Alcoholic Husband

[tinamn]

My husband of 9.5 years is an alcoholic. He has had problems since before we were married, but he was in a long period of doing well when I met him until shortly after we married. He goes through periods where he will admit it (usually when he is drunk and at the “emotional” point of his high), say he’s sorry, and talk about how he is going to change. But when he is sober or really any other time of being drunk besides that emotional stage, he says he doesn’t have a problem, he can quit when he wants, and keeps bringing up that he went 5 weeks with not a drop at the beginning of the year (which started only because I had driven him to a treatment center, but when they asked him to turn in his phone and computer he lost it and refused. The threat of losing his electronics was enough to get him to stop for 5 weeks).

I know I do not have a healthy response to his alcoholism. It makes me angry… the smell of alcohol alone (not even just from him… anywhere) makes my stomach twist into knots, I get nauseous and shaky. I fear for our 4 young children (6 and under) - not only for what they see in my response, but what they see of him passed out on the couch, slurring his words, falling down the stairs, etc. Also, he is super “into” guns in the last few years, and just yesterday I found him drunk and teaching my 4 and 6 year old daughters how to shoot a rifle. 30 min after I found him doing this, he passed out on the couch in the middle of the chaos of 4 young kids… for FOUR hours. I could go on for pages of the things that concern me.

I don’t know how to handle this. My anger isn’t good, the situation in general is not good for the kids, but… he isn’t violent, to this point he has held down his job, and when he is sober he is a great dad and I enjoy spending time with him very much. Not to mention, of course, that I took a vow 9.5 years ago. What, if anything, can I do about this?? He refuses marriage counseling, refuses treatment, and threatens to share with the world about a past indiscretion on my part (that I have confessed and accepted full responsibility for) during one of our roughest patches if I take the kids to my parents (in the same town) to get away from the situation. I feel that I am enabling him just by being around - I take care of the kids, house, yard, finances… everything.

Prayers appreciated, as would be any advice. And please, hopefully no judging about my own past. We all make mistakes, mine was a big one and I regret it every day but I believe Jesus’ death has covered my sin as it has others’.

 

[Lou2U]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t know how well this will work, but could you get some of his friends together to stage an intervention? He needs to realise now how badly he is affecting everyone around him, as well as damaging his own health.

Try to keep your children away from it as much as you can. Could you ask your parents to take them at the weekend? I know you don’t want him to reveal your indiscretion, but you need to keep yourself and your children safe. He may not be violent, but if you aren’t there and he tries to cook something and falls asleep with it on, your children will be in a lot of danger.

I think you should go to your parents’ to get some support from them. Not only is be drinking, he is blackmailing you. I’m not advocating a separation, but somehow, he needs to understand. Until then, keep your children and yourself safe.

Lou

 

[pensmama87]

Also, he is super “into” guns in the last few years, and just yesterday I found him drunk and teaching my 4 and 6 year old daughters how to shoot a rifle. 30 min after I found him doing this, he passed out on the couch in the middle of the chaos of 4 young kids… for FOUR hours. I could go on for pages of the things that concern me.
.

This is incredibly dangerous and shows terrible judgment on his part. IMO, the rest doesn’t matter as far as the immediate situation - it is not safe for your husband to be around your children. Perhaps the rest can be worked out, perhaps not - but the above is a horrible, horrible tragedy waiting to happen. Do not make excuses for this behavior and think very hard about how best to keep your children safe.

I am very sorry you are going through this. I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[tinamn]

I have considered going to my parents and sharing with them, so that it doesn’t come from him. I am worried about their response, as they are my only support currently. My sister is currently going through a divorce (served by her husband) and she has repeatedly done what I did once. I don’t know that they have forgiven her, but they do still at least speak with her and help her with the kids… so there is hope but it is just overall scary that I might end up not only living with an alcoholic husband but no family support either.

And while I know there is no justification for what I did that makes it right (and I will never, EVER do it again), my personal justification at the time was that we were separated (not legally) and that his behavior showed he didn’t care about me anyway. Now I just feel like I deserve what he’s doing.

I went on a business trip three weeks ago and he promised to me up and down that he wouldn’t drink a drop while I was gone. Instead, on his way home from work the day I left, he stopped at the liquor store and stocked up for the duration of my trip. My sister’s new boyfriend (who I had met twice and have heard horrendous things about) ended up going to our house while I was gone, and HE took care of my children. He could have molested them… done anything to them really. My husband, after the fact, apologized and said he realizes what a stupid mistake he made… but he still didn’t stop drinking. So I know very much how he could/has put the children in danger.

He tried an outpatient treatment program last June. He had to go Tues, Thurs and Saturdays, and they would do urine tests. He learned how to make sure there would be nothing in his system, and that if they did a test one day they wouldn’t again that week. He would come home, talk about how he is better than all the people there who were ordered there by judges, were losing their families, or had lost their jobs/homes… because he volunteered to go and still has his family and his job. Then he’d pop open a beer and drink 2 liters of vodka. All through the 9 weeks of treatment…

 

[tinamn]

This is incredibly dangerous and shows terrible judgment on his part. IMO, the rest doesn’t matter as far as the immediate situation - it is not safe for your husband to be around your children. Perhaps the rest can be worked out, perhaps not - but the above is a horrible, horrible tragedy waiting to happen. Do not make excuses for this behavior.

