Alcoholic Dad

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jazz91

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My dad has a problem, and he has tried to change but has never really actually succeeded. Every time he drinks he hurts us, he brings up the past and everything that has hurt him, how his children has acted, and how my mom has hurt him. I have made him very disappointed a lot of times, but recently with me failing my first semester at my lvn school, he is more disappointed, i feel terrible that i didnt turn out to be the daughter he wanted me to be, but that is no excuse for him to act the way he acts when he is drunk. i have younger brothers, one that is 11 and 4. The one who is more affected is the 11 year old, i went through the same thing hes going through. I would have sleepless nights from friday till sunday because he would go out and drink and come home at 1 2 in the morning. My dad has always been a crazy drinker, and part of it i think its because he was in the salvadorian army and he says he went through a lot, his dad died when he was only 10 and he had to be responsible for all his brothers and sisters because he was the oldest. Im just worried today he got really upset and went all crazy and he was driving reckless and i just dont know what to do. I dont know what i have to do or say for him to realize he needs to change this. i pray, for him but im scared, im scared one day he will do something reckless. i love him, but i feel lost, and some what responsible for his drinking problem, because im not what he wants, my brother the 18 year old hes going through this stage were his little best friend is the only one, he claims his friend is all he needs that he doesnt need family when little does he know that his family will always be there. I feel that is also a disappointment for him. If anyone has advice or a way to help i would really appreciate it and please pray. Thanks, & sorry for the long essay. 😦
 
My heart aches for your family. Does your dad physically abuse you, your siblings or your mother? If so, you need to immediately call the police. I know it’s hard, but in the case of abuse, dramatic intervention needs to happen unless the alcoholism leads to a permanent bad outcome. If your dad drives under the influence of alcohol, you need to call the police. An innocent person may be impacted, and your family can be financially impacted for the rest of your life. Your dad needs help, and if he isn’t willing to help himself, the members of your family need to protect eachother. Don’t suffer in silence…

I’m praying for your dad, you, and your entire family.
 
My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is a very difficult situation and a heavy burden. If you can get help (maybe from a support group for people living with alcoholics) that may help you feel less alone. For your Dad, all you can do is keeping praying and hope that he reaches the place where he stops drinking and has the strength to stay away from it.

I can’t offer thoughts on each concern as my situation was a little different.
Every time he drinks he hurts us, he brings up the past and everything that has hurt him, how his children has acted, and how my mom has hurt him.
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Sadly he cannot see or accept his own part in events and has become trapped in self-pity.
i feel terrible that i didnt turn out to be the daughter he wanted me to be
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Please don’t feel terrible, none of us can live up to unrealistic expectations. Your Dad is struggling to fulfill his role as a father and seems to be putting his feelings of inadequacies onto you. Sadly many alcoholics fall into this trap. Instead, try to be the person God wants you to be.
I dont know what i have to do or say for him to realize he needs to change this
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It hurts when you love someone and see them on a path of self destruction that damages others, but it is also painful to know that there is little you can do, except pray and support him when (or if) he tries. The change has to come from within him.
some what responsible for his drinking problem, because im not what he wants,
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NO YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE! HE IS. Sorry to yell, but alcoholics can be manipulative. A child cannot force an adult into an addiction. He is responsible for you and not the other way round. Any guilt lies with him.
my brother the 18 year old hes going through this stage were his little best friend is the only one, he claims his friend is all he needs that he doesnt need family when little does he know that his family will always be there
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It seems as if the only way he has found to cope is to divorce himself from his family and the support of one friend in great but he will soon discover that it is not enough. Whilst you can see and feel the pain he is causing his siblings he may never realise that and again, you cannot be responsible for him, you have your younger brothers to support.
sorry for the long essay.
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Don’t be sorry. You put a huge amount in few words.
I am sorry if my tone is strident but the only girl in a family tends to take on responsibility, even when it belongs to others. I think it was Pope Benedict who warned against taking on too much when he said that one person on his/her own cannot save the church (or was it world?).

Believe me it will get better and the wounds will heal. Just tell yourself you are doing the best you can and keep praying. And remember God created you and he loves you unconditionally, so if you fail, He will always be there to forgive and support you.
May God bless you and your family and guide you.
 
