Alienated from my mother

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mitzi1155

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To make a long story short…my mother causes me great emotional discomfort and to be around her depresses and upsets me - it’s awful - but I cannot stand being around her. She is 79, I am 49. I grew up in a very “sick” household. I’ve prayed to God and the Blessed Mother to guide me. But I cannot be around her. I suffer depression and have since I was a child. I am taking medication for it. Not that it’s an excuse but I need to know that God will let me come home to heaven. I feel if I don’t force myself to be around her God will reject me.

Someone please help me. I need wisdom so badly.

Thank you.
 
I think God will undestand your dilema. It sounds as though you live with your mother. Have you tried to talk about your depression with her? I find it difficult to talk to my mother, but I think that is more my being rebelious and wanting to make my life my own now that I have moved out to a dorm and attend college. The only advice I can give is to try to talk things through with your mother. And Remeber the God knows everthing you have done to make the best of your situation. He will understand the burden you bear. Have Faith Always.
~K~
 
Do not disclose more details than you intend, but maybe I can help better if you give me a hint. If you’d rather not, that’s OK:

Do you feel emotional discomfort as in:
Wish you could some privacy
Resent doing certain things her way
Have conflict over beliefs
Have conflict over your friends or where you go
Makes you feel guilty for stuff
Makes you feel superior and it makes you uncomfortable.
Difficult to take care of her amid other responsibilities
Wish she wouldn’t try to “mother” you so much
Anything to do with finances
Anything to do with your siblings or other relatives

Again, if you don’t want to disclose answers at this time, maybe just asking these questions of yourself might help, I’m hoping. Sometimes it helps to try to define for yourself exactly what the nature of the problem is.

For example, does it:
  1. cause you a direct problem, like she does something to hurt you or your situation,
  2. cause a needs conflict, where you cannot for example be in two places at once, or
  3. involve a values collision, mostly involving conflict of what is OK and what is not.
I ask those three questions because once in an assertiveness training private class those three classes of problems have certain certain groups of characteristics that can help with a strategy.

Alan
 
Alan, I’m in a similar situation to the original poster. If you have advice, please do share it! Thanks.

Chris
 
You say you are 49, she is 79.
You say she causes you discomfort.

I’m thinking, she’s 79…you’re asking about how to endure another 20 years of her company, I suppose (God willing)…

I’m thinking, I was quite a brat when I was preteen and teen, I caused my Mom quite a bit of discomfort…she couldn’t just walk away from her obligations to me just because I made her miserable…

So I’m thinking, it’s not about you. What does she get from time with you? If she is just as uncomfortable as you are when you’re together, then perhaps you shouldn’t spend so much time together. But if she finds comfort and peace in visits from you, then you are obliged to make yourself available to her. It is your gift to her, and gifts don’t come with strings attached. So you can’t say I’ll only visit if it’s good for me too.

Granted, your suffering from depression makes the situation overwhelming…but you said you are on medication for the depression, therefore you must be seeing a psychiatrist. Have you spoken to him/her about how you feel when you’re with your mother and why it’s such a bad experience? Ask your doctor to help you view your visits from your mother’s perspective so that you can be better able to handle the visits. He/she should be able to help you with this problem.

Of course, you’re doing the right thing by praying to Our Mother for help, and it’s good that you posted your concern here. I pray you will find the guidance you need to get through whatever time you and your mother have left together peacefully.
 
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silverwings:
I think God will undestand your dilema. It sounds as though you live with your mother. Have you tried to talk about your depression with her? I find it difficult to talk to my mother, but I think that is more my being rebelious and wanting to make my life my own now that I have moved out to a dorm and attend college. The only advice I can give is to try to talk things through with your mother. And Remeber the God knows everthing you have done to make the best of your situation. He will understand the burden you bear. Have Faith Always.
~K~
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Thank you for helping. To talk things through with her is useless for she will never admit she’s wrong. She’s a very odd person - even my daughter has said, "Well you know Grandma is a little “queer”). Noone knows the depth of suffering she caused me as I was growing up. When I am with her it all hovers just below the surface. I’ve managed to control the pain but recently she attacked my poor dead father’s memory and tried to turn me against him. He was a good man who put up with her - oh the hate in that house…growing up…and after. I begged her to stop defaming him but she wouldn’t and I lost it and said I would not see her again unless she apologized for talking about him so badly when he was dead and in the grave. It’s been three months and she has not called me. I don’t even care! I feel such relief not having to be around her…but terrible guilt. My brother does not see her - he has emotional problems and once said we grew up in a non-love house and it just floored me because it was so true and I never thought of it. My father was a good man and she hates him…even after his grueling death of cancer she has hate still - he’s dead. Sorry to make this so long. God Bless you for caring to respond to me. Thank you!
 