I 100% agree that it’s incredibly dangerous, and there are no excuses whatsoever. But he is a steamroller in any kind of “discussion” about this - he insists that he was right there, a rifle is too long for them to shoot by themselves, they don’t have the strength to load it themselves, etc. You literally can NOT argue with him - doesn’t matter how valid the point is, he continues to go back to the same things and repeat them over and over.

And to me, it doesn’t matter how safe we are with the guns, and that they’re locked up when not in use, etc. What happens when they encounter a gun somewhere that someone isn’t as careful, and say “Oh, my daddy showed me how to use this, I know what to do!” Because they are 4 and 6 and have no idea that it’s dangerous, no matter how much you tell them.

He isn’t as safe as he claims either, if he’s out there while wasted. And after he shot last week, he left 4 of his rifles on the landing of our split level, no locks on them. This is where the kids get ready for school in the morning. I have strict orders not to touch the guns. Shouldn’t the kids as well? I made sure they were never around them when I wasn’t around until he moved them.

 

[Lou2U]

You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve a husband who cannot think about anything but drink. Your children deserve a sober father.

I really think you need to get yourself and your children out of the house. Go to your parents, tell them about his alcoholism and never leave your children alone with him. If you can, get the guns out the house.

You made one mistake that you have regretted. Your husband is making several mistakes that will have massive repercussions on his family and health unless he doesn’t stop. You need to put your children first right now. Your husband is incapable of looking after them.

Lou

 

[tinamn]

Go to your parents, tell them about his alcoholism and never leave your children alone with him.

My parents know about his drinking. So do his. So does pretty much everyone because when he is drunk he stumbles around telling everyone how he has a problem, but he’s “getting better” and “experimenting” to find out what he can/can’t do.

I won’t be going on any further business trips unless my parents are around - the timing of this last one was when they were on vacation… and he hadn’t been drinking for the prior 5 weeks so I didn’t think it would be a problem. Now I know better and will make sure that if I do need to travel, he won’t be alone with them.

Right now I either run errands/grocery shop when the nanny is around (so taking time from my work day) or when the kids are all in bed. I work from home, so basically I’m tied to my house now except for the 2 hrs I get out to do errands during my work days every week.

 

[pensmama87]

You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve a husband who cannot think about anything but drink. Your children deserve a sober father.

I really think you need to get yourself and your children out of the house. Go to your parents, tell them about his alcoholism and never leave your children alone with him. If you can, get the guns out the house.

You made one mistake that you have regretted. Your husband is making several mistakes that will have massive repercussions on his family and health unless he doesn’t stop. You need to put your children first right now. Your husband is incapable of looking after them.

Lou

Yes.

Since your husband is incapable of being reasonable about this, you need to take the children elsewhere. Once they are safe, then you do the work on your marriage if your husband is willing. If not, you get counseling for yourself at the least, to help you stay strong for your kids.

 

[tinamn]

I keep wanting to believe him when he says he’s going to fix the problem. It never changes though, it’s just a cycle. So now I don’t really believe him, and then he pounces all over that and says I must not love him if I don’t truly believe he can fix this on his own. That he can’t get better if I don’t have faith in him… he NEEDS that faith in him or he has no reason to get better.

So… am I just being the classic “in denial” wife here? I clearly know he has a problem, and that he needs help. And that his claims to get better are just hollow claims (even though I keep hearing “I just went FIVE WEEKS!! Doesn’t that mean ANYTHING to you!!!”)

But just wanting to believe that it will finally change… and then being let down when it doesn’t.

Yes, I’d love to get counseling. But we live in a small town and he feels that everyone will know about his problems if I go to counseling.

And beyond the drinking, we DO have problems in our marriage… but I guess at this point I’m not sure if those are due to the drinking or just who he is (he claims it’s just who he is and I shouldn’t try to get him to change - this is the fact that he comes home from work, expects a meal, doesn’t interact with the kids, and then plays computer games and goes to bed, while I do EVERYTHING even though I work full time as well).

 

[tinamn]

Yes.

Since your husband is incapable of being reasonable about this, you need to take the children elsewhere. Once they are safe, then you do the work on your marriage if your husband is willing. If not, you get counseling for yourself at the least, to help you stay strong for your kids.

He claims I have no legal right to take the kids away from him. I don’t know anything about this. If I go to my parents, he will likely just show up there. I feel like reasonable, clear-thinking people would see that he shouldn’t be allowed around them right now, but obviously I’m a bit biased because I’m living with him and see it daily.

 

[Lou2U]

He needs to learn that he has to go for longer than 5 weeks - he has to do it forever.

Go to counselling. You need someone you can talk to and get advice from. You could also ask your Priest. I think at this point, your husband has forfeited any right telling you how to act about his problem. You need to keep your children safe, you need to keep you safe and as strong as you can be. If he is telling everyone, it isn’t a secret.

