low libido can be a medical issue. Maybe explore that with a medical doctor? You might also consider a Catholic counselor. Avoid secular counselors like the plague they are.
2. Sex doesn’t have to be mind blowing, that’s the Hollywood myth. The marriage act is life affirming, bond-making, and life-creating even when it is “run of the mill” and prosaic. Make a conscious decision that you will make love, even if it isn’t fireworks.
3. I think that biologically speaking the more you do it the more you want it. So start doing it regularly as a conscious choice and hopefully over time your libido will increase.
4. Talk about it with your spouse. This is a big issue. Talking about it also increases feelings of intimacy, which will help a lot with the libido.

God Bless,

 

[FrenchGwen]

Hello ljvt,
as a “newlywed of 18 months” I just wanted to reassure you. This is quite normal. You get married after yeeeears of waiting for that moment to happen, and once you really CAN express your love in this particular manner, you just realize

• there truly ARE others means of doing so
• AND this particular means is soooo much more difficult to use than many others ! Both man and woman often are surprised about how difficult / awkward the learning process to intimacy can be, and this dampens one’s spirit.

so my advice would be, together with these:

Stress and depression can affect anyone’s libido. I’ve dealt with this problem.
My suggestions:
2) Sex doesn’t have to be mind blowing, that’s the Hollywood myth. The marriage act is life affirming, bond-making, and life-creating even when it is “run of the mill” and prosaic. Make a conscious decision that you will make love, even if it isn’t fireworks.
3) I think that biologically speaking the more you do it the more you want it. So start doing it regularly as a conscious choice and hopefully over time your libido will increase.
4) Talk about it with your spouse. This is a big issue. Talking about it also increases feelings of intimacy, which will help a lot with the libido.

• do take your time, it will all come in his own time, the more confident you will be about the whole technical aspects, the more alluring intimacy will seem to you
• learn planing special moments with intimacy, especially if you have a stressful schedule: make sure you get 3 hours alone on Saturday afternoons (or any moment where you’re both relaxed AND fully awake), and use them to first reconnect on the emotional level (talking and such) then passing to other activities
• be aware that your sex drive may not be that low. Your perception may be just be twarted by our society’s pressure on performance.
  I am going to confess I married expecting that we would made love almost every non-fertile day of my cycle, some days even twice or more This was terrible, because I put so much pressure on both of us for that, convinced as I was that we wouldn’t be normal if we didn’t keep that rythm.
  Well, things don’t work that way, as I slowly realized:

• most people brag about having much more sex than they actually do.
• Most of the ones who do have that much sex have nothing else in their relationship, so sex serves as a substitute for all other kind of intimacy, and as a means of hiding problems

.

You’re learning. Learning together is part of the bonding process. So look at this from the learning point of view, and enjoy taking classes with each other !

 

[Barry44]

Of course, this may ONLY be used as foreplay, not substituted for intercourse and not to completion for the husband.

Sexual desire ebbs and flows (contrary to what TV and magazines would have you believe). It is normal for desire to come and go. Stay close to each other, stay close to Jesus - pray together, that is the most intimate thing you can do!

Pick up some of West’s books “Good News About Sex and Marriage” and Popcak’s “Holy Sex!”.

Remember to keep having fun and to dance!

Thanks for the clarification, I hoped that I would not have misspoken. Our pray life and the reception of the Eucharist truly helped to keep us together.

 

[ljvt]

Thanks so much for all your wonderful answers. They have been very helpful.

I don’t believe either of us are depressed, although we have had a lot of stress in our lives previously and that is dying down a lot.

FrenchGwen - thanks so much for all your words of wisdom. I guess I expected us to be making the most of every “non-fertile” day too!

I actually realised also that because this has not being part of our relationship previously, I don’t think we had really made the time to fit it in - I kept expecting it to happen naturally when we go to bed, which to be honest is when we are most shattered!

Also big thanks to StJudePray4Me - what great ideas!.

It’s nice to have support and reassurance from you all, because I guess based on today’s society I felt there was something wrong with us.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Thanks so much for all your wonderful answers. They have been very helpful.

I don’t believe either of us are depressed, although we have had a lot of stress in our lives previously and that is dying down a lot.