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AlanFromWichita:
Do not disclose more details than you intend, but maybe I can help better if you give me a hint. If you’d rather not, that’s OK:

Do you feel emotional discomfort as in:
Wish you could some privacy
Resent doing certain things her way
Have conflict over beliefs
Have conflict over your friends or where you go
Makes you feel guilty for stuff
Makes you feel superior and it makes you uncomfortable.
Difficult to take care of her amid other responsibilities
Wish she wouldn’t try to “mother” you so much
Anything to do with finances
Anything to do with your siblings or other relatives

Again, if you don’t want to disclose answers at this time, maybe just asking these questions of yourself might help, I’m hoping. Sometimes it helps to try to define for yourself exactly what the nature of the problem is.

For example, does it:
  1. cause you a direct problem, like she does something to hurt you or your situation,
  2. cause a needs conflict, where you cannot for example be in two places at once, or
  3. involve a values collision, mostly involving conflict of what is OK and what is not.
I ask those three questions because once in an assertiveness training private class those three classes of problems have certain certain groups of characteristics that can help with a strategy.

Alan
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The direct problem is dreading the next time I see or talk with her - she’s a person who is painful to be around because of the emotional scars and just talking to her on the phone is like nails on a chalkboard to me. So every day I would think of her and dread the next time I’d have to see her.

No needs of conflict - I can handle having to take care of her - but to be in her presence is very painful.

Values collision? She speaks of things that make my stomach go in knots but her values can be eccentric as she is.

You can read my other responses to understand more…

I pray God will make it clear to me if I should not wash my hands of her…even tho she can make my skin crawl…how awful to have to write that…how horrible. Thank you for your time and care!
 
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antiaphrodite:
we’re praying for you both, mitzi1155. hang in there.
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Thank you so much. Prayers are invalueable to me and God Bless you!
 
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YinYangMom:
You say you are 49, she is 79.
You say she causes you discomfort.

I’m thinking, she’s 79…you’re asking about how to endure another 20 years of her company, I suppose (God willing)…

I’m thinking, I was quite a brat when I was preteen and teen, I caused my Mom quite a bit of discomfort…she couldn’t just walk away from her obligations to me just because I made her miserable…

So I’m thinking, it’s not about you. What does she get from time with you? If she is just as uncomfortable as you are when you’re together, then perhaps you shouldn’t spend so much time together. But if she finds comfort and peace in visits from you, then you are obliged to make yourself available to her. It is your gift to her, and gifts don’t come with strings attached. So you can’t say I’ll only visit if it’s good for me too.

Granted, your suffering from depression makes the situation overwhelming…but you said you are on medication for the depression, therefore you must be seeing a psychiatrist. Have you spoken to him/her about how you feel when you’re with your mother and why it’s such a bad experience? Ask your doctor to help you view your visits from your mother’s perspective so that you can be better able to handle the visits. He/she should be able to help you with this problem.

Of course, you’re doing the right thing by praying to Our Mother for help, and it’s good that you posted your concern here. I pray you will find the guidance you need to get through whatever time you and your mother have left together peacefully.
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When I was a child she created a house of arguments that lasted days and there were long desolate weekends. When I was a preteen my mother oppressed me - as a teenager she oppressed me more - alienated my friends - searched my drawers and purse religiously - listened in on my phone conversations religiously - she once ripped a dress off me that a friend gave me because she didn’t like it. She once ripped curlers out of my head because she didn’t like the way it was set. She once exposed herself to my father, brother and I and screamed to my father “You make me bleed!” - she was naked under her housedress and lifted it as she did this. I was around eight - my brother not much older. When I would go out dancing with friends when I was 18 she would follow me and wait for me to come out to make sure I wouldn’t leave with a boy. Once she even came in the bar and got a beer and sat at the table with me and my friends. I never did anything to arouse her suspicions - I was not a problem where you would be suspicious. I was a good girl. I don’t know. I could write a book but you see the pain doesn’t go away - she’s still weird.