Free help is available for you and your family.

For the families and friends of alcoholics please go to Al-Anon:
al-anon.alateen.org/

For the alcoholic please go to AA(Alcoholics Anonymous):
aa.org/?Media=NoFlash

None of you need to suffer because of an alcohol problem.
 
Avila123 said:
NO YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE! HE IS. Sorry to yell, but alcoholics can be manipulative. A child cannot force an adult into an addiction. He is responsible for you and not the other way round. Any guilt lies with him.
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This is true, jazz91. You are on the receiving end of behavior that you do NOT deserve, did not instigate, and cannot solve. Your family has become the scagegoat for your father’s great pain which he doesn’t seem to know how else to deal with. You are worth loving and I wish I could give you a hug; I know what it is like to live with a bomb, although mine was not alcoholic.
 
jazz91 said:
My dad has a problem, and he has tried to change but has never really actually succeeded. Every time he drinks he hurts us, he brings up the past and everything that has hurt him, how his children has acted, and how my mom has hurt him. I have made him very disappointed a lot of times, but recently with me failing my first semester at my lvn school, he is more disappointed, i feel terrible that i didnt turn out to be the daughter he wanted me to be, but that is no excuse for him to act the way he acts when he is drunk. i have younger brothers, one that is 11 and 4. The one who is more affected is the 11 year old, i went through the same thing hes going through. I would have sleepless nights from friday till sunday because he would go out and drink and come home at 1 2 in the morning. My dad has always been a crazy drinker, and part of it i think its because he was in the salvadorian army and he says he went through a lot, his dad died when he was only 10 and he had to be responsible for all his brothers and sisters because he was the oldest. Im just worried today he got really upset and went all crazy and he was driving reckless and i just dont know what to do. I dont know what i have to do or say for him to realize he needs to change this. i pray, for him but im scared, im scared one day he will do something reckless. i love him, but i feel lost, and some what responsible for his drinking problem, because im not what he wants, my brother the 18 year old hes going through this stage were his little best friend is the only one, he claims his friend is all he needs that he doesnt need family when little does he know that his family will always be there. I feel that is also a disappointment for him. If anyone has advice or a way to help i would really appreciate it and please pray. Thanks, & sorry for the long essay. 😦
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Pretty much everything I would say has already been said. The main thing is for you to truly recognize that none of this is your fault in any way, whether your dad says that he is disappointed in you or not. Your dad is a grown man with a problem–but he is responsible for his problem and for his own feelings and behavior. Nobody but him is responsible–not you, not the Salvation Army–nobody. Blaming others for their behavior, failings or just miserable general life is a common tactic of most alcoholics. Your dad should be disappointed in himself for putting your family through this. If you allow this man–no matter how deeply you love him as a father–to make you feel unworthy, it will follow you all your life and influence how you deal with your own family one day. If you see your dad driving drunk and you say and do nothing and he kills someone, I promise you that no judge will think it’s somehow your fault for disappointing him as they throw your dad into prison! Think also how you will feel if you know what he does, say nothing and someone dies because of him. Would you not feel guilty that you didn’t speak up? Do you really think that you deserve to live with the possibility of facing such a thing happening? Because you DON’T deserve to!!! Also, it’s a well recorded fact that children of alcoholics have a far greater chance of becoming alcoholics themselves later in their own lives. You may not think you’d ever follow in your Dad’s path, but believe me when I say that it’s more than likely that you or one of your siblings will do so–particularly if you don’t get help now and just continue to exist with your dad’s behavior.

You truly need someone to set down and talk to honestly–and it needs to be a “real” person–not just an on line forum group. I know it embarrasses you, but try to think of someone you might be able to trust–perhaps a priest, a teacher or a school counselor and then be honest with them. The person that you talk to must be an adult–not a minor. Remember that! If not simply for you, think of your younger siblings who will face what you face after you are grown and gone from home. Do you want them to have to feel as you do now? Speak to someone about your Dad and home life right away!:gopray2:
 
Jazz91: You have become enmeshed in your father’s addiction. His addiction is not your fault, nor is it really due to his army experiences or anything else in his past. He is addicted because he drinks too much, and because he chronically uses alcohol to avoid emotional issues he should have processed years ago. As others suggested you could join an al-anon group. This is a self help organization for the families of alcoholics. They will teach you how to get out of the enmeshment known as co-dependence.
 
