Alienated from my mother

[olegraymere]

I am of a similar age, and I find that mother-daughter relationships are typically quite strained. Pretty much all of my women friends “manage” their relationships with their mothers, who do tend to get overbearing in their older years.
The reality is, you only have so much time left with your mother. You have maintained some kind of relationship with her for this long – do you really want her to die alone? It sounds like she is/was a very troubled person, and no doubt has a lot of pain in her life. Try to empathize with her, to understand where all her pain is coming from. If nothing else, pray for her healing.
We find ourselves quite helpless when we see our loved ones committed to self-destruction. It does exacerbate the depression, that’s for sure. But you can’t fix her. Perhaps you can initiate some contact, but keep better boundaries. Keep conversations away from anything anywhere close to controversial. If she won’t abide, cut the conversation short without “getting into it.” You yourself will feel better.
God bless.

 

[Princess_Abby]

mitzi1155:

When is it justified to not have anything to do with one’s family? Where is that fine line?

It sounds like you need to pursue counseling with a Catholic therapist if you truly want to discern what the best course of action is to cope with your mother’s behavior.

catholictherapists.com

 

[mitzi1155]

olegraymere:

I am of a similar age, and I find that mother-daughter relationships are typically quite strained. Pretty much all of my women friends “manage” their relationships with their mothers, who do tend to get overbearing in their older years.
The reality is, you only have so much time left with your mother. You have maintained some kind of relationship with her for this long – do you really want her to die alone? It sounds like she is/was a very troubled person, and no doubt has a lot of pain in her life. Try to empathize with her, to understand where all her pain is coming from. If nothing else, pray for her healing.
We find ourselves quite helpless when we see our loved ones committed to self-destruction. It does exacerbate the depression, that’s for sure. But you can’t fix her. Perhaps you can initiate some contact, but keep better boundaries. Keep conversations away from anything anywhere close to controversial. If she won’t abide, cut the conversation short without “getting into it.” You yourself will feel better.
God bless.

That is the thing - I don’t want her to die alone. I pray every day that when it is her time she has a peaceful death, that she be sent a companion with no “baggage” that she can somewhat bond with. I have a lot to think about. I guess I will have to see her…the discomfort is so overwhelming. Thank you very much for helping me. I really appreciate it. God Bless you!

 

[mitzi1155]

I want to thank everyone who responded to my dilemma. It means a lot to me to know there are caring people out there. What a help you all have been!

 

[newf]

mitzi1155, I am alienated from my mom, too. I am the same age as you.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that my mom has emotional problems. But that doesn’t make dealing with her any easier.
The things you’ve shared about your mom show me that she is also very unstable. I completely understand why you don’t want to be in contact with her. And I agree with you.

I have cut my parents out of my life because I just don’t have the time to be devestated for 3 days after every contact…whether phone or in person. My brothers and sisters have also cut our parents out of their lives to varying degrees.

Since I am the oldest, I always felt it was my responsibility to try to keep things together. But that has proven to be impossible. And I didn’t want my children to be damaged by my mom the way I was, so I kept them from her. It has been years since we spent a holiday with her. She has never been to my kids’ graduations. And now, we are approaching our first wedding and she will not be invited because she will not ruin the day as she’s done so many times before. All my 5 brothers and sisters are in agreement with this.

Having said all that, please know this is very painful. It is very sad. I wish things could be better. But it is like we have a form of emotional cancer in our family. I consider this a cross that I bear. If I believed that contact with my mom would help make her become a more decent human being, I would suck it up and see her. But, unfortunately, being with her is like being with a drowning person, she grabs hold of me and drags me under, killing me along with herself.

mitzi, your situation isn’t normal and neither is mine. I recommend you talk to a catholic counselor. And also, that you focus on the family you have…you mentioned a daughter…keep that relationship healthy. I wish you well.

 

[mitzi1155]

But, unfortunately, being with her is like being with a drowning person, she grabs hold of me and drags me under, killing me along with herself

That is EXACTLY how I feel. It is consoling to know that I am not the only one. You have helped me tremendously. I cannot thank you enough. It is a tragedy to have to be in this situation, and it does break my heart. I think of her every day. I feel so bad that she is alone. But for the life of me I cannot bring myself to call her. It’s almost like there’s this wall of resistance I cannot surmount, cannot climb over.

So you think God will not be angry with me? But how can anyone know.

Again, thank you and God Bless you always.