FrenchGwen - thanks so much for all your words of wisdom. I guess I expected us to be making the most of every “non-fertile” day too!

I actually realised also that because this has not being part of our relationship previously, I don’t think we had really made the time to fit it in - I kept expecting it to happen naturally when we go to bed, which to be honest is when we are most shattered!

Also big thanks to StJudePray4Me - what great ideas!.

It’s nice to have support and reassurance from you all, because I guess based on today’s society I felt there was something wrong with us.

I’m glad you liked my suggestions!

It is true – society & media make it seem like everyone is READY – all the time, and if you’re not, there’s something wrong. Such nonsense. Real life isn’t always conducive to feeling sexy!

If I could make one other suggestion, it’s been really important to my husband and me to take vacations. We have been married for 14 years and have 2 kids (10 and 7) and I know so many couples who don’t take time to be with one another alone. As your marriage goes on, even more things will be there to “get in way” of feeling romantic. We try to get away at least once a year for a long weekend without the kids, to have a romantic time to reconnect. We go to a lovely B&B, have candlelit dinners, and really take our time. It really recharges the batteries for a long time afterwards!

So I think even as newlyweds, it would be great to take a “time out” whenever you can. Stay a night at an Inn or hotel, even if it’s close by. Get away from the laundry, the dirty dishes, the ringing phone and the TiVO.

And also, congratulations on your marriage! Have fun being newlyweds!

 

[Rach620]

Another relative newlywed here–we got married in August 2008. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here!

I actually realised also that because this has not being part of our relationship previously, I don’t think we had really made the time to fit it in - I kept expecting it to happen naturally when we go to bed, which to be honest is when we are most shattered!

From personal experience, let me say that waiting for it to happen naturally at night is just going to set you up for disappointment.You’re both tired. Tired people don’t always have great sex. So go to bed early or try a different time of day…

Also, husbands especially appreciate direct communication. As a shy wife, it’s easy to expect him to “get” all the signals I’m trying to send, when he really doesn’t notice anything. Sometimes it can really hurt when you are thinking you might like to be intimate, you think that you are sending all the right signals, and he doesn’t show any interest. But he probably just wasn’t catching on. Lesson here: There is nothing wrong with clear, direct communication. It helps quite a lot. And sometimes husbands just really appreciate, uh, forward advances that don’t involve verbal communication!

The suggestions others gave to talk about sex throughout the day with your husband are good ones. Give yourself something to look forward to. Thinking about intimacy with your spouse will help you desire that intimacy more.

Everyone’s perception of low/normal/high sex drive differs. Find your own normal. If you want to have more sex…then talk about it and, uh, just do it .

 

[FrenchGwen]

FrenchGwen - thanks so much for all your words of wisdom. I guess I expected us to be making the most of every “non-fertile” day too!

I am happy this forum gives you the opportunity to reconsider this ! I think I might have needed a similar thread some time ago

I actually realised also that because this has not being part of our relationship previously, I don’t think we had really made the time to fit it in - I kept expecting it to happen naturally when we go to bed, which to be honest is when we are most shattered!

Exactly
honestly, after 18 months marriage, I realize the “happens naturally when we go to bed” hardly happens anymore : we’ve realized there truly ARE better times, if WE make the effort that is needed to make these times a reality.

 

[Barry44]

Of course, this may ONLY be used as foreplay, not substituted for intercourse and not to completion for the husband.

Sexual desire ebbs and flows (contrary to what TV and magazines would have you believe). It is normal for desire to come and go. Stay close to each other, stay close to Jesus - pray together, that is the most intimate thing you can do!

Pick up some of West’s books “Good News About Sex and Marriage” and Popcak’s “Holy Sex!”.

Remember to keep having fun and to dance!

What are we to do if I have an orgams while we are having oral sex and don’t have any left for intercourse?

 

[kage_ar]

What are we to do if I have an orgams while we are having oral sex and don’t have any left for intercourse?

If you are the husband in the relationship, and you do this intentionally, take it to Confession.

One cannot mortally sin accidently, so, if it was an accident - then, you learn a lesson that this behaviour is a near occasion of sin for you and you adjust your foreplay accordingly next time.