Alcoholic Husband

[pensmama87]

He just woke up from being passed out for 2 hours and he is still wasted. He now has no alcohol in the house and is insisting that I go buy it for him. He’s starting to have withdrawal. He has medicine (that he got illegally) to help him with the withdrawal, but he says he’s not ready to stop so why would he take the medicine to get through the withdrawal?

He says if I don’t get him the alcohol he will go himself, but he is clearly drunk. I said I’d take his keys or stand behind his car, but he then said “Well, you shouldn’t do that, our kids need their mom.” Like… not “ok” but basically “i’ll run over you, and that would be bad because the kids need their mom.”

I already talked with my parents about my past. They’re on my side. So hopefully something can happen here.

Who is going to make what happen?

You have to make something happen. If he’s threatening you I’d call the police. If he leaves in his car, I’d call the police and inform them about a drunk driver.

Or tell him you’ll go, pack up the kids with you, and get the heck out of Dodge.

 

[tinamn]

Or tell him you’ll go, pack up the kids with you, and get the heck out of Dodge.

Right. This is basically what I was thinking. I should have packed stuff while he was sleeping though. If we leave here he won’t let me come back to get anything.

 

[Lou2U]

Definitely don’t buy it for him. Take the keys.

I think you should expect the worse. Don’t keep thinking he’ll stop under his own steam. Ask your parents to help you, and go and find some leaflets/professionals to help you. Sugabee’s advice is good.

Lou

 

[tinamn]

The nanny is packing a few things while is is not upstairs. When my work call is done we’re going to head out to my parents.

 

[pensmama87]

The nanny is packing a few things while is is not upstairs. When my work call is done we’re going to head out to my parents.

Good for you. Stay safe and we’ll keep praying.

(And remember that clothes, toys, toiletries etc can be replaced.)

 

[Lou2U]

The nanny is packing a few things while is is not upstairs. When my work call is done we’re going to head out to my parents.

Good. You’re going to be okay.

Pensmama is right - you can replace the non-essentials.

:hug1:

Lou

 

[Sugabee43]

Praying for you right now.

Be safe and be careful, and give your kids tons of love! You’ll be fine- rest in the Lord!

 

[ProdglArchitect]

The nanny is packing a few things while is is not upstairs. When my work call is done we’re going to head out to my parents.

I’m glad to hear it. Get your kids safe first, then deal with your husband.

Praying for you and your children, as well as for his recovery.

 

[tawny]

Praying for you, your, husband & your family.

 

[oldgraymare2]

At our parish we have a social services resource person who has lots of information on shelters or other places to get help with all kinds of things including legal advice and counseling. Even if your parish doesn’t have a designated person for that purpose, I’m sure if you call the office someone will have a resource for you. Failing that, you could try calling the diocese or Catholic Charities in your area.

I’d also suggest finding an Al-Anon group in your area.

Hi tinamn,

I’m editing my post to see that you were taking your children and going to your parent’s, too.

I’m so very sorry that all of this is happening. It must be so very stressful to everyone, too. Prayers said for you and your family.

This is exactly what I was thinking too, as I was reading this dear soul’s tina posts–getting help through Catholic Charities and Al-Anon.

I also wanted to add that Catholic Charities also offers counseling on a sliding-fee scale, too, based on income. I would think that they can also help you with referrals to other services, too.

Counseling is kept private and confidential. It doesn’t matter that you live in a small town, since that seems to be a concern of your husband. What you say to the counselor as a client, is confidential between the counselor and the client.

I would also recommend going to an Al-Anon support group, too. They offer support for those with alcoholic friends and relatives.

There’s also Legal Aid, if you think that you might need legal help. You can look them up by the state or city that you live in.

It sounds to me like your husband is trying to be manipulative with the things that he says to you, too, and is also trying to justify his behavior by making excuses for it. To me, that’s not good because that would tell me that he isn’t ready to do anything about it yet, to change it regarding his drinking.

I agree with the others that it’s not safe to have your children around him while he’s drinking, and while having guns around, too. I also feel that it’s a tragic accident waiting to happen.

It doesn’t even have to do with the guns, but just with trusting him around your little ones if he is in charge of them, but then starts drinking, and they’re then left without supervision if his drinking becomes too much. That would concern me.

May God bless all of you during this stressful time for you.

 

[vallancec]

Praying for you and your family.

C.

 

[Marysann]

I don’t know why no one has suggested this, but I think you also need to see a lawyer. You need to find out exactly what you rights and responsibilities are here, and how your husband can respond legally. I am a former child welfare caseworker. You may be held responsible if something happens to the children, they get ahold of that gun or whatever, because you knew about the situation, and didn’t do anything to stop it.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know why no one has suggested this, but I think you also need to see a lawyer. You need to find out exactly what you rights and responsibilities are here, and how your husband can respond legally. I am a former child welfare caseworker. You may be held responsible if something happens to the children, they get ahold of that gun or whatever, because you knew about the situation, and didn’t do anything to stop it.

Yes, that too.

Make sure you have all your papers.