 

[Chrystal-J]

mitzi1155,
I have a sister that I haven’t spoken to in 12 years. It was just way too toxic a relationship for me to deal with. The pain and difficulties that my sister inflicted on me were just too much for me to bear–so, I finally told her to leave me alone until she could treat me with respect. That put the ball in her court–if she wanted a relationship with me, she would have to be willing to change and stop being abusive to me. She was almost 7 years older than me and I had been dealing with her abuse all of my life. I realized one day that I just couldn’t live with her cruel ways anymore and that’s when I told her to stop all contact with me until she could respect me. Well, it’s been 12 years–I guess she decided that she would rather live with-out me, than to respect me. It’s sad–but, it was her decision. I laid down some ground-rules–she rejected them, and I guess that was the end of our relationship. When-ever I started to feel sad or guilty for my decision, I would remind myself that it was her decision to end the relationship, not me. That helped with the guilt aspect.
As far as Biblically, here are a few passages that helped me the first year or so of the end of my relationship with her.
Matthew 12:
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”
48 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
Luke 18:
29 “I tell you the truth,” Jesus said to them, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God 30 will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life.”
These 2 passages helped me the best because they showed me that the most important thing is to follow Jesus and His Word. And if someone is stopping you for any reason, then you must leave them behind and follow Jesus instead. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t pray for that person to find Jesus and begin to follow Him. Because I do believe in the power of prayer and it’s ability to make change. But, I just don’t see subjecting yourself to unnecessary abuse over and over again. And sometimes, an abusive person has to see a “zero tolerance” approach to their abuse before they will change. Does your Mother know why people are avoiding her? Is she aware of her abusive ways? I finally had to tell my sister that she was abusive to me and that I wasn’t going to deal with it anymore–I was pretty blunt about it. That was such a sad day! I hope that one day my sister changes–I would love to be a part of her life again. I do hope for that, and I do pray for that–but, in the mean-time…I will not be subject to her abuse.

Take Care & I hope things improve for you!

C J

 

[mitzi1155]

Chrystal-J:

mitzi1155,
I have a sister that I haven’t spoken to in 12 years. It was just way too toxic a relationship for me to deal with. The pain and difficulties that my sister inflicted on me were just too much for me to bear–so, I finally told her to leave me alone until she could treat me with respect. That put the ball in her court–if she wanted a relationship with me, she would have to be willing to change and stop being abusive to me. She was almost 7 years older than me and I had been dealing with her abuse all of my life. I realized one day that I just couldn’t live with her cruel ways anymore and that’s when I told her to stop all contact with me until she could respect me. Well, it’s been 12 years–I guess she decided that she would rather live with-out me, than to respect me. It’s sad–but, it was her decision. I laid down some ground-rules–she rejected them, and I guess that was the end of our relationship. When-ever I started to feel sad or guilty for my decision, I would remind myself that it was her decision to end the relationship, not me. That helped with the guilt aspect.
As far as Biblically, here are a few passages that helped me the first year or so of the end of my relationship with her.
Matthew 12:
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”
48 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
Luke 18:
29 “I tell you the truth,” Jesus said to them, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God 30 will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life.”
These 2 passages helped me the best because they showed me that the most important thing is to follow Jesus and His Word. And if someone is stopping you for any reason, then you must leave them behind and follow Jesus instead. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t pray for that person to find Jesus and begin to follow Him. Because I do believe in the power of prayer and it’s ability to make change. But, I just don’t see subjecting yourself to unnecessary abuse over and over again. And sometimes, an abusive person has to see a “zero tolerance” approach to their abuse before they will change. Does your Mother know why people are avoiding her? Is she aware of her abusive ways? I finally had to tell my sister that she was abusive to me and that I wasn’t going to deal with it anymore–I was pretty blunt about it. That was such a sad day! I hope that one day my sister changes–I would love to be a part of her life again. I do hope for that, and I do pray for that–but, in the mean-time…I will not be subject to her abuse.

Take Care & I hope things improve for you!

C J

CJ,

You have offered me additional wisdom. My mother doesn’t think she does or says anything wrong. I told her I would not see her unless she called and apologized for defaming my dead father. She hasn’t called, but then I wonder if she even remembers I said that being that she’s 79 and a little spacey.

I wish I was more like you and stable as to how you view your situation with your sister. My thing is my mother is old and alone. I feel like she’s my responsibility and I’ve failed God by turning my back on her. But what if I can’t take it anymore? What if her mere presence makes me want to scream?

I have a lot of praying to do. Thank you CJ, it may not sound it but your response was very consoling.

God Bless!

 

[Giannawannabe]

Mitzi,

Are you married? Do you live near your mom? You mentioned a daughter…do you have other children? Is your mom Catholic? I just read through the thread, and was wondering these things. It would help in thinking of your situation. If you feel uncomfortable sharing this info, that’s perfectly fine!!!

 

[La_Chiara]

Mitzi–Chrystal’s advice is very good. Unfortunately, since your mom is 79, you are in somewhat of a dilemma. It sounds like her physical and mental health is making worse the problems you have been having with her all of your life and her behavior has gotten worse with age. But she probably is not going to change. She probably, at her age and in her health, is well past the point where she could change.