She loves seeing me - I am the only person in her life. But this woman represents all that has caused me pain. For the life of me and I mean FOR THE LIFE OF ME…I cannot shake the pall of gloom she has over me.

My psychiatrist only see’s me for “medicinal visits”.

Thank you and God Bless you for caring.
 
a suggestion. i had/have similar problems. almost gone.

i listened to s series of tapes called “healing of memories”. i think the speaker was (if my memory is still intact, it’s been almost 30 years) father john hampsch. it helps
 
I have similar feelings of dread in seeing my mother. I am also in my 40’s and my mother is in her 60’s. She has relationship problems with all of her children and in-laws due to her “personality disorder”. I try to visit with her 1 time per month and give a call every week or so. That way, I am not abandoning her, but I have control over when I see her. I invite her to occasional school/sporting events for my children—in that way, there are always other people around, so I limit one on one time with her. That’s really the key, limit the one on one time. Try to see her in the context of a social event or church or out to eat—not in her home when it’s just the two of you. My brother also is estranged from my mother at this time, but my other 2 sibs also visit with her, so that takes a little pressure off. I would talk to your brother and see if he would be willing to visit her WITH you, that way you are together in dealing with her.

I would also recommend the book “Children of the Self Absorbed” by Nina Brown, PhD. It helped me immensely in realizing that I can’t change my mother, but I can change the way I interact with her, so that it’s less painful. I truly understand your pain. I will pray for you.
 
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Giannawannabe:
I have similar feelings of dread in seeing my mother. I am also in my 40’s and my mother is in her 60’s. She has relationship problems with all of her children and in-laws due to her “personality disorder”. I try to visit with her 1 time per month and give a call every week or so. That way, I am not abandoning her, but I have control over when I see her. I invite her to occasional school/sporting events for my children—in that way, there are always other people around, so I limit one on one time with her. That’s really the key, limit the one on one time. Try to see her in the context of a social event or church or out to eat—not in her home when it’s just the two of you. My brother also is estranged from my mother at this time, but my other 2 sibs also visit with her, so that takes a little pressure off. I would talk to your brother and see if he would be willing to visit her WITH you, that way you are together in dealing with her.

I would also recommend the book “Children of the Self Absorbed” by Nina Brown, PhD. It helped me immensely in realizing that I can’t change my mother, but I can change the way I interact with her, so that it’s less painful. I truly understand your pain. I will pray for you.
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Thank you for your advice - it is very helpful and wise but I still am in a state of complete turn-off with her. How can one feel that way about one’s own mother? It crushes me. Again, thank you and God Bless.
 
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mitzi1155:
Thank you for your advice - it is very helpful and wise but I still am in a state of complete turn-off with her. How can one feel that way about one’s own mother? It crushes me. Again, thank you and God Bless.
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Mitzi,

You can NOT help your feelings. However, you can control your interaction and outward responses. That is what I was trying to say above. If you slowly, but surely, make sure that YOU are in control of all interaction—and make that a limited one with others around, then you will be doing your duty towards your mother, yet protecting yourself.

I’ve been trying lately to offer up my dread, discomfort, and really utter disgust at some of my mother’s actions/behaviors, for her intentions. It is very difficult, but will give you peace. That is what I think you’re looking for.
Remember, this may be your cross in this life. The one that God has given you, with the hope that it will bring you closer to Him. You don’t have to have warm, fuzzy feelings towards your mother. Many don’t. She is human, and just because she is your mother, does not mean that she’s perfect and probably is the way she is due to her own homelife situation. Again, that doesn’t mean that you have to force yourself to see her every day. Be respectful in your interactions, and try not to say things that will make you feel regretful later. Read that book I recommended. Good luck.
 
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mitzi1155:
Thank you for your advice - it is very helpful and wise but I still am in a state of complete turn-off with her. How can one feel that way about one’s own mother? It crushes me. Again, thank you and God Bless.
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I’m not sure I’m buying that you are in “complete” turn-off, because you seem to me you’d rather see the problem improved than to get rid of her – even as you ponder whether it is best for both of you to be apart. Maybe it’s in my mind, but I sense a twinge of hope, though maybe faint, coming from your direction.