 

[ClearWater]

Hi tinamn,

**This is exactly what I was thinking too, as I was reading this dear soul’s tina posts–getting help through Catholic Charities and Al-Anon. **

I also wanted to add that Catholic Charities also offers counseling on a sliding-fee scale, too, based on income. I would think that they can also help you with referrals to other services, too.

Counseling is kept private and confidential. It doesn’t matter that you live in a small town, since that seems to be a concern of your husband. What you say to the counselor as a client, is confidential between the counselor and the client.

I would also recommend going to an Al-Anon support group, too. They offer support for those with alcoholic friends and relatives.

There’s also Legal Aid, if you think that you might need legal help. You can look them up by the state or city that you live in.

It sounds to me like your husband is trying to be manipulative with the things that he says to you, too, and is also trying to justify his behavior by making excuses for it. To me, that’s not good because that would tell me that he isn’t ready to do anything about it yet, to change it regarding his drinking.

I agree with the others that it’s not safe to have your children around him while he’s drinking, and while having guns around, too. I also feel that it’s a tragic accident waiting to happen.

It doesn’t even have to do with the guns, but just with trusting him around your little ones if he is in charge of them, but then starts drinking, and they’re then left without supervision if his drinking becomes too much. That would concern me.

May God bless all of you during this stressful time for you.

I agree.

 

[oldgraymare2]

I don’t know why no one has suggested this, but I think you also need to see a lawyer. You need to find out exactly what you rights and responsibilities are here, and how your husband can respond legally. I am a former child welfare caseworker. You may be held responsible if something happens to the children, they get ahold of that gun or whatever, because you knew about the situation, and didn’t do anything to stop it.

I mentioned Legal Aid in my post for legal help.

 

[Trident_H]

So here I am. Here I am to say only this one thing.

As an alcoholic I can tell you there’s no waiting for this to blow over. It isn’t going to. He’s always going to choose the drink. He’s always going to head that way. Until HE decides it’s not worth the pain he’s causing. Until HE figures it out. Until HE grows the hell up and matures and realizes HE’s ruining things.

But he won’t do that. He’ll just keep drinking. Because drinking takes away the pain. And it’s a fear of dealing with the pain that keeps a drunk from being sober. A fear of dealing with real life. A fear of having to live.

Maybe if he can find a fear bigger than facing life he can get the strength to get up. Maybe if he realizes in the deepest part of his brain that it’s this or his family. For real. For keeps. Maybe then it’ll wake him up. Or maybe he’ll just add that to the list of reasons to stay drunk.

If he does decide to make the effort he’s a better man than me. If he does he’s miles closer to home than I’ll ever get. But if he does don’t believe he’s cured. He’s not. He’s always a step away from using again. He’s always really just going to be that close.

Longest I’ve been sober was 10 or so months. Lately? Lately. Well. I’m sober now. Maybe. But I won’t last the night. I won’t make it that far. Not a chance. Sorry guys. I’ve screwed up. I just wanted to stop by and tell you guys I love you all. But I don’t think I’ve got the strength to get back on that road. I never was all that good at doing hard. I’m sort of a path of least resistance sort. I don’t know.

Miss you guys.

Peace all.

-Trident

 

[oldgraymare2]

So here I am. Here I am to say only this one thing.

As an alcoholic I can tell you there’s no waiting for this to blow over. It isn’t going to. He’s always going to choose the drink. He’s always going to head that way. Until HE decides it’s not worth the pain he’s causing. Until HE figures it out. Until HE grows the hell up and matures and realizes HE’s ruining things.

But he won’t do that. He’ll just keep drinking. Because drinking takes away the pain. And it’s a fear of dealing with the pain that keeps a drunk from being sober. A fear of dealing with real life. A fear of having to live.

Maybe if he can find a fear bigger than facing life he can get the strength to get up. Maybe if he realizes in the deepest part of his brain that it’s this or his family. For real. For keeps. Maybe then it’ll wake him up. Or maybe he’ll just add that to the list of reasons to stay drunk.

If he does decide to make the effort he’s a better man than me. If he does he’s miles closer to home than I’ll ever get. But if he does don’t believe he’s cured. He’s not. He’s always a step away from using again. He’s always really just going to be that close.

Longest I’ve been sober was 10 or so months. Lately? Lately. Well. I’m sober now. Maybe. But I won’t last the night. I won’t make it that far. Not a chance. Sorry guys. I’ve screwed up. I just wanted to stop by and tell you guys I love you all. But I don’t think I’ve got the strength to get back on that road. I never was all that good at doing hard. I’m sort of a path of least resistance sort. I don’t know.

Miss you guys.

Peace all.

-Trident

Hi Trident,

I just came by to say “Hi” to you.

I’m so sorry for your struggles. Alcoholism is in my family, all over. So I do understand the addiction part of it.

I will pray for you. :console:

May God bless you during this stressful time for you.

 

[lax16]

So here I am. Here I am to say only this one thing.

As an alcoholic I can tell you there’s no waiting for this to blow over. It isn’t going to. He’s always going to choose the drink. He’s always going to head that way. Until HE decides it’s not worth the pain he’s causing. Until HE figures it out. Until HE grows the hell up and matures and realizes HE’s ruining things.