While you clearly are very hurt about the things she says and does, you probably would have regrets if you walked away from her and then she died. It seems to me that for your own sanity, you need to put more distance between you and her–enough that you can distance yourself emotionally from her anger and unkindness but not so distant that you are conflicted and regretful when she dies. Only you can find the right balance for you. But you will probably feel better about yourself and about her if you consciously put some boundaries up so that she can’t hurt you as much emotionally. Are there social services or church organizations that can take over some of the tasks that you do for her–taking her shopping, bringing hermeals, taking her to medical appointments?

You might also think of what you can say when she causes you pain. For example, you might say “Oh, I need to go now. I am not feeling well.” Or “I don’t care to talk about that and if you persist then I need to leave” and then leave if she persists. It will make you feel more in control when you set boundaries that honor your feelings and emotions (as did Chrystal with her sister).

Also, pray about forgiving her for how she is and how she has been. It can help you heal to forgive someone who has given you pain. Recognize that her behavior ultimately backfires on her and keeps her from having the most loving and healthy relationship with you–her daughter. How sad that she is incapable of being a better mother and having a better relationship with you. It is her loss too.

You sound like a devoted daughter who has endured a lot with your mother. Pray. God will give you the strength and He knows what you have endured.

 

[mitzi1155]

Giannawannabe:

Mitzi,

Are you married? Do you live near your mom? You mentioned a daughter…do you have other children? Is your mom Catholic? I just read through the thread, and was wondering these things. It would help in thinking of your situation. If you feel uncomfortable sharing this info, that’s perfectly fine!!!

I am married - 23 years now. My mom is only 20 minutes away. I only have one daughter - a gem. Yes my mom is Catholic and prays the rosary and Divine Mercy chaplet daily…

Thanks for the help and bless you.

 

[mitzi1155]

La Chiara:

Mitzi–Chrystal’s advice is very good. Unfortunately, since your mom is 79, you are in somewhat of a dilemma. It sounds like her physical and mental health is making worse the problems you have been having with her all of your life and her behavior has gotten worse with age. But she probably is not going to change. She probably, at her age and in her health, is well past the point where she could change.

While you clearly are very hurt about the things she says and does, you probably would have regrets if you walked away from her and then she died. It seems to me that for your own sanity, you need to put more distance between you and her–enough that you can distance yourself emotionally from her anger and unkindness but not so distant that you are conflicted and regretful when she dies. Only you can find the right balance for you. But you will probably feel better about yourself and about her if you consciously put some boundaries up so that she can’t hurt you as much emotionally. Are there social services or church organizations that can take over some of the tasks that you do for her–taking her shopping, bringing hermeals, taking her to medical appointments?

You might also think of what you can say when she causes you pain. For example, you might say “Oh, I need to go now. I am not feeling well.” Or “I don’t care to talk about that and if you persist then I need to leave” and then leave if she persists. It will make you feel more in control when you set boundaries that honor your feelings and emotions (as did Chrystal with her sister).

Also, pray about forgiving her for how she is and how she has been. It can help you heal to forgive someone who has given you pain. Recognize that her behavior ultimately backfires on her and keeps her from having the most loving and healthy relationship with you–her daughter. How sad that she is incapable of being a better mother and having a better relationship with you. It is her loss too.

You sound like a devoted daughter who has endured a lot with your mother. Pray. God will give you the strength and He knows what you have endured.

Once again I am amazed at yet more wisdom. Everyone is so invaluable in this life.

My mother is very self-sufficient. She drives and shops and does her own errands. Thank God she can live a somewhat active life. What she is missing is companionship other than me. I pray God sends her a companion every day who can give her some company - something to look forward to…

Thank you for helping - I will reread your advice (as well as all the others) from time to time.

God Bless you always!

 

[Giannawannabe]

mitzi1155:

I am married - 23 years now. My mom is only 20 minutes away. I only have one daughter - a gem. Yes my mom is Catholic and prays the rosary and Divine Mercy chaplet daily…

Thanks for the help and bless you.

Mitzi,
This is the case with my mother as well-----she appears to be so holy, such a good Catholic woman. I took my 3 children to Mass on The Assumption—my mother was there. She performed a severe act of cruelty towards me and my children–RIGHT AFTER MASS!!! One can “follow all of the rules” and still not get it, I think.

I agree with La Chiara above. I think if you completely cut Mom out of your life at this point, you will regret it. I know that, at times, you feel it would be so much easier just to throw in the towel. Setting boundaries that you can live with, that don’t disrespect your mother, yet allow you space and time for your own life might just be the way for you to go. Please seek some Catholic counseling as others have suggested and spend time in front of The Blessed Sacrament. Since you seem so conflicted, it does not appear that you are at peace being estranged completely from Mom.

 

[mitzi1155]

Yes, you are right. I may just regret it and it could really do a number on me if she dies without me having been in her life at the end. I’m pondering giving it a go…and I will go before the Blessed Sacrement - there is a basilica close to me which is an awsome place.

It is so consoling to talk to people as you who are close to God. It’s AWSOME!

Thank you!