Alcoholic Husband

[Xantippe]

I’m praying for you.
I’m glad you’ve taken a stand and have your parents’ backing.
I’m posting because my husband is an alcoholic also, though I have no small children to worry about.
He has cost me a lot of money in medical bills, because he’s gotten injured so many times. Right now he’s on bedrest for the next three or four months because of his latest injury.

I told him several years ago that it was a choice between guns and me. He got rid of his gun. I meant it, I’ve been threatened with a pistol and it’s terrifying. I never allowed them around my kids. Rational fathers who can teach gun safety and practice it have my respect, but in my family were too many depressed teenagers and alcoholics.

I practice detachment, which means caring about the person but not letting their drinking affect your life. In the case of small children, that may mean you have to leave. I learned it in Al-Anon, which you might find helpful.

It sounds like you are prepared to take serious steps, but you say IF he drinks again.
I hope you will remain ready when the time comes, as it’s likely to, especially since he tried to put the blame on you.
Please continue to put your children’s safety first. You are the only responsible parent they have.

.

Yes.

Also, I think the guns need to go NOW.

 

[tinamn]

He’s already been badgering me for 2 hours to come home, or let him come her, or let him take the kids. He says he doesn’t understand why I would need time, as “clearly” he has stopped drinking and 24 more hours isn’t going to change anything. He thinks I just want the time to plan how to get away from him.

The plan was for us to go to a park with the kids this afternoon and for he and I to get dinner this evening while my parents watch the kids so we could talk more. But he can’t even respect that or my need for time and space.

I don’t foresee any of this going well.

 

[Trident_H]

Hi Trident,

I just came by to say “Hi” to you.

I’m so sorry for your struggles. Alcoholism is in my family, all over. So I do understand the addiction part of it.

I will pray for you. :console:

May God bless you during this stressful time for you.

Thanks AGM. Thanks for the prayers. Sorry for the rant yesterday. Sorry I did it here. In this thread. Where someone else is hurting.

Hi there!!! I am so sorry you are having trouble. But I am so glad you are back.

Keep in touch. Please.

Thanks lax. Sorry I haven’t said much lately. I’m sort of embarrassed about where I’m at. Really. I didn’t mean to hijack this thread. I was actually just going to post some kind of update and then this one caught my eye. For obvious reasons. I shouldn’t have done that though. So I came today to apologize for that. Sorry.

 

[Trident_H]

He’s already been badgering me for 2 hours to come home, or let him come her, or let him take the kids. He says he doesn’t understand why I would need time, as “clearly” he has stopped drinking and 24 more hours isn’t going to change anything. He thinks I just want the time to plan how to get away from him.

The plan was for us to go to a park with the kids this afternoon and for he and I to get dinner this evening while my parents watch the kids so we could talk more. But he can’t even respect that or my need for time and space.

I don’t foresee any of this going well.

I’m sorry you’re suffering through this. I’m sorry alcoholics can be so selfish when they’re caught up in their drink. I’m sorry they’re willing to make it their most prized goal. When their family should really come first. I’m so very sorry.

I want you to know one thing more though. I want you to know that I didn’t have a drink yesterday night. For the first time in about a month. I didn’t drink because each time I saw the bottle it reminded me of you. And what you’re dealing with. And what I made my family deal with. And even tho I wanted to forget about all that I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it to you when you’re hurting like this. I couldn’t turn my back like that.

I can’t turn off the pain. But I can’t turn from it either. I guess.

I’m so sorry. I hope your guy sticks to his word. But I’m worried. I don’t think he’s thinking straight right now. I don’t think he’s in a fair way with his head. I want you to be really careful.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[Lou2U]

He’s already been badgering me for 2 hours to come home, or let him come her, or let him take the kids. He says he doesn’t understand why I would need time, as “clearly” he has stopped drinking and 24 more hours isn’t going to change anything. He thinks I just want the time to plan how to get away from him.

The plan was for us to go to a park with the kids this afternoon and for he and I to get dinner this evening while my parents watch the kids so we could talk more. But he can’t even respect that or my need for time and space.

I don’t foresee any of this going well.

You’re doing really well. If he keeps asking, remind him about the agreement. That needs to be your mantra to him until he understands he needs to get sober. And I agree with Xantippe - get rid of the guns.

I’m sorry you’re suffering through this. I’m sorry alcoholics can be so selfish when they’re caught up in their drink. I’m sorry they’re willing to make it their most prized goal. When their family should really come first. I’m so very sorry.

I want you to know one thing more though. I want you to know that I didn’t have a drink yesterday night. For the first time in about a month. I didn’t drink because each time I saw the bottle it reminded me of you. And what you’re dealing with. And what I made my family deal with. And even tho I wanted to forget about all that I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it to you when you’re hurting like this. I couldn’t turn my back like that.