But he won’t do that. He’ll just keep drinking. Because drinking takes away the pain. And it’s a fear of dealing with the pain that keeps a drunk from being sober. A fear of dealing with real life. A fear of having to live.

Maybe if he can find a fear bigger than facing life he can get the strength to get up. Maybe if he realizes in the deepest part of his brain that it’s this or his family. For real. For keeps. Maybe then it’ll wake him up. Or maybe he’ll just add that to the list of reasons to stay drunk.

If he does decide to make the effort he’s a better man than me. If he does he’s miles closer to home than I’ll ever get. But if he does don’t believe he’s cured. He’s not. He’s always a step away from using again. He’s always really just going to be that close.

Longest I’ve been sober was 10 or so months. Lately? Lately. Well. I’m sober now. Maybe. But I won’t last the night. I won’t make it that far. Not a chance. Sorry guys. I’ve screwed up. I just wanted to stop by and tell you guys I love you all. But I don’t think I’ve got the strength to get back on that road. I never was all that good at doing hard. I’m sort of a path of least resistance sort. I don’t know.

Miss you guys.

Peace all.

-Trident

Hi there!!! I am so sorry you are having trouble. But I am so glad you are back.

Keep in touch. Please.

 

[tinamn]

Just an update:

I took the kids to my parents. They’ve been great about all of this. My husband woke up and realized no one was home, and called the police. Told them we’d had an argument and he was worried I might have done something to the kids (mind you, this was before he’d even attempted to call me and find out where I was… he was just mad that there wasn’t any beer waiting for him when he woke up).

The sheriff called me; I explained a bit about the past few days and that I felt it was safer for my children to not be in the home with my husband. He said they would back me on my decision and as long as my husband wasn’t sober they would help me keep him away, but once he is sober there isn’t much they can do. Sheriff went out to the house and he blew a .20. Mind you, this is 6 hours after his last drink. That blows my mind… I don’t even know how that is possible.

My husband called everyone he could think to call. He spoke with my dad the most. Never once expressed any remorse for what he did, just kept insisting that I talk to him and that they let him see the kids, and that he was sober for 5 weeks so they have to trust that when he’s ready he will stop, etc etc etc.

We decided that he could come have supper with us since he was reasonably sober - under certain conditions - that he wouldn’t discuss any of the situation around the kids, if I felt uncomfortable my dad would bring him home, and he would for sure return home after the kids went to bed.

Well, he wasn’t in the house 5 minutes before he HAD to discuss the situation. Couldn’t wait 30 min for the kids to go to bed or for me to eat my first meal of the day. Insisted that I must have another man in waiting, and that was the only reason I was doing this because “clearly” he isn’t an alcoholic if he went 5 weeks without a drink. That I must not have faith in him, and if I don’t have faith in him or trust him he has no reason to not continue to drink, and that if I didn’t come home with the kids he has no choice but to contact a lawyer to get his 50/50 on custody. No one had brought up separation or divorce at this point.

I insisted my parents be present when we discussed things so they could see how he bullies/badgers me to get his way. My dad lost it on him. They could see how he refuses to let me finish what I’m saying and immediately drives to his 5 weeks sober, and that I must not love him, and if I loved him I’d trust him, etc etc etc.

In the end, I pushed him to an agreement that I’m comfortable with: He swears he will no longer drink and if he does, the kids and I will leave and will not return until he has done (name removed by moderator)atient rehab. If he brings the guns out around the kids (even sober), we have a signed agreement that the guns will be removed from the house. We will start counseling as soon as we can get in.

I imagine most of you will say I am giving in too easily; there is a part of me that feels the same, but I feel safe enough with him when he is sober and even one sign of drinking and I will be out of there. I will be leaving some essentials at my parents’ so there will be no worry of not having what we need, and I am completely resolute in upholding this and not making excuses for him. I’ve had enough.

If by some miracle this is what it takes for him to change, then I am glad. If he doesn’t change his ways, I have a firm plan in place and I also have the backing of my family and HIS as well (amazingly).

 

[Viki63]

I’m praying for you.
I’m glad you’ve taken a stand and have your parents’ backing.
I’m posting because my husband is an alcoholic also, though I have no small children to worry about.
He has cost me a lot of money in medical bills, because he’s gotten injured so many times. Right now he’s on bedrest for the next three or four months because of his latest injury.

I told him several years ago that it was a choice between guns and me. He got rid of his gun. I meant it, I’ve been threatened with a pistol and it’s terrifying. I never allowed them around my kids. Rational fathers who can teach gun safety and practice it have my respect, but in my family were too many depressed teenagers and alcoholics.

I practice detachment, which means caring about the person but not letting their drinking affect your life. In the case of small children, that may mean you have to leave. I learned it in Al-Anon, which you might find helpful.

It sounds like you are prepared to take serious steps, but you say IF he drinks again.
I hope you will remain ready when the time comes, as it’s likely to, especially since he tried to put the blame on you.
Please continue to put your children’s safety first. You are the only responsible parent they have.

.