Lou

 

[Sugabee43]

It sounds like you need to get on your horse and ride away. Immediately. Anyone who is that drunk and around guns and children cannot keep them safe. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen.

Please do not wait until it’s too late - take the kids and find somewhere else to stay; or if that’s not possible, issue a restraining order and change the locks. If you have connections to LEO in your area, talk to them and see if someone can be there when he gets home the first time or two.

Call/research what you need to do to document all of these goings-on (the treatment and lack of success; abuse; etc) so that you can be prepared for the legality of ending your marriage IF he decides he’s unwilling to REALLY give up the booze. Hopefully, having you leave or making him leave will wake him up to the fact that unless and until he gets sober completely will spur him into action.

 

[tinamn]

Call/research what you need to do to document all of these goings-on (the treatment and lack of success; abuse; etc) so that you can be prepared for the legality of ending your marriage IF he decides he’s unwilling to REALLY give up the booze. Hopefully, having you leave or making him leave will wake him up to the fact that unless and until he gets sober completely will spur him into action.

Who do I call? I have tried to look into this, but I’m not even sure where to look.

I feel like because he was willing to forgive me, I have no choice but to stay in the marriage. I’m not saying I want out at this point - though during the really bad times I will confess the thought has crossed my mind. Shouldn’t I be showing him the same forgiveness?

I can feel the denial in the back of my head… tiny threads of it that sneak up and say… well, maybe THIS is the time he will fix it. Or, it’s not REALLY as bad as I am making it out to be, is it (I swear I have not falsely represented anything that has happened, so assuming from the responses, it’s as bad as it sounds). Or even… am I just being a drama queen? We have a nice house, good jobs, our kids are awesome and healthy and so far don’t seem to be affected. When he’s sober we enjoy each other, etc…

I’m trying to fight that denial right now.

 

[pensmama87]

At our parish we have a social services resource person who has lots of information on shelters or other places to get help with all kinds of things including legal advice and counseling. Even if your parish doesn’t have a designated person for that purpose, I’m sure if you call the office someone will have a resource for you. Failing that, you could try calling the diocese or Catholic Charities in your area.

I’d also suggest finding an Al-Anon group in your area.

 

[Lou2U]

Sugabee is completely right. This is a tragedy waiting to happen, and your husband is unable to see it. You can’t forgive someone for something they refuse to admit is a problem.

Your children have already been taught how to fire a gun. They were left alone whilst you were on a business trip and a man you’d only met twice came to look after them. They could be in the house with your husband asleep and something cooking. They could find your husband’s alcohol and drink it for themselves because they have no concept what alcohol is.

It isn’t worse than you think.

Lou

 

[Sugabee43]

Yes, check with your parish - ours has a BUNCH of social services, including legal and actual physical help. This is what our faith community is for- to render aid!!

And no, I don’t think you’re exaggerating or being a “drama queen”. If anything, IMHO, you’re being too submissive! If this were my situation, I’d have done either Option 1 or Option 2 the day I walked in and witnessed my drunken husband handling guns around my children.

If he is shaken to his core, thinking that you’re leaving him or making him leave the house, he might take his addiction seriously and be willing to ante up. I pray that’s what will happen - he needs to hit rock bottom, and that may be through losing you and his children.

If not, then you and your children are in a safe place where you’re not worried about your welfare (whether deliberate or accidental) constantly.

 

[pensmama87]

Yes, check with your parish - ours has a BUNCH of social services, including legal and actual physical help. This is what our faith community is for- to render aid!!

And no, I don’t think you’re exaggerating or being a “drama queen”. If anything, IMHO, you’re being too submissive! If this were my situation, I’d have done either Option 1 or Option 2 the day I walked in and witnessed my drunken husband handling guns around my children.

If he is shaken to his core, thinking that you’re leaving him or making him leave the house, he might take his addiction seriously and be willing to ante up. I pray that’s what will happen - he needs to hit rock bottom, and that may be through losing you and his children.

If not, then you and your children are in a safe place where you’re not worried about your welfare (whether deliberate or accidental) constantly.

Yes!

 

[Sugabee43]

And, just to clarify… I say this as a proud firearm owner and CCL licensee. I firmly believe in our 2nd Amendment rights, but he’s not exhibiting responsible gun ownership. At. All. At least in the state of Texas, if you’re a CCL owner, you cannot by law drink and carry. It’s a felony.

 

[Lou2U]

Yes!

Yes! x2

Lou

 

[tinamn]

He just woke up from being passed out for 2 hours and he is still wasted. He now has no alcohol in the house and is insisting that I go buy it for him. He’s starting to have withdrawal. He has medicine (that he got illegally) to help him with the withdrawal, but he says he’s not ready to stop so why would he take the medicine to get through the withdrawal?

He says if I don’t get him the alcohol he will go himself, but he is clearly drunk. I said I’d take his keys or stand behind his car, but he then said “Well, you shouldn’t do that, our kids need their mom.” Like… not “ok” but basically “i’ll run over you, and that would be bad because the kids need their mom.”

I already talked with my parents about my past. They’re on my side. So hopefully something can happen here.