I agree with everyone else; my own father is an alcoholic, and I’m in my 30s and still trying to figure out what is “normal” and what is leftover conditioning and codependency. Try not to be too mad at your brother; the “family is all that matters” statement is actually commonly used by alcoholics as part of their manipulation. My father had literally been slowly poisoning himself to death with alcohol, and is now in assisted care at a fairly young age, in very poor health. I tried for years to “save” him and “save” our family, but have had to accept that this is not possible. Ultimately all I was doing was enabling him to continue drinking. In your case, I think getting some perspective now would help; I didn’t have that opportunity until I was in my 20s and it’s been hard. What is going on in your family is NOT normal, it is abuse. I will keep you in my prayers. I would also suggest Al-Anon, or at least speak with your priest or a trusted adult. You need someone in real life to help you remember this is not normal and that you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for the decisions your PARENTS, the adults, make.
 
Please know that an alcoholic has to keep bringing up how people disappoint him, how awful life is, how everything went against them. They are trapped in this cycle of self pity, and do not let the record of his voice keep playing in your head. Other people have gone through worse things and come out the other side, and are sober. And, they bring blessing to people, and are a joy to others. Alcoholism is it’s own kind of hell.

The beautiful thing about the Catholic faith is that when we go through hard times, and every one does, and when others hurt or disappoint us, we can go to Jesus in the sacraments. We don’t have to relive every little thing over and over. Thank you Jesus that you offer us a way to stay out of sin’s trap!

Put your hand in God’s hand, stay the course for what you need to do in your life. If there are healthy families you know, it would be healing to spend time with them. May God strengthen and guide you each day.
 
I was thinking of your post. I remember when I was in my 30’s, married, and we were visiting a married couple (Catholic) with children, and I heard for the first time in my life, the mom telling her son that she should try to make the best of the situation.

That just floored me. So did the phrase I heard, of “How are we going to meet this challenge?”. Positive words, the kind that get you through stuff going on. The opposite of self pity that bogs one down into hopelessness.

Not only does a child grow up in a ‘not normal’ situation with an alcoholic parent, there is so much good and holy parenting that *is not going on *while growing up too. Spending time with that family and watching their interaction really opened my eyes to what a loving and caring family interaction could be. I hope for that opportunity for you, and soon. Your marriage and family does not have to be like that. One day, with God’s help, you can flourish, and bring your own children into an environment where they can thrive and grow, and be a blessing to the world.
 
Thank you everyone for the help you have suggested. As the oldest i want to help my dad, hes not a bad person, he has always been a responsible father, has always shown us how much he loves us, the problem is everything can disappear in a second when he drinks with his friends. We have talked to him and told him that what he’s doing is only killing him, and we dont deserve the nightmare we go through when he acts crazy under the influence. its not physically, he has never hit us when he’s drunk. And i will talk to our priest today, to see if he can get more help. i trust and believe in god that he can change, he has done it before my dad is strong in his faith, but there is always times when he starts going the wrong way and stops caring. I know there is hope, and i thank all of you for the kind words, and for all the help. I want to do whats in my power and with gods help to help my dad with this addiction, and one day we can be the happy family, of course there will always be rough patches but nothing we cant get through with gods help. Thank you again no words can describe how happy all your words help and mean to me. May god bless you all and keep my dad in your prayers.
 
jazz91 said:
Thank you everyone for the help you have suggested. As the oldest i want to help my dad, hes not a bad person, he has always been a responsible father, has always shown us how much he loves us, the problem is everything can disappear in a second when he drinks with his friends. We have talked to him and told him that what he’s doing is only killing him, and we dont deserve the nightmare we go through when he acts crazy under the influence. its not physically, he has never hit us when he’s drunk. And i will talk to our priest today, to see if he can get more help. i trust and believe in god that he can change, he has done it before my dad is strong in his faith, but there is always times when he starts going the wrong way and stops caring. I know there is hope, and i thank all of you for the kind words, and for all the help. I want to do whats in my power and with gods help to help my dad with this addiction, and one day we can be the happy family, of course there will always be rough patches but nothing we cant get through with gods help. Thank you again no words can describe how happy all your words help and mean to me. May god bless you all and keep my dad in your prayers.
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Without going into details, I will say I know whereof I speak about the following.