I can’t turn off the pain. But I can’t turn from it either. I guess.

I’m so sorry. I hope your guy sticks to his word. But I’m worried. I don’t think he’s thinking straight right now. I don’t think he’s in a fair way with his head. I want you to be really careful.

Peace.

-Trident

:hug1: I think you’re incredibly brave to share your story with us Trident. Thank you.

Lou

 

[lax16]

Thanks lax. Sorry I haven’t said much lately. I’m sort of embarrassed about where I’m at. Really. I didn’t mean to hijack this thread. I was actually just going to post some kind of update and then this one caught my eye. For obvious reasons. I shouldn’t have done that though. So I came today to apologize for that. Sorry.

Please don’t be embarrassed. Keep in touch with me.

Okay?

 

[Tablefor9]

He’s already been badgering me for 2 hours to come home, or let him come her, or let him take the kids. He says he doesn’t understand why I would need time, as “clearly” he has stopped drinking and 24 more hours isn’t going to change anything. He thinks I just want the time to plan how to get away from him.

The plan was for us to go to a park with the kids this afternoon and for he and I to get dinner this evening while my parents watch the kids so we could talk more. But he can’t even respect that or my need for time and space.

I don’t foresee any of this going well.

I am so sorry for your pain. You so do not deserve what is happening to you; your children do not deserve this. The drink is a terrible symptom of the much larger problem; you and your children do not matter to your husband nearly as much as his own selfish will. He comes first, every time, when he should be putting your needs and the children’s far ahead of his own.

Praying for you–and all wives not treasured today.

 

[Viki63]

In the end, I pushed him to an agreement that I’m comfortable with: He swears he will no longer drink and if he does, the kids and I will leave and will not return until he has done (name removed by moderator)atient rehab. If he brings the guns out around the kids (even sober), we have a signed agreement that the guns will be removed from the house. We will start counseling as soon as we can get in.

This is your plan. It’s a good one. Just stick to your plan and all will be well.
If it were me, as Xantippe says, I would say that I’ve changed my mind and I want the guns out of the house before I set foot in it.
He left them out where the kids could get them once, and he was showing them to the kids while drinking. That should be enough warning.

.

 

[StudentMI]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think what you’re doing to solve the situation is great. I just wanted to share a few things to help you.

I am an alcoholic. I echo a lot of Trident’s thoughts on this. The thing about the guns disturbed me to no end, but it pains me to say I understand his thinking. I’ve done incredibly stupid things while drunk, and that’s the real danger. Also, from what you’ve written he doesn’t seem like an angry drunk, at least not to a great extent. Yet. That’s the key word here, though it’s only a possibility. When I started drinking I was a silly drunk, just saying stupid stuff that made people laugh. Then I become an emotional drunk, texting friends how I was sorry for this or that, calling people and crying. Then, I became an angry drunk. I began arguing with whoever was around, calling and texting people about some news story and how the world was an evil place and people were evil.

I can’t speak for all alcoholics, but I wanted you to know that it happened with me. I’ve been to an outpatient program, and learned some things about the brain and how alcohol affects it. They said that prolonged alcohol abuse anesthetizes an area of the brain, and that it can take 6 months or longer after you’ve stopped drinking for that area to completely heal and function properly. So five weeks isn’t going to really heal him. He’ll still have a ‘drunk’ mind, so to speak. It’s only with prolonged abstinence that he’ll really begin to heal.

Finally, and this is a really big step that you might not be willing to take, but since he has handled guns incorrectly, and since he is under stress emotional about all this, there is a federal database that prevents people from owning or buying firearms. Has he ever talked about hurting himself, or saying he wants the pain to stop? That’s one qualification, among several I believe, for the database. I’m really embarrassed to say this but I think it might help you: I’m on that database. I have never owned a firearm, but while drunk I called my doctor and began telling him violent and suicidal thoughts I had been having. Two days later he had me hospitalized, and just before going he had me sign a form authorizing me to be put into that database. It’s a really big step, and I understand if that’s not an option for you. I have no qualms with people owning firearms or being into them. I’m just not one of them, and I never will be. And to be honest, I’m thankful for that because of what I shared.

Anyway, long post, but I’m praying for you. God bless.

 

[estesbob]

My husband of 9.5 years is an alcoholic. He has had problems since before we were married, but he was in a long period of doing well when I met him until shortly after we married. He goes through periods where he will admit it (usually when he is drunk and at the “emotional” point of his high), say he’s sorry, and talk about how he is going to change. But when he is sober or really any other time of being drunk besides that emotional stage, he says he doesn’t have a problem, he can quit when he wants, and keeps bringing up that he went 5 weeks with not a drop at the beginning of the year (which started only because I had driven him to a treatment center, but when they asked him to turn in his phone and computer he lost it and refused. The threat of losing his electronics was enough to get him to stop for 5 weeks).