To both mitzi and Chris, the top set of questions was intended to be mostly to help characterize the issue. The bottom three questions were intended to isolate the nature of the issue so that a “recommended” type of response can be taken.

Maybe before those are of any value, we have to step back a bit. The context where I learned “assertiveness” and where the bottom three questions were valuable, had as a basic assumption “I’m OK, you’re OK.” It sounds like this assumption may be flawed, thus the “standard” remedies for the three types of problems may not apply.

The problem with “I’m OK, you’re not OK” as in aggressive or superior attitude, is it causes resentment from the other to you. The problem with “you’re OK, I’m not OK” as in someone who lets their own opinions always be overridden by anothers, causes resentment from you to the other, even though you may not even notice that resentment. If you see neither of you as OK, I’m not sure because we didn’t cover that.

Once you make the assumption that neither person seems to act “superior” or “more important” or “more OK” than you can go on to the next part. From mitzi’s responses, it might be beyond what my assertiveness class can provide.

Briefly, for those who are interested, the response to “my problem” is something like, “I feel X when Y because Z.” Note that does NOT say that Y caused my feelings, thus blaming the other person for one’s feelings. The “because” can be important too since the other one may totally miss it and presume “why” you feel sad and be wrong enough about it that you can talk past each other and never deal with the issue. Simply draw it to their attention, and since the presupposition to this whole thing is both people care about the other’s happiness and is willing to listen, it starts the conversation without any blaming or whining involved.

The solution to needs conflicts was pretty vague, mostly just problem solving techniques. The key is to notice that it is a needs conflict, rather than dome direct confrontational issue. My kid may think I’m being stubborn if I don’t let him use the car, for example, but maybe he doesn’t need the car; he just needs a ride somewhere and we can work it out.

The third one, values collision, is even more vague. Pretty much you let the person know once that you have some reservations about their behavior, then let it go, and if they don’t change, get over it.

Like I said, I don’t know whether any of this applies because I’m not convinced we’re up to the point of “I’m OK, you’re OK” yet.

Alan
 
Since your psychiatrist only prescribes but doesn’t treat your condition then really, based on what you’ve revealed here, you would benefit greatly from a good Catholic psychologist.

You are operating from your perspective only -your memories, your hurts, your pain, your anguish.

You are not able, on your own, to move beyond that to try to figure out where your mother’s hurt, pain, anguish came from - it is her struggle which has affect you so negatively. She did not seek help and is still suffering emotionally, and yes, she’s still taking her frustration out on you…

But, trust me, once you are able to distinguish her pain from your own, yours subsides, it really does, and then you are abel to be more charitable to your mom.

You’ve harbored these negative emotions way too long, they are bottled up inside you waiting to burst - and they will one day - unless you face them head on.

It won’t take many sessions because it is right below the surface waiting to come out, that’s the good news. Other people take a long time in therapy because they have no clue what the problem is so they have to take time to probe their past. Yours is right there ready to be dealt with. You will find therapy very emotional, yes, but it is also very empowering and liberating.

You can find a therapist from CatholicTherapists.com
 
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Giannawannabe:
Mitzi,

You can NOT help your feelings. However, you can control your interaction and outward responses. That is what I was trying to say above. If you slowly, but surely, make sure that YOU are in control of all interaction—and make that a limited one with others around, then you will be doing your duty towards your mother, yet protecting yourself.

I’ve been trying lately to offer up my dread, discomfort, and really utter disgust at some of my mother’s actions/behaviors, for her intentions. It is very difficult, but will give you peace. That is what I think you’re looking for.
Remember, this may be your cross in this life. The one that God has given you, with the hope that it will bring you closer to Him. You don’t have to have warm, fuzzy feelings towards your mother. Many don’t. She is human, and just because she is your mother, does not mean that she’s perfect and probably is the way she is due to her own homelife situation. Again, that doesn’t mean that you have to force yourself to see her every day. Be respectful in your interactions, and try not to say things that will make you feel regretful later. Read that book I recommended. Good luck.
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You are right. But why is it so hard? Thanks for the wisdom! I have a lot to ponder.
 
When is it justified to not have anything to do with one’s family? Where is that fine line?
 
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