If your dad is truly alcohol addicted (and it certainly sounds like it) one of the hardest things to do is to realize that the addiction is almost “another person” in and of itself. The alcoholic doesn’t see it that way, and thinks it’s part of himself. Because it is painful to give up the addiction, he doesn’t see the pain as “getting away” from the “creature”, but as his own personal pain, arising from himself. But it’s as separate from him as another human being would be.

The alcoholic gradually, over time, adopts the dictates of “the monster” as his own thoughts and motivations, and adopts “its” ways rather than the alcoholic’s own.

It is only when the alcoholic realizes the addiction is “not him” and that he has to accept the pain of “getting away from the monster” that he can recover.

“The monster” of course, will make him crazy for a short time before it leaves. That’s part of the withdrawal process.

It’s terrible that you are living with a dad who does not realize the “monster” is not him and that he does not need “the monster” as part of himself. But it’s important for you to know that he is not “the monster”. It only dwells within him. It is a delicate thing to say this to him, but at the right moment you might. You can tell him you love him, and should, but you can tell him too that you hate the monster and will never accept or forgive the monster or accept the monster as part of your dad. You only want him to throw it out of himself so your dad is just himself without “that other person”.

And you can tell your dad that you don’t want the monster to kill him, because, in time, it will if he doesn’t expel it.
 
Jazz91. I will pray for you and your family.

Just one thing I should mention is that you might find a recovered alcoholic has a different (or better) personality. After 19 years of only knowing a man in various stages of inebriation, it took some adjusting being with a sober Dad.
 
Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women and Blessed is the
fruit of Thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners, now and
at the hour of our death Amen

Glory be to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit
as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be
World without end
Amen
 
jazz91, I thought of something else to add. Don’t let feelings of guilt overwhelm you. In difficult family situations, when someone finally lets “outsiders” know what is going on, it can make them feel like they are a weak, gossiping traitor; don’t believe it! Asking for help does not mean that you don’t love and respect your father and the rest of your family; it means that you love and respect them, and yourself, enough to seek what is needed even though it hurts. Don’t be afraid that a counselor, priest etc. is going to believe that your dad is a bad person if you tell them; they probably have a deep knowledge of what humanity is like, and they should be able to see the good in everyone.
 
SecretaryMonday said:
jazz91, I thought of something else to add. Don’t let feelings of guilt overwhelm you. In difficult family situations, when someone finally lets “outsiders” know what is going on, it can make them feel like they are a weak, gossiping traitor; don’t believe it! Asking for help does not mean that you don’t love and respect your father and the rest of your family; it means that you love and respect them, and yourself, enough to seek what is needed even though it hurts. Don’t be afraid that a counselor, priest etc. is going to believe that your dad is a bad person if you tell them; they probably have a deep knowledge of what humanity is like, and they should be able to see the good in everyone.
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You know, i talked to the priest in my church today, and there is no words to describe how thankful i am with god to have him in our church, he has brought light into my life when i have most needed it, and he gave me advice regarding my dad, and he is also willing to help out with my dad, now its all up to my dad to receive the help, of course it wont be easy but its not impossible everything with gods help is possible. I was once ashamed of telling others what went wrong in the house, mostly people i have no idea who my dad is i was scared they would judge or think he was a bad person when he really isnt, hes just trapped in his past,and things that still hurt him and that is what brings him back to the alcohol. But thank you for your words. May god bless you, and everyone who has helped me with this.
 
Dear Jazz,
It would really help you to go to Alateen, if you can find a group near you. There you can learn about detachment with love, which is not to stop caring about the alcoholic in your life, but to separate yourself from the alcoholic craziness.
Here is a good article about it.
You did not cause your dad to drink, and you cannot stop him. He must do that himself.
You and your brothers and sisters must get on with your lives, and not let your father’s problems interfere with that. Let him deal with the consequences of his choices. That is the loving thing to do.
God bless.
 
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