I know I do not have a healthy response to his alcoholism. It makes me angry… the smell of alcohol alone (not even just from him… anywhere) makes my stomach twist into knots, I get nauseous and shaky. I fear for our 4 young children (6 and under) - not only for what they see in my response, but what they see of him passed out on the couch, slurring his words, falling down the stairs, etc. Also, he is super “into” guns in the last few years, and just yesterday I found him drunk and teaching my 4 and 6 year old daughters how to shoot a rifle. 30 min after I found him doing this, he passed out on the couch in the middle of the chaos of 4 young kids… for FOUR hours. I could go on for pages of the things that concern me.

I don’t know how to handle this. My anger isn’t good, the situation in general is not good for the kids, but… he isn’t violent, to this point he has held down his job, and when he is sober he is a great dad and I enjoy spending time with him very much. Not to mention, of course, that I took a vow 9.5 years ago. What, if anything, can I do about this?? He refuses marriage counseling, refuses treatment, and threatens to share with the world about a past indiscretion on my part (that I have confessed and accepted full responsibility for) during one of our roughest patches if I take the kids to my parents (in the same town) to get away from the situation. I feel that I am enabling him just by being around - I take care of the kids, house, yard, finances… everything.

Prayers appreciated, as would be any advice. And please, hopefully no judging about my own past. We all make mistakes, mine was a big one and I regret it every day but I believe Jesus’ death has covered my sin as it has others’.

I am a recovering Alcoholic with thirty years of sobriety. You very much need to attend an al-anon meeting. One of the first thing they will teach you is the Three "C"s

You Didn’t Cause It.
You Can’t Control It.
You Can’t Cure It.

 

[tinamn]

Just wanted to post an update, as it has been an eventful several weeks since I last posted.

My husband held true to no drinking around the family. He made it pretty clear, however, that he was only doing it because he felt threatened that he’d lose his family - not because he recognized he had a problem. He felt he was being blackmailed, essentially.

Well, we had been planning a family trip (my parents included) to visit my grandmother several hours away over Easter break. Talked about it weekly, etc. The a week before Good Friday, he acted all shocked about the trip, and said he hadn’t taken time off work for it, so he wasn’t sure he’d be able to go. I reminded him he could work from the car, as I do all the driving, and that he could work from a coffee shop while we were there, if he wasn’t able to get the time off. He wasn’t having any of it, so I started to get a bit suspicious.

He ended up not going - it made financial sense in a way, because we would have had to take two cars, get a hotel for 5 nights, board the pets, etc - we saved close to $1000 by him not going. I’m still suspicious at the point of leaving, and asked him point blank it he was planning to drink and had already bought alcohol. He said he might “have a little - since the family won’t be around” and that he didn’t currently have anything. That was a complete lie.

We left the Weds before Easter. He was pretty drunk when we did Facetime that evening with the kids, but of course he denied it. It was pretty obvious though. Thursday, he invited my sister and her kids out for pizza for dinner (he told me she suggested it). Then everything went to pieces - my sister’s boyfriend texted him asking if he though maybe my sister was on illegal drugs, as she always seemed so out of it. Because my husband was drunk, he was unable to see that he shouldn’t engage in that line of conversation with my sister’s boyfriend… and he told him that yes, he thought she was, and that her previous boyfriend was a meth user.

Of course… my sister reads all of her boyfriends texts. She showed up at our house, let herself in, and proceeded to video my drunk husband passed out on the couch in the middle of his work day (mind you, he couldn’t take off work to go with us because he had too much work to do). She then woke him up to confront him about the texts and being drunk, and he then threatened her, saying he had a loaded gun and she was trespassing. She claims she wasn’t, because she was invited out later in the day, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, she left and called the police on him. He called the police on her. So the police have now been to our quiet country neighborhood twice in 3 weeks.

But wait! It gets better! She went on his work’s website and submitted the contact form with the video she took of him and a litany of how he is a drunk and doesn’t work when they think he is etc. He managed to convince his work she is crazy, so they disregarded the email. However, he’s “too distressed” by all of this to work on Friday. He invites a friend over at 10am to watch movies instead… and the friend leaves at 2pm because my husband is passed out on the couch.

He acts all sorry and promises he won’t drink again, starting that evening. I told him on the phone that he better be out of withdrawal by the time we got home on Easter Sunday, or we wouldn’t be coming home, and he agreed. Well… His friend came on Saturday to take him out for dinner to get him out of the house. Before the friend got there, he apparently just couldn’t take it and downed a TON of vodka. They were eating at a restaurant and his friend couldn’t figure out why he was getting drunker and drunker even though he’d not had anything to drink at the restaurant, so he brought him home and told him to figure out his life.

Well, he proceeded to drink all night, and in the early morning (Easter Sunday) was apparently drunk enough that he was worried, so he called the police. 3rd time now that they’re at our house. He goes down the stairs to let them in and falls and breaks his foot. The police bring him to the hospital where his BAC is over .35.

We ended up having engine trouble and couldn’t go back that day anyway, but by the time we got back he had apparently come to the conclusion himself that he couldn’t drink anything at all anymore, not just because he might lose his family, but now also his job and also he seems to realize he just can’t control it. His attitude is not “I’m doing this because you’re threatening me” but now “I’m doing this because I NEED to” - which is refreshing to say the least.

Granted, we’re only a week and a half out from this, but I am feeling more hopeful than I have about the situation for quite awhile. He also seems to have recognized that I’ve been pulling the weight on everything for the last several years, and has been helping out more, asking about my day, etc. I am not thinking that will last, because he definitely hates helping out, but it’s nice that he’s making an effort, even if it’s just because he feels bad.

So… that’s basically my update. You may have gathered from the above that there are some issues with my sister as well, but that could be a book in itself. Family is so messy sometimes!!

Oh and Trident - I am sorry for not responding previously, as I just wasn’t sure what to say being in the middle of that situation at the time - but I just wanted to say to you, thank you for sharing your story, and know that I have thought about you many times as I’ve contemplated my own situation, and have been praying for you.

 

[Trident_H]

Oh and Trident - I am sorry for not responding previously, as I just wasn’t sure what to say being in the middle of that situation at the time - but I just wanted to say to you, thank you for sharing your story, and know that I have thought about you many times as I’ve contemplated my own situation, and have been praying for you.

I’m so hopeful this is the beginning of something better for you. I really am hopeful. I’ve thought of what you were dealing with a lot. A lot.

I’ve thought about it enough that I haven’t really had a drink since. I don’t know if that’s your prayers working. Or if it’s one pain too many. Or if I just keep seeing things through your eyes. Or if I’ve really had enough. I don’t know.

But I wanted you to know that some of your suffering’s had an effect. That it’s real enough to have had that kind of effect.

Peace Tinamn. And thanks for staying strong in this. And for the prayers. We’re passing those back and forth I guess.

-Trident

 

[Inisfallen]

just yesterday I found him drunk and teaching my 4 and 6 year old daughters how to shoot a rifle.

Then he’d pop open a beer and drink 2 liters of vodka. All through the 9 weeks of treatment…

I hate to be an alarmist. I really do. And it does sound, from your last post, that there is some hope.

But. But. If things don’t change, fast, someone is going to die in this situation. Anyone who drinks two liters of liquor in one day, on a regular or even semi-regular basis, is going to die soon.

And the guns around your children? That is the most certain recipe for disaster I’ve ever heard.

I don’t know where you’re at now, but you and your children cannot be around this man until he’s dealt with his problem. And even then, you cannot have guns in the house, because relapses happen with alcoholics.

Please. Please. Get out. Stay out. Go where he cannot find you. Anywhere.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I’m sorry that you and your kids are going through this. Can you get him to go to AA? Has he been to AA? I have heard of people going to AA seven days a week. Most churches have an AA meeting on their premises at some point during the week or month.

I agree with the others who have said that it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I agree with those who said to have the parents take the kids for at least the weekend. Not matter what, though, they (the kids) are going to feel the effects of his alcoholism.

Maybe a book like this would help the kids a little bit (at least the six year old)?
amazon.com/Dad-Loves-Disease-Childs-View/dp/0910223238/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1460143796&sr=8-1-fkmr1&keywords=my+dad+loves+e+he+has+a+disease

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I also wanted to add that you should probably look into Al-Anon, as others have said. I also agree with the others who said that the guns need to go. Guns and drinking are a very bad combination.

 

[tinamn]

He is 2 weeks sober as of today.

If he drinks again to where I see the effects of it, he knows I will take the kids and leave.

Also, he seems to have hit some kind of revelation. I think it had to do with his work being contacted. I’m angry my sister did that, but part of me thinks I should have done it sooner

The guns are locked in a safe, that is in a locked utility room (solid wood door with a deadbolt. That was the first thing that had to change for me to go back.

 

[Lou2U]

He is 2 weeks sober as of today.

If he drinks again to where I see the effects of it, he knows I will take the kids and leave.

Also, he seems to have hit some kind of revelation. I think it had to do with his work being contacted. I’m angry my sister did that, but part of me thinks I should have done it sooner

The guns are locked in a safe, that is in a locked utility room (solid wood door with a deadbolt. That was the first thing that had to change for me to go back.

If your sister’s actions made him wake up to what he’s doing, it can only be a good thing. Make sure the guns stay locked away, and don’t leave the children alone with him until you feel it is safe for them.

I’m glad to hear it’s got better for you.